I ran my 10 mile run along the levy. It is pretty warm, 33F, but snowing. Very delightful weather.
I got back to my car and turned on NPR. Unexpectedly out came Bob Dillon, "How Does It Feel." I suddenly felt triumphant and completely free. I even raised my fist in the air. I like being a complete unknown. Hearing this song, everything was well with me. The "people drinkn', thinkn' they got it made" don't know anything about this joyous heaven I have found. The precious gifts we exchange are nothing but cheap baubles and we don't even know it until we stop and wake up. I am awake! I am happy with my spiritual place; with the spirituality of raw veganism and with running and with being the person that I am. I am happy to be the loner. My spirit was leaping for joy.
Here is the last half of the song, the part I heard:
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're all drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all precious gifts
But you'd better take your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Vacation Saturday - Wreckless Exposition of Self
I was not ambitious this morning and did not make it out of bed until 7. It is a little snowy, so I am somewhat glad I bagged the performance driving to KC.
I am sitting here realizing that this is a day for going within and listening to Jesus, who speaks in non-words.
Looking at the internet, I realize that nothing will entertain me out there. In fact, yesterday someone criticized me on a bulletin board and my spiritual practice was to refrain from proving her wrong, using her own words. I could go to a Mass here in Atchison, but I don’t think that will entertain me either. Only the God within can satisfy me. Not reading books about the God within, but experiencing Him first hand. Truly a St Romuald day of sitting in my cell, watching my thoughts and singing the Psalms.
How I perceive what others think about my contemplation is an insane delusion fabricated out of the past and torturing me in the present. How often have I punished myself because someone made a comment about how I must be lonely or how wonderful their group experience was. How often I have been frustrated because I couldn’t explain that there is another world which is spiritual, non-physical and all love; but no one seems able to really go there with me. This failure to express convincingly is my pain. Metaphysics just don’t appeal to most people. Sometimes I feel like a flawed psychological development because I connect in a metaphysical reality; but physical realities seem meaningless.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) supports the metaphysical reality as real and God Love; and the ego world is meaningless. I have not progressed in my learning enough to be comfortable with this and be able to consistently use Christ vision to look beyond the physical illusion to the Christ in all others. It would be worth it as my lifetime project to accept Christ’s presence within me in this total way and look only at Christ in others. So, that is why I do what I do and follow the instructions of ACIM so relentlessly. I have searched several religions and find the ACIM teaching to hold the greatest potential for success in overcoming illusion and being the Christ consciousness, nothing else.
As I write this, I fear publishing it. I know some people think ACIM is diabolical and that Catholicism is best, or Buddhism is best, or some other way is best. I am consciously facing my fear right now and giving it to the light of the Holy Spirit for healing. My pain can be healed and this is good for everyone. I face my painful and frightening delusions. I recognize my insanity: my perceptions of others cannot be the God Love reality. However, looking inward, under the fear, is the subtle quiet of love. This inner finding is the silent light of Christ, forever within my consciousness. I avail my self of this gentle peace whenever I dismiss my ego and come quietly to the light. I can bring my pain and fear here, and it is healed.
I lose my ego conditioned life to find my true Christ life. I shamelessly follow Jesus. I believe Jesus can restore me to sanity and I humbly offer myself to Him.
Believe it or not, I am going for a run in this light precipitation. I feel the levy north of town calling me. The levy runs through barren fields this time of year, and often, that run will be accompanied by a north wind to the face. Yet, I find the barren harshness to be refreshing and cleansing. It soothes my soul. Yes, this is what I am like. I stand without my Donald Duck mask. I laugh at my ego. Running and contemplation set me free.
I am sitting here realizing that this is a day for going within and listening to Jesus, who speaks in non-words.
