What a morning. I was so confused and in turmoil. First I will affirm my choice and then tell my story of how I got there.
The race I am running today is to choose listening to the Voice for God and not defending my ego or taking any sort of ego gratification. My race today is to hang on to my soul; that is the thing of value which I choose.
Now, here is my story. I wanted to go in an unlta-marathon today. The race was to be 50K. I have trained for this and I wanted to prove I could do it. But, on Monday, laying on the floor stretching, I stretched my arms over my head and clinched my abdominals; and something went clunk in my ribs and I was suddenly in pain. The pain is still with me right now, but it is relieved with anti-inflammatories. So I could have taken drugs and gone in the race (31 miles) regardless.
I have been trying to decide about this race all week but I've had a feeling of dread. I had the ribs and hot humid weather hanging over my head. I got out of bed this morning at 4:15 and sat at my table with a cup of coffee and the Course in Miracles Text. Outside was a severe thunderstorm. I was "painfully" aware that I wanted to go in the race to save my ego. If I didn't go in the race, I wanted a good enough excuse to save my ego's face. I could see I was caught in a situation where my ego was arguing with itself. I was trapped with feeling crummy either way I went. How do I choose?
I looked at the ACIM Text: "God Himself keeps your will alive by transmitting it from His mind to yours..."
I allowed myself to contemplate this. It reminded me of what it says in the AA Big Book: "Deep down in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God."
I reached out to the fundamental idea of God and the thing of value which I wanted above all else. In the AA Big Book, when we are in indecision, we are to sit before the Father of Lights and wait. In ACIM it says, "...you need a new light. The Holy Spirit is the radiance that you must let banish the idea of darkness."
I realized I needed a third choice. My turmoil over going in a running race had lead to an exercise in choosing the Voice for God. "His (Holy Spirit's) is the Voice that calls you back...It is possible even in this world to hear only that Voice and no other. It takes effort and great willingness to learn. It is the final lesson that I (Jesus) learned..."
My third choice is to listen to the Voice and not defend my ego. So I have to somehow live through today and the rest of my life choosing the Voice for God and not defending my ego. My ego want to use this third choice to save face. So the third choice has to be a choice for nothing, no ego gratification.
"The Voice of the Holy Spirit does not command...It merely reminds. It is compelling only because of what it reminds you of. It brings to your mind the other way, remaining quiet even in the midst of turmoil you may make. The Voice for God is always quiet, because It speaks of peace. Peace is stronger than war because it heals...If you listen to the wrong voice you have lost sight of your soul."
So I will go to the city, go to an AA meeting, buy my organic groceries, come home and go for a short run. I must make a decision of purpose: hang on to my soul and not give face to my ego.