Every Stress is for Pondering

So, I'd really like to be a "real" ultra runner; but see that I'm not. As I've decided not to race this weekend due to heat, I feel a certain shame. See, I know people run Badwater (and back). I know people run the race I'm not going to. Other people run 100 mile races. Other people run 3,100 mile races. I see that I can't get these things together.

But really, if I run 50, 60 or 70 miles a week, the glass is more than half full. But my ego can't stand to be "less than" anyone. No really. I feel this tension all the time as I consistently take my dog out of the race. Feeling the ego frustration is important for spiritual growth. It helps my "be in the world but not of it" situation.

So you see, my ego work is ongoing.

This morning I went out for a nice 6 mile run. I wondered if I am an old or a young soul. I wondered because it seems like I still have a long way to go spiritually. But I have had an interesting and different life so far. I was brought up in Berkeley, California, during the Vietnam war riots in Berkeley, Haight Ashbury drug scene in San Francisco, Black Panthers and women's lib era. My family had plenty of money, so I traveled all around the world, we had a ski cabin in Squaw Valley and we kept private horses. I went to both public and private schools; hence experiencing racial tension first hand. I've even come to see that being from a non-religious and alcoholic home has benefited me in some ways.

But I did get tapped on the shoulder by a conscious spiritual call at the age of 22. There is no mistake about this. I've really made alot of spiritual progress, but I don't think this lifetime is the "big one."

I seek inner quiet. This practice seems useless as in it has no productive results; except I might hear an intuitive thought now and then. But this practice is also the only one where I am not interpreting or judging; or thinking thoughts related to fear, anger, self denigration.

And then I run. And I run. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I plan to get up early and run for about 3 hours, then work for about 4 hours, then do an afternoon ex-machine workout. And this too helps me to find inner quiet. Inner quiet is self transcendence, my main interest in life.

How do you get to be wise instead of shallow? How do I go deeper into my depths? This is my desire and I'm certain it involves solitude and silent meditation.