The Love of God - Juice Fast Day 4

To blog or not to blog. I am low on caffeine, so my mind is very quiet.

Today's ACIM workbook lesson: "I am sustained by the Love of God." The explanation of the lesson encourages us to put all our faith in God, not idols or trivial and insane replacements for the love of God (overeating, TV, money, problems, decorating our bodies, ego pride practices, etc.).

The lesson encourages me to remember the phrase as often as possible. To which I add my desire: I don't want the words to be an empty effort. I want my heart to open and the Love of God to be real.

This lesson works well with my juice fast which is now on day 4. [Once again I repeat: when I juice fast, I get more nutrition that I do when eating whole food because it is concentrated without the fiber. Juice fasting is a powerful health restorative.] On a juice fast, I lose all my little daily props which get me through the day because they are partial anaesthetics. I have none of my mind numbing techniques which help me avoid facing God. Do I believe in God? Do I believe God is love? What is love? Do I want God to love me? Do I think God pretty much doesn't know I exist? This is the desert. Jesus is walking with me.

Today, part of my focus is to touch the inner place where God is, and project that out, seeing that everything is His Presence.

I started this fast thinking that I wanted to detox and rely on God more. I'm going to be 50 on January 12, time for a new outlook on life. I want to find new, "enlightened" ways of being. Last night, I asked Jesus, "Why really am I doing this? In my words, not someone elses." I received these five words:

• CHANGE - new paradigms of thought and purpose
• RECEIVING - letting God do everything
• PEACE - fasting ends the inner fights and wars. Also, today is day 4 of my fast and day 4 of Isreal attacking Gaza.
• LOVE - That is being love. The last thing most people would think of to do to increase love would be fasting; but somehow, I think love is what Jesus found in the desert.
• TRUST, FAITH - How foolish does fasting appear to be, but God uses it as an environment for greater reliance on Him.

Today I got up at 3, my usual time for spiritual study and meditation. I went for a run at 4:30. Then I went to WalMart for 4 pears and 2 yams and distilled water. I found a juice recipie for joggers which I will make later (2 pears, 1 yam and 4 oranges).

Now I am at work and drinking distilled water.

A Course in Miracles

When you pick up The Course, decide to take it seriously, and devote your energy and effort to learning, then you enter a very intimate and personal relationship with Jesus which is like no other. It is prolonged; even a sample of eternal living. Jesus helps you examine yourself and change your perception in ways you never dreamed possible.

This evening, I meditated briefly on my lesson for today (God is the strength in which I trust), and discovered this huge gaping hole in my psyche. How little I trust and rely on God! I looked at my retirement plan, the locks on my doors, my careful dietary plan, all the little games I play with people to ensure that they not only approve of me but that they don't cheat me. Religion itself is one big spiritual insurance policy, based on the idea that God could punish us. I can't just stop my lack of trust, but as I take my inventory, I offer what I find to Jesus. Then it is in his hands and I can cease to worry about it.

I must trust and rely on God. None but a Higher Power can restore me to sanity.

Juice Fasting Disclaimer

I feel compelled to mention, because I am aware of ignorant doubters, that when I juice fast, my body actually gets supercharged with nutrients and is in a condition to better absorb what it needs, without having to digest anything. So...I am not starving! Juice fasting is a skill and an artform; you don't just quit eating and expect to accomplish anything.

Also, the main difficulty is the mental obcession with eating. Working with this contemplatively is part of the gift of fasting.

I will share my journey; its ups and downs.

Remembering God

One of the reasons I maintain a contemplative life is for the purpose of remembering God. I need to give time to Silence. It is important. I seem to want this more than many people who are mainly busy; so my conscious contact does remember God for everyone. If you ask me to pray for you, what you get is me remembering God for you.

From ACIM:

• There is no pain, no trial, no fear that teaching this (Atonement, release from guilt) can fail to overcome. The power of God Himself supports this teaching, and guarantees its limitless results.
• For peace is the acknowledgement of perfect purity (innocence), from which no one is excluded.
• The power of God draws everyone to its safe embrace of love and union.
• Teach peace with me (Jesus), and stand with me on holy ground. Remember for everyone your Father's power...

