Reflecting on Ego

Yesterday, I complained about church. This type of expression is actually my ego attacking other sons of God, the Sonship.

Last night, after sleeping two hours, I woke up and was awake for an hour. I couldn't figure out why last night. I was playing in my head a song from church about the God beyond all names. It is a haunting melody with a refrain that goes, "in our living and our dying we are bringing you to birth." Last night, this bothered me because I don't agree with the theology of the statement.

This morning, as I did my spiritual reading and prayer, I was challenged to look directly at my church experience and try to find my own hatred and underlying fears. I had chosen to hate the service instead of love the Sonship. I chose and decided on judgment instead of thinking only love. Hate was predominant in my mind instead of love; by my choice.

Ok, hate was concealing love; but really, under hate is fear. What was I afraid of? What if I had loved instead of hated? I stopped thinking and waited, listening for the Holy Spirit to answer: I consistently chose hate because I am afraid to give up the original source of my hate, my first hate, the first decision to hate because I was afraid of God. I was afraid of God because I felt guilty. I thought I had shattered Heaven and made God angry.

Somehow, there was a tiny mad idea in the Mind of God. I, the Unified Sonship (before separation), somehow wanted what the tiny mad idea offered (specialness, autonomy from God) and I tried to "remember not to laugh." One day, I remembered not to laugh and joined the tiny mad idea. This shattered the unity and I became fragmented into all these little pieces of individual minds. God immediately re-unified, but somehow, my consciousness remained in a dream illusion world; afraid of God and hating. But God/Love would never not forgive. Love always loves; that truth is what I try to dissociate from.

I am ready now to look at my original decision to be afraid of God. I offer it to the Holy Spirit for healing. If I choose love, I cannot hate. Love is scary because I loose my specialness. In church, I am just one of thousands of communicants. Being one of many makes my ego feel like part of a cattle drive or a slave covered in the muck of a pig pen. My ego is not special and hates it. I am afraid of being seen as "one-of-them." In order to feel special, I attack the situation with my judgment. This consciousness is my vendetta against God. It is what conceals love and it is my decision.

I have to give up my vendetta against God; but sense how desperately my ego, the tiny mad idea, does not want to give up. My willingness to surrender, give up, is my acceptance of the Atonement (Redemption) that Jesus offers. Jesus will awaken me to Love.

I am responsible.

Silence and Love

In the Rule of Benedict, it says, "...there are times when good words are to be left unsaid out of esteem for silence...so important is silence...the disciple is to be silent and listen."

I have been quiet here for only a couple of days. I sometimes think that any words I say are my ego talking. I am not talking about arrogance or pride; but the tiny mad idea that wanted God to treat it special. Since God doesn't treat anyone special, the tiny mad idea left God and created this ego world. The tiny mad idea got the power to do this because one day, the Son of God (all of us before we separated from God) remembered not to laugh at it. Pay attention, remembering not to laugh is different than forgetting to laugh. The tiny mad idea is symbolized by the serpent in the garden of Eden. But the ending of the story is not that God kicked us out of heaven; but that having attained an ego consciousness, we left heaven seeking the specialness not of God. The tiny mad idea became afraid of God and hid itself in this ego world.

I really should be quiet. None of this opinion is worth a hill of beans.

From ACIM:

• ...accept only loving thoughts...
• ...raise love to clear-cut unequivocal predominance...
• ...fear's only purpose...to conceal love..

This morning, I got up at 4, did my prayer and meditation, got in the car at 5:30 to drive to the city, began a 3 hour run at 6:30, changed clothes in the car and tried to decide what to do. Instead of going to the fellowship, I went to Mass.

I have no idea why I ever go to the parish for Mass. I like the music, but the sermons seem to always be about money or politics. Today, after listening to a really long pre-Mass plea for money, I really considered leaving. I looked around for my God-mother; but low and behold, right behind me was someone else I knew. Now I was stuck. I suffered through a bunch of other time wasters like sending the kids out, sending the catechumins out, baptisms and a sermon on stewardship before I remembered that I had a card in my pocket with the above ACIM stuff written on it. I pulled it out and remembered to accept only loving thoughts.

I remembered that love was being concealed in my mind right before my eyes. "Right before my eyes" means literally, love was concealed in my mind, not out there. It is possible that the only reason I went to church was to see what my ego would say about it so that I could talk to Jesus and do something different with my mind. I was saved from continuing to be unconscious of my practice of concealing love from myself and everyone else.

After that, I shut my eyes and envisioned light. Light is all there really is. Light is love and light is Heaven and light is peace. Light is my responsibility.

Fear is the tiny mad idea. It works furiously to conceal love; and for the most part we let it, becoming unconscious of the whole process. We can instead remember to laugh. We can instead remember to deny power to the tiny mad idea, remember all power is of God, and remember this for everyone around us. "Thus does the Holy Spirit replace fear with love..." Laughing at the tiny mad idea is done consciously when I accept only loving thoughts.

Accepting only loving thoughts means I am no longer in a fight with God for specialness; and in silence, I slip back into Heaven.

