Last night and this morning, I was working on my lesson for today: “I loose the world from all I thought it was.”
I thought of all the people and institutions for which I had expectations or defining thoughts or projections. It was a further awakening to my thought projections; what I expect of others, my assumptions about why they treat me the way they do.
Then I thought of my Lenten journey. I said I was going to be in a desert, going deeper into Christ with a focused intention. I think I have been in a period of letting go. But this morning, I raised my eyes to Easter. I realized that starting today, I am thinking more of a garden existence that a desert existence. This is new thinking: I am willing to dream a garden and quit dreaming the terror and frustration I see in the world. The Lenten desert of barren landscapes was an in between place of healing.
It’s not a new realization for me: the root character defect or limiting belief of mine is that I think there is something wrong with me. Put another way: I’m not good enough. Based on this belief, I dreamed a world where I am not good enough to “win” or there is something wrong with me that needs to be fixed before I will know God. With this belief, I never would have entered a garden. I didn’t want a garden. I wanted barrenness. I felt comfortable in barrenness. A garden would be too loving and comfortable. There is some aspect of God which exists in the garden which I didn’t want to face. I could only deal with a raw and windswept God of the desert. I could only be a desert flower clinging to life through a crack in the rocks. Now, I think I could be verdant, fragrant, and rooted in rich moist soil. I am willing to face the abundantly loving and caring aspect of God.
I am now willing to exist at peace in a garden. No, I won’t go buy candy or new clothes. I will dream differently. I’ll put the energy of abundance of spirit into my dream. I’ll put the lushness of peace and the safety of heaven into my dream. I will relax and trust that I am not es-special-ly bad. I am a thought of love, an idea of God, a light. There is no such thing as flawed light; and light is all I am.
The world I see is the one I think I see and the one I decided to see. If I am willing to bring my thoughts into my conscious awareness, then I have a chance of letting them go, or giving them to my higher power. I have a chance of allowing that higher power to heal me.
Personal Statistics: I splurged on food over the weekend. Tuesday, I returned to raw foods and the extra water weight dissipated by this morning already. I am going in the Olathe Half Marathon this Saturday. I am entered in a 50K a couple of weeks from now. The company I work for filed additional SEC paperwork indicating that we must sell or get alternate funding for our closed Illinois facility.