In my silence, I contemplate the power of God within. The power of God is within everyone, and as I sit in silence, I remember it for each one who may have forgot. This is my gift to the ego world.

Today, I got up at 5 am; and it was raining. I flipped on the computer and looked at the radar. Freezing rain was very close. So, I moved my car from the garage up to the street; and went back to bed. No trips to the city this morning. When I got up again at 8, I looked out on ice encrusted trees.

Today I think I am beginning a 7 day juice fast for the purpose of cleansing body, mind and spirit. A juice fast is a gift to me. Giving myself a vacation from eating is a gift. I considered my feelings about a juice fast in relation to the power of God. My main fear of a juice fast is that I will cheat and not finish it; hence feeling guilty and ashamed. Looking at this fear, I understand why I would hesitate. ACIM will teach me that it is an ego fear, designed to stop me; and not a Holy Spirit creation. The power of God is limitless. Do I believe it? Do I believe the power of God would support me in giving myself a gift? Do I trust that power to enable my fast, which is really a prayer opportunity?

Truly, each has to answer for themself: Do you believe in God? Do you believe that He made you good and supports your journey toward remembering? Often, we wait until we are in dire straits before asking God for help, or even remembering God in any way. Please, give God some regular time. He will take your miniscule "carving out" time for holy remembering.

May we someday realize that God is the only reality and fling ourselves upon the Divine Presence with our entire lives. It is that momentous, that audacious, that wonderful: to live in the Divine Presence AND KNOW IT.

Shalom, time to go running.

Awesome Freedom

I am wrapping up my Christmas holiday with an elated state of mind; almost as if I had just crossed the finish line of a marathon. I spent Christmas breaking the Christmas rules. I even broke the Christian rules. I did not do what you are supposed to do. As I constantly kept returning my mind to the Light, time passed and I came to a new realization. Christmas is not real. All it is is a set of ego rules. If it was real, I'm sure the Holy Spirit or Jesus would have mentioned it. But, all I see in Christmas is ego rules for what you "should" do; and if you don't follow the rules, your ego screams. My ego told me how I better be terrified if anyone finds out I broke the rules; there could be repercussions for non-believers.

So... I laughed. My ego is the tiny mad idea. As a Son of God, I remembered to laugh. I remembered to look beyond this world and use Christ vision to see only Light. I am sinless. I am not guilty. No one is guilty. All are sinless. We are in God; always safe and always at peace. Christmas is just an ego dream, an illusion; not real. Peace is real.

Pure Running

This morning I got up at 7. That is the second alarm clock free morning in a row. I must really have needed sleep. During my meditation, I heard a diesel engine out front. I knew it was the fire department, though they had drove up sans-siren. I went to the front room to look out. Yep...fire engine and ambulance. They went in the house next door. Al lives there. Al lives alone, like me. They brought him out on the gurney. He was sitting up, appeared to be awake. He still had on his security guard shirt. He is in his 70s and works as a night security guard. He must have called the ambulance himself. Some day I'll probably have to do that. It is a humbling thought.

A little later I went for a 10 mile run. I got to feel the refreshing, soul cleansing wind into my face and through my psyche. I needed that.

For reasons of conscience, I don't participate in the material world ritual of Christmas. In other words, I am a conscientious objector. I feel friction between me and other people. If I was gay, I imagine, I'd feel this friction all the time. Luckily, my friction will be over quickly.

I deeply believe in honoring my inner guidance to let the worldly pretending go; but it is such a counter-cultural practice, I don't find it easy. Most people encourage me to give up and join in. I've taken the going-along approach also; but find myself worse off emotionally than if I stay my chosen spiritual course.

I am a work in progress; but my goal is detached love. If I keep learning and following my inner guidance, I will eventually arrive at the Christ consciousness and Christ vision. I believe this strongly enough that I keep to contemplative practice even when it is unpopular; even when I feel my own shortcomings in carrying out God's benign constant love. I care a lot about loving others, but not in the usual ways; that is by participating in the physical world ritual dance.

I have to work tomorrow. I'll have to suck it up; and pretend once again.

Contemplation

Think of His Presence in you...

