Many people write essays about their parents and in retrospect, their parents look good. Mine don't; forgiven but not saints. What follows is my opinion, my judgement, or my beauty and love; depending on your perspective.
I will be 50 on Monday. When my dad was 50, I wasn't even born. When my mom was 50, I was 15. I hated her guts; not just because it was a teen age thing, but she was a drunk. My mom drank every night, usually through a black out. She was mean in her drunkeness. I hated both my parents and did not value them. Looking back, I have no wisdom that I got from them. They did not teach eternal truths or character values.
Now, here is the retrospect part where I let them off the hook: because of watching them, I have a tremendous compassion and empathy for all people. In them, I saw extreme degradation of the human soul. I knew it was also my soul. I knew we were all degrading our souls by our petty lives. I felt divine sorrow, as if I was God himself lamenting over my lost children. I remember seeing my mother with my human eyes, swaying in drunken sluriness before me. I remember seeing with the eyes of my heart, the unactualized soul behind the drunk. I watched my father doze off on the couch after yet another dinner time emasculation administered by my drunken mother, or his terribly wounded pleading as he asked me to explain the drunk. In them, I could see their divine essence, trapped and crying out to me. The divine soul that I saw was not at all physically visible. It was just a thing I knew in my heart, as I hatefully looked with my human eyes at these impoverished people. When I see soul degradation today, in others or myself, I feel pain and sorrow. I work spiritually and metaphysically to undo the situation.
We, all of us, do things to degrade our soul and cut off the spiritual communication with God. [I say "our soul" because my real life is not my own, but God's; and everyone is the same creation of God. I say "my ego" because egos are separated from God and only pretend to exist as stand alones.] The real pain I feel in compassion and empathy is the tragedy of what we, all of us, do to hurt our selves and trash our divine dignity. My compassion and empathy come into play all the time: as people, we do things which are extremely little, puny and ego oriented. We do almost everything and anything to please our egos. We buy little trinkets, waste our time on TV, chase after money and cheap thrills, and over-eat our lives away; wondering why we are never satisfied and don't know God. The message of all spirituality is that God is within. While I participate in littleness to a great degree, I also resist the tendency, and practice turning in to the inner divine.
As a child, my parents certainly played a huge role in un-dignifying me; stripping me of any semblance of human dignity. I came out of childhood without a scrap of self worth; and maybe never even heard of the concept. In fact, I was an achiever; but I never thought of that as a message that I was a good person. I thought I had managed to fool all the other stupid people into believing I was good. I thought that I was really rotten but good at hiding it. I kept pleasing people and getting approval; and then thinking they were stupid because they approved of me. Nothing satisfied me.
A good deal of my adult life has been spent in finding and healing my human dignity, our soul. I haven't drank for over 23 years. Getting sober was the start of the journey. I'm sure that the only point of my life and my spiritual journey has been the finding of our soul. For sure, the reconnection to God is the main focus of my life.
A Course in Miracles, the Bible, Islamic, Hindu and Buddhist writings, all of these are treasure troves. In them, I mine for true wealth, true connection with God and all that is. Since the age of 22, even before getting sober, I spent hours everyday meditating on some holy writing. And after listening to the words of the writing, I listen to the words of the Silence. I want to hear what God is saying to me. And then I go to work. And then I go running and lift weights. I drink distilled water, learning to enjoy it more than anything else I could put in my mouth. I listen to the Silence, learning to enjoy it more than anything else I could put in my head. All the while, I am strengthening the sense of our soul, allowing it to live instead of my ego. Our soul is my human dignity. Our soul is my heart. Our soul is my reason for being. When I am done with my ego delusion called human life, I will exclusively be this magnificent soul, that always was and always will be and is not my own. I really only exist in the heart of God.
Monday January 12 is my 50th birthday. Stop back by and leave me a comment!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Prelude to Symphonic Love
From A Course in Miracles:
- …Love dwells in you…
- …only holiness (the awareness of your divine indwelling) can content you…
- Value no plan of the ego before the plan of God.
