Saturday, June 15, 2013

Revisiting My Past

I have started reading Thomas Merton's "Seven Story Mountain." I was hoping to find the impetus for my own spiritual journey, as the book seems to have played a part in my journey. I'm only up to where he is about 19 years old; and a seeming mess.

Now I am roughly 35 years older than the seeming mess I was at 19. Sitting here, I can say I have an amazing amount of discipline: going to work responsibly to earn a living, daily spiritual workouts, sober for 27 years.

I relate to Merton's inner struggle. Part of why I keep to myself is that I need to keep looking inward to find the pattern. What is it I am blind to?

Today, it took 5 hours in 102F heat index to bring my ego to the quitting point; an end of sorts as I said, "no I can't stand another hour and a half to make a marathon." It was sweaty and not a hint of a breeze. It was impossible to keep going from a heat perspective, but also from a pain perspective. I wish I could. I can't run far enough to really find myself.

Had I achieved "Vowed Religious" I'd always have a validated position for my ego to resurrect over and over. As it is, I have the failure of that endeavor and numerous other attempts to achieve something. I am left with: sober.

But wait, I just beat out 2 other colleagues for a job I've wanted for 3 years.

I have to be alone to struggle with my inner self; but also, I'll go to an AA meeting where I always get the humility needed to be a tolerable person.

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