My Gift

The greatest gift I have to give all humanity this Christmas is to sit before The Father of Light, receive His Peace and project His Peace. Everyone will be touched in some way by His Peace.

I am in your heart and you are in mine. There is nothing greater than this Great Love which truely exists. This Reality is Heaven. The experience of it is the most magnificent thing possible.

I kneel before you and hold out His Peace.

Amen

Choosing

The rubber meets the road. Put up or shut up. Shi* or get off the pot. When push comes to shove. When Course meets world. What do we do? These times of seeming turmoil over a decision are intensive times of spiritual practice. For an ACIM Course student, they are times of: choosing the Holy Spirit instead of the ego; accepting the Atonement; forgiving; choosing happiness over guilt; choosing love over fear; etc.

From the Text: "Each day, each hour and minute, even each second, you are deciding between the crucifixion and the resurrection; between the ego and the Holy Spirit. The ego is the choice for guilt; the Holy Spirit is the choice for guiltlessness. The power of decision is all that is yours...there are no alternatives except truth and illusion."

So, what should I do? This or that? Or maybe this other? Which one would I choose because I would feel more guilty if I didn't? Which one would I choose because I am more afraid of those people's feelings than these?

Jesus and the Holy Spirit are giving me a work out on this one. I explore my guilt and fear, and give it to Jesus. What I do cannot be based on the form of illusion but the content of the Holy Spirit's teaching. "Shining quietly within is the Atonement." "My errors never occurred."

I am at work. I am drinking distilled water. I worked out this morning and will do another work out this afternoon. I practice The Course. "May I bring peace..." I choose truth: "God is everywhere and His Son is in Him with everything." My ego's dream always offers disappointment. I don't delude myself on this. What ever the ego world offers me, I have to return to The Course and use it to heal my mind, offering a different way of seeing to others, teaching only peace.

I do not choose to "do" this or that. I choose to sit quietly with Love and project peace. This or that will happen. My body may be in one place or another. Christ is my vision and my consicousness.

I am a spiritual athlete. I am always training and working out.

Guilt

Short of moving to Somalia and dying of starvation, I am guilty of materialism. My only way out is a spiritual breakthru. Since A Course in Miracles directly addresses the issue of guilt and its origin in the ego, I have a viable spiritual path.

This morning, I was studying ACIM. I refreshed something that struck me yesterday:

• For truth is true. What else could ever be, or ever was? This simple lesson holds the key to the dark door that you believe is locked forever. You made this door of nothing, and behind it is nothing. The key is only the light that shines away the shapes and forms and fears of nothing. Accept this key to freedom from the hands of Christ Who gives it to you, that you may join him in the holy task of bringing light.
• The vision of Christ is given the very instant that it is perceived. Where everything is clear, it is all holy. The quietness of its simplicity is so compelling that you will realize it is impossible to deny the simple truth. For there is nothing else. God is everywhere, and his Son is in him with everything. [bold and blue mine]

I had started out this morning feeling like I was lacking my God connection. At least I couldn't seem to find it. I talked to Jesus about this. I realized I was feeling guilty for not knowing God "good enough." The origin of guilt in ACIM is that a tiny mad idea wanted to be special, but God cannot make specialness out of pure Love, so the tiny mad idea left God and Heaven by creating this delusion we call the world. We have since felt guilty for leaving God, whom, we love and Who loves us. The world is our projected guilt. ACIM encourges me to delve into my guilt, feel its pain, give it to Jesus, accept the Holy Spirit's teaching and return to Heaven.

So this morning, I experienced my deep sense of guilt; I called it spiritual performance guilt. Rather than be jealous of other people who are illuminated, or go unconscious and deny the guilt's existence, or get mad at God for not miraculously saving me, I go deep into my mind, became aware of the guilt, and give it to Jesus.

Then, as I meditated on the Truth (God is everywhere and His Son is in Him with everything), the idea "with everything" restored my God connection. I felt my consciousness living in that place, Heaven; where all is peaceful benign light. I held all power (God) in a ball of light, with non-physical hands. I experienced this for no more than a second, but that was enough.

