Simply A Long Run

 I ran 15 miles today. It was a beautiful winter day, but warm, in the 40s. Not much wind and enough sun.

It feels wonderful to load up my hydro-pak with water and head off for miles and miles. I'm not training for anything right now. I don't know when my next real race will be. But doing miles is what I do. I do them easily, slowly, low impact. Fresh air. Hardly anyone around. I live right by miles of paved bike path so I can run at any time without worrying about cars. It is not training, just enjoying time outside whenever possible. Nothing profound to say about it. Outside is a place to be, just be.

Spirit TV

 I've had some really good running recently. 

Addiction: Disease not Choice

 

Addiction: Disease not Choice

Copyright Laura Bellman December 2020, all rights reserved

 

            “…addiction … an attempt to shed my existential burden instead of carrying out the struggle…” (12 Rules for Life 323).

            To define addiction as a disease is important because it is a national health problem and to help addicts receive treatment. A deep understanding of the disease is necessary to achieve better treatment results. It is not just that addiction should be defined as a disease, but that the meaning of the word disease must be recognized. To understand addiction as a disease, first, the counter-argument of neuroscience is discussed. Then, the disease concept is explored, including the definition of a disease, the epigenetic changes, and emotional components. Some comments on treatment follow the emotional discussion. Addiction is a disease when all of the components of the definition of the disease are considered. The key to the disease of addiction is the compounding of neuro patterning with epigenetics.

            An existential burden is a condition of neuroscience and epigenetics, not a choice. Going deeply into epigenetics, also known as gene expression, we find the roots of behavior, emotion, and thought. Most people don’t know about gene expression, or perceive their gene expression as an existential burden; so they proceed unknowingly into addiction. A radical change in outlook on life is required to begin the change process necessary for recovery from addiction. The radical change is a decision to shoulder the existential burden, deal with the epigenetics, and carry out the struggle to live life on life’s terms. This total psychic change, sometimes perceived as a spiritual experience, is mistaken by the non-addicted as an ordinary choice. The total psychic change is a radical change to the electrical impulses of the diseased brain.

            For many years, Lays potato chips had the slogan, “No one can eat just one.” Watching the commercial and listening to the slogan, one’s brain formed a desire for a Lays potato chip. Indeed, the behavior of going to the kitchen and getting the bag of chips was difficult to resist. The same feeling of desire occurs in today’s world with the behavior of checking social media for updates and likes. Desire, or more technically the dopamine reward mechanism, plays a role in behavior. Overuse of the dopamine reward mechanism with any one behavior leads at least a distraction, or at worst to disease. For instance, extreme overuse of potato chips could lead to obesity, now identified as a disease. Too much social media distraction impedes the ability to do one’s homework. But it is the epigenetics plus neuro circuits which express as a failure of choice, not the failure of choice itself. Managing the dopamine reward mechanism is part of the existential burden of every human. Resisting immediate gratification is the struggle.

            Whether it is too many potato chips or shots of heroin, a disorder develops in the body and brain. At some tipping point, the addict has lost control, and the behavior is involuntary. The tipping point distinguishes a disorder from a disease. A full definition of the disease promotes effective treatment. Addiction is a disease characterized by an entrenched dopamine reward loop. While not everyone becomes an addict, epigenetic or emotional comorbidities predispose an addict. The aim of treatment should be accurate knowledge of the existential burden, followed by enough time for new neurocircuits to be developed, and gene expression to be modified and strengthened, in essence, a whole new way of life built.

Neuroscience

The counter-argument to addiction as a disease comes from neuroscience. Neuroscientists argue that addiction is a disease of choice. Learning, plasticity, and choice are concepts critical to neuroscientists. Neuroscientists do not account for the action of drugs on receptors in the brain which is different from eating too many potato chips. Also, neuroscientists do not account for gene expressions. Below are three examples of neuroscience arguments for addiction being a habit, not a disease.

            Neuroscientists look scientifically at desire and choice. Addiction is merely a result of the brain learning through repetition. The book The Biology of Desire is written by Marc Lewis, a university professor of neuroscience. The book explains why addiction is not considered a disease, but rather a result of repetition. Lewis believes that “Addiction results, rather, from the motivated repetition of the same thoughts and behaviors until they become habitual. Thus, addiction develops—it’s learned—but it’s learned more deeply and often more quickly than most other habits, due to a narrowing tunnel of attention and attraction” (x). This book does not agree that a disorder is a disease if the disorder is a normal outcome of the brain’s operation. According to this book, the process of strengthening a neural circuit with drugs is the same for any human learning. Therefore, a drug habit is not a disease. The habit is the normal outcome of the brain’s learning function. The author does admit that a drug habit is learned quickly and deeply, but insists that any habit is just a habit and any person can choose to quit. The book does not account for any other factors related to addiction. For instance, drugs actually fill receptors in the brain and cause physiological changes beyond the neurocircuits.

Some neuroscientists lump choices about costs and benefits in the same category as the choice to take a drug in the moment. Neuroscientists don’t acknowledge the involuntary nature of the disease when the addict has placed themselves beyond ordinary choice. The book Addiction: A Disorder of Choice is written by Gene Heyman, a research psychologist, and lecturer at Harvard medical school. The book explains the aspects of choice, the biological basis for disease, and examples of addicts recovering based on choice. Heyman suggests that “Voluntary acts are guided by costs and benefits, such as concern about family, cultural values, self-esteem, fear of punishment, and so on; the same holds for drug use in addicts” (113). Neural plasticity is normal for the brain. This book also explains the strengthening of frequently used circuits as well as the weakening of non-used circuits. From this information, one gets the idea that a strong circuit is difficult to resist, however, Heyman posits that a person can choose their behavior regardless of the strength of the neuro circuit. This book’s conclusions land firmly on the concept of choice even for addiction. It doesn’t claim that choice is easy, but that choice is the way out of addiction, just as it was the way into addiction. This book comes short of properly acknowledging the type of radical change needed for an addict beyond the tipping point of disease.

Neuroscientists do not distinguish addiction as separate from any other habitual behavior. The book The Craving Mind is written by Jud Brewer, a university professor of medicine and psychology affiliated with three universities. The book is not focused on addictive drugs, but the brain's reward-seeking capability. Reward seeking could be directed towards cell phones, chocolate, or any number of things including drugs. Brewer observes that “Simply put, the more that a behavior is repeated, the more we learn to see the world in a certain way—through a lens that is biased, based on rewards and punishments from previous actions…”(7). This idea of perception could indicate that an addict can no longer determine behavior other than the addicted one. The words “lens that is biased” could be restated as a disordered brain or diseased brain. Brewer, however, looking only at reward-based learning and the dopamine reward cycle, addiction is not perceived as a different sort of problem than gambling or eating too many potato chips. Brewer’s arguments support the idea that addiction is not a disease because it treats addiction the same as any other reward-seeking behavior.

Neuroscience is the state of the art research. The ability to scan the brain and understand what happens to a brain on drugs is a recent development. Such information was not available to doctors 80 or 90 years ago when the idea of addiction being a disease first surfaced through the foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous. For most of human history, addiction was a matter of weak moral character. After understanding the neuroscience, it is necessary to return to the definition of disease to better understand why the addict’s habit is a disease.

 Definition of Disease

           The definition of what is considered a disease changes with time, based on culture and diagnostic capability. According to the dictionary, a disease is any harmful deviation from the normal structural or functional state of an organism, generally associated with certain signs and symptoms and differing in nature from physical injury. A diseased organism commonly exhibits signs or symptoms indicative of its abnormal state. The stereotypical addict could be identified as a person destroying their life and family by insanely pursuing drugs. They may swear off, but by the end of the day, they are looking for a score. Tremendous health problems along with crime and homelessness are the most obvious signs and symptoms. Looking at an addict from the outside, it seems easy to identify a diseased organism or an abnormal state of life.

