Of Desperation

My running is in essence futile; except insofar as it defeats my ego.

Yesterday, I ran around a 2.25 mile trail 11 times. Going up the one steep hill for the 4th time, I realized how stupid this is but that some spirit beyond myself must be driving the effort. This morning, reality hits my ego. Yesterday, it took me 6 hours to go as far as what takes me 5 hours of slow jog/walk on a road or 4 hours if I actually run. The value was in patience. I was tiring out my legs on that trail. It is disillusioning to keep going despite the tediousness of picking your way over rocks or climbing those nine flights of stairs. But the numbers suck. Don't look at me.

I have to choose between competitive running and contemplative running. Surface vs depth. My soul yearns for me and I desire it. I must let go of the delusions and fears and guilts of this world.

Some people live in majestic places with beautiful houses and inspiring views. Outside my apartment window is a parking lot and an office building and the sound of the freeway nearby. I fly coach. And I get to chose to experience depth or surface luxery. The root cause of spiritual desperation is the same for everyone; just some of us hide it better than others.

Nothing about my life is enlightening or majestic or inspiring. Mundane work a day survival is how I feel about it. I directly experience my spiritual desperation and attempt to connect with the Holy Spirit for healing.

ACIM text 11.V: "The real conflict you experience, then, is between the ego’s idle wishes and the Will of God..."

I must depart from the usual ways of doing things.

Today I ran 22.26 miles on a flat dirt path in 4h10. I enjoyed this. I could put my head down and just run, no thinking about tripping on rocks necessary.