Yesterday, I got new tires for my car. I'm so proud of them. It will snow again tomorrow, so I am now ready. The best part of getting the tires was that an unknown man in a shiny red van gave me a ride to my fellowship meeting while my car was being worked on. He dropped me off and that is all I'll ever see of him. God in a Windstar? Could have been.

I wouldn't have it any other way

Today I pursued one of my dreams: I ran north in a snow storm into a 20 mph north wind, at 19 degrees F. After coming home, I lifted weights and did abdominals. I am up to 2 pounds on my right tricep. I removed 20 pounds from my bar bell and lifted a mere 10 pounds (plus the bar). Only an athlete would keep lifting these puny weights knowing that in a few days, I'll move on up. I have the spirit of an athlete and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is this spirit which gets up early enough every day to study spiritual materials and meditate with Jesus.

I honor my soul. When I receive an intuition, I honor it. Because I habitually follow my innermost intuition, my soul opens more and more. I delve deeper into Its secrets and Its love. My soul's deepest yearnings can be realized now; not the next life. There are days when I know I am no longer seeking God; I seem to have found The Connection. My soul demands commitment and honesty, purity and desire for It alone. I love my inner most being; The Connection. I live in conscious contact with God; and I wouldn't have it any other way.

As I ran into the north wind, I sought inside for Who I Am. The Great Spirit Wind blows from the inside. I am One with It when I want to be; whenever I am willing to set my puny self aside and run into The Wind. I became the Wind; and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Still runn'n...runn'n against the wind...(Bob Seeger)

The Call

This morning I was reading a beautiful part of the Course in Miracles Text. It caused me to stop and contemplate:

• The Communication Link that God Himself placed within you, joining your mind with His, cannot be broken.
• His Voice will be heard.
• ...His peace still flows to you from Him.

Reading such words, my mind began to grasp and reach for the inner divine reality. When I stop to contemplate, I turn inward and allow The Communication Link to open, allow His Voice to whisper through, and allow His peace to flow more. I allow and I know. Knowing is a little different than perceiving. There are no wild feelings. In fact, peace is very still, like a quiet pool of water. Peace is pure existence and nothing else. I have no objectives. I have no requests. I merely allow. That quiet listening is how I pray.

Snow, Running and Love

From the ACIM text:

• The Son of God (meaning each of us and all of us collectively) believes that he is lost in guilt, alone in a dark world where pain is pressing everywhere upon him from without. When he has looked within and seen the radiance there, he will remember how much his Father loves him.
• In shining peace within you is the perfect purity in which you were created. Fear not to look upon the lovely truth in you. Look through the cloud of guilt that dims your vision, and look past darkness to the holy place where you will see the light. The altar to your Father is as pure as He Who raised it to Himself. Nothing can keep you from what Christ would have you see.
• Release guilt as you would be released. There is no other way to look within and see the light of love, shining as steadily and as surely as God Himself has always loved His Son (us).

These passages are examples of the utterly awesome expression of:

1. how beautiful humans are on the inside,
2. how a God of Love must see us as only love,
3. how all we could possibly be is love,
4. and what we do is look beyond the physical illusion to see only the shining light of Christ.

Finally, I am being taught that I (and everyone) am a good thing: light and love. I am being taught what to do about my resentments toward others and my felt guilt resulting from condemning others. I am learning how to stop judging and condemning others. Wow! Wow! Wow!

Do I want the better way? Yes! Now, I have alot of contemplative work to do.

Yesterday, I got the stitches out of my arm. I didn't even see the doctor and I have no follow up visits. The saga of my arm is over. I'll have to let go of the drama.

This morning, I got up at 3:05 with the alarm. I looked out and saw no snow. I pondered. At 4:20, I went out for my run. It was a desperate last ditch effort to get in a run before mother nature makes the streets too slippery for running (and I am confined to the treadmill). I was cheating God by running before He could stop me. I will cheat God by running on the treadmill despite the weather. You see? Human ego life is about cheating God; because we think He is against us. All of my life is about self protection; seeking to satisfy myself and do what I want.

