Living in Nothingness

I am an endurance athlete. I am a great engineer. But my life is pointless.

Did the God project fail?

In silence and solitude, I find solace. This is because I can hear the Holy Spirit's non-judgment of me. This unconditionality and lack of performance standards sets me free. It is here in focused inner listening that I know I am loved and my self evaluations flee. So I am left in peace. Comparing myself to others is unimaginably depressing.

But did the God project fail?

At a young age, I decided I wanted to know God. I went first to religion. Religion led to a practice of contemplation and to the monastery. Along the way, I affirmed that I want to shamelessly follow Jesus and live a life of prayer. In a very real sense, I have that wish. On a moment to moment day by day basis, the God project is wildly successful; as long as I don't measure it against what anyone in the world has or does or is. This comparison is my downfall. The practice of thinking what I got isn't enough is a carefully orchestrated self sabotage; so subtle, so insideous I must be vigilant for its evil corroding poison.

In a real sense, I've received a ton, but it doesn't exist on the physical plane. The self sabotage is totally on the physical plane. My success is metaphysical. My truth is spiritual. Hence, the bridge to spirit from the depressive world is metaphysical. This metaphysical in-between consciousness is where I exist in solitude. There, I can think tremendous thoughts and expand my potentialities into the limitless eternal infinity of Pure Existence; God Himself.

Today, I did this while shuffling along a flat gravel levey for 5 hours. It is only in looking back at the experience and wondering what the hell good it was that I was inspired to stop comparing it to others. Suddenly, I became free.

This week at work: my first workshop with the other "High Performance Facilitators." All thru my career, I've been seen as having leadership potential. So I am going along with the gig one more time.