It is Saturday. I'm about to head out to the park for a few miles. But first, I was doing my spiritual studies and pondering A Course in Miracles. I am reading a book by Marianne Williamson on that topic and that is where the "self actualization" came from; as I need to clarify exactly what I want from the universe.
I've been in conflict my entire life about my career. It has always been just a job and source of money; not something I'm devoted to. Yet I work amongst people who give every appearance of being devoted to their work. I do hold up my end of the productive output at work but I do it just because I do, not because I love it. And the rest of my life has always been my interest: spiritual studies and endurance athlete.
So, I need time to live my life and I continually protect myself from time at work overtaking the daily training. This tension of time causes a mental conflict. This topic came up in a conversation with my boss this week who notices that I am always protecting my life from work. So now I am afraid of him. Today is the boss' Christmas party and I know I would only go in order to please him.
But as I pondered this tension in relation to A Course in Miracles, the thought struck me: either stand in your truth or continue to play games. How powerful. I don't think I'd lose my job over this because I am a productive team member. Accepting average-ness at work is ok because the vast majority of the engineers stay at the level I'm at for decades and then retire.
But my line in the sand says something.
I need to choose a path: self actualize as an endurance athlete and ACIM scholar or self actualize as an engineer. I need to stand in my truth and give a clear answer to the universe about it. But I also need to ponder my truth more deeply. It certainly is not framed in form but content; and each day can deliver content regardless of form. What is it I really want?
The conundrum continues. I need to go running now.