Sunday, August 24, 2008

The Hand of Love

This morning, I woke up late, 6:30. I had been unable to get out of bed with the alarm at 4. So, the late rising meant a change of plans. I couldn't get in a three hour run and also make it to the city for a 10 am AA meeting. I decided: get up now, get in the car by 7, get to Parkville by 8, run 3 laps, buy your coffee and get to the meeting on time. No prayer and meditation on that schedule.

I started running about 7:50. During my run, I was watching my thoughts. I kept identifying thoughts that were clearly ego thoughts and grievances. These, I gave to Jesus and asked Jesus to guide my thinking. "Jesus," I thought, "I want to have the other consciousness. The one that recognizes the divinity in every other person. (an ACIM tenet) I pray for an intuitive thought, inspiriation of decision." I have a hateful attitude towards everyone. I work hard spiritually to get better, and I am; but I recognize that I have a long way to go in having God instead of my ego run my life.

One common thread in my thinking this morning was "What AA meeting should I go to?" I didn't really want to go to Parkhill, where every body loves eachother and they read from the Daily Reflections and talk about their issues. But, Northtown, where they read from the Big Book and only talk about getting sober, is so stiff and smells like smoke. I turned this over to Jesus. A guy from Parkhill was walking in the park. Having been seen, my ego piped up again, "What will he think if you don't go to the meeting at Parkhill?" The dilemma continued. I was running well and got 4 laps (10.8 miles) done by 9:40. As I finished the last lap, I asked Jesus again to direct my thinking about which meeting to go to.

Laying on the ground by my car was somebody's ipod ear set. I thought, "Hey! Take that to Parkhill, maybe A. will be there and you can play a joke on her (another story that)." So, I picked up the head set and planned to tease someone. Thats how I made my choice.

At Parkhill, they read, "It may be possible to find explanations of spiritual experiences such as ours...I know the feeling it gave me and the results it has brought, but I may never fully understand its deeper why and how."

Somehow, this took me back to when I first got sober. I was able to see and feel the hand of God all throught the past 23 years, right up to that morning, and I was able to feel like I loved all the other people at the meeting (even though I usually hate them). I felt gratitude. I almost never feel gratitude. As I felt gratitude for God and these people, I felt love. I never feel love.

So, through prayer, I felt gratitude and love for others this morning. I want to shout it to the world as a momentous occasion. Thus...a blog.