What am I living for?

This question appeared in my life recently and I was intrigued. It is a different take on the other question: What is the purpose of my life? I couldn't of myself come up with a purpose, like Jesus of something.

But what am I living for?

To be a writer. To be a marathoner. To be an ultra-fit elder woman. To be sober and in conscious contact with my higher power. To complete the book I'm working on. To push the envelope of my consciousness and evolutionary stance.

I am in the process of switching carriers and methods of accessing the internet. I decided that I didn't like one company. My interim measure is not sufficient for the long term. So now I have a new long term plan and it is in the works. But it takes a few days and some financial backing. I mention this because it is also a evolutionary and metaphysical process.

Yesterday, I installed a new type of smoke detector in my bedroom. This also is an evolutionary change, part of an evolutionary and metaphysical process. Completion required me going to the store and picking out a new detector. Then, a day later, thinking about it while laying on the bed reading, feeling the impetus to do something, putting down my book, getting off the bed, finding a screwdriver and making the switch. I needed to feel the impetus or nothing would have happened. For this feeling, I know that I can complete evolutionary processes step by step.

The book I am writing is an evolutionary process of changing the nature of addiction recovery. I can complete this process step by step.

What am I living for? To carry out metaphysical processes, called creation and human evolution. Fun, in other words.

I used to live in hopes of fixing my emotional state. I was a miserable creature, always angry and trying to prove myself, fending off the world and its people. I no longer have a need to do that. My emotional state is fine.

I quit my career type job to construct phase 3 of my life. I have a good start on that but it is a process. I am living to carry out the process.

But still, deep down inside, what did my physical being want to live for? Why did my soul want to be a human being? Why did my physical being end up in a tragic family of origin? I don't have the answer. I received many gifts from my parents, but also some very bad neuro wiring. I don't think I'll have these answers until I go home, transition out of physical life. For now, I keep pushing forward from where I am today. From the outside, I may appear to be sitting on a bench of life. What I am actually doing does not appear to the people of the world.

Tomorrow is the Kansas City marathon. Will it be just another marathon? Or will it be part of an evolutionary process? What am I living for? Will I feel invigorated at the end? Iwill if that is what I anticipate.

God Consciousness

My studies of neuro-science and addiction have wandered far, including much pondering of hallucinogens. The god consciousness people describe during LSD trips seems like something I want but am deprived of.

Lately, I've been reading a book by a neuroscience professor, recovered addict, called "Never Enough" (Judith Grisel). She describes her acid trip like this: "... an ever-present, infinite, and wonder-full energy in, and around, and through, every speck of creation."

Well now. Actually, I know this. I have to admit that I know this ever-present energy without LSD. I know it whenever I want to know it. I just have to remember it. I am quite able to feel it as I feel the energy of joy and realize consciously that the universe is really a joy filled thing.

On another page, "Never Enough" describes the light of the LSD experience as: "...they (hallucinogens) shone a light on what is always available but somehow usually obscured." My daily short attempts to meditate have in fact given me knowledge of this "always available." The thing is that this ever-present energy of joy is not some tremendous out of body experience. It is a subtle knowing sort of thing. The author says that hallucinogens disrupt the default patterns of synapses. The thing is, that any person can also disrupt the habitual thinking patterns without drugs if they want. Just use the spiritual tools.

The beauty of quiet mornings, when I can sit quietly and ponder spiritual matters is that I share these times with a God Consciousness. And I admit that my entire life has been a seeking of this God Consciousness. The seeds of God Consciousness were planted very early and have been growing ever since. Now, in my sixties, I look at a huge tree, impossible to ignore. The growing of this tree is the purpose of my life.

And so, I still do laundry, go to the grocery store and work at a job in the service industry. Also, I will go running in a forest and thank the trees. I will also consciously thank all the people.

The Hay is in the Barn

Today was my last really long run before the KC marathon in 2 weeks. I'm wanting to break 5 hours in a marathon. In the past 4 days, I've completed 50 miles and 2 weight workouts. Let's recap:

Monday: 5.5 hour shift at Starbucks plus a 9 mile slow jog in 90F temps.
Tuesday: 13.5 miles of hilly trails. 10 miles of running groomed trails plus 2.5 miles of hiking. Hot weather.
Wednesday: 9.5 miles at 9:25 per mile pace in reasonable weather, on asphalt with hills.
Thursday: 18.1 miles at 12 min/mile pace, no walking, cool temps.

