Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Believe it or Not

I am in the city where our corporate HQ is. I am going to an interview for a promotion tomorrow.

I am in a mental state such as I've never been. I've been dismantling my religious belief systems for a few years. And I've been reading books about the brain lately (ie how do we get beliefs). So sitting on the airplane, I thought about the dichotomies and I thought about my beliefs about myself. Here is a simple layout.

If I get the job:
  • is it because God or a higher power wanted me to have it?
  • is it because I created it from my own thoughts?
  • is it luck?
  • is it talent?
If I don't get the job:
  • is it because I think I'm not good enough?
  • is it because I never get what I want because the cosmos doesn't give it or my thoughts are screwed up?
  • is it because I'm somehow a bad little girl?
  • is it because nobody likes me?
  • is it because of politics?
  • is it because the competition was truly better?
So you see, whether I win or lose, I'll probably make up a story about why this happened or what it means. That's my point. I see how we make reality what we want it to be and imbue it with irrational spiritual idealizations. The story may or may not involve God. The story may or may not involve my psychology. The story may or may not involve thoughts creating reality. The story is likely to involve some irrational belief system to which I adhere unknowingly. But I will believe the story.

Except for once in my life, I am aware of what my mind does. I can actually choose detachment or ambivalence. I don't have to believe anything. Letting go to this extent is going beyond some of my former boundaries. My only chance of ever having an original thought or experiencing freedom of thought is to buck the ancient and modern programming in every way I can. It is likely that there is no truth.

If I keep this up, I'll someday soon enjoy a sunset just because it is. Period.

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