Finally this morning, I found some light in my mind.
Why did it take three or four days of prayer and serious awareness practice? I knew on Friday that I had tons of dark anger at the world. I asked Jesus about this even then. I remember even yesterday morning during my spiritual workout, I could not honestly say there was anything good in my mind. I talked to Jesus, asking for help, knowing the darkness was somehow my own decision.
This morning, as I read the text (25.III.6-8) of A Course in Miracles (ACIM), I completely felt open minded and able to look beyond this world to the Christ within (ACIM forgiveness). I realized that if all I do while I am on this planet is correct my negative ego, that is a sufficient life purpose. It isn’t that much fun to carry out this transcendence but the work far exceeds the alternative of going back to unconscious living (which I think would be impossible for me at this point).
Here are some excerpts of what I read. They filled me with hope.
+ The Maker of the world of gentleness (God) has perfect power to offset the world of violence and hate (my ego world) that seems to stand between you and His gentleness.
+ Everyone here has entered darkness, yet no one has entered it alone…. For he has come with Heaven’s Help within him (the Holy Spirit), ready to lead him out of darkness into light at any time.
+ And when he chooses to avail himself of what is given him, then will he see each situation that he thought before was means to justify his anger turned to an event which justifies his love. He will hear plainly that the calls to war he heard before are really calls to peace. He will perceive that where he gave attack is but another altar where he can, with equal ease and far more happiness, bestow forgiveness (see the holiness beyond the body). And he will reinterpret all temptation as just another chance to bring him joy.
Yesterday, it would have been impossible for me to nod my head at all. I knew this was right, but I was completely unable, by myself, to believe I could practice seeing the light. I take responsibility. The decision to see light or darkness is mine. I wanted to choose light, but somehow felt that I wasn’t. I felt insane and out of control of my own mind. I felt an inner insistence that the world was real, that it was full of fat meat-eaters whom I hated, and that nothing would ever change in my own mind. The only solution was to withdraw into my hermitage and interact as little as possible.
Today, my mind is full of light. I feel completely capable of accepting Heaven’s Help and see only holiness. I still can’t say why it took me four days to feel genuine about this; but Jesus would say time is not real and not linear so don’t worry about it.
I accept the job of continuing to correct my thinking, with Heaven’s Help.
Today, I ran 40 minutes on the treadmill. I hope I survive a snowstorm; my first since moving back to the city. I changed my blog template to simplicity.