            It may be surprising to many people to learn that defining disease is not a black and white decision. Social factors do influence science. The article “What is a Disease” by Jackie Leach Scully, a research scientist, concludes:

“…science never simply reflects cultural understandings; it simultaneously helps craft the definitions as well. Choices of such mundane things as disease models and diagnostic criteria, then, are not just about research agendas or commercial influences. At their heart they embody profound ethical debates about identity, human rights and the tolerance of difference.”

            The article supports the disease of addiction by expanding the definition of disease and explaining its etiology. To define something as a disease, one must account for more than neurocircuits. Culture and ethics are embodied by gene expression, epigenetics. Culture and identity are passed along through generations as well as early childhood learning. The soft concepts of culture, identity, difference, and human rights, make up a gene expression that must be struggled with consciously. If a drug has taken over one’s life, then the existential burden is not shouldered.

            Most addicts receive treatment in the form of psychological counseling. Psychologists rely on the disease definition provided by their professional association. Also, insurance companies rely on the professional diagnosis of disease. The disease of addiction is defined by the American Psychiatric Association (APA). The APA publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM5) where addiction is defined: “Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life.” Careful reading of the DSM5 definition reveals that addicts are defined by behavior, not by scientific diagnosis. Although at some point in the future, a brain scan might do this job. Observing addicts from the outside, one can see how the addiction has taken over their life. People end up in treatment for addiction after harmful circumstances like job loss, family loss, arrests, and health problems.

The brain disorder of addiction is a process that begins with a single dose. Enough doses and control is lost. The article “Initial rewarding effects of cocaine and amphetamine assessed in a day using the single-exposure place preference protocol” explains the changes to the dopamine reward circuit, and associated plasticity, which occurs from even a single dose of cocaine or amphetamine:

“By applying this protocol, we show that despite being exposed to both compartments of the apparatus on the same day, a single exposure to cocaine is sufficient to alter place preference towards the cocaine-paired compartment. In spite of different pharmacokinetics, a single dose of amphetamine is able to induce a place preference in the condensed sePP [Single Exposure Place Preference]” (2157).

The experiments were done on mice and included both observed behavior changes and brain dissection. Despite the different effects of cocaine and amphetamine, the rats showed behavior changes after one dose. Where repeated doses are used, stronger learning behavior is witnessed. Addiction is a process that begins with the first dose of a drug. This article’s results lead one to understand that, unless there is an intervention, a drug user would proceed to drug addiction. This outcome would be expected because the brain chooses additional drug stimulation without some overriding outside force. Choosing additional drug usage leads to the behaviors characterized by the DSM definition of a disease.

Epigenetics

            Epigenetics research is beginning to show addiction is a disease. While an addiction gene hasn’t been found, epigenetic mechanisms are being discovered by researchers. Epigenetics is a new field of scientific discovery. This field was not possible before the discovery of the human genome and gene sequencing. The epigenetic code is another set of instructions that reside on top of DNA. Epigenetics control the activity of genes by switching them on and off. Before epigenetics was discovered, the term gene expression was used to describe the function of epigenetics. Pre-disposal to addiction may be epigenetically passed along through generations. Chronic stress and addiction can introduce epigenetic changes. An epigenetic fact alters the person’s ability to choose their behavior.

            Changes in DNA can lead to diseases. Epigenetic researchers have been able to construct changes to the proteins riding on the DNA through repetition and show changes to gene expression. The article “Epigenetics — Beyond the Genome in Alcoholism” posits that the cycle of extreme alcohol consumption followed by excruciating detox followed by relapse alters gene expression. This author classifies alcohol use disorder as a disease, thus supporting the disease concept:

“Genetic and environmental factors play a role in the development of alcoholism. Whole-genome expression profiling has highlighted the importance of several genes that may contribute to alcohol abuse disorders. In addition, more recent findings have added yet another layer of complexity to the overall molecular mechanisms involved in a predisposition to alcoholism and addiction by demonstrating that processes related to genetic factors that do not manifest as DNA sequence changes (i.e., epigenetic processes) play a role. Both acute and chronic ethanol exposure can alter gene expression levels in specific neuronal circuits that govern the behavioral consequences related to tolerance and dependence.”

            Epigenetics adds an amazing explanation for the addict’s seemingly insane behavior. Histone acetylation and histone and DNA methylation play a role in gene expression. Modification of microRNAs is a major factor in brain disease onset processes. Chromatin remodeling in the amygdala may regulate the development of anxiety-like behaviors during ethanol withdrawal after chronic exposure. Altering gene expression means thought, feeling, and behavior changes. Addiction changes gene expression. Gene expression is our reality, how we behave and show up in the world.

            Epigenetics is investigated biochemically, adding weight to the idea that addiction is a disease. Biochemical evidence can be found through rodent studies or biopsy of deceased humans. The biochemical changes are different for different drugs. The article “It Is A Complex Issue: emerging connections between epigenetic regulators in drug addiction” explains mechanisms important for gene transcription. Biochemical evidence shows: “The transition from casual drug use to a Substance Use Disorder (SUD) might occur through epigenetic mechanisms, and numerous studies report changes in the brain following chronic drug use.” Gene expression, how we think, feel, and behave, provides a strong rebuttal to the neuroscientist’s claim that addiction is a choice. The article is comprehensive in presenting biochemical changes due to a large number of drugs. The gene expression of addicts is various, however, biochemical changes are somewhat definitive. This researcher finds that epigenetics predispose one to addiction as well as continuing the epigenetic changes towards the tipping point of addiction becoming a disease.

Emotion

            Emotional stress reactions are gene expressions that someone can’t think their way around without intervention. How humans feel is formed early in life. When faced with defeat, what do many people do but head to the bar for a drink? A life that begins in defeat stress may search for the easy out which substances bring. Searching for an escape refers one back to the failure to shoulder the existential burden. This behavior is frequently carried out semi-consciously. Many people don’t think about the remodeling of their brain through repetition. In the article “Social Defeat Stress: Mechanisms Underlying the Increase in Rewarding Effects of Drugs of Abuse” the changes due to environmental stress have been experimentally investigated using rats:

“Social interaction is known to be the main source of stress in human beings, which explains the translational importance of this research in animals. Evidence reported over the last decade has revealed that, when exposed to social defeat experiences (brief episodes of social confrontations during adolescence and adulthood), the rodent brain undergoes remodeling and functional modifications, which in turn lead to an increase in the rewarding and reinstating effects of different drugs of abuse.”

            The brain can be remodeled to accept and crave the escape. This rat research models the disease of addiction as repeated usage of drugs plus epigenetic modifications. Addicts demonstrate the same behavior as rats. Repeating the behavior, one falls into the disease.  While rats don’t have existential burdens, humans do. Drugs became the answer to the struggle; the existential struggle was not shouldered.

Treatment 

           Many diseases are treated with medications. A condition treated with medication helps us to understand that condition as a disease. Substance Use Disorder (SUD), as a result of the opioid epidemic, can be treated with medications. Most often, the medication is a substitute for the drug which fills the necessary brain receptors, satisfies cravings, and helps the associated consciousness focus on something besides obtaining drugs. By satisfying the brain, the associated consciousness buys time to change their life. Yet still, the consciousness has to want to carry out the work of change.

