I am in a mental state such as I've never been. I've been dismantling my religious belief systems for a few years. And I've been reading books about the brain lately (ie how do we get beliefs). So sitting on the airplane, I thought about the dichotomies and I thought about my beliefs about myself. Here is a simple layout.
If I get the job:
- is it because God or a higher power wanted me to have it?
- is it because I created it from my own thoughts?
- is it luck?
- is it talent?
- is it because I think I'm not good enough?
- is it because I never get what I want because the cosmos doesn't give it or my thoughts are screwed up?
- is it because I'm somehow a bad little girl?
- is it because nobody likes me?
- is it because of politics?
- is it because the competition was truly better?
Except for once in my life, I am aware of what my mind does. I can actually choose detachment or ambivalence. I don't have to believe anything. Letting go to this extent is going beyond some of my former boundaries. My only chance of ever having an original thought or experiencing freedom of thought is to buck the ancient and modern programming in every way I can. It is likely that there is no truth.
If I keep this up, I'll someday soon enjoy a sunset just because it is. Period.