Do I really want to know God? Or am I just responding to bait?
Before my eyes have been dangled various forms of spiritual bait: enlightenment, personal relationship with Christ, spouse of Jesus, monastic profession, sacrament, soul, real self, higher self. this morning, I was stuck on "true self." I want to know my true self, my essence, the ground of my being, that higher consciousness, the idea that God had when I was created. And all along, there is some belief that this higher self will be a better happier richer me than the one I know right now.
Is it possible that I just am who I am? What if there is no old man and new man, no false self and true self? Maybe I should say I am myself and I will hold myself to my standards. I don't have a higher me.
To stop at this self contradicts decades of yearning, searching and praying on my part. If I stop at this self, do I logically say there is no spirit or God?
I am a contradiction. Moving to Seabrook, I find I am both sea and brook. Using Rocksolidrelo (Prudential) I am both rock solid but relocating. I run hills, bridges, treadmills. I am getting to know NASA boulevard.
In the airplane today I saw an awesome view of clouds. Think about a pilot who spends all day above the clouds. Most of the time, his reality is above the clouds; different from mine. Today I go to see the pilot's reality. So, there are other realities which I can also see if I put on the right filter.
I believe I have an essence. I no longer believe I need God to enlighten me. I believe I need to sift away my junk beliefs. Then, I'll see clearly. My concept of God could indeed be one of those junk beliefs.
Today I started re-reading Shalimar the Clown, by Salmon Rushdie. This is the third time I've read it. Some of his prose is incredibly beautiful. Now that I know the rest of the story, the first chapter or so is very interesting. and, compated to Satanic Verses, I think the prose is much more sophisticated, but also I can remember the two books side by side and get a bigger philosophical picture.