I always wanted to "be somebody."
Steven Covey drilled it into my young mind: I should leave a legacy. We are trained to be achievers. Everyone aspires to be the boss.
The nuns get to be Sister Somebody, holy and validated. I really wanted to be a mystic and thought you had to be a monk. I got kicked out of the monastery and told to be a monk in the world. As such the struggles of the workplace have become part of my contemplation.
This is my problem. In my life right now, I am an athlete, an engineer and a solitary spiritualist. Which one of these things is going to be amazing?
This is specialness at it's finest: the one thing I want is to be special. Especially because it makes me better than everyone else.
I have no high powered theology or "spin" to make this all better. It is just as well I admit it once again: just be.
The pursuit of inner peace, mental quiet, as the goal of my life, the highest achievement available to me produces a painful agony and unendurable hopelessness in some portion of my emotional system. The goal of peace instigates irrational action and insidious subterfuge on the part of the one who wants to be great. This inner angst is the emotional system I face every day.
No wonder I spend half the time thinking I'm a worthless piece of crap and the a moment later, I am nurtured in the mental quiet and at peace with my being. I have not found an escape route. I want to break the pattern of my thinking. That's the thing. In solitude, and if practiced intentionally, you see your thoughts. You become aware of what is going on in your head. The negativity is amazing. But I can choose. Its a matter of remembering not to believe the lies.
I wrote the above last evening. This morning, I found myself filled with the quiet determination to connect with my soul. See, when I get quiet and listen to the silent voice within, all is well.