Living Metaphysically, Accepting Love

From A Course in Miracles (ACIM):

• Do I want the problem or do I want the answer?
• …ask and you will receive.
• …you believe asking is taking…
• Ask to learn of the reality of your brother (Christ, Love), because this is what you will perceive in him, and you will see your beauty reflected in his.

This morning, as I reflected on the above, I started by asking Jesus what should I ask for. I felt anger at Jesus. I poured out my stuff. Then, I began to ask for what the ACIM Text (in several places) suggested I might ask for. I knew I was just parroting what the Text said to ask for; it wasn’t really from the depth of my being. I parroted because maybe that would keep me safe and I would “get” what was promised; even though I didn’t really want it or believe in it. Then, I pondered the world of takers and how I also am a taker. I pondered how I believe I need to take to survive and, living in fear, I hate “them” who take from me causing me to take from “them.” I prayed some more to Jesus. I wanted to get in touch with my fear of God. I began to list out my special hate relationships: specific people, groups of people. Eventually, the realization hit me: God is my Source; but I hate God because I believe I have to take from God in order to stay alive. Wow…wow…wow!

Now I could ask Jesus for help with something from my heart: I want to know my Source is pure love freely given and I want to freely love both back to Source and outward.

I did not yet know who the next president of the US is. I don’t myself vote. I hadn’t listened to the news last night. But, my time for prayer was over and it was time to turn on NPR and get the news. I turned on the radio and out came a symphony. For some reason, KCUR was not on the air. I listened to the symphony and started to chuckle. The Holy Spirit was helping me. I wasn’t quite ready for the news.

As I listened, I realized that “the real world of God/Source” is this symphony. I appreciated the symphony. The symphony is always there, but we cover it over and dissociate from it. The symphony is God’s reality, Heaven, not the ego world I normally experience. I can live in the symphonic reality, which is my ever present Source of Love, freely given because I/we are loved. I went to the bathroom and took a huge dump. All my crap came out.

Then, suddenly KCUR came on the air introducing the next president and immediately fed in Barak Obama’s acceptance. I got chills. I got tears. I said, “Praise the Lord. The era of the old white man is over.” “The old white man” is a symbol. For me, “the old white man” was my terrible father who hated women, the oppressor, the taker, MY EGO'S god. This era being over symbolized the healing of my hate and my acceptance of Love, God, Heaven.

Since I don’t vote, I realized that it was my brother who had thrown out the old white man. This morning, I had asked to know my brother. The prayer was immediately answered by my brother electing Obama, a symbol of unity and love. Within every brother is Source and Love. Within me is Source and Love. My brother had clearly shown me who he was. I had trusted my brother to show me who he was. We are one and this has been shown.

This reflection is how I live metaphysically: I take my own inventory of fear and hate. I give the hate and fear to Jesus. Then I honestly pray for the true. Then I am healed and everyone else is healed.

This is an old picture that someone put on a forum I participate in. It is of a muslim groom and a christian bride in Beirut, 1983.

For me: The bride is my soul, the beautiful little spirit that I truly am. The groom is my Inner Higher Love, who comes to help me and guide me to Heaven. The destruction of war is what my ego does each and every day.

Psalm 39:

• ...like a moth you (God) eat away all that is dear to us (our egos); truly everyone is but a puff of wind (our bodies are illusions).
• We walk about like a shadow, and in vain (egotism) we are in turmoil (fear)...
• ...my hope is in you (not this world of ego delusion)...

ACIM: "You do not know the meaning of anything you perceive. Not one thought you hold is wholly true. The recognition of this is your firm beginning. You are not misguided; you have accepted no guide at all. Instruction in perception is your great need, for you understand nothing. Recognize this but do not accept it, for understanding is your inheritance. Perceptions are learned, and you are not without a Teacher. Yet your willingness to learn of Him depends on your willingness to question everything you learned of yourself, for you who learned amiss should not be your own teacher."

Yesterday, alot happened at work. Our company is coming down to the wire on a project, and I am in the position of pushing other managers to show "actual" results. Some of our equipment is broken so we are not in environmental compliance. My boss is working on getting an old guy to retire and bless me with doing only environmental work for all our plants (this is a good thing) except maybe I have a job interview at another company.

As I sat at home last night, humility crossed my mind. Then this morning, Psalm 39 and the above portion of the ACIM text helped ground me in humility. I also pondered that picture and felt more humility. I (my ego) destroy peace everyday. Yet, Inner Higher Love will come to be my Teacher every day and lead me to Heaven.

I admit that I do not understand the world. My desire is to listen to my Teacher. I surrender. On the one hand, I try to realize that I am not a body. On the other hand, I fast and detox in order to vibrate at higher levels, to better hear my Teacher.

I live in this little town.

I work at this crummy little company.

I have these physical and emotional defects.

I seek God.

I run.

Silent JOY is the ground of my being. It rests quietly under the raging ego. I can be JOY anytime I remember. I can remember.

