Awesome God Lesson

Last evening I was sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of tea. This is my customary location for spiritual reading (lectio divina) which I practice with the ACIM Text. Except for I noticed the barest little suggestive thought, I might not have been there. The little thought was preceeded by a louder thought, "you don't need to study." Then the little thought, "just take your cup of tea to the table and sit down." I chose to follow the little thought.

My ACIM Text is always open on the table. I glanced down at it.

• The ego exerts maximal vigilance about what it permits into awareness...raises control rather than sanity to predominance.

This sentence caused me to pause. The ego is merely a part of my belief system. It is split off from the majority of my mind. But, my world consciousness pays attention mostly to the ego and not the rest of my mind. I paused thinking, "Wow. I wonder what I am keeping out of my awareness." It was awesome to think that I am just ignoring and distorting many things; probably the spiritual things. I wondered and began to enter contemplation...

At that moment, I got a call from a customer service representative from a local car dealership where I had recently purchased a car. She invited me to have my first service there. Now, I had already received a coupon from them for a free oil change, but every time I tried to use it, they said I would have to wait two hours. So I had thrown it away and gone to Jiffy Lube where I could get out in 20 minutes. When the dealer girl called me, I let her know what I thought of their service department and how the only way to use it was to rent a car and leave mine there all day and I wouldn't do it for an oil change.

After I hung up, I paused again. Wow! You would think I had been sitting in my kitchen with guns loaded and aimed just waiting for that dealer to call. I was surprised. How much resentment am I carrying, just waiting to fire at some unsuspecting person? I shared this with Jesus. I glanced again at the ACIM Text:

• By becoming involved with tangential issues, it (the ego) hopes to hide the real question and keep it out of your mind.

It went on to mention ego diversionary tactics as characteristic busyness. Suddenly I had a moment of clarity. My normal consciousness is taken up with tangential issues, characteristic busyness and diversionary tactics which the ego throws out like flac, which is how the ego keeps the spiritual out of my awareness and hides the real question. My whole world is made of the ego's tangential issues, characteristic busyness and diversionary tactics. This is how the ego separates me from God. I took my inventory (AA step 10) and made a list of these things:

1. Should I visit the monastery on Sunday?
2. How hot will it be for the 50k race this Saturday?
3. Will the guy from alcohol shipping call at 4 am.
4. I hate work, and I am afraid of everybody there.
5. How much money?
6. I can't.
7. I'm a failure.
8. I'll never be perfect enough for God to send a revelation.
9. That girl in kindergarten shouldn't have taken my pencil.
10. etc., etc, etc.

I gave all these things to Jesus (the list was long). I glanced again at the ACIM Text:

• When you make a decision of purpose, then, you have made a decision about your future effort; a decision that will remain in effect unless you change your mind.

And there you have it. I have never really made a decision of purpose. I just make decisions about characteristic busyness and tangential issues and diversionary tactics. I really have never had a decision of purpose that hasn't gotten lost each day or which I haven't changed my mind about an hour later. Example of a decision: don't eat any junk today. Changed my mind: well now I think a packet of cheezits would be ok.

The ego's thoughts are at the level of control not sanity: junk food will kill me, why ever eat it? To find sanity, I have to ask the question which the diversionary tactics hide: What for? What is the purpose? The ego's purpose is boredom and resentment. I can choose to ask Jesus everything and let Jesus guide me in everything. I can decide that I don't want to live an entire life stuck in resentment and busyness and issues. I can decide!!!!

But, I still wasn't able to focus on a decision of purpose. My wandered off and I began reading a book. I hope I get into decisions today. I'll have to ask Jesus and decide to follow guidance. I glanced again at the Text:

• Your gratitude to your brother is the only gift I (Jesus) want. I will bring it to God for you, knowing that to know your brother is to know God. If you are grateful to your brother, you are grateful to God for what He created. Through your gratitude you come to know your brother, and one moment of real recognition makes everyone your brother because each of them is of your Father.
• Salvation is a collaborative venture. It cannot be undertaken successfully by those who disengage themselves from the Sonship, because they are disengaging themselves from me. God will come to you only as you will give Him to your brothers. Learn first of them and you will be ready to hear God.

Now, I had to stop. No, I am not grateful. I want to hear God, but I want to throw away the rest of the Sonship. Jesus, we need to talk. I need your help.