If God is Love, He cannot possibly be against us. God, Who is Love, does not even see my ego world with all its pain and self protective measures. He only sees Love, in me and everywhere. Anything other than love is my ego deluded world. I have to face that truth. The world I see is my ego deluded world. ACIM teaches me to see only with holiness as my vision; not my physical eyes. When I use holiness as my vision, I see Love, light, Divine Union, Peace. Do I want it? Yes. Will I do the work? Yes. I truely don't want to finish my life with cheating God as my only modus operandi.

As I was out running, it started to snow. As I finished my run, I was in that peaceful silent world where a blanket of white envelops and soothes. Gently and peacefully, the snow flakes fall and transform everything into quiet whiteness, peace.

A word about death. Some people are shocked when I mention it. I claim that I meditate and bring out the awareness which is denied by the unconscious people. The Rule of Benedict says, "...keep death daily before your eyes..." (#47 of the Tools for Good Works). Buddhists meditate on death. My introspective musings are the natural outcome of meditation. That said, all my pain pills got flushed down the toilet last Saturday (with witnesses). I am committed to finishing my life's journey; whatever that means.

Don't forget, less than a month to prepare, Spirit Flower will be 50 on January 12th, 2009. You are invited to her e-bash, right here on this blog. I can't make any promises for doing anything great for 2009 to celebrate; except I am going to apply for a passport in case I need to go to Canada.

Life as an Athlete

What a privilege it is to be a runner; and to have the spirit of an athlete.

This morning I got up at 4:30 and did an hours worth of spiritual work. Then I jumped in the car and drove 45 miles to the park in the city and was running by 6:30. It was warm, 59F, with a 20 to 40 mile an hour south wind. I ran 6 laps, 16.2 miles, 2:47 time. Then, I changed clothes in the car and went to a 10 o'clock fellowship meeting. At 11 o'clock, coming out of the meeting, it was 33F with a north wind. By the time I got home, 45 miles north, it was 25F. Maybe we will get freezing rain or snow later. The low over night is supposed to be 10F. Brrrrr!

After the meeting, someone asked me what I think about while running for 3 hours. I do think. It is a little unusual to spend 3 hours thinking; as opposed to relating or watching TV. Today, I thought a lot about what races I want to go in next year. I thought about the other people and their dogs. I thought about the integrity of the athlete. You see, having the heart of an athlete extends past the actual running training into all of life. In particular, I do my spiritual work as if I was a world class spiritual athlete. In fact, I think the spirituality is more important than the running. I assume that when I get to the end of my life, it will be an experience greater than finishing an ultra-marathon. [The last ultra I finished, I cried out, "Alleluia" as I saw the finish.] So I train for this spiritual event, my death, as hard as I train for real marathons. To me it is all the same thing. The question of "Why?" always comes up during my long runs. The answer is that if you want the experience of finishing a marathon, you have to do the training.

Do I train fanatically about spirituality the same as running? Well in some ways, yes. Being intense and passionate is what is interesting to me. Many people think I am crazy: after all God is free right? I think you get out of something what you put into it. I am studying a particular spiritual tradition that has a 690 page text book. You cannot possibly have any idea what that tradition is about unless you read the text, and perhaps spend several years reading it several times. If I want what that spiritual tradition offers, I also have to do the work.

Tiger Woods is a great golfer because he practices. Payton Manning spent four years in college, instead of three, in order to take snaps (the more snaps the better chance he would have). I spend time (a couple of hours) every day on my conscious contact with God; and abdominals and running.

I'm passionate today. I feel great! Thanks for listening to my soap box.

A semi-day off

Today’s ACIM Workbook Lesson: "I have invented the world I see." The explanation is that what I see out there is my own projection. When I close my eyes, my imagination is no different in its illusive nature than the projection I see out there. It is all the same. As I ponder this teaching, my inner and my outer are the same, I have to wonder about some other way. The other way is the quiet constant light of Christ, forever resting in the Mind of God.

Running long distances is quiet constant sameness; but the thrill of racing is perhaps not. Going to work is constant sameness; but the thrill of business achievement is perhaps not. I create events in my life and distractions in order to avoid quiet constant sameness. Even in the convent, we invented distractions from Silence.