Discovering Source

From Dante’s Inferno:

…weigh with good understanding what lies hidden…

I read through the poet’s Canto once. A couple of thoughts touch me, yet mostly it is mush. I read the interpreter’s explanations and think, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” I realize that it is much easier for me to read the interpreter than the poet. I think, “Why bother reading the poet who is the source? Why not just read the interpreter?” I pause. I think. I shut my eyes and listen for the Spirit. I listen for Jesus. I listen for my companions.

It took me more than one reading to even see the line I quoted above; where the poet encourages me to find his hidden meanings.

That a source text is mush after one reading is not a new phenomenon. The Bible is mush the first time you try to read it. A Course in Miracles (ACIM) is mush the first time you read it. Heidegger’s “Being and Time” is mush the first time you read it. The Rule of Benedict is another example of source material which is ignored by many in favor of clever explanations written by revered monks. Spiritual texts are always mush the first time you read them. You can do like most people: skip the source text and just read other people’s opinions which have been dumbed down. When you accept other people’s opinions as your meaning, you are accepting a second hand experience of a source. Instead, you can apply yourself to the text and try, working together with your Inner Being, to see what it is saying to you; try to listen and learn. Try to think. What is this saying to me today?

Dante’s references to Italian history and Greek mythology don’t mean anything to me. Even so, if I slowly read the text several times, pausing frequently to think, deeper and deeper thoughts occur to me. Doors open. My heart is touched. The frame work of the poet’s journey becomes clear and I see how it is so similar to my own spiritual journey. I integrate the poet into my previous learning so that he becomes part of the fabric of my existance. The poet’s experience becomes my first hand experience. I enter into authentic experience versus someone else’s experience.

I realize I need to do the same in depth thinking about my own life as I do to understand Dante or the Bible or A Course in Miracles or Heidegger or any spiritual source material. I have a richness about me which is revealed in deeper thinking about my life; its physical, mental and spiritual nuances.

If you reading this are a teacher, I say to you: teach your students how to read and think. Don’t just tell them what things are supposed to mean. How to understand is the only thing a teacher should ever teach.

I am trying to learn to love pure water above all else. Who likes pure water better than flavored drinks? Who likes pure water without any caffeine thrill? I am trying to love pure water. I drink the pure water and listen to my thoughts and feelings. I listen to my cravings. Then, in an act of sheer determination, I drink a little more water. I want to know Pure Spirit as well. I want Pure Christ Consciousness to be the one thing I love and prefer above all else. And so I sit in silence and try to drink the Pure Spirit and the Pure Christ.

Joy and Chores

I thought again this afternoon how a person needs to be able to hear from their own insides what the Spirit is saying to them. This opinion means that you have to take a break from other people’s books and elder masters and just listen. To some extent, you have to leave “community” because you need to see what solitary listening is. Even sacred scripture and homilies and mother’s advice must be laid aside; so you can hear the love present in your own heart. For me, working on my own is something of the ultimate dogmatic challenge. The years of Roman Catholic hierarchy programmed me for believing the Church knew better than me. The years of Benedictine monastic life programmed me to believe I should be obedient to my superiors even if they were wrong; and that monks in community were the best kind of monks. The years of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) may have been helpful in that the Text claims the Holy Spirit and Jesus as Teacher and Guide; or harmful in that many ACIM teachers insist that you need a teacher. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they talk about having a sponsor, which I did for about the first 10 years. But now I have 23 years of sobriety; I don’t know anyone who knows more about the art of living sober than I do.

I risk sitting alone with my ego. I risk failure at the one area of life that interests me: God consciousness. I will take all I’ve learned in distance running, sobriety, monasticism, Catholicism, ACIM, engineering, fasting, contemplation and relationships; and let it integrate.

The result of integration is joy. I not only am certain of this, and completely know it, I trust my heart and my faith. I have completed every prayer possible except the one of my beating heart, my breathing lungs, my running footfall. Joy is my work. Joy is my practice. These prayers are my joy. Joy is my prayer. Not asking for it but living it, every moment. My joy is God’s joy. There is nothing else.

On a lighter note, I ran 16.2 miles this morning. I was industrious with my chores this afternoon. It is a sunny warm day and I completed the outside ladder work needed before winter. I am now ready for my right arm to be destroyed by surgery once again. I swept up another million “crop” bugs.

Spiritual Tools and Gratitude

I wanted to express additional gratitude to God.

My life is focused on the spiritual. So few actually want "seeking God" to be the main theme of their life. How grateful I am. How happy I am. I have been given a wonderful spiritual tool kit...and the willingness to use it.

Some tools are obviously spiritual: contemplation, lectio divina and worship.

Other tools are adjunct, but in my opinion necessary: fasting, raw food diet, colon cleansing, spirulina and chlorella, juicing, filtered water, sobriety, exercise.

So many of us bemoan our pocket books or envy the other people. I am rich with health and spiritual connection, Christ consciousness. Yet most people would not want to use my tool kit. Most people would not trade their bar-b-q for my colonic irrigation. Most people would not want to trade an hour of TV for an hour of contemplative prayer.

I am happy and grateful for the wealth of willingness. I don't yet know how I unlocked my spirit initially, but all of my practice since then has only opened the door wider and wider. I say again, how grateful I am.