I could have gone to Kansas City today and spent all day tomorrow running 50 miles in a snow storm.
I cancelled that and instead I'll be in Corpus Christi running a marathon:
I have some space in my life to build new chunks: compression of conscious data according to its inherent structure or the way it relates to preexisting memories. I live on interconnected facts assembled by awareness.
There may not be an I who does this. There is an abstract principle of life; at least I insist that there is. Is this a divine principle? I don't know the God behind it. I do know that when I seek the more silent area of my consciousness, I feel more calm and am able to go about my day with less stress.
Walking away from organized religion, I lose the meaning and purpose of life. The path of no-purpose is not grounded and therefore frightening. We scramble for something to hold on to in order to feel ok about ourselves. I have intentionally ripped my self from the society which gives it position.
I try again to know who I am without others approval or opinion. Like, what races or how many miles would I do if I had no one to tell about it?
Reading this blog, someone knows what race I am going in; but there is no one I'm reflecting off of regarding this activity. I need to know. If something is purely for myself, with no outside input, would I do it?
I think I have a better chance of re-writing the ancient survival chunks (like continuous eating) and finding a new awareness of life if I do it apart from society. Society seems to force the ongoing dogma instead of going outside the norms. (see "The Ravenous Brain" for chunk explanations).
I just came back from a 13.6 mile jog. Many thoughts as I went along.
For one, if I maintain a certain speed of about 14 min/mile, I have no trouble with my skeletal deformities.
For another, I recently had an experience with a group. I got them mad at me because I didn't go along with their norms. They stoned me electronically. All groups are like this; either play nice or face the consequences. I know this and I know how to play nice. But in this instance, I felt like saying my opinion. They didn't like it. I got stoned.
This experience caused me to think about relationships. I see most of them as mirrors. That is, this group was a mirror for me to posture and preen in front of, receiving compliments and affirmations as long as I behaved. To some extent, my actual life and thoughts were affected by the mirror.
So now I have walked away from that mirror. I wonder how I will shape my thoughts and experiences without that mirror. I have other mirrors for other purposes; but how will I be in that particular area?