Well, I did it: walked/jogged 13.2 miles today to finish a Reverse Goofy, ninth of the year.
You know your life is off track when:
1. you are driving to Dallas to run 2 marathons but you know you don't want to do 2 marathons.
2. getting into hotel, set up computer. E-mail race director and ask to switch to the half marathon for day 2. That seems doable, and I get a Goofy in the process. She approves.
3. Free of running 2 marathons, I jog a bit fast for the first marathon, so heel hurts alot towards the end. But I was so fast that I realized I would be done by 11 am; with nothing to do but hang out in a nasty hotel room for the afternoon.
4. Hummmm, I'll ask at the desk and see if it is too late to check out and get a credit. I know I don't have the patience to hang around til tomorrow just so I don't eat the race entry fee.
5. Yes, they give me credit and I check out. My foot was on ice for most of the 4 hour drive home.
6. Sleep alot last night and not sure what today brings.
7. Get up, take yesterday's shoes and replace the insole with Miracle Insole. Now, that doesn't feel too bad. I can walk without pain.
8. Head to Brummerhop park and start walking laps. I'm certain that had I tried this in Dallas, I would be trying to go faster than I am. Why do I need a medal for walking 13.1 miles?
9. Towards the end of the walk, I think, "Why am I not happy with myself?" Yesterday, I thought my heel was a disaster. Today, I realize the horror was temporary.
10. I lift weights.
Wouldn't most people have stayed in Dallas and got the medal? Crimony, I hate not having anything to brag about. Being nothing and nobody is killing me. Doing private marathons is downward mobility. It is what I said I wanted. Not only do I give myself a hard time by downward mobility, but I pray for others to be successful; then I fight with my own ego over its jealousy.
Yes, joining the dopamine reward society would help me feel better. Life would be easier if I would channel my energy into going along with the group.
Secretly, I prefer my private Goofies. But they don't get me anything. But I'm trying to have a spiritual basis of life; and doing miles for self transcendence can't be done in a race.
I realize that in 2006 I succumbed to the belief that running ultras would somehow make me better spiritually. I need to let go of that. I enjoy walking in the hot sun just because I do. Attaching it to accomplishment is what kills me.
I have one more day off: sweet. I can continue the workouts.