Looking at the internet, I realize that nothing will entertain me out there. In fact, yesterday someone criticized me on a bulletin board and my spiritual practice was to refrain from proving her wrong, using her own words. I could go to a Mass here in Atchison, but I don’t think that will entertain me either. Only the God within can satisfy me. Not reading books about the God within, but experiencing Him first hand. Truly a St Romuald day of sitting in my cell, watching my thoughts and singing the Psalms.
How I perceive what others think about my contemplation is an insane delusion fabricated out of the past and torturing me in the present. How often have I punished myself because someone made a comment about how I must be lonely or how wonderful their group experience was. How often I have been frustrated because I couldn’t explain that there is another world which is spiritual, non-physical and all love; but no one seems able to really go there with me. This failure to express convincingly is my pain. Metaphysics just don’t appeal to most people. Sometimes I feel like a flawed psychological development because I connect in a metaphysical reality; but physical realities seem meaningless.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) supports the metaphysical reality as real and God Love; and the ego world is meaningless. I have not progressed in my learning enough to be comfortable with this and be able to consistently use Christ vision to look beyond the physical illusion to the Christ in all others. It would be worth it as my lifetime project to accept Christ’s presence within me in this total way and look only at Christ in others. So, that is why I do what I do and follow the instructions of ACIM so relentlessly. I have searched several religions and find the ACIM teaching to hold the greatest potential for success in overcoming illusion and being the Christ consciousness, nothing else.
As I write this, I fear publishing it. I know some people think ACIM is diabolical and that Catholicism is best, or Buddhism is best, or some other way is best. I am consciously facing my fear right now and giving it to the light of the Holy Spirit for healing. My pain can be healed and this is good for everyone. I face my painful and frightening delusions. I recognize my insanity: my perceptions of others cannot be the God Love reality. However, looking inward, under the fear, is the subtle quiet of love. This inner finding is the silent light of Christ, forever within my consciousness. I avail my self of this gentle peace whenever I dismiss my ego and come quietly to the light. I can bring my pain and fear here, and it is healed.
I lose my ego conditioned life to find my true Christ life. I shamelessly follow Jesus. I believe Jesus can restore me to sanity and I humbly offer myself to Him.
Believe it or not, I am going for a run in this light precipitation. I feel the levy north of town calling me. The levy runs through barren fields this time of year, and often, that run will be accompanied by a north wind to the face. Yet, I find the barren harshness to be refreshing and cleansing. It soothes my soul. Yes, this is what I am like. I stand without my Donald Duck mask. I laugh at my ego. Running and contemplation set me free.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Vacation Thursday - St Romuald
This morning I ran 19 miles. I didn't see God. I saw 9 deer. I saw 3 hunters. Saturday begins rifle season here in Kansas. I haven't talked to anybody today. I've thought the name of Jesus alot; just stopping whatever I was doing and closing my eyes to say the name. I have no expectations. While I was out running, I asked Jesus for a real thought. I talked to Jesus about the pain of the collective human mind. I asked Jesus who he was to me; I mean aside from any book, if he is alive, who is he to me right now?
Sit in your cell as in paradise;
The path you follow is in the psalms -- don't leave it.
Above all realize that you are in God's presence;
Empty yourself completely;
Here is the view from Sr Priscilla's window (see Tuesday's entry). She also sits in her cell and watches her thoughts.
As a contemplative, I sit and wait. It is not that I am meditating all the time, but in solitude, I am processing all the time. This brought to mind St Romuald. If I have a rule of life, I believe it could be this one.
The "Little Rule" of St. Romuald
The "Little Rule" of St. Romuald
Sit in your cell as in paradise;
put the whole world behind you and forget it;
like a skilled angler on the lookout for a catch
keep a careful eye on your thoughts.
The path you follow is in the psalms -- don't leave it.
If you've come with a novice's enthusiasm and can't
accomplish what you want, take every chance you can find
to sing the psalms in your heart and to understand them
with your head; if your mind wanders as you read
don't give up but hurry back and try again.
Above all realize that you are in God's presence;
hold your heart there in wonder as if before your sovereign.
