Differences

People advise me to look for the similarities not the differences. To do that is to disregard my true desire to not be like them.

This morning, I ran 4 miles in faster than 5 mph speed. I'm spending my mental power on logistics for a 50 mile race next weekend. Meanwhile, my boss lays in a hospital bed for at least another 6 days after "extensive" colon and stomach surgery. Another 2 colleagues in the immediate work group have physical problems and take medication. And I spend my energy on 2 hours of workout daily.

No, I don't want to relate or be one of. Weekly, I stand in a meeting and keep quiet as the group says the Lord's Prayer together. I cannot say that prayer as its current meaning is not what Jesus meant.

The new pope has displayed a simplicity of life for which I strive. But when it comes to the ongoing practice of privileging priests, I think nothing will change. I continue to with hold my support from such an institution.

I don't: watch TV, drink, go to church, have a family, go to movies, have a fb page, have a mortgage, eat meat, etc. These are all material world things, but they point to my radical existential difference. I don't want to join the dying crowd. I'd rather be a part of the transcendence.

I have had a difficult time with my attitude this week. Today, I started studying A Course in Miracles text for the 9th time. I had no inkling of self crumminess or soul failure today.

I will walk the path of solitude alone because this is what I can support with my moral fiber.

Empty

This morning I had a hard time getting out of bed. Not because of the time change; I was awake before the alarm. I just didn't want to get up. Perhaps I am in the grip of a life crisis, or perhaps my modus operandi is catching up with me.

Other than going to work to earn money, I have no need to get out of bed. I continue to reflect on my life and can't see its purpose, the patterns don't have meaning for me.

But then, as I lay in bed, the phrase "an empty room" crossed my mind. For some reason, this was an exciting idea and caused me to jump up.

I'm a little over 54. At 55, my mother retired and became a full time drunk living off an attorney husband. The emotional trauma of our household got markedly worse. The day I quit drinking over 27 years ago, I vowed not to be like my mother. Within 2 days of getting out of the monastery and observing my 50 something friends with health issues, I vowed not to be fat and sedentary and eat their crap.

I get up at 3:15 and do some spiritual reading. This reading seems to help my attitude a great deal. Then I work out for 75 to 85 minutes. This also helps my attitude and it is a continuation of the spiritual pondering and prayer. Then I go to work.

My daily routine is not meaningful to me. I quit trying to blame everything on God, and so that ended my attempts to make meaning of anything. My daily life is survival. I am realistic about how false everything is.

Now, I return to the empty room. I wish my life had more time for empty miles.

Playing with Life

I have for 5 days been playing with a life decision. See, I noticed my company posted a job which I was eligible for which was a potential promotion. Rather than formally apply, I called the hiring manager to get more information and determine his interest level. I talked to him on Thursday and we agreed to talk again this Tuesday.

This life decision came up at this time and will be determined in my current spiritual mode: slim.

This life decision is also just a thought at the moment; not something real or unavoidable. What I think of it is purely my projection.

So I think about this change. Maybe it is a small financial gain. Not much new learning, not much integration to a global Center of Excellence. A draw back in the associated colleagues I already don't respect.

I was thinking about this as I ran in the park this morning. At first, I thought that I had woken up with a positive desire to move to this other place. Then I thought about how I think person X is an idiot and I don't want to be in the same work space as him. Then, I found myself slipping in to prayer: turning it over to a Higher Power. Is this habit or truth?

Now, a few hours later, in the context of my brain studies, I think this, "I have no freaking idea what the purpose of my life is." So how do I make this decision except financially and happiness. What survival instinct drives this? What Spiritual connection urges it?

I may not really have free will in the survival area. I feel inner peace when I seek a silent connection with some consciousness greater than myself.

But now, Sunday afternoon, I am off to spend a few hours at my current job doing pre-startup safety reviews.

The Non-instinctive Life

I've left aside spiritual reading for a little while in order to read some neuroscience (brain books). It is a kind of spiritual study if you admit that you can't define God or Spirit until after you define physiology and chemistry and evolutionary patterns.

Currently reading "The Ravenous Brain." This morning I read, "We overeat because normally, in nature, food is scarce, so when there is a plentiful supply, the desire to stock up is incredibly powerful. We suffer heavy stress, even when there is not even a remote threat to our lives, because we are built to strive desperately in a dangerous world. We are also engineered to impress -- to rise socially as far as we can -- partly to secure more resources, but also to find sexual mates. Sex is one of the main driving forces of adult life, because, after all, passing on our own brand of genetic ideas is the main evolutionary purpose of our existence."