I'm so happy with today's run because of the no walking business. In Houston, where I lived until a year ago, I could never get in long runs without walking due to the heat. Now I feel confident about running a marathon without much walking. I finished Heart of America marathon in 5:13, with some walking and really slow jogging at the end because of the heat. I know I have a sub 5 in me.

Still Summer

It is October, but summer weather was still with us as of yesterday. Amazing! But summer weather in Missouri is still far better than summer weather is on the Gulf Coast.

I an a year into phase 3 of my life, my post career life. I built in several situations for phase 3, and these are evolving.

I've been a Starbucks employee for 11 months, but in my current store for only 6 months. I find that my partners are now loosening up. They see that I am upholding my end of the work, and that they don't need to be scared of an older person. I am enjoying being on the team more each day. My body has become used to the work and I find the really busy days to be energizing. I know many customer's names and so relate to them also. So I count this part time job as a successful experiment.

Now that my situation with work is more routine, I can divert attention to writing projects. I find myself mulling over and over the neuro science of addiction, modern addiction treatment and spirituality. The decision to have a spiritual life is really a complete separation from the addicted life. The spiritual life is a complete shift in focus, and combating addiction is left behind. The missing piece is that spirituality works but can't be grasped in a material sense. Yet I think my approach to writing about it sufficiently provides the needed glimpses. The content is written. I continue too plow through editing and filling in gaps. This week, I got a chapter introduction done to share with my writer's critique group.

In general, and several times a day, I feel satisfaction in where I am at in life. I can still go out and run 10 miles for fun. I feel joy in physical fitness. I live in a place that is perfect for me. My bills are paid. I have time to read and write, or do the "deep work" as Cal Newport calls it. I live in a different world than the older ladies of my socio economic group, and I'm happy about that. I am extremely glad to be me, and that is a huge change from a year ago when I was still stuck in a corporate box.

Appreciation

Today, 9/17, was a day off. It is hot around here, but I didn't make it out of bed in time for running in cool temperature. Instead, I headed off to a state park about 25 miles away. That park is mostly forest, so runnable even if it is very hot. It has a 2.75 mile paved bike path. It is a hilly park so climbing muscles get used. I had a lovely time for 2.5 hours.

I spent some of today's run thinking about the road less traveled. I am unbelievably happy to be outside the system of 5 day work weeks. I am also outside the television system and the religion system and the meat eater system and the sedentary system and the over eating getting fat system and the big house system and the dote on your children system, and the corporate manager system.

I am also incredibly pleased to be part of the gig economy. I'm happy to be working even though technically retired. And I look around at the gray hairs standing behind cash registers and I know that we share a secret. Many of us are not there primarily for the money. We are there because we want to be and are receiving non-physical riches.

After I came home from running, and showered, I took a nap and read a book. I suddenly had to put the book down for a moment and cry over how grateful and appreciative I am to have my life. I just feel wonderful, even about the difficult job at Starbucks. I feel hopeful of my future and the slow molding of thoughts which is my writing project. I feel hopeful about running long term. I love being free of the systems. (Aside: I should mention that Starbucks is difficult because it is on your feet, involves lifting and being on the go for 6 or so hours. The physical is the challenging part. So different from the difficulties from my corporate desk job.)

In my life, there were many roads not taken. And, many times where I've failed to complete someone else's road and had to quit. But now I feel as if all the roads I've taken brought me to the exact right spot. The exact right spot is not for the rich and famous. It is for the thoughtful. It is for the runner. It is for enjoyment and fascination.

I have spent my life involved with mental improvement and spiritual studies. Somehow, this has resulted in a great deal of healing. I now think of my parents fondly. Fondly! Incredible since ours was a classic alcoholic and dysfunctional home. I think of various experiences I've had and am grateful for the journey. I'm excited that the journey is not over. I can envision where it is going and how it will feel. I know so.

The end of The Road not Taken by Robert Frost:
"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

A Year Later

A year ago today, I quit my career and entered phase 3 of my life. Best.decision.ever.

What you should know, if you retire early, is that it is about quality of life and not money. My career was basically about making and saving money. Now, my focus is on learning new things and building a new life.

