This blog entry is about a particular struggle I am having with myself. It seems it is time to let go of additional post-monastic-stress-disorder and further enter the secular world. Why?
a) It seems to be the Holy Spirit's gift to me.
b) My refusal to be like everyone else has evolved into an ego delusion.
In the monastery, I learned certain spiritual practices related to frugality, simplicity, silence, solitude, and maybe some others. When I first left the monastery, I practiced these things because I was genuinely interested in being a monk in the world. I shaped the ideas and expanded them to fit a loner in the world. Slowly, but especially the past few months, I've noticed a degeneration of my motives. I think I've become disdainful of some aspects of society just to pretend I'm better or higher in some way.
Like I would love to pursue the ermetical life. But I live and work around others. I have been a non-participant of society in a number of ways and for seeming good reason; but the practice causes friction with others. The friction can be dealt with by further withdrawal and a more concrete decision to give up career and lifestyle in order to be alone more for prayer. Or, the friction can be dealt with by letting go of my withdrawal and attempting again to join others.
What is the Holy Spirit doing which causes me to discern His Guidance? The situation is at work. I have been offered entry into two programs which would help me gain leadership skills as well as lead productivity groups as a facilitator. And there is a third learning opportunity on the horizon, although I don't yet know if I've been accepted. I look at this as formation, not only in corporate culture but in fulfilling the Holy Spirit's plan for me.
It means personal change for me.
My career has failed over and over because of me and my attitudes. Now, for the first time in my life, post-monastic career or otherwise, I'm being offered help. All I have to do is fully go along with the program. I am scared. I "always" fail at stuff like this.
Leave me alone. I'm going running.