Empty yourself completely;
sit waiting, content with God's gift,
like a little chick tasting and eating nothing
but what its mother brings.
Reading Dune this evening, it occurred to me that I am living in a living being. I am part of a field of living energy and I am not separate. This fits with today’s ACIM workbook lesson: I am not alone in experiencing the effects of how I see. It also seems to open the door to knowing all minds are connected and all minds are Christ. Jesus is the living energy which I am a part of. Its possible for me to believe this right now. This sort of knowing comes to me if I sit and wait. I have to be paying attention. Surrounding this real thought were tons of ego thoughts. From the knowledge of oneness, it is an easy leap into Heaven.
Reading Dune this evening, it occurred to me that I am living in a living being. I am part of a field of living energy and I am not separate. This fits with today’s ACIM workbook lesson: I am not alone in experiencing the effects of how I see. It also seems to open the door to knowing all minds are connected and all minds are Christ. Jesus is the living energy which I am a part of. Its possible for me to believe this right now. This sort of knowing comes to me if I sit and wait. I have to be paying attention. Surrounding this real thought were tons of ego thoughts. From the knowledge of oneness, it is an easy leap into Heaven.
Here is the view from Sr Priscilla's window (see Tuesday's entry). She also sits in her cell and watches her thoughts.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Vacation Wednesday - Two Hands
I have been reading a book called “The Doctrine of Awakening” by Julius Evola. I was reading it instead of meditating on the ACIM Text, because its theories seemed compatible to ACIM and perhaps helpful in understanding. This morning, I read a chapter on mental discipline. As I read it, I was dreaming of writing an essay on how an alcoholic could stay away from the first drink and how any craving for chocolate or potato chips could be overcome.
Somehow, this mental thought train was brought to a halt. I thought, I need to question my motives. I said, “Jesus, I need to question my motives. You offer awakening through ACIM. I admit my normal consciousness disgusts me. I hate myself so I want to awaken. Jesus, can awakening be found on such a premise? It is my ego that hates and my ego that seeks enlightenment.”
I laid aside the Evola book and glanced at the ACIM Text: “You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent.”
And also: “…without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more… Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid… For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.”
Do I read Doctrine of Awakening as an unconscious distraction because I am afraid of Redemption, remembering the love of God? Finding the burning love of God is not in the Doctrine. It is in ACIM. I had a revelation at this point. On the one hand, I seek to escape self disgust. On the other, I seek the elevated disposition I see in the enlightened ones. Both of these hands are ego and neither will work to achieve a genuine state of being. The Doctrine of Awakening seeks a state of being “not an I.” ACIM seeks the memory of God, which includes “not an I.” But the state of “not an I” is different. The Doctrine has self discipline and an individually existent inner power which achieves the state of “not an I.” The Doctrine is not spiritually associated. The inner power is intangible (not of this world) but it is individually associated. Not everyone has it. ACIM includes mental discipline. ACIM seeks the memory of God through the leading of the Holy Spirit, a universally available Helper. The ACIM state of “not an I” means that the separation is healed, the Son of God is unified. We, as one Son of God, have leapt into Heaven and are awake in the Love of God. ACIM is equally for everyone, but maybe not everyone chooses it at the same time.
I have to make a decision, a stand. Is my intention to remember God or not? If so, the Doctrine of Awakening is a waste of time for me. I want to follow a spiritual path to remember God. I want to uncover my “intense and burning love for God and His for me.” This is a fundamental decision. It excludes me from many paths that work for others, but are not what I want. I may see another person who appears to be enlightened, but I decide not to follow them because I have decided on finding the memory of God through a particular path. My primary interest is the love of God, not enlightenment per say.
I have at this point uncovered one of my ego’s secrets. I, as an ego, pursue enlightenment for my ego. Jesus, may I pursue the altruistic motive: unification and healing of the Son of God. If I stop my ego’s motives and follow the Holy Spirit for altruistic motives, I become “not an I” but universal Self. There is no I other than ego. Either I am unified as Self (one with God), or I am an ego separate from God.