            It is astonishing to realize that meditation can modify the electronics such that an addict can weaken the drug craving circuits. The brain is essentially a system of electrical impulses, and that stronger impulses get attention from the associated consciousness. In his neuroscience research, the scientist Dr. Brewer (introduced above) completed numerous brain scans of trained meditators and persons newly trained to the practice. In the article “Mindfulness-based treatments for co-occurring depression and substance use disorders: what can we learn from the brain?” Dr. Brewer concludes:

“Mindfulness training [MT] has shown promise in the treatment of both SUDs and MDD. Examination of the common neurobiological and behavioral dysfunction in these disorders suggests the promise of MT for dually diagnosed individuals. MT may help those with dual diagnosis decrease avoidance, tolerate unpleasant withdrawal and emotional states (stress-related), and unlearn maladaptive behaviors (rumination). Additionally, it may lessen the interactions between these processes, thus weakening their additive effects on depression and substance use” (1702).

            Brewer’s book (cited above) contains the brain scans of seasoned meditators and newly trained meditators. This evidence triggered the realization that there is a connection between the meditating consciousness and the associated brain electrical firing pattern which could change entrenched neuro patterns. Looking at the brain scans, one can see that the electrical characteristics of the brain do change during meditation. Meditation reduces the electrical strength of some neurocircuits. This weakening allows other circuits to be thought or felt by the addict. The entrenched brain circuit is knocked out of first place. This activity can be the beginning of a psychic change, allowing the addict to grow emotionally, and change the gene expression. One could say that while meditation is used to quiet the electrical impulses within the brain, it allows the associated consciousness to take over the apparatus and make a radical choice to recover.

            Beginning with Alcoholics Anonymous and progressing through 80 years of scientific development, addiction has been redefined as a disease instead of a moral weakness. Alcoholics Anonymous called the problem of alcoholism a malady of body, mind, and spirit. What Alcoholics Anonymous also got right was the treatment of the disease with spiritual practices, including meditation. These practices form the basis of building a psychic change, changing neurocircuits, and changing gene expression. When neuroscience and epigenetics are integrated, they form the explanation of addiction as a disease. The disease is complex and presents variously in each individual. It is through both science and psychology that recovery will be found: radical choice plus changes to gene expression and neurocircuitry, over some time. The time is purchased with treatment, medically assisted treatment, ongoing counseling, and participation in a treatment community. Medicine, counseling, mindfulness practices, and 12 Step groups all work together to treat the disease.

            In the end, it is not so much whether addiction is a disease as understanding the complexity of the disease and responding accordingly. The definition of a disease changes with culture, and the evolution of science. Neuroscience and epigenetics have changed the perception and diagnosis of substance use disorder. Psychology can make use of these perceptions to effectively treat addiction by combining both the notions of choice and disease.

 

 

 

Works Cited

 

Anderson, Ethan M., et al. “It Is a Complex Issue: Emerging Connections between Epigenetic Regulators in Drug Addiction.” European Journal of Neuroscience, vol. 50, no. 3, Aug. 2019, pp. 2477–2491.

 

Brewer, Judson A., et al. “Mindfulness-Based Treatments for Co-Occurring Depression and Substance Use Disorders: What Can We Learn from the Brain?” Addiction, vol. 105, no. 10, Oct. 2010, pp. 1698–1706.

 

Brewer, Judson. The Craving Mind. Yale University Press, 2017.

 

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th, ed. American Psychiatric Publishing, 2013.

 

Heyman, Gene. Addiction —A Disorder of Choice. Harvard University Press, 2009.

 

Lewis, Marc. The Biology of Desire —Why Addiction is Not a Disease. PublicAffairs, 2015.

 

Montagud, Romero, Sandra, et al. “Social Defeat Stress: Mechanisms Underlying the Increase in Rewarding Effects of Drugs of Abuse.” European Journal of Neuroscience, vol. 48, no. 9, Nov. 2018, pp. 2948–2970.

 

Peterson, Jordan. 12 Rules for Life. Random House Canada, 2018.

 

Scully, Jackie Leach. “What is a disease?.” EMBO reports vol. 5,7 (2004): 650-3.

 

Starkman, Bela G., et al. “Epigenetics--Beyond the Genome in Alcoholism.” Alcohol Research: Current Reviews, vol. 34, no. 3, Mar. 2012, pp. 293–306.

 

Spirit TV

 I have a YouTube channel where there are many many short little videos. Find it at Spirit TV

Here are the two latest videos:

Over Thanksgiving, I went to Dallas and ran one full marathon race and a half marathon race. I had a good time and can't wait to go back. 

The weather has been awesome this December. I think I get in 10 miles a day.

For Posterity's Sake

 The President of the United States does not concede the election but he does do the right thing and release the GSA to do its job (note, the bottom tweet came first):

It is only 20 days since the election and 16 days since it was clear that Biden won.

I'm not a Trump fan. But if he wasn't such a gross criminal and immoral person, just covered up a little, he would have won the election.

Even kindergarteners know how to play nice.

The Gordian Knot of 2020 Existence

 The Gordian knot is a metaphor for an intractable problem, a problem of untying an impossibly tangled knot. According to Wikipedia, the intractable problem is easily solved by finding an approach to the problem that renders the constraints of the problem moot. Hummm...constraints. Is the problem so big that I feel powerless to do anything? Is the problem a reality that cannot be changed? Constraints suddenly suggest to me a lack of freedom in some way. The intractable problem has got me tied up, constrained. 

Humans are unbelievably good at worrying over problems until they realize a solution.

What is my modern Gordian knot? It is the coronavirus pandemic? Is it our divided country with a stalemated government? Is it the elites robbing the middle and lower classes? Is it the struggle of day to day life where you seem to slip back a little every day? These problems might be the Gordian knot for society at large and worried over by the media.

My life's Gordian knot is not these outer circumstances. My Gordian knot is the conundrum of being and Being. Who am I really? Who or what is Being Itself? I feel the overlap of my being and Being Itself. My desire for more consciousness seems to be what forms the Gordian knot, a knot that is hopelessly tangled. I despair of having the level of self-transcendence that I desire. Pure existentialism is my Gordian knot.

I sought Being through drug or alcoholic euphoria, through ultra-marathons, through fasting, through monastic life. In the end, I am here alone with my being. Alone? Well no. It is quite easy to behold Being in my awareness when I quietly focus without grasping.

Consciousness itself is the Gordian knot of every human being. No matter the circumstances, all of us wonder, some of the time, about what we are doing here. Some of us ponder the question incessantly, continuously seeking depth and meaning. Others do not have much time for pondering as the concerns of survival are far more urgent. But all of us pick away at the knot.

Did Jesus have the answer? The Buddha? Does the Dali Lamma have the answer at the moment? Love? Is the answer ineffable, a thing that can be sensed but not articulated? Who am I to play amateur philosopher anyway?

In Beyond Good and Evil, Nietzsche says, "In spite of all the value which may belong to the true, the positive, and the unselfish, it might be possible that a higher and more fundamental value for life generally should be assigned to pretense, to the will to delusion, to selfishness and cupidity. It might even be possible that what constitutes the value of those good and respected things, consists precisely in their being insidiously related, knotted and crocheted to these evil and apparently opposed things--perhaps evening being essentially identical with them (12)." ( the bold is mine)

Knotted!

You cannot have meaning without the meaningless. Or truth without lies. Or wisdom without the foolish. Many others have said this before me. What one of us is not a tangle of truth or delusion and falsehood? This contrast cannot be avoided in any human life. 

Am I concerned for the soul of a nation or my own soul? What would Jesus do? Hardley any of us would go into the desert with Jesus. Life is too hard out there, too harsh, too stark. Yet, facing my own being, my own tangle of truth and lies is harsh. It takes a desert of only sand and sun to see what really is there.