2009 is my 50th anniversary of life. Wouldn't it be cool to hire a coach and really do well in a marathon? Yeah...but like many small towners, coaches for grey haired lady marathoners are non-existent. But, I am in really good shape right now. If we don't get too much snow, I'll be ready for a spring marathon. I weighed 127 this morning (I'm 5’ 8”). I can work on maintaining that.

But underlying my racing dreams is the energy of the athlete. The athlete is always pushing at whatever level they are at. It is this energy which I want to quit corrupting and disrespecting with lapses in concentration which ruin the athletic achievement. Like, you stick to your diet and training, then feeling better, you eat a bag of cookies; then feeling worse, you hate yourself; then get back on the road. I want to honor and live my athletic energy at the elite athlete level. By athlete, I include body, mind and spirit. The greatest athletes have great focus.

My life’s dream has been to transcend through the athlete’s energy. Is this purely the ego’s dream of perfection? I think it is more like finding and living my soul. I can feel my soul now. I can be my soul now. The reason I run, work the 12 Steps of AA, and study A Course in Miracles is because I transcend through these practices. It is through these systems that I achieve my soul’s consciousness. Gosh darn, how many of us wish we could get rid of our shortcomings? Well, I can, using these methods. Little by little, my ego gets smaller and Christ gets bigger.

So I woke up at 4:30, having slept an hour longer than usual. After some spiritual work, I did a set of abdominals and then rode the bike on the back porch. Then I did another set of abdominals and a few shoulder weights. I'm still leaving my elbow alone, only a week since surgery. I was supposed to be off today, but I went to a meeting at 7:30 to see what is up. My boss did say he would cover some things for me. I got done with work by 8:30 and went running. How nice: 10 miles, 27F, sunny, no wind, hardly any cars. A bowl of kale for lunch and all is right with the world.

[ps: what amazes me about this blog is that it is the blog of an ordinary person; not a spiritual giant or anything. I dare to post even though I have no great revelation to share. Just another day in Kansas!]

Cold!

As I mentioned, I was at work at 4:45 am yesterday. I left at 5:30 pm. Today I have a reprieve. I'll go in at 11 but probably not leave until 9. This week at work is like running a multi-day long distance race.

So I slept late, until 6. Then I enjoyed a tremendous hour of prayer and meditation. Today's lesson is: "God is in everything I see because God is in my mind." What a wonder thought to allow to seep into my thoughts and allow to embrace me.

I'm going running in a minute. I feel good today (no codeine for two days). I also had a physical cleansing event so my insides feel clean. Got all that surgical chemical residue out of me. Phewww!

More than I thought I could Be

Yesterday, I was at work from 7 am to 7:30 pm. OMG...spirit flower! yes, I don't usually do such things but it was necessary. Today, I got up at 2:45; had 30 minutes of spiritual study; worked out on the back porch for 25 minutes; did my abdominals; and now I am at work at 4:45 am.

My recently doctored arm is a little sore. I don't bend it or use it much. But I am having to suck it up and do my work regardless. I am also having to put on a show for the people around me and pretend like there is nothing wrong. This is self transcendent behavior. Usually I find ways to weasel out of things; unless it is a marathon. This week at work is a marathon in disguise. As usual, I am not fast or stellar, but I am hanging in there.

Sunday

Running Mania is still lost to me. The webmaster has not replied. I still don't know why I can't get into that web page. I miss them.

Where do I start with everything else? Yesterday I had a vision. Today I felt depression. I do somewhat deserve to be raked over the coals. You should say, "Spirit Flower, it has only been three days since surgery. Of course that incision hurts if you try to bend your arm too much."

Let me go back to yesterday's vision. Early in the morning, as I drove the 30 miles to a nearby town to get my organic groceries, I heard an interview with the author of a book about Tiger Woods. His point was that he had experienced failure in his career, and decided to follow Tiger around for his 2008 season to see what he could learn from a winner. By 10 am, I suddenly had that book in my hands and I rushed home to begin reading it.