So I understand my fights and my fears. I understand those powerful urges, maybe not overcome even if a different conscious choice is attempted.

Prayer is a belief that one of these instincts can be met by divine intervention.

I went running. I noticed that cigarette butts laying on the ground represent a threat to my life. I thought about how I evaluate every single man in terms of his usefulness as a mate or as a threat to my safety. The people closest to me are most likely to try to control my behavior so that I am not a threat to their evolutionary success. Some of my exercise is in the "survival of the fittest" category. The little things I do to please the boss or gets positive attention are evolutionary difficult to escape behaviors.

I try to give up the dopamine reward cycle. I am not fat. I don't go along with the tribe. I don't want to live a food centered life. I'm celibate. I don't know if I believe in God or not at the moment. I want to run endless miles. This represents eternity to me. I still sit in silence and listen. My intuitive thoughts come this way; I just don't think it is God talking to me. I go to work, pay the bills and have no purpose.

The Nature of Things

1. Almost all stories and teachings that I have read about how to connect with God require an altered state of consciousness. That is: meditation, adoration, drugs, brain injury, fasting, long distance running, isolation and silence.

2. Sometimes God comes as a spontaneous gift of revelation. Nothing can be done to make this happen.

So, the normal waking awareness is not enough for divine Union. At least, that's what we all believe. I personally think that divine union experienced as a result of one of the items in #1 above are yielding a false god; more likely just brain chemistry in action. God is really dopamine.

3. My main fear is of other people.

I live in a totally man made environment. There is very little about nature in my daily life. All of my daily challenges come from encounters with others. Most people don't like to identify this fact so clearly or admit that fear of others is the main driving force.

I've spent my adult life chasing God. I've claimed that the use of spiritual practices has made me a person of great inner calm. At this point in my life, I have rejected the dopamine God.

I am alive and very emotionally stable; but I have no actual purpose for being alive. Unless you say that faith in the eventual spontaneous coming of Revelation is what I am living for, then I don't have a purpose.

If I see my purposelessness as a horrible thing, very sad, then no wonder I try desperately to find a purpose in serving God. It seems ridiculous that a human race would exist with consciousness but utterly no higher reason for being alive. So, yes we are driven to find the higher. We can't stand being nothing. (Especially Americans).

Should I go participate in public service so that I can feel good about my existence? haha, no I'll just go consume some more.

Of Private Marathons

There was a marathon in Houston yesterday. So had I wanted to drive 60 miles (one way) to the site both on Friday to pick up my packet and again on Saturday to run the race, I could have done it. Had I wanted to pay more than $100 for the privilege of entering this race, I could have done it.

But I am sort of sour on these ideas. I like to run alot, but not necessarily to waste all this time and money.

On January 12, I turned 54. I planned an athletic weekend for myself which included a 26.2 mile run. I got interested in running as many marathons as I could this year. But, I allow myself to run private marathons because I have no need to prove to anybody what I did.

I don't cheat in real races and I don't cheat myself in private events.

If I run a 26.2 mile run, or go in a 26.2 mile race, I do at least 13.1 miles (at least) that weekend also (making a Goofy or Reverse Goofy, without the cost of going to Disney World). A Goofy gives me the personal satisfaction of listing the event on a piece of paper pinned to the wall where all my other swag is.

So, I tried to run 26 miles on Friday, but my insole design for a new pair of shoes was crap and beat the hell out of my left heel, so I stopped at 21.8 miles. Then, Saturday (new insole design), I walked 16.8 miles and went easy on myself. But today, Sunday, I felt great and my shoes felt great. So I walk/jogged the whole 26.2 miles.

I completed a private multi-day and a private super sized Goofy. I'm happy with that. I went to Marathon Maniacs and listed my 26.2 mile training run. Its official, my 4th marathon of the year is complete.

Adoration

Yes, I would like to fall on my kness and be in abject awe of The Divine.

I don't do it by sitting in front of a piece of bread. Just the thought "Adoration" causes me to pause. And then contemplation springs up. Contemplation of anything.

Yes, contemplation of Jesus crucified is a worthy image. Be silent when you do this. Do not repeat to yourself anything you may have read in the Bible or in church.