Love. What the fuck! Take a deep breath. Would another cold shower help? I'm not Wim Hof. Despair? Is that what this is? Humans despair of ever knowing their own truth? Fucking Gordian knot. No, I haven't answered any existential questions.

Freedom is in facing the Gordian knot of my own existence, facing the chaos, and shouldering a good life anyway. Despair is balanced, or maybe even overcome, by forward motion. Despair is long forgotten when I am working on an expansion project. The Gordian knot does not exist for me when I'm engaged in being fully alive. In this sense, the material world where I can achieve transcends the material world of pandemics and governmental chaos. But both are needed.

I went for a run today. I went to the forest for 10 miles. It is cloudy, misty, and cooish. I loved running. A plane could be heard overhead, but not seen due to the clouds. Birds were heard overhead, and I could see them in the trees. The cloud of unknowing is what exists above me, but it doesn't matter. I know what is up there anyway.

Feeling Successful

 Yesterday, Thursday, I went for a 15 mile jog in the forest. It was lovely to leisurely consume miles. The leaves are down. The weather is coolish trending towards cold. 

I've been listening to a good deal to Jordan Peterson on YouTube. Jordan is a psychologist and university professor. He is most well known for his book 12 Rules for Life. I've been fascinated by his Biblical analysis of Genesis. In passing, he talks about Friedrich Nietzsche. I heard about Nietzche's Beyond Good and Evil. I just got the book and started reading it. Some philosophers are too difficult for me. Like, I gave up on Jean-Paul Sartre's Being and Nothingness. Nietzche seems readable. 

Jordan Peterson is an intellectual and highly educated. He is a very impressive thinker. He advocates making the best of your life. He explains why you'll never get it done, the challenge of being human, and having consciousness. He explains why you are not happy unless you are expanding. David Goggins is an athlete who is extremely different than Jordan Peterson, yet, he advocates the same thing. Do the most with your life. As I have moved into being a college student, I've been feeling like I actually am making the most of my life. I have the brains to learn to understand complicated issues and write in-depth. I get excited about it. 

On Tuesday, a magnificent thing happened. I accidentally found out about a neuroscience course from MIT which I could take online. I was thrilled. I am a serious student. I get excited about learning. I am hoping that I can become a student of philosophy in the future, so taking an extension course should help me get started. 

Studying and thinking and writing are my swim lane. When I stay focused on staying in my lane, my life proceeds successfully and meaningfully. I feel great. When I get out of my lane, like into politics, for instance, I don't feel so good. Being an athlete along with being a scholar is included in my swim lane. I feel great after 30 minutes of weight lifting and 3 hours of running. 

I won't be signing up for any more virtual races this winter. It is too cold to spend 6 hours jogging 26 miles outside. My racing season will finish up with two more real races in the Dallas area. 

My life has changed since I quit my job. I have a lot of school work to do. I get a lot of exercise, but I hardly interact with any people. I see other people face to face two or three times a week. The pandemic has been good to me in many ways, but I hadn't had to actually face isolation as long as I was working. Now, I have to face it. I have a friend who is my age. She got COVID but didn't suffer very much. I'm sort of jealous about that because she doesn't have to worry about getting it now. However, I can't just go out and get sick. I don't know what my body would do. So I accept isolation. A reason to be careful is that I am driving a relative who is 83 years old. I intend to be healthy when she gets in my car. 

Writers and thinkers through the ages have been somewhat solitary in order to think deeply. When I was in monastic life, I learned about desert solitaries and anchoress'. I have been long fascinated with the hermit lifestyle. On the one hand, I am living in a way that fascinates me. On the other hand, my solitude is imposed by the pandemic. 

The world is changing. Chaos brews. I watch and think and run marathons.

Letter 11/5/2020

 Good morning, or good day. Another beautiful day. I've recovered from my recent ultra-marathon and looking forward to more races. I look forward to exercise period.

I've been engrossed in writing essays for college. It helps a lot that the essays are on topics of interest. I become engrossed in gathering ideas and organizing them for hours. I love that my brain is engaged. I love that my thought world is expanding.

I love myself and I love all this world. The universal presence of Non-Judgement, conscious as an experience, was the result of my ultra-marathon. I can't really explain this knowledge but it is my reality now. Non-Judgement is the truth.

"The philosopher is attempting to attain an eternal existence.  He is striving for release from impermanent attitudes, beliefs, and habits...he must stop fuming and fussing over this candidate and that party, and get to the place where he can perceive that all the varied and often contradictory procedures of mankind are contributing to an eternal pattern.  Growth, integrity, and ultimate perfection are inevitable.  There is nothing more disheartening to see than a group fretting itself into a frenzy determining whether a certain political party is going to overthrow civilization." That's from Manly P. Hall's Self-Unfoldment by Disciplines of Realization.

Big Dog Backyard Ultra

 In the world of ultra running, miracles, or the miraculous is happening. Today is a big day, and it is not over yet.

Big's back yard is a last person standing race. Every hour on the hour, the runners toe the line for 4.1 miles. And this race keeps going until all but one runner is toeing the line. It is a fantastic race. The people who last the longest are in it to see where their limits are, but you need really good competition, someone whose limit is out there where yours is in order to keep going. Women frequently win this type of race, since they can bring competitiveness and willingness to persevere to the table. Strength and speed don't matter in this race. Hanging in there matters, and that is often a mind game.

This year's Big's has been going on for 2 days and 13 hours. 2 US runners are on course at the real Big's back yard (yeah, Big is a dog). 2 runners in Belgium and 3 runners in Mexico are competing via Zoom, and are still on course. These runners have run 60 laps, 250 miles.

Wrap your head around that. 

What sort of mental fortitude does this require? 

The two US runners still in it are famous, as well as very very competent ultra runners: Courtney Dauwalter and Harvey Lewis. Courtney did 67 laps at this race 2 years ago. Harvey has done 58 laps previously. So Harvey has gone beyond his previous best. Courtney has yet to reach her personal best. 

What will happen? I hope they make it through the night.

So, reaching your personal limits. I hope to test my potential in 2 weeks when I go in a 12 hour race. Keeping my body on course, at whatever slow speed, for 12 hours is challenging, especially mentally. When your feet and legs hurt bad around 35 miles, you ask yourself, "why am I walking around this lake? Why don't I get in the car and go home. This is pointless." But if you give in, you never know what you can do. You didn't learn to go past your mental limits. I've not gone past my limits, maybe ever, but at least for a long time.

NYC Marathon

It is 2020. Most of the races I like to go in have been cancelled. Instead, I've had some virtual bucket list races. New York City virtual marathon s the last of my virtual races. I've put together a cool swag display for 2020, the pandemic year, the Black Lives Matter year, the strangest presidential election year. 

I decided to do the NYC marathon today, on the first day of the race, because it is the last warm and dry day for awhile. Haha: warm. Just a couple of weeks ago, I would've picked the coolest day. Now that it is mid-October, I'm picking the warmest day. I got started at 7 am. A beautiful sunrise over Happy Rock Park.

You can check out my Strava here: https://www.strava.com/activities/4207964320
 

My overall time was pretty slow because of pit stops. I jogged the first 10 miles in 2 hours, then switched to 3x2 jog/walk pattern. However, I was pleased with the effort. My feet didn't hurt that bad and I  didn't get any blisters. I didn't have to drink as much Gatorade as when it is hotter weather, and no salt tablets were needed. 

To complete a virtual marathon, I actually need to prepare the night before and get up early just like I would for a real marathon. I need to let my body and brain know that this is a real thing, and we do need to get out of bed and get going. The virtual marathon hurts as much as a real marathon, but it is very lonely. My times are usually faster for a real marathon, because I actually race. By myself, I just aim to finish the distance without too much trauma. Since I need to provide my own aid stations, I usually pick a course where I go by my house or my car periodically. Today that meant 3 long laps. 