I read for a little bit and then got up to vacuum the living room. I happened to remember to check the bag and decided to change it. Within a few minutes, I had deftly installed a new bag, using only one arm. I vacuumed, and then laid back down with the book. One of the first things that struck me was an INTUITIVE vision. In the book, it talked about the crowds of people who cheer for Tiger. I suddenly had an INTUITIVE vision of angels and spirit guides and all the host of heaven surrounding me and cheering me on. My victory was that I had not ignored the thought to change my vacuum cleaner bag; instead taking action. The main thing that differentiated me from thousands of people was that I did not ignore the intuitive information. Tiger and his adoring fans had provided a symbol that my intuitive spirit had jumped all over; and which I had not ignored. The whole host of heaven loves me, cares for me and goes wild with joy every time I manage to get off the bed. That I can think like this at all is a major victory for spiritual work. I'll never be a world class golfer, or runner, or engineer; but as a spiritual practitioner, I definitely do the work of a world class mystic.

The secret of my soul's being is found in this little thing: I changed the vacuum cleaner bag.

Now today, I got up at 5, did my morning spiritual study and went to Kansas City for an 8 am mass, which I left early in order to run 5 miles before a 10 am fellowship meeting. Then, I came home and continued to read the Tiger Woods book. For whatever reason, I was thinking about the large supply of drugs I have in the house. I had a bunch of pain killers left over from last March, but still took a prescription for another bottle. I did not get the pain killers for pain or even addiction but because I think I may want to kill myself some day. Don't be alarmed. I've thought this for most of my life.

I am alive today mainly because I did not decide to kill myself. I have no reason to be alive or to kill myself; unless I believe some theological notion I read in a book that says, "I'm here learning how not to come back," or "I'm here because I know the secret and I'm helping everyone else." It is possible I'm alive because it is not up to me; but up to my inner source. I last went through this life or death decision making process last June. At that time, I concluded that my life was optional but that I had decided to make the most of it.

Now here I am reading about Tiger Woods and thinking about how I have no reason to live. I have enough drugs in the house to kill myself. I have enough running shoes in the house for about 9 months. I have enough fruits and vegetables in the house for a week. I go to work to earn a paycheck, not because of any thrilling accomplishments. Even if I was as successful as Tiger Woods, I don't think I'd want to stay alive just to either win another tournament or to get another multi-million dollar paycheck.

I sense the heavenly host surrounding me. They are holding their breath and crossing their fingers. What will be the outcome of my current introspection? I won't decide to take some old men's word for it and adopt the Church's catechism as my reason for being. I tried that already. I won't decide to get involved with service work. I tried that already too. Will I stay alive "just because," and continue to live a meaningless existence? Or will I throw my heart over the bar and continue my spiritual work?

I choose the latter: hope or faith. I might spend the next 6 weeks wondering why I am alive. It is awesome to me that I even allow myself to consider the question consciously. For now, I drank a cup of coffee and went out on the back porch to ride the exercise cycle, walk on the treadmill and then lay on the living room floor to do 150 abdominals. After that, I make some fresh juice. All seems fine. The question is shunted aside for now.

The Heavenly Host ROARS!!!!!!!!!! Cheering out the wazoo.

Running Mania

If anyone from Running Mania reads this (JoJo?), I can't get on the running mania forum or even to the home page. Are they upgrading the software?

Please send me a comment (I won't publish it).

Running

Yes, I went running today. Why not? I'm not in any pain.

I had some minor surgery on Thursday. In the recovery room, I was there with a friend. The nurse asked how my pain was. I looked at my arm, giving it its first consideration since waking up. I realized, "Son of a gun, they didn't put any novocain in that arm." Dang! I reported this to the nurse along with, "Yeah, it hurts." She gave me something in the IV. Awhile later she asked me again. I said that maybe it hurt a little less. She said she could give me some more. I said , "No, it will mess up my head. I'll just wait til I get out of here and take a Lortab." The nurse said, "I can get you one of those. In fact, I'll get you two." I said, "No, I only want one." The nurse went away to get the pill. My friend looked me in the eye and said, "You're not a drug addict, are you." It was a statement. No, I am not. I hate for anything to be messing up my body. The nurse said I must have a high threshold for pain. That may be; but it is related to my body being on a different level than all others. Today, Saturday, I haven't had any Lortabs or NSAIDs since 2 am. I went running (4 miles) and nothing hurt. This is tremendous.