The key thing is that I am happy. I can't really explain why I was so unhappy at my career and the environment of the Gulf Coast. I should have been able to generate a good attitude regardless, but never did. However, upon moving north to Missouri and now working part time, I was instantly happy, and haven't looked back. Joy is now a skill I have and I do have to produce it consciously but it seems easy given my current way of living.

My plan for phase 3 of my life has been adhered to: move to Missouri, run alot, work part time, learn to be a writer and produce a publishable work from the material I wrote before I quit my career.

The good side of my writing project is that it is making steady progress. I have my content together and am now trying to sort through the information and organize it. I have learned much about the business of writing and publishing in the past year, enough to know what direction I am headed and what it could look like. I have the tools, though still learning to use them. As my writing project moves forward, it is bringing people and experiences into my life which I wouldn't otherwise have. I live near a public library which has a writing center funded by the Kaufmann Foundation. So, they have many classes, groups and staff to help writers. They even have a book making machine right in the library.

I never planned for my writing to be my source of financial support, so I am free to work on it a bit too slowly. What I wish I could do better is spend more of my afternoons writing, and doing deep work. But napping and then working out seem to take precedence, especially if I was up at 3 am for work. I seem to need the down time and then later on it is difficult to get my mind turned on and focused. I have been working on the habit of just getting my body into the chair at my desk, without YouTube.

I have entered a very happy time at my barista job. I have learned enough to be a valuable team member and to have fun. The young partners are accepting me. My body is better physically for working on my feet, lifting, bending, reaching, instead of spending all day at a computer. My mind is better for having to learn almost a whole new barista language and software. I'm having to use parts of my brain that engineers don't need to use and so I didn't use them for decades. There is big value in an old person learning new things (hint: mental longevity). This part time job provides health insurance and pays most of my day to day living expenses. My assets have increased since quitting my career.

I survived the winter, but did not start 3 races due to cold weather. In Texas, I did not start races due to heat. But I did run all winter. I have run all summer. The Gulf Coast was a huge problem with overwhelming heat for 8 or so months a year. I suffered from heat related illness every weekend. That problem has disappeared here in Missouri. And so, I run faster more often. Running fast has been a blast. I had a great marathon a week ago. Even at mile 21, I was very happy (check out my smile):

In the area of Missouri where I now live, I am around people whom I've known for 30 or more years. In terms of social capital, I am very rich. I got to celebrate my 34th sobriety anniversary with numerous people I got sober with all those years ago.

I have become a neuro science geek. Part of my writing project involves studying neuro science to explain addiction and recovery. In my retired life, I have time to read neuro science books and addiction books, which seem to be coming out at a furious pace. Luckily, the public library stocks the latest and greatest books.

Here is a video from today's jaunt in the forest:

Heart of America Marathon 2019

Well, I did it! I ran a race! I didn't not-make-it-to-the-start. I did run pretty hard and for most of the way.

The day started comfortable cool at about 60F, but very humid, foggy in fact. The race was not huge, only about 300 runners. The first half of the race was more down hill than not, so I made it to the half point in about 2:20. The half is in the middle of a long steep hill, known as the Easley Hill. (If a hill has a name, you know it is knarley).

After that, the sun came out and as time wore one, I got slower and put in a few walk breaks. I got a blister on the bottom of one foot. It took me a long time to figure out that tightening that shoe would help. Finally, I did stop and tighten it and it did help.

Miles 23 - 26 were mostly flat, but in the sun. I was sweating profusely and dying on the vine as far as speed goes. Second place in my age group passed me during mile 25, but I had nothing to go after her with. I finished in 5:13 by garmin time.

All in all, I'm please with how much I ran (as opposed to walking). I'm pleased that I kept jogging the last mile even though I was hurting. I just said to myself, "well, this is how it is supposed to feel if you try to keep running 26 miles."

I thought of Courtney Dauwalter during the last couple of miles (see second video below). I know a marathon is nothing compared to UTMB 100. But thats the race I was in. I know Courtney keeps going. She goes in her pain cave and keeps going. So, I tried that too. It was hot but I told myself that I wouldn't die if I got a little over heated in the last couple of miles. Just keep going. I am feeling the emotion of accomplishment as we speak.

I rewarded myself on the way home with a Quick Trip grilled cheese and Coke Zero.

My next marathon (#97) is in 6 weeks.