Jesus, I haven’t yet remembered or found my love for God, but I admit I am an ego. Please help me. I do obey ego thoughts which will lead me away from God. I do not have any thoughts which lead to God, except as I hear the Voice of God calling and I decide to read a spiritual text. Jesus, please help me.
Somehow, this mental thought train was brought to a halt. I thought, I need to question my motives. I said, “Jesus, I need to question my motives. You offer awakening through ACIM. I admit my normal consciousness disgusts me. I hate myself so I want to awaken. Jesus, can awakening be found on such a premise? It is my ego that hates and my ego that seeks enlightenment.”
I laid aside the Evola book and glanced at the ACIM Text: “You may wonder why it is so crucial that you look upon your hatred and realize its full extent.”
And also: “…without the ego, you would find within yourself something you fear even more… Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid… For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.”
Do I read Doctrine of Awakening as an unconscious distraction because I am afraid of Redemption, remembering the love of God? Finding the burning love of God is not in the Doctrine. It is in ACIM. I had a revelation at this point. On the one hand, I seek to escape self disgust. On the other, I seek the elevated disposition I see in the enlightened ones. Both of these hands are ego and neither will work to achieve a genuine state of being. The Doctrine of Awakening seeks a state of being “not an I.” ACIM seeks the memory of God, which includes “not an I.” But the state of “not an I” is different. The Doctrine has self discipline and an individually existent inner power which achieves the state of “not an I.” The Doctrine is not spiritually associated. The inner power is intangible (not of this world) but it is individually associated. Not everyone has it. ACIM includes mental discipline. ACIM seeks the memory of God through the leading of the Holy Spirit, a universally available Helper. The ACIM state of “not an I” means that the separation is healed, the Son of God is unified. We, as one Son of God, have leapt into Heaven and are awake in the Love of God. ACIM is equally for everyone, but maybe not everyone chooses it at the same time.
I have to make a decision, a stand. Is my intention to remember God or not? If so, the Doctrine of Awakening is a waste of time for me. I want to follow a spiritual path to remember God. I want to uncover my “intense and burning love for God and His for me.” This is a fundamental decision. It excludes me from many paths that work for others, but are not what I want. I may see another person who appears to be enlightened, but I decide not to follow them because I have decided on finding the memory of God through a particular path. My primary interest is the love of God, not enlightenment per say.
I have at this point uncovered one of my ego’s secrets. I, as an ego, pursue enlightenment for my ego. Jesus, may I pursue the altruistic motive: unification and healing of the Son of God. If I stop my ego’s motives and follow the Holy Spirit for altruistic motives, I become “not an I” but universal Self. There is no I other than ego. Either I am unified as Self (one with God), or I am an ego separate from God.
Jesus, I haven’t yet remembered or found my love for God, but I admit I am an ego. Please help me. I do obey ego thoughts which will lead me away from God. I do not have any thoughts which lead to God, except as I hear the Voice of God calling and I decide to read a spiritual text. Jesus, please help me.
Vacation Tuesday
Yesterday, I went to visit the monastery I used to live at. It is a beautiful ornate brick design that appears every bit as stately and solumn as you might imagine. In the fall, it is surrounded by outrageous fall colors. The chapel is of "high church" design, filled with statues of Benedictine women and its walls are covered with Gospel mosaics.
The joy of my visit was my time with 92 year old Sister Priscilla. When I first lived with the sisters, I lived in a forest in Oklahoma. They had a Catholic Ashram. Sister Priscilla was there with four other sisters. Together we practiced contemplative sitting for 2 1/2 hours a day, prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, gathered for communion; and cooked and cleaned cabins for a few guests.
