Empty

This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed. Not because of the time change; I was awake before the alarm. I just didn't want to get up. Perhaps I am in the grip of a life crisis, or perhaps my modus operandi is catching up with me.

Other than going to work to earn money, I have no need to get out of bed. I continue to reflect on my life and can't see its purpose, the patterns don't have meaning for me.

But then, as I lay in bed, the phrase "an empty room" crossed my mind. For some reason, this was an exciting idea and caused me to jump up.

I'm a little over 54. At 55, my mother retired and became a full time drunk living off an attorney husband. The emotional trauma of our household got markedly worse. The day I quit drinking over 27 years ago, I vowed not to be like my mother. Within 2 days of getting out of the monastery and observing my 50 something friends with health issues, I vowed not to be fat and sedentary and eat their crap.

I get up at 3:15 and do some spiritual reading. This reading seems to help my attitude a great deal. Then I work out for 75 to 85 minutes. This also helps my attitude and it is a continuation of the spiritual pondering and prayer. Then I go to work.

My daily routine is not meaningful to me. I quit trying to blame everything on God, and so that ended my attempts to make meaning of anything. My daily life is survival. I am realistic about how false everything is.

Now, I return to the empty room. I wish my life had more time for empty miles.