Most of the leaves are gone from the trees. Winter is coming. I probably won't sign up for any more virtual marathons. Once it gets real cold, I can't spend 6+ hours outside. And I don't want to use a treadmill for a marathon. I have a real ultra-marathon in 2 weeks. I may also sign up for some small marathons which I know about, in Dallas where it is warm. But I'm done with the virtual business.

Stay patient everyone. The pandemic isn't over. 

A Great Day

 This morning, I woke up early. I was treated to beautiful pink clouds in the morning sky:

I spent 2 hours on a morning work block: writing. And then I went to a nearby state park to go running. This park has many hills, so an 11 mile run was quite strenuous. The leaves weren't too spectacular, but it was still beautiful:

This evening I attended by college class via Zoom. I am learning and I like it alot.

I've been appreciating my life a great deal.

My next virtual marathon will be completed on Saturday. 

I'm Not on Facebook or Instagram

 So... if I was on Facebook or Instagram, I would've posted these pictures.

First, an awesome tree in fall colors which I saw yesterday:

And then, a butterfly sculpture I saw this morning. It is a butterfly made of butterflies:

And then, the swag I got for the Air Force Fight Fly Challenge. A medal for 5k, for 10k, for a marathon, and a bonus spinney medal for doing all 3. Two shirts, a patch and a bib.

Letter 10/5/20

 Dear Friends,

This evening, the president of the United States is saying how much fun the corona virus is, while sucking up drugs unavailable to the rest of us, unapproved by insurance companies. Meanwhile, in the interest of keeping myself safe of the corona virus, I quit my job.

I am finally Starbucks free, after nearly 2 years. I've cooked thousands of bacon goudas, brewed thousands of batches of coffee, taken out thousands of bags of trash containing near a million plastic milk jugs. Lugged thousands of buckets of ice from the back of the store to the front of the store. I've been obeying the orders of 23 year olds. Getting up at 3 in the morning to be at work at 4:30. It was humiliating, but I'm also proud of it. The job ripped my psyche in two. What is a millionaire doing working here, like this, in such humiliating circumstances? But look, I'm 61 years old and doing all this heavy lifting, time on my feet and keeping up with these babies I work with. 

So, it was awful and also great. But now I'm more ready to do what I retired to do: be a writer, scholar and athlete. I'm finally ready to live the non-corporate life implied by these activities. I'm determined to read Jean Paul Sartre whether the world knows anything about it or not. I'm determined to complete my leg lifts and bicep curls because it matters to me.

I'm entered in a real race on 10/31. First non-virtual race this year. I'm excited.

It is a beautiful time of the year. The trees are turning to fall. The weather has been clear and coolish.

Wear your mask and wash your hands. You are not the president of the united states but a single person responsible for yourself. No helicopter is coming to take you to the hospital.

Two snakes coiled together in the leaves:

Marine Corp Marathon

 I completed a virtual marathon yesterday. My Garmin clocked 5:59 for 26.7 miles (does not include pit stops). https://www.strava.com/activities/4125097680

During the pandemic, real marathon races have been cancelled. However, many of the really big marathons have offered a virtual option. The Marine Corp Marathon is one of these. The Marine Corp Marathon is so big that they have a lottery to get in and tens of thousands of people do the race. I don't think I would ever be interested in doing the actual race, but the virtual event offered a chance for me to get some good swag to add to my 2020 display.

Yesterday, the weather was fabulous in Kansas City. Crystal clear skies, coolish temps. Perfect for spending a day walking and jogging for 26 miles. I picked a beautiful park where I could pass by my car every 8 miles to replenish my drinks and gels. Overall, it was pretty easy to accomplish this distance. Honestly, n real races, I often wish I could cut the course and get it over with. But yesterday, there was none of that thinking, even though, yes, my feet are sore after about 18 miles. But I only looked forward, not away. 

I am running virtual marathons to make a 2020 display. I don't think I'd go 26 miles unless there was some virtual race on the line. Will I keep doing marathons next year? I don't know. Half marathons are much easier to manage, and I can run much faster. Half marathons are more like a race and less like suffer-fest. 

Next up: New York City marathon

New Life

 Butterflies are transformed beings.

Last Friday I had the very wonderful opportunity to meet with some friends in a park. From where I sat, I could see this sculpture of butterflies. It reminded me of new life. I was embarking on a new life.

I am newly unemployed, by my choice, having decided that my job at Starbucks was too dangerous during the pandemic. Since I quit my job, I could now meet with wonderful people and have interesting conversations.

Now I am free! I think that when I quit my career 2 years ago, I wasn't ready to be free. But now, I think I am. I know what I want to do and am doing it. I want to be a writer and I have more pieces in place now to be successful on a day to day basis. I mean, I now have the ability to focus and actually write for a few hours every day. 

In the above sculpture, butterflies are abundant. Abundance is how I feel about my life. Abundance in every area. All my cylinders are firing and there are eight of them not four. Eight cylinders is a lot of power. I feel inner power and outer power.

I have spent my life in transformation. The work was required for emotional healing. But now, I am out of the cocoon and ready to fly, able to fly, flying. 

COVID Close to Home

 I've known about the pandemic for months. I've been a careful mask wearer for months. But I hadn't encountered a person with Covid in real life until this month. It scared the shit out of me and my co-workers.

It turns out that an infected girl in the time frame of being contagious was at work. Where I work we wear masks, but we are not able to social distance from each other. And we touch each others tools and work stations. The girl was at work on a Monday, and experienced symptoms a day after being at work, a Tuesday, and did go to a doctor. Her initial Covid test was negative (taken too soon in the cycle), so the doctor gives her some medicine for symptoms and antibiotics (really? Doctor doesn't know shit). The girl develops a heart condition due to the medication and ends up in the hospital for 2 days. A second Covid test is positive. (Have these doctor heard that Covid affects the heart?) Sad situation for a 23 year old woman. 

This time line so far took 9 or 10 days. So the manager at work doesn't know about the positive Covid test until 10 days after the girl was at work and contagious. At first, the positive test has to be reported to a district manager (time taken). Then the approval was given to send home anyone in direct contact with the sick girl. Well, crap. These other people were at work, not social distancing for 10 days, not knowing anything about the sick girl. (Luckily, no one else got sick. Masks work I guess).

I didn't work with the sick girl, but I did work with everyone else. I heard about the exposure on day 11 when a guy on my shift was sent home. Even then, it wasn't the manager who told me. I heard parts of the story in the form of gossip over a head set.

That afternoon when I left work, I was pissed. I couldn't figure out the time line at that point but I knew it was 10 or 11 days when I finally heard the second hand information. I stayed by myself for 2 days. I was concerned because many of my friends are in their late seventies or eighties. Finally on a Sunday, day 13, I call my manager and ask her to explain the time line details to me. I need to know if I can go around other people safely. She explains what I wrote above.

My next work shift is that Tuesday at 11:30. At about 8 in the morning, I realize I am terrified to go into work. I look at all the pieces of this puzzle. I realize that there is not a chance in hell that our workplace can really be safe. Does a person know if they have contacted the virus? How many days are they contagious before symptoms? How many days until you can get a valid test, and then results? 

Now I've known about some of these facts, but you don't really understand how all these features play out until it happens in front of your eyes. Then you realize that you can't be safe at work. My answer was to quit.

I will also say that this girl turned up at work again on day 16. She still had symptoms. They let her come back because of a negative test. But actually, we don't know for sure that she was not contagious.