I loved Sr Priscilla. She is tiny, not much above my waist. She is a fire ball. A year ago, she left the forest and went to live in the sister's house for assisted living. Priscilla has her own room and sneaks around doing things against the rules. I love this about her. Anyway, I visited in her room for an hour and she walked me all around the large house, then we went outside to the Altar Bread Department. I felt so incredibly special to be in her presence for a couple of hours.
One time, about two weeks after I got kicked out of the order, I went down to Oklahoma to Sr Priscilla's 65th anniversary of monastic life. I was secretly invited. I went walking into the kitchen where she was standing and totally surprised her. Yesterday, I walked down to the door into the assisted living house, and I could see her through the window, standing in the dining room. She looked up totally surprised. She said she thought she was seeing a vision.
Sr Priscilla said she thought about me alot, but after yesterday, I am not just a memory, I am an actual person who could show up any day. I am a haunting ghost unless I follow through on the friendship. Gulp! I'll need to visit the monastery more often.
The joy of my visit was my time with 92 year old Sister Priscilla. When I first lived with the sisters, I lived in a forest in Oklahoma. They had a Catholic Ashram. Sister Priscilla was there with four other sisters. Together we practiced contemplative sitting for 2 1/2 hours a day, prayed the Liturgy of the Hours, gathered for communion; and cooked and cleaned cabins for a few guests.
I loved Sr Priscilla. She is tiny, not much above my waist. She is a fire ball. A year ago, she left the forest and went to live in the sister's house for assisted living. Priscilla has her own room and sneaks around doing things against the rules. I love this about her. Anyway, I visited in her room for an hour and she walked me all around the large house, then we went outside to the Altar Bread Department. I felt so incredibly special to be in her presence for a couple of hours.
One time, about two weeks after I got kicked out of the order, I went down to Oklahoma to Sr Priscilla's 65th anniversary of monastic life. I was secretly invited. I went walking into the kitchen where she was standing and totally surprised her. Yesterday, I walked down to the door into the assisted living house, and I could see her through the window, standing in the dining room. She looked up totally surprised. She said she thought she was seeing a vision.
Sr Priscilla said she thought about me alot, but after yesterday, I am not just a memory, I am an actual person who could show up any day. I am a haunting ghost unless I follow through on the friendship. Gulp! I'll need to visit the monastery more often.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Vacation Monday
I got up at 5 and spent an hour and a half on spiritual study and inventory. I was glad to list out all my negative thoughts and put these in the light of my higher power. I listed at least 50 thoughts which are creating fear and terror in my reality. Then, I lifted weights and went running.
Out running, I saw a woman who lets the dog out and then drives around the park while the dog runs alongside. This is probably fun for the dog; getting to really stretch its legs. The woman in the car smokes and talks on the phone. In my opinion, her human spirit is deprived. As I thought about depravity, I flashed my thoughts on my own human spirit. My spirit is also deprived; however, just that tiny remembrance that I even have this magnificent human spirit was an eye-blink of awakening. So quickly my thoughts moved to some material world topic and I had to draw them back. These little eye-blinks are so precious; so worth the mental effort to remember.
Truthfully, I don’t have any burning bushes in my spiritual world. I have tiny eye-blinks of awareness and still small voices, so quiet they are not even a whisper. Yet, this quiet is what I have dedicated my life to.
Out running, I saw a woman who lets the dog out and then drives around the park while the dog runs alongside. This is probably fun for the dog; getting to really stretch its legs. The woman in the car smokes and talks on the phone. In my opinion, her human spirit is deprived. As I thought about depravity, I flashed my thoughts on my own human spirit. My spirit is also deprived; however, just that tiny remembrance that I even have this magnificent human spirit was an eye-blink of awakening. So quickly my thoughts moved to some material world topic and I had to draw them back. These little eye-blinks are so precious; so worth the mental effort to remember.
Truthfully, I don’t have any burning bushes in my spiritual world. I have tiny eye-blinks of awareness and still small voices, so quiet they are not even a whisper. Yet, this quiet is what I have dedicated my life to.
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