Why do I think I exist?

At some ancient place in some ancient time, even before there was place or time, I existed as a thought of love in the mind of God. Somehow, I had a hateful thought. God instantly said, “No big deal, forget it.” As far as God was concerned, it was over.

But I was ashamed and felt guilty. I didn’t know how to let go or forget. I was worried that I had hurt God, whom I loved. I was worried that my stature in God’s eyes was diminished. I was afraid God might punish me for having had that thought. I knew I had the thought. I tried to hide the thought behind other thoughts. But the more thoughts I added, the worse things got.

Eventually, I had added so many thoughts that I became lost in them. My lostness is what I see as the world and my body today. Deep down, the root cause of the world I see is that I think I did something wrong; hence the world is a projection of my fear of punishment and an embodiment of my shame. I realize that whenever I sense something screwed up or difficult or I become embroiled in red tape or I fear illness like cancer; I am re-experiencing the thought, “I did something wrong.” I feel guilty all the time. In addition, I think salvation lies in conquering my problems through worldly means: getting angry at someone, paying for it, seeking medical attention, eating right, being a good girl and being approved of.

But really, the answer to my problems lies in God, remembering I am a thought of love in the mind of God. The answer lies in giving my life totally back to God. I have help in remembering from (whoever) Jesus, Christ, Self, Holy Spirit, The Voice for God, Atman, Buddha, etc. All my worldly problems are sourced in my one imaginary original problem: All of my problems are made out of thoughts trying to hide the one original hateful thought. Everything reflects: I think I did something wrong.

I pause many times a day, seek a holy instant where my mind is still and I am connected to The Voice for God, give my problem to Him and let Him heal my thinking. In the holy instant, I stop attacking and punishing for long enough to turn it over and let Him help me.

Yesterday morning, I got up at 3:15 and spent an hour in meditation and study. At 4:30, I went running. I ran 7 miles. My run was very silent. The two large industries in town were down due to city water work. That early, I rarely even see cars. I was thinking about a potential problem. After about 5 miles of running in the cool darkness, I had achieved a moment of clarity about the root cause. If I had that problem, it was because I had decided that salvation could be gained by conquering the problem. I don’t know how to permanently let go of my disastrous thinking, but I do know how to seek Jesus’ help. And so I did. During my run, I had my holy instant. Immediately, I made a different decision: salvation lies in returning to God. Salvation lies in letting go of all my thoughts which keep God out.

If you are a recovering alcoholic, this story is the embodiment of step two from the 12 and 12: Whenever we are troubled, we pause, ask for silence, and in the stillness say, “God, grant me the serenity….”