Sun Worship

I was reading someone's poetic reflections on the beauty of nature at sunrise and sunset. It sounds good on paper, but my American life in the city doesn't provide anything charming or mystic about the sun. Its just plain old freaking hot; so turn on the AC.

I do have an inner sun (the God part), which I could say is the only sun I appreciate. If I appreciate the mysticism of nature, its more in the silence of predawn hours when I am out running. Or the call of the first bird. This morning, I ran in the predawn heat and humidity; but it was peaceful.

Should I stop believing in God since I have no proof? I am the type of believer who says, "Who then made all this?" The physical world is an illusion. The energy behind it is more what I mean by creation.

I'm also the type of believer who says, "Into your hands I commend my spirit." After I surrender my life like that, I really do feel at peace with what ever outcome happens. If I was merely an animal, I wouldn't need to do this consciously. If I was merely an animal, I wouldn't have to decide if I want to live either.

Deep down under all that I am, before you get to the God part, is hatred for being alive. I am aware of it, and its effects on my life. I don't know what the cure for it is; so I just deny it power over the life decision and give it donuts instead. That seems to work!