My co-workers were hot about this. The manager wasn't there today, so tons of conversation went on. I wasn't the only person to be afraid and angry.

Covid really sucks. It is a squirrelly disease. This time line will happen again because thats how the disease plays itself out. That is why I decided I was done with that work place. (Luckily, I have other options).

Everyone stop and think about the time line. Realize that you will get caught up in this Covid cycle at some point. It is inevitable that you will be exposed at some point. Lets hope you have a mask on and you wash your hands alot. Or you will be sick.

A Love Story

 One of the interesting and most cherished things about my sobriety is the people who I've known for 35 years. My life has moved around the country, but I have now settled in the place where I got sober and these people are still here. We are now all old. This story is about one of them.

As a 26 year old female, I entered the halls. I was single, pretty new to the mid-west, having come from California. Angry. Hateful. Shattered.

In the hall, I found people older than me, but much wiser. Every meeting was a discussion of wisdom I didn't have. I was new to it all. I admired these wise elders. By elder, I mean people in their thirties and forties seemed much wiser than me.

One of these people was a man named Milt. Milt had about 3 years in the program ahead of me. He was an engineer. About 50. He had a wonderful wife who was also in the program and very wise. Both of them had meaningful things to say. Their marriage and love was a thing I was jealous of, and dissed myself because I didn't have such a thing.

Milt had a habit of handing out hugs. He also always said, "Has anyone told you they loved you today?" And he, upon my no answer, would say that he loved me. That used to make me mad. I thought he was just saying it and didn't mean it. He had real love with his wife. I had nothing. No love for myself or anyone else.

Decades go by. Sometimes I attend that AA hall. Sometimes I'm living somewhere else.

When I moved back to town 2 years ago, I started attending a meeting where Milt always goes. Now I am 61 and he is 89. His wife passed away several years ago and he is a cancer survivor. He still drives himself around and lives alone. Since the virus lock down, he hasn't been out much. Last night was the first time he has been back to that meeting. It is a small meeting and every body there is old. Everybody has decades of sobriety.

Last night, as I came in and sat down, Milt came over. He had an angel coin that he wanted me to have and he said he loved me. The meeting went on. Milt sat there behind his mask, looking around the room. He shared on the Daily Reflections. We closed the meeting and left.

This morning, I noticed the angel coin sitting on my counter. I thought about Milt and this long history of saying he loved me. And I thought about the fact that Milt won't be around much longer, and he knows it. I realized that I believe Milt loves me. That Milt loves everyone and all of life. That love is really Love, it is everywhere and true for everyone.

So stick around AA. Keep improving your emotional sobriety. You too will come to know Love.

Fucked 12 Steps

 I just started reading Russell Brand's book "Recovery." I found this rendition of the 12 Steps. I think it would really help someone who doesn't want to admit they have a problem, or doesn't want the God shit. 

As someone with 35 years sober, I finally feel enlightened.

Here ya go: traditional 12 Steps on the left, Russel Brand's on the right.

I love it. 

Inspiration vs Doing It (Air Force marathon)

 In the past two days, I have listened to at least 3 hours of David Goggins giving interviews on Youtube. I knew of this guy from his ultra-marathon activities, but had never listened to his story. Well, it is an amazing story, a rags to riches story for a poor black kid. But he is different. I learned some stuff.

First, I learned the difference between being inspired to do something and actually doing the thing. I knew what he said but I had never focused on it in his way. Being inspired may get your ball rolling, but there will be suck. Don't just dream of the finish line, but put yourself in the moment of pain and imagine that, be ready for that. 

This is really a big point. I get inspired alot. But I don't always carry out the dream because it is a lot of work. Everything worth doing is work. You can receive and incredible business idea, but building and running that business is work. I can imagine the riches and glory. I forget to imagine getting through the work. 

Second, he said to get out of bed when you decided that you were going to, like when the alarm goes off, no matter what. Make yourself do it. That way, you are a winner of the battle over control of your brain first thing. You win one right away. 

So...

Getting out of bed can sometimes be difficult! Especially if it is for a voluntary activity. 

Today I had planned to run my virtual Air Force Marathon. Last night, I prepared my Gatorade and laid out my equipment and set my alarm. The alarm was not set too terribly early because the temperature was to go down to about 56F last night.

Would I make it out of bed? I frequently sleep very badly and that makes getting up very difficult. Goggins says to get up anyway mother-fucker. But I moderated my coffee drinking yesterday. And I did get some decent sleep. I slept enough to wake up at 3:15. And, well, my brain started thinking about running a marathon. So I got up at 3:45, 90 minutes before the alarm. A big win.

I was able to get started with my run at 5 am. It was cool enough for long sleeves. I had a full hydro-pak and I headed north on the long bike path. I loved it. An almost full moon. A completely clear sky. No cars. Deer. Raccoons. Coyotes yipping in the distance.  Part of my route went back and forth through a park so I got to enjoy the beautiful forest. It was cool enough that my hydro-pak lasted over 5 hours. So I got back to my house with 24.8 miles done. I refueled and then walked the last 2.4 miles to make a marathon. It was by then warmer and I didn't feel like stressing myself out.

Because the morning was so cool, I did more actual running and better pace than I was doing earlier this summer. I am very pleased that I got it done. Running 26.2 miles by yourself, voluntarily, can be hard. Yes, my feet and knees are sore at about 20 miles. At that point, it is some part of the mind that has to win over some other part, or you'll quit. I know because I've done that. 

Not a quitter today. I was more than inspired. I actually carried out the dream.

Strava

Yes, I have done other virtual marathons. There are other challenges on my plate which take more long range effort: writing a novel, going to college, reading difficult books, continuing to lift weights, continuing the coolish showers, eating a plant based diet. HaHa: Cold water on my naked body isn't killing me.

There might be a reason for me to do this. I read it in someone else's book. I'm not ready to write it in my own book.

Fall Schedule

 The corona virus is still here. So am I. I have been here longer.

This is the first week of my new schedule. The driver of this new schedule is my barista work. I now work in the afternoon instead of the morning. No more alarms at 3 am. Or exhaustion by 9 am. I now work from 1-5 or so.

Now, I have my mornings to use my brain for creative thinking projects, as well as do workouts before going to work. Typically: get up around 6:30, drink coffee and scroll through the headline on my phone, journal, meditate, today  read several pages of my difficult philosophy book, write several pages of my novel, go running, lift weights, shower, eat, go to work.

This actually seems like my ideal life. I was in such a circumstance this morning that a couple of pages of the novel poured out of me. It is amazing when that happens. I frequently happens when I have mornings to myself. My life has provided such circumstances.

Living the Dream

 When I was young, I was worried about how I would support myself. So when I went to college, I picked a career which had guaranteed employment. And I stuck it out more or less for the next 38 years. I moved around employers for various reasons, which kept me from being too bored or hateful of the men I worked with. I lived in a monastery for nearly 4 years, but ended up back in my career. I fit my life interests into the early morning hours, often rising at 3:15 am, or on the weekends. I never had more than 3 weeks of vacation.

But the career did its job from a financial perspective. I saved the money and got out at the earliest opportunity for financial self sufficiency.

My biggest lifetime dream was not to hike the Appalachian Trail. My dream was to continue to grow my intellect. The dream was to be a scholar and an athlete. I've always been an athlete. When I left my career, it was specifically to become a writer and fulfill the scholar part of the dream. I have done much writing and produced one body of material which could be a book, but I lack the writing muscles to get the book to the next level of development. My brain just doesn't know how to do the next parts, and so shuts down.