- …willingly and gladly give over every plan but His.
- Every thought you keep hidden shuts communication off…
Today? Time for another promotion for “reflecting.” I read these spiritual things which remind me of God’s presence and I simply must stop, pause, be quiet, listen. If I can, I close my eyes and look inside.
I am Spirit Flower, a semi-hermit. I am approaching my 50th birthday. I find myself intrigued by this milestone. I don't feel 50; yet I have a recently found confidence in myself and my life choices which I never felt as a younger person.
I spent so many years pleasing people and trying to get their approval and validation. I struggled emotionally in my solitude with being "good enough" or "enlightened" and "what did the religious people think of me, am I bad?" I used to really hate normal society. These struggles seem to have run their course and like an infection, I got over them.
I have discovered a theology or spiritual system of thought which I can do alone in my house, no guru required, working directly with Spirit, no evangelization requirement. Maybe it was diligent work with this material, maybe continually investigating my feelings and writing about them, maybe just time; but I find myself at peace.
I think that anyone who walks away from society will feel some of these emotional pressures; but I say, "hang in there." The peace, light and freedom of living outside the social norms is totally worth it. I am a success!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Here I am Lord, Send Me
A little after supper last evening, I was sitting at my table for evening meditation/prayer. Suddenly, spontaneously, incredibly out of the blue!!!!! I blurted into my mind, "Here I am Lord, send me."
Yes I was sure. I felt incredibly unselfish for once and willing to experience whatever, in the name of Christ. I thought a bit and it came to me: the call of Isaiah. If you glance through the first 5 chapters of the Old Testament Book of Isaiah, you experience God's huge love for us and our ignorance and disrespect for Him. Then in chapter 6, He calls Isaiah. After experiencing God's love in the first few chapters, it is impossible not to be filled with compassion and blurt out towards heaven, "Yes! Whatever You want. I'm willing."
In willingness, God extends the power to know His presence deep down inside. His inner Presence, the fundamental idea of God in every person, is what can protect and inspire my living. This inner Presence, this fundamental idea of God is what I call holiness. Eveyone has it, but it is easily forgotten. Holiness will not buy you anything. Holiness draws us away from littleness: our cheap seeking for satisfaction in worldly things or accomplishments or over-eating or drugs or gambling or TV. Holiness will drawn you into meaningful relationships with other people, because you respect, honor and silently bless their holiness. Holiness will draw you out of fear of economic insecurity or even fear of looking stupid and dumb. The Spirit of God in me goes wild with blessing the world if I allow It to flow out through my holy awareness towards others, and join with the same Spirit in them.
In my heart, quietly enthroned, is The Presence. I need stop to give it space and I will know it. Knowing it, I am sent to remember it for everyone. We all have it.
Yes I was sure. I felt incredibly unselfish for once and willing to experience whatever, in the name of Christ. I thought a bit and it came to me: the call of Isaiah. If you glance through the first 5 chapters of the Old Testament Book of Isaiah, you experience God's huge love for us and our ignorance and disrespect for Him. Then in chapter 6, He calls Isaiah. After experiencing God's love in the first few chapters, it is impossible not to be filled with compassion and blurt out towards heaven, "Yes! Whatever You want. I'm willing."
In willingness, God extends the power to know His presence deep down inside. His inner Presence, the fundamental idea of God in every person, is what can protect and inspire my living. This inner Presence, this fundamental idea of God is what I call holiness. Eveyone has it, but it is easily forgotten. Holiness will not buy you anything. Holiness draws us away from littleness: our cheap seeking for satisfaction in worldly things or accomplishments or over-eating or drugs or gambling or TV. Holiness will drawn you into meaningful relationships with other people, because you respect, honor and silently bless their holiness. Holiness will draw you out of fear of economic insecurity or even fear of looking stupid and dumb. The Spirit of God in me goes wild with blessing the world if I allow It to flow out through my holy awareness towards others, and join with the same Spirit in them.
