I was reminded in my reflection this morning that my goal was to "just be."
The rest of this blog is me musing through my various conflicts related to career vs just being.
I had forgotten the goal "to be" and become stressed over the pressure at work to move ahead. It is very difficult for me to stop trying to push myself up the organization (even with corporate sanction); instead being content with a great salary and lots of time for running and contemplation.
Do I feel friction because I'm going against cultural pressure? Is it my own ego that can't tolerate an average work life? I also have difficulties with not really caring about the business. That is, I care about doing a good job, but companies come and go in my life so I don't get overly concerned with corporate attachment. Where I work now, you better believe that all the forces push towards corporate attachment. Since I don't want to attach, I feel a powerful fear of being found out for the impostor that I am. The body of the corporation doesn't want job competence but a commitment to the group.
As I write this, I see how this situation is exactly the same as how I felt in the monastery. I was at the monastery for the purpose of spirituality. I didn't really care that much about anything else; though I always planned to hold up my end of the responsibility for income.
My long term desire has been to be a spiritual scholar and an athlete. Results of spirituality lead me away from the main stream of society. One result is fear that society would withdraw its sustenance from me. And then how would I make a living?
Work is not separate from spirituality. But when work takes on a spiritual frame work, how decisions are made about it change. But this change in out look can not be discussed with other managers because they'd detect my betrayal of their corporate culture.
To "just be" is not a logical goal for a human being. This goal rubs my ego wrong in every possible way. Hence, my ego is always pushing me to achieve something.
To do my job at work is to "just be." To run laps or lift weights is to "just be." To attempt to formulate a traditional career path and carry it out seems to me like an acceptance to focus energy on career instead of "just being;" because dear reader, higher levels of management require higher quantities of time and commitment.
I live with tension as I was asked, "what are your goals?" I kept my mouth shut, pretending I didn't know. But really, I have secret goals for self transcendence. In the name of that goal, I let the daily corporate friction wear on me.
I will get up every day and study spiritual texts, work out and go to work. I will feel the fear of the corporate culture. Either I will be assimilated or cast out as a foreign object.
Some day, I will have acceptance and be at peace.