Lament for God

Sometimes I say A Course in Miracles text is full of candy and treasure. It fills me with hope and joy and helps me cast out my ego’s negative thoughts. Sometimes, I have to ponder for several days, waiting for God’s Voice to filter through my defensive fog. Sometimes, I feel The Voice’s words bouncing off my closed mind and I wonder what I have to do to let Meaning in?

I cry out to God as I did last night in this letter to Jesus:

“Jesus, if I could sit and talk openly to you, I might express pain and sorrow: how little I know and how futile things seem. I don’t have brilliance or originality; though even as I write that, I know my truth is that I am brilliance and originality. These ideas are woven by God into my very being, inescapable. I know my truth is that I was created by God; but I don’t feel deeply appreciative of that. I wanted a thought of the deep connection with God. I wanted to feel the punch, the pull, the irrepressible Thou. I have nothing I can feel; but I want Something More.
I want to complain: all this study and I still don’t know anything. How do I use my God Mind to think something higher?"

And so I retreat into silence. I sit and contemplate the light. I look inside at Brilliance Itself. I am ignorant and do not understand what I see. Someday, someday, someday.

This is what the Course says: don’t try to reason it out, just let go and experience God. And so I sit before the Light and listen to the gentle whisper of The Voice. The Light is penetrating me.