I woke up this morning at 3:18, 12 minutes before the alarm on a Monday morning. And in my head was this old Beatles song, "Here comes the sun....Little darling, its been a long cold lonely winter....Little darling, the sun should soon be here..." Well, this week holds at least one more snow storm and one more bitterly cold morning, but I'll take the song. Its a great way to wake up.
And, the week of exercise continues. Yesterday, I ran 19 miles, bringing the weekend total (Friday night thru Sunday) to 52 miles and change. Last week was 77+ miles. I am not injured. I think the upcoming 12 hour endurance run will go well.
As I was running yesterday something new about the ego mind: it wants to get away with less. That is, as I am running, preparing for a victory, my ego wonders if it can have the victory and shortcut the work. I experienced how my brain kept going off track, sliding off the map, wanting to do less. It wasn't just physical fatigue, it was actual subterfuge that would leave me short on race day. I think the outstanding performers complete the work without lying to themselves and cutting it short.
I also noticed my deep belief that pain or trauma will somehow produce the experience of God. Almost every story of illumination I've ever heard contains pain and despair and finally breakthrough. I admitted once again that I hope ultra-running gives me this. Yes, that insidious belief that I can force God to enlighten me is still there, quietly undermining all the improvements in personality. In this world, my ego still rules.
I am left still pondering God. As I sit quietly after these runs, pondering the meaning of ultra-running, I hear only silence. I search inward, into the lighted unfathomed and bottomless depths. What if the best God has is silence, utter and infinite?
The ego also lies to me. My saving grace is in choosing what the Holy Spirit says instead. My only chance at happiness is in listening to the Holy Spirit's evaluation of me and going after the Holy Spirit's goals for me. These goals are not of this world, not tangible things.