In my heart, quietly enthroned, is The Presence. I need stop to give it space and I will know it. Knowing it, I am sent to remember it for everyone. We all have it.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Value
I voluntarily got up at 4 today....long silence as you give me that look ....ok, I didn't know what I wanted to do today, but if I get up early, it leaves my options open.
I sat down first for spiritual study and meditation. Wow, I discovered some strong feelings and gave these to my Higher Power. At 6 I lifted weights and at 6:30 bundled up for a 2 hour run.
It was 15F (maybe about -10C), a 20+mph north wind, and just an inkling in the south eastern horizon that the sun would come up today. I live on the south end of town. I decided to run north through town and around a loop in the fields north of town, then back. After about 15 minutes, I have the front of my jacket and three layers of fleece half unzipped as I am warm enough and I want to let out the moisture.
On Sunday in a small town, hardly anyone is up. Four old ladies in a Prius stop to ask me where they can get breakfast. Clearly they are not from here and we have no quaint diners. I send them to the grocery store which has a breakfast of sorts in their deli.
After about 40 minutes, I get to the top of the hill at the very north of town and get blasted directly by the wind. I snap up my hood and turn west on a dirt road through the fields. The sunrise is quite spectacular. I pass an elderly horse in a barren field; he has no windbreak.
Just before starting this run, I heard an interview on NPR with M. T. Anderson who wrote "The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing." It sounds like a creative book. I just started reading Barak Obama's book "The Audacity of Hope" last night. Mr. Obama seems to have thought deeply and identified the principles of our culture. I start to wonder about my own life, "The Astonishing and Audacious Life of Spirit Flower." Is it astonishing? Do I have values? I’m about to turn 50 years old. What do I stand for? So many things that I’ve tried have gone by the wayside. What has endured the test of time and can stand as my life’s foundation? As I remember some of my childhood images, I come up with the following opening line for my biography: "Spirit Flower's life was defined by long distance running and spirituality." That is, running and spirituality make me a full spectrum contemplative; and contemplation is my principle value.
A value is a principle or a quality considered worthwhile (akin to purpose). My value to others, or humanity in general, relates to whether others consider me to have worth in usefulness. Within my own heart, I must consider my life to have worthwhile qualities. Not everyone needs this; but I would kill myself without it. If my efforts at living result in others considering me valuable; that is secondary. I struggle with this issue a lot because I compare myself to others who do have fancy titles and identifiable purposes.
My life is defined by long distance running and spirituality. These are indispensable and have been my modus operandi since early teens. Other than running and praying, I spend my time earning money at my job, and worrying about my running and praying plans. I have as few social entanglements as possible. My life as a spiritual seeker and athlete appears incredibly selfish. Yet, I pursue it with an irrepressible type of conviction which seems to come from my soul; and there are people who value me. Therefore, I must assume that I have values and I am valuable, despite appearances. My value is not tangible; but it can be known.
I have value and purpose. How do I know? These can be seen if you consider me a living icon. An icon is an enduring symbol. A religious icon is an enduring symbol of the Gospel and the life of Jesus Christ. I am an icon for how to be spiritual and be an athlete; as a way of life. These are opposite ends of the scale, but they provide a life of thoughtful contemplation beyond the solely material way of life. They both aim at higher consciousness and human transformation. These intangibles are my personal concerns.
People see me and say they admire my spirituality. People come up and ask about running, or my other health practices. I am available to be seen in the world and I am connected metaphysically to all mankind. There are Japanese contemplative monks that run ultra-marathons. There are ultra-marathoners who discover God in the process of a 100 mile race. I am a contemplative in the world who trains as an athlete. Spirituality is approached as training and running is approached as contemplation. Every mile run or weight lifted is a meditation. Every meditation is building spiritual endurance and strength. Every time I go out in the world, someone observes something about one or the other of these practices; hence, I am an icon. People are always enriched in some way; perhaps astonishment, perhaps audacious hope, but their soul will put it into action for them.
