The Hope Dilemma...

It seems to me I might have lived most of my life without hope. Or maybe I've lived my life in a total delusion of hope. Hope vs hopeless is my dilemma.

I have drive. My inner drive never gives up. My inner drive relentlessly pushes forward no matter what the probability of success.

ACIM lesson 12: "I am upset because I see a meaningless world....The importance of this idea lies in the fact that it contains a correction for a major perceptual distortion. You think that what upsets you is a frightening world, or a sad world, or a violent world, or an insane world. All these attributes are given it by you. The world is meaningless in itself."

I admit that I put Aristotle's "Metaphysics" aside this morning and went back to the ACIM text for my spiritual reading (Chapter 13). ACIM is a definite challenge for my ego; meaning, my ego hates what ACIM points out about it.

Its been true for a long time that I don't seem to make much progress in my career; except to do very well as a basic engineer. I don't seem to move ahead financially; except to do very well providing a basic comfortable life. I run and train a gob; and this is enjoyment. As the years go by, I seem tremendously successful because my peer group quickly slides into obesity and ill health by my age.

Today is Holy Thursday. The Roman Catholics start their 3 day Easter liturgy today. I know the Christian world is going into a convulsion over the celebration of the death and rising of their Lord. I no longer think God really cares about all this. I don't think Jesus does either. I find any religion unbelievable. It just can't have anything to do with God.

I live in a twilight reality. As an ACIM student, I no longer completely believe this world is real. I grant myself a shift in belief toward the realization that the world I see truly is my illusion. As an ACIM student, I use the course to shave down and ruff up my ego on a daily basis. Hence, my ego is always irritated and crabby.

But the other part of me which is not ego, that drive I mentioned above, turns towards spirituality as the only possible solution for hope. This world is meaningless to me; so I look beyond towards my inner being to find something, anything, to grasp. I must believe in the divine consciousness. There is no alternative.

My weekly rolling mileage total at livestrong.com is 73.65 miles. I'm going in a trail half marathon this Saturday. Next weekend, I'll be in Vancouver BC running a marathon.