Through a strange and convoluted path, I applied to be a student at a local community college. I thought I was doing it to take prerequisite courses for a practical certificate in a medical specialty. This interest in this certificate had only occurred to me 4 days earlier and now I was already carrying out the idea. But after the application was submitted, I laid awake that night being pissed off over some administrative detail. I realized that continuing on this path would fill my life with administrative idiocy which would continually piss me off. 

The next morning, doing my usual meditation and journaling, I looked at that thick and difficult philosophy book sitting on the table in front of me. I really want to read that book. If I decided on this new career, that book would never get read. I'd be studying biochemistry and physiology instead. I would need to devote myself totally for at least 2.5 years to complete the certificate courses. 

I went for a run. The thought entered my head, "now that you have entered this college, you can take whatever classes you want." Wait a minute. Oooohhh! Wow! What an incredible thought. I didn't want to take any of the prerequisite courses. The college had many courses on English composition which I sorely needed if I was ever to get my writing act together. 

What if my spiritual guidance system had used this medical career path as the means to get me to apply to college? I don't think I would have done it had it been suggested straight forwardly.

I stood at a cross roads. A decision was to be made. Should I take the prerequisite courses and shove my life down a completely different, possibly annoying, medical career path? Or should I take English and achieve the goal of writing a book, which I had diligently worked on for the past 3 years? Throw away what I really wanted? I found myself interested in the English composition courses. When my acceptance letter came through on Monday, it took me about 30 minutes to enroll in an English class and pay for it. I felt amazingly wonderful and over-joyed about getting this done. 

I am now a college student. It fulfills my dream for my life. I always imagined that I would go back to school at some point and take courses which were interesting to me but which didn't provide lucrative careers. I am living my dream. I even joked about this with my Starbucks partners: athlete, writer, barista. Isn't that THE romantic notion of life that everyone wishes they could pull off?

I am living the dream.

Keep Breathing - 2020

 Last week was focused on my 35th sobriety anniversary. 8/8/85 is my sobriety date.

I love being sober and I cherish my sober adult life. I love the fellowship of AA. It is a spiritual fellowship offering unending spiritual growth and conscious contact with a power greater than myself. Alot of people weren't even born in 1985. It gives people pause when they ask about my shirt and what 1985 means. I got sober in the last century.

I have a friend who makes masks. She made me some coffee masks to go with my job at Starbucks:

Speaking of Starbucks, I finally got my manager to move me to the afternoon shift. Yay! No more getting up at 3 am more than once a week. Actually, Starbucks may have outlived it's usefulness to me. Moving to afternoons may be a temporary measure. Quitting is inevitable as my personal wealth continues to expand and the health insurance game becomes less necessary.

What interests me the most today? Coincidence x 3? Part 1 of this coincidence: COVID is a respiratory disease. One thing I became aware of a few days ago at work was that I was breathing through my mouth more when wearing a mask, especially when stressed during a rush. Don't do it. Keep that mouth closed and force yourself to breath through your nose. Do this consciously. Ensure your respiratory health by breathing through your nose. Part 2 of this coincidence: I started reading a book called "Breath" by James Nestor. Very interesting the health and longevity proposals related to breathing. And then, part 3 of this coincidence: My hero Courtney Dauwalter had to end her attempt at an FKT (fastest known time) of the 500 mile Colorado Trail due to acute bronchitis. She ended up in the ER on low oxygen. Yipes! I cried. Too much dry dusty air through the mouth. 

Something about breathing. Everybody, take a long deep breath in, hold for a beat or two, the long slow breath out. All the way in and all the way out. Just like sex. Don't hold back. Feel better? I do.

Fauci 2020

You heard the news right? The President of the United States is jealous of Dr Fauci. Why? Because Fauci was invited to throw out a first pitch and the president wasn't.

Lets pause a moment and reflect.

The president is jealous of Dr Fauci. Not because of the pitch, but because of the character of Dr Fauci. Dr Fauci got invited to throw out the first pitch because of his integrity. He has so much integrity, he can't be bullied by anyone like Trump. He has so much integrity that he can't be hidden in a corner, sued, purchased, threatened with his job. Nothing. Dr Fauci is untouchable.

Dr Fauci's integrity is something money can't buy. All of Trump's billions can't buy him integrity. Of course, integrity is essentially free. Anyone who wants it can have it. Trump doesn't want integrity but he wants the admiration which Dr Fauci has achieved honor and fame by doing the opposite of trying. Honestly, he is just doing his job. If only the president of the United States would do his job.

You realize that many many people in our country are like Dr Fauci. They have integrity. We have integrity. We can't be bought. Living an integral life is richness beyond belief. Power beyond belief. 

Retirement Appreciation

In March of 2018, I sent the following paragraph of resignation to my then corporate management:

"I will terminate my employment on  September 10, 2018 to pursue a more rewarding lifestyle. The technical content of my job, for which I show an aptitude and enjoyment, has diminished; replaced by an increase in administrative duties for which I am unsuited and which are of little interest. The performance system does not reward my technical competency. There is time wasted in this job in circular arguments, writing unread reports, performing extra work due to under-functioning and poorly trained colleagues; and my time is more valuable to me than to spend it doing this. I only have one life and I want to do something more productive with it."

I began my journey into Phase 3 of my life. Financially, the project is successful. I have more money than ever. But what about emotionally? What about finding a more rewarding life style or being more productive with my life?

Existential questions for sure. 

Over all, my emotional condition is very much improved. 

Rewarding lifestyle. Any life not spent in front of a computer doing paperwork for a corporation is an improvement. I don't have a TV so I don't sit on the couch. I love the forests which I have around me. I love doing miles. I love being an athlete.

Productivity: I left my career with the idea of completing a book. I left Texas with a large portion of content hand written. I was successful over the past two years in completing the  technical content of the book, 171 pages of it. Recently, I got the creative idea on how to shape the book into a work of fiction which many people would enjoy reading. I see another two years working on re-shaping the original book. Ever since I got that fiction idea, new paragraphs have been pouring out of me and I am having fun writing.

Productivity: Just being. Loving yourself just because you exist, not because of what you have to show for it. That is me, most of the time. Simplicity and essentialism feel good to me. I love life with less distractions for the purpose of connecting with my soul. I have focused on "just being" as a goal for many years. I hoped for it from my monastic life. I clung to is after my monastic life. The corona shut down brought it to me. It continues.

50k Endeavor

I signed up for another virtual race. This one consists of four distances, and if you do all four, your get a buckle. The longest distance was 50k. I did that today. It was an ordeal. For those of you that don't know, 50k is 31 miles, but I did 31.46 miles.

I started off at 4:00 am. It was a delightful morning, but I knew it was going to heat up. I wore the bib provided by the race, just to feel and look like I was in a race.

I ran the first 20.3 miles along bike paths near my house. They went really well due to coolish temperatures during the night and a small amount of cloud cover until 8:30 or so. I included the bike path in Hodge Park which goes north to south across the park. The first time I went across the park, no one was in the parking lot near the golf course start. The second time, about 50 men were there, some at the driving range. Some at the putting greens and many many waiting in carts. There was a veritable traffic jam of golf carts. I was not impressed by the golf scenery. 

After the first 20 miles, I took a pit stop at my house. It was by then getting hot and my feet felt like they had just run 20 miles. I battled with thoughts of quitting (its just a virtual race, who cares what you do), but somehow, I made it back out the door (I would know whether I quit or cheated and feel bad about myself). This time, I drove 2 miles to a park that had some trees, planning to do the rest of the 50k in the shade. I did it, but it did get hot, even in the shade. The last 5 miles, I only walked. 