I sat down first for spiritual study and meditation. Wow, I discovered some strong feelings and gave these to my Higher Power. At 6 I lifted weights and at 6:30 bundled up for a 2 hour run.
It was 15F (maybe about -10C), a 20+mph north wind, and just an inkling in the south eastern horizon that the sun would come up today. I live on the south end of town. I decided to run north through town and around a loop in the fields north of town, then back. After about 15 minutes, I have the front of my jacket and three layers of fleece half unzipped as I am warm enough and I want to let out the moisture.
On Sunday in a small town, hardly anyone is up. Four old ladies in a Prius stop to ask me where they can get breakfast. Clearly they are not from here and we have no quaint diners. I send them to the grocery store which has a breakfast of sorts in their deli.
After about 40 minutes, I get to the top of the hill at the very north of town and get blasted directly by the wind. I snap up my hood and turn west on a dirt road through the fields. The sunrise is quite spectacular. I pass an elderly horse in a barren field; he has no windbreak.
Just before starting this run, I heard an interview on NPR with M. T. Anderson who wrote "The Astonishing Life of Octavian Nothing." It sounds like a creative book. I just started reading Barak Obama's book "The Audacity of Hope" last night. Mr. Obama seems to have thought deeply and identified the principles of our culture. I start to wonder about my own life, "The Astonishing and Audacious Life of Spirit Flower." Is it astonishing? Do I have values? I’m about to turn 50 years old. What do I stand for? So many things that I’ve tried have gone by the wayside. What has endured the test of time and can stand as my life’s foundation? As I remember some of my childhood images, I come up with the following opening line for my biography: "Spirit Flower's life was defined by long distance running and spirituality." That is, running and spirituality make me a full spectrum contemplative; and contemplation is my principle value.
A value is a principle or a quality considered worthwhile (akin to purpose). My value to others, or humanity in general, relates to whether others consider me to have worth in usefulness. Within my own heart, I must consider my life to have worthwhile qualities. Not everyone needs this; but I would kill myself without it. If my efforts at living result in others considering me valuable; that is secondary. I struggle with this issue a lot because I compare myself to others who do have fancy titles and identifiable purposes.
My life is defined by long distance running and spirituality. These are indispensable and have been my modus operandi since early teens. Other than running and praying, I spend my time earning money at my job, and worrying about my running and praying plans. I have as few social entanglements as possible. My life as a spiritual seeker and athlete appears incredibly selfish. Yet, I pursue it with an irrepressible type of conviction which seems to come from my soul; and there are people who value me. Therefore, I must assume that I have values and I am valuable, despite appearances. My value is not tangible; but it can be known.
I have value and purpose. How do I know? These can be seen if you consider me a living icon. An icon is an enduring symbol. A religious icon is an enduring symbol of the Gospel and the life of Jesus Christ. I am an icon for how to be spiritual and be an athlete; as a way of life. These are opposite ends of the scale, but they provide a life of thoughtful contemplation beyond the solely material way of life. They both aim at higher consciousness and human transformation. These intangibles are my personal concerns.
People see me and say they admire my spirituality. People come up and ask about running, or my other health practices. I am available to be seen in the world and I am connected metaphysically to all mankind. There are Japanese contemplative monks that run ultra-marathons. There are ultra-marathoners who discover God in the process of a 100 mile race. I am a contemplative in the world who trains as an athlete. Spirituality is approached as training and running is approached as contemplation. Every mile run or weight lifted is a meditation. Every meditation is building spiritual endurance and strength. Every time I go out in the world, someone observes something about one or the other of these practices; hence, I am an icon. People are always enriched in some way; perhaps astonishment, perhaps audacious hope, but their soul will put it into action for them.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Praying Afternoon
I spent the afternoon in prayer. This means that I found a comfortable position for sitting for a couple of hours, sipped distilled water now and then, closed my eyes, and gently thought the name of Jesus over and over. I say this name as Christ, with Christ, to Christ and in Christ. We, in our innermost Truth, are the Christ; created One by the Father to be the Son of God, in-dwelled by the Holy Spirit, and joined ineffably to Love beyond our wildest dreams. I hope to call all people to Our Father, who sits on the inner altar; where we can be joined in peace. I don't want or expect anything for myself other than the knowledge of The Presence, same as all may receive.