What makes me like I am? Why do I try my best with whatever I have to work with? I have no greater opportunities than the majority of others; but I seem to be trying to accomplish instead of lay fallow and asleep.

I work hard at spirituality too. So many people say you don't have to work at God. Bravo if that is your path. I am not working at God; but working at ego deflation. God is free and abundant and everywhere. It is up to me to quit blocking His light. I work at letting go of my blocks. I want to have world class God consciousness. I am willing to invest all of my self into this project. Nothing compares to the "pearl of great price." Once you get even an idea of its presence in your life, you gladly sell all else for that alone. This is who I am. This is what I am.

What is a Miracle?

This morning, as I laid on a guerney awaiting arm surgery, I had a few pages of the Course in Miracles text to ponder (ch 13.VIII) "From Perception to Knowledge."

First, my lesson for today is: "I do not know what anything is" (#25). The reason is because my perception is based totally on ego goals, which are meaningless. The lesson is a start on giving up the goals I have established for everything. I mean everything. If I look honestly at the things in my life and my little plans, I see they are all for my interests. But, if we are one with God, we have no personal interests. All my ego's goals have nothing to do with my best interests because I am not an ego. I am light; we all are. So as I looked around at the I.V., the hospital equipment, my body, I was practicing the lesson: I do not know what this arm is for.

Then I was doing my lectio divina (spiritual reading) on the ACIM Text:

• Every miracle you offer to the Son of God is but the true perception of one aspect of the whole.
• When you have seen your brothers as yourself you will be released to knowledge [of the real world]...

Now, the text is about 690 pages and I have read it 4 times. But here clearly, I finally have a definition of what it means to participate in a miracle. My job is to perceive beyond the world I see to the knowledge of what my brothers really are, use a different kind of vision, Christ vision.

A miracle is NOT that I cured your illness, but that I gave you the gift of seeing you as the light that you really are. I stopped to ponder what I was reading, to chew on it and swallow it, making it a part of my being, allowing it to wash me and heal me; to shut my eyes and fall into the embrace of Love which surrounds us and fills the entire world. The world I see with human eyes is an illusion. We really are the Knowledge of God, forever light, forever one with God. We are in Him. We are Him. To use the Christ vision, which waits quietly in all of us, we need to give up all our ego goals and value Christ above all. All our judgement must be discontinued.

I felt the subtle joy of Love teaching me and responding to my call for help. Healing is the healing of my judgmental perception. Jesus says to be content with this. As I do the healing process, I pass it on to my brothers.

Surgery went well. The hotel has plenty of coffee and popcorn.

Desert Silence

http://elenatabachnick.com/seeking/Monatery_for_People_of_No_Particular_Tradition.html

I stole this picture from a web page called "Monastery for People of No Particular Tradition" (or something like that). I picture my self as a solitary monk sitting at the edge of the "courtyard," forever contemplating the presence of Love, which exists everywhere.

When I lived in a real monastery, I learned about how monastics do not go on trips in the country side but journey inward toward the heart of God. This journey is the one I take whenever I am in solitude.

Recently, however, I've had to break my arm to get a few days away from "it all." Speaking of my arm, I am having a little more sculpting done on it on Thursday. Unfortunately, the timing is very bad and I will have to be at work next week. I guess I'll be on drugs while I sit in my office and help the people who are coming to see me.

I had a breakthru today: I suddenly realized today, at a much deeper level, how guilty I have felt for not pleasing others or being approved of. Of course I have heard many times, “What others think of me is none of my business.” Logically, I agree; but in my ego, I did everything to please others. I haven’t let go because I didn’t really understand how deeply ingrained “seeking approval” is in me. I become terrified of people whose plans for me appear to hem me in. What a deep dogma? What incredible social programming? My behavior pattern is so intent on hiding who I really am because I feel guilty for not-going-along. Today, I am more free than I have ever been! This experience is true self transcendence. It came from serious spiritual work coupled with a willingness to just open the door to Grace.

I stand strong in my spiritual decisions and the direction of my journey. I am learning to look beyond the physical in order to see only the spiritual. Some day, when I have learned the technique, seeing you only as spirit will be the greatest gift I have to give.