It was exciting to see those last few miles get done and my Garmin slowly make its way to 31 miles. Especially since my brain was devising various ways of cheating. The honest finishing is so much sweeter when you realize how much your brain was working against you. But doing it was awesome. I did it!!

(I complain about the heat, but really, Missouri is not at all hot like Houston area where I used to live. )

I thought alot about this blogger named of Dixie of Homemade Wanderlust. She hiked the AT, the CDT, the PCT and a trail in Spain. I relate to her because she was an engineer who escaped her cubicle. I so appreciate that I am not in a cubicle, sitting at a computer all day. I had the courage to say, "this is enough money," and get out. 

I'm saving up all the virtual race swag I've been getting and making a little shrine to 2020 on a wall in my house. Four events done so far, and at least two more which I've signed up for, but they haven't started.

Unabashedly Awesome

Today I had an awesome 13.2 mile jog. The possibility was brought to me by clouds. Clouds kept the temperature down for most of the run. I didn't get started until 9 am, pretty late since it is summer and headed to 90F today. I slept until 8 am was the reason for the late start. I don't know why I needed 10 hours of sleep last night, but I got it.

Unabashedly Awesome?

I spent nearly this entire run thinking about both the 50k I plan to run on Monday, and the many years of running I have still to come. Being 61, it is unabashedly awesome to still be running. When I was a teenager, women didn't run marathons at all let alone 60yo. Remember those picture of women dragging their selves across finish lines, until Joan Benoit Samuelson came dancing across the finish line in an Olympic marathon. After that, it was game on. Now, more than 40 years later, it is still game on for me.

I am excited about Monday. Today I figured out a plan to get 7 plus hours of running into a single run. I decided to leave the house at 3:45 and drive to a nearby park. Park there and then run 9 or 10 miles home. Pit stop and refuel. Run 9 miles back to my car. Refuel, run on a park bike path/ trail while refueling for the balance of the run. 

As a runner, I'm unabashedly awesome, but as a human, my life is unabashedly awesome. My life has expanded into dimensions of good feelings which I hadn't felt before. I feel so good. Why? Spiritual processes. I do my spiritual processes.

I Got the Buckle

I virtually ran across the state of Tennessee. 635 miles.  got this buckle:

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Bad Ass Marathon

I have a friend who thinks I am a bad ass. I haven't known how to respond to that since I don't feel like a bad ass.

However....after today, maybe I do.

Wouldn't someone who has run, as of today, 100 marathons in her life be a bad ass? Or who ran a 100 mile race? Or became a millionaire? Or who finished monastic formation? Or successfully accomplished FIRE (financial independence retire early)? Or who had been sober for 34 years? Or hold down a job at Starbucks at the age of 62? Or, many other things I have accomplished in this life.

So, someone who completed a 600+ mile virtual race across Tennessee, in half the allotted time, ought to be a bad ass. 

Well, a few days ago, I did the math and saw that I was getting down to the end of my race across Tennessee.  A tiny thought went through my mind, "Do a marathon to finish it off." Along side of this impending finish was the fact that I had failed to complete a virtual marathon during April because when I had got to 22 miles, my feet hurt and I quit because a virtual race didn't mean anything.

Well that is a good idea: finish off a 600+ mile/ 2 month effort with a celebration by running a marathon. Be a bad ass! But also, I felt a little resistance because of that failure in April. Should I try this again? I didn't want to feel like a failure again. I haven't done that many miles in one run for awhile. Can I do it?

To sign up for the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee was an impulse from my inner being to begin with. It felt so right. And, 20,000 other people, and some dogs, have joined me. My success at carrying out the project was effected by alignment with my inner being. My energy was lined up with my inner being and momentum was generated to complete the project. In fact, I have been obsessed with getting miles every day, even walking on the treadmill to complete miles in the afternoon after a shift at work.

But, to do a marathon by myself, I needed more than a vague idea. I needed to strongly intend to do it. I needed emotional momentum. I needed to line my energy up with the idea. This means some practical activities like getting all my drinks ready the night before. Taping my toes. Setting my alarm clock. It is hot here so a person has to get up early to finish running a marathon. Still, I had to sit down with my journal last night and explore my fears. I had to complete a focus wheel to raise my vibration in relation to the idea. I had to segment intend by remembering how I felt during a 50 mile race last November when I had been in the zone and finished trouble free. I had to think honestly about this upcoming segment and my intentions for it. Was the idea an ego idea that would fail or an inner being idea which would succeed? It is up to me to decide and then  line up with the energy. These energy activities are to experience the success in advance so it is the cause. 

The alarm went off at 4 am. I did have to decide at that point whether to get out of bed. That has happened before too, not making it out of bed I mean. But I did get the idea of how I would feel if I completed a marathon versus how I would feel if I went back to sleep. I remembered how good it feels to run in the early morning coolness. I chose getting up.

I had a cup of coffee. The bad ass idea went across my mind. A bad ass has to get up early if she wants to do a bad ass thing. I did a meditation on physical well being. I felt much better. I felt like I just needed to be easy about it. I grabbed my hydro pack out of the refrigerator and made it out the door by 5 am.

I had planned to complete the marathon in two parts. First running from my front door and then going to a park with many trees during the hotter part. The first part went super well. It went so well that I extended it to 18.3 miles before getting back to home base. It was mostly cloudy and I felt appreciation that such a cool morning had been given to me. 

When I got home, it was still cloudy and I had to decide where to complete the run. To go back out from my house or go to the park. I thought about how clouds can suddenly vanish and I thought about how much easier it is to run in the shade. I picked the shade. So I hopped in my car and drove the two miles to the park. Good choice. The clouds did disappear and by the time I had finished off the final eight miles, it was 87F. Course map (the straight line from green dot to hash mark is in the car, but not included in miles):

What surprised me however was that my feet and legs didn't reach any devastating level of pain. For the run, I had plenty of emotional momentum to keep going, but also, I wasn't in trouble with blisters. I didn't bonk.My feet didn't hurt. My hip didn't hurt. It was amazing. It has been a long time since I have felt so in the zone for a long distance effort. 

The Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee is now complete. I will finish in roughly 1,590th place of 20,000. I feel like a bad ass.

Check out my run on Strava: https://www.strava.com/activities/3684757639

I have the corona virus to thank for my amazing athletic feats of the past 3 months. Without corona there wouldn't be these virtual races. Actually, the corona virus has been very good to me. Everything about me is thriving at the moment. My mode of existence has shifted. There are many people who are doing amazing things during this corona virus time. Not everybody is worried about sickness. Just look around you and you will see them.

Stay tuned. I have another virtual race coming in two weeks. It includes a 50k race which has to be done in one effort. 

Exciting Times

May 1st began the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee. The course was 635 miles from a lower western side of the state to the very tip of the state on the eastern side. As of yesterday, I'd completed 603 miles.

Wow !

Today I walked 6 miles. That leaves 25 more miles. I'm planning to do all those miles on Sunday in the form of a virtual marathon. A marathon to celebrate Virtuality. Vitality! 

A part of my brain believed that this virtual race is really a race and I should put as much as I could into it. And, whenever I am not at work, I really have nothing to do except go for walks. That's why I have finished 2 months before the deadline. Essentially, I did as many miles as I could for the past 2 months. I am really astonished at the number of miles I have completed. 

Only lost one toenail.  😁

I've loved almost all the miles. I love both the pathways through the forests and the pathways across wide open prairie. 

I don't know how to stop. So, I signed up for another virtual race which starts in the middle of July. It is a short one however: 4 different distances to be completed during a 7 day span. The challenge is that one of the distances is 50k. I'll have to get up early and try to get some big miles before it gets too hot.

I am putting my memorabilia from virtual races up on a wall. I want to remember this year of pandemic.