This prayer is a non-worldly prayer. Its efficacy does not exist in the ego's material world and hence cannot be perceived or judged. My ego bitterly resents my prayer and strives to thwart my actions. Today it did not succeed. NOTHING other than the name of Jesus interested me.
This prayer is a non-worldly prayer. Its efficacy does not exist in the ego's material world and hence cannot be perceived or judged. My ego bitterly resents my prayer and strives to thwart my actions. Today it did not succeed. NOTHING other than the name of Jesus interested me.
Friday, January 2, 2009
My Soul's Purpose
Today, I got up at 5, did prayer until 6:30, lifted weights and got to running by 7:05. It was a beautiful day, especially for January; only 25F, no winds, clear skies. I ran 20 miles in 3 hours and 34 minutes. Then, I buzzed to the post office and the ATM at the bank across the street. At the ATM, I looked at the Dollar Store, right there. Inside are these cheap chocholate chip cookies I like. I just ran 20 miles; don't I deserve a package of cookies?
I didn't do it. Something inside me kept me from getting the cookies, eating them and feeling bad. What kept me from doing it? Did I unconsciously have a higher value with higher ideals which became my driving force? Was the power of God active and channeled through this higher value? The needed power to avoid unhappiness was there today.
Lets say that anything happy is powered by God through this higher value which I will call Soul. Soul empowers me to keep from hurting myself. (I have done alot of work to achieve this clarity of empowerment.)
So... running long slow distance (LSD) defies the ordinary person's unclear, non-Soul reasoning. Ordinary people just don't think LSD is a reasonable thing to do, especially if you are old (like me?). Yet for me, the needed power is there to do something extremely radical which produces transcendence experiences. I assume the needed power is that of God and Soul. I assume the power of God and the desire of Soul are behind the LSD; not ego. I must believe I run for some reason other than ego gratification; as the ego's running glory is widely dispersed and short lived. Hmmm...I run for my Soul's sake.
What is my Soul's purpose in LSD? As I internally ask, the answer immediately pops out: perhaps to keep me out of the ordinary so I will continue to awaken to the extraordinary. I have had many opportunities and success at ordinary social engagement. My Soul was not thrilled. My Soul kept urging me into the non-ordinary, transcending to extraordinary. My Soul's purpose could be what kept me from the ordinary man's cookies today; or his religion, or eating habits, or career, or entertainments, or chemical usage, or typical relationships.
Suddenly I am grateful. I want to find the extraordinary because I want to be free; not an ordinary slave. I want to be alive; not slowly die of ordinary materialism and satiety. I want to know my Soul and hence God. That is my purpose for life. It goes hand in hand with my Soul and together we rise to Heaven.
I didn't do it. Something inside me kept me from getting the cookies, eating them and feeling bad. What kept me from doing it? Did I unconsciously have a higher value with higher ideals which became my driving force? Was the power of God active and channeled through this higher value? The needed power to avoid unhappiness was there today.
Lets say that anything happy is powered by God through this higher value which I will call Soul. Soul empowers me to keep from hurting myself. (I have done alot of work to achieve this clarity of empowerment.)
So... running long slow distance (LSD) defies the ordinary person's unclear, non-Soul reasoning. Ordinary people just don't think LSD is a reasonable thing to do, especially if you are old (like me?). Yet for me, the needed power is there to do something extremely radical which produces transcendence experiences. I assume the needed power is that of God and Soul. I assume the power of God and the desire of Soul are behind the LSD; not ego. I must believe I run for some reason other than ego gratification; as the ego's running glory is widely dispersed and short lived. Hmmm...I run for my Soul's sake.
