3 pm- I wanted this. Being exhausted and in pain, I don’t ask why. I feel pain. It’s beyond reason and hence incomprehensible to the ego. Spiritually it is a humble kneeling position and gratitude for all that is. What? How could I write that?
I don’t know, it’s just what came out. Now, I must go dunk my feet in cold water, wait for the flames to go out and reflect some more.
In my spiritual study this morning, I realized how little I can count on my ego. That is related to the ability to get out of bed. Or eat/not-eat based on decisions. It’s amazing to discover how powerless I am over myself; how little will I have. I cannot rely on my ego for control. But there are times when I do accomplish a decision. These times I attribute to a cooperation with some inner power stronger than my ego: my soul. This multi-day is an experience of cooperation with my soul. No other way could I arise at 3 during vacation and spend so long in the heat. My ego fails at actually doing things; though it dreams magnificently.
4:30 pm – Post eating, sleeping and iced foot bath, the dream of endless running returns. The impossible dream, to remain unfulfilled. Is it some defect of character? What is its meaning? Approval? Validation? Would I finally be good enough? Personally, I don’t think it’s a character defect. I think it’s the feeling of my soul. I think it is the feeling of an eternal love, which I express by endless running.
Well, near the dawn hours this morning, I could connect with the presence of spiritual power around me. It wasn’t the Himalayas, or a beach at sunset or a primordial forest. It was a quiet suburban street in Missouri. This feeling of presence is why I have the dream of endless running.
After about 8, some dog walkers came out and other runners. People are starting to know me. They say hi and make me laugh with some joke. One runner noticed me take a gel, and this was the second time he passed me, he asked how long I was going to be out there. Another man who is always weed eating holds up fingers for how many times I have passed him.
Today, I felt better than yesterday and decided to run another lap. However, on the far side of the lap, I realized I didn’t have enough drink left (I really start guzzling as the day heats up). I decided to chance refilling my pak in a fountain. I haven’t got sick yet!
Now, my feet and legs feel good. I have no injuries, but as you might guess, things do hurt a bit after 27 miles. The hills and heat zap me. But I keep thinking: maybe I could run around the sanctuary a little tomorrow. I could sleep a little later since it is supposed to be a little cooler.
Wonder what will happen tomorrow?