What is my Soul's purpose in LSD? As I internally ask, the answer immediately pops out: perhaps to keep me out of the ordinary so I will continue to awaken to the extraordinary. I have had many opportunities and success at ordinary social engagement. My Soul was not thrilled. My Soul kept urging me into the non-ordinary, transcending to extraordinary. My Soul's purpose could be what kept me from the ordinary man's cookies today; or his religion, or eating habits, or career, or entertainments, or chemical usage, or typical relationships.
Suddenly I am grateful. I want to find the extraordinary because I want to be free; not an ordinary slave. I want to be alive; not slowly die of ordinary materialism and satiety. I want to know my Soul and hence God. That is my purpose for life. It goes hand in hand with my Soul and together we rise to Heaven.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I Feel Enthusiastic
January 12th is my 50th birthday. You are invited to stop by here on that day and celebrate with me; by saying Hi. I might spend a year celebrating my birthday; at least by going in 4 marathons.
This morning I got up at 5 for prayer and meditation. At 7, I went for a 10 mile run; very beautiful sunrise and diamond strings of geese overhead.
I just finished a 5 day juice fast/detox. My body feels great and looks great. I'm going to do a 40 day Daniel Fast to continue living in the realm of the spirit, and eating like it!
Here are some gems from A Course in Miracles Text which I read this morning:
This morning I got up at 5 for prayer and meditation. At 7, I went for a 10 mile run; very beautiful sunrise and diamond strings of geese overhead.
I just finished a 5 day juice fast/detox. My body feels great and looks great. I'm going to do a 40 day Daniel Fast to continue living in the realm of the spirit, and eating like it!
Here are some gems from A Course in Miracles Text which I read this morning:
- ...let all that would hide your glory be brought to the judgment of the Holy Spirit, and there undone (Atonement)...it is [these things we hide from God] that interfere with the recognition of the power of God that shines in you.
- The holy meeting place of the unseparated Father and His Son lies in the Holy Spirit and in you.
- You were created holy.
- The Atonement is so gentle you need but whisper to it and all its power will rush to your assistance and support.
- The Atonement offers you God.
- God has not left His altar...The temple is still holy, for the Presence that dwells within it is Holiness.
- In the temple, Holiness waits quietly...
- The graciousness of God will take (us) gently in and cover all (our) sense of pain and loss with the immortal assurance of (our) Father's love.
- The Presence of Holiness lives in everything that lives...
- ...you can become a spotless mirror, in which the Holiness of your Creator shines forth from you to all around you...leave the mirror clean and clear of all the images of hidden darkness...God will shine upon it of Himself.
- ...realize for a single instant the power of healing that the reflection of God, shining in you, can bring to all the world, you could not wait to make the mirror of your mind clean...
Beautiful stuff! I get these jewels everyday. They represent my wealth.
Given the knowledge that Holiness dwells within me/us, I pause and feel The Presence. I love The Presence and He loves me/us. I say me/us because I am in no way special to God. I am just persevering in the spiritual life. In knowing the Presence within, I am devoured by love and totally satisfied by the only Thing which ever can satisfy me. Don't you wish you could be thrilled by God each and every day? Just give up your ego and its toys.
Given the knowledge that "cleaning the mirror of my mind" (itemizing my ego's thoughts and giving them to the Holy Spirit) brings a reflection of God into the world is something I really want to do. In AA, we call this taking our inventory. In religion, it is called examining your conscience. I am not looking to see what "bad" thoughts I have, but what thoughts my ego is preoccupied with. These preoccupations are what keep me from remembering Holiness dwelling quietly within.
Knowing God is the top priority in my life; has been for a long time. I dedicated my life to God because I saw something I really wanted. Yes, I wanted to feel better; and I do. Yes, I didn't want to feel alone; and I have the utmost Companion. Yes, I wanted something higher than average mediocre consumerist life; and I do live in the realm of the Spirit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)