Who am I?

Strangely enough, I am not at a half marathon race today. I signed up a week ago when the temperatures didn't look too bad; but that changed. As of last night, the low was to be 20F plus a wind chill. I reconsidered the 3 hour drive and the 2.5 hours in the cold.... I didn't make it out of bed.

So that left me with time to relax this morning and regroup on my dreams. Yes, it is easy for hopefulness and creativity to get lost in the ordinary world.

It is new years weekend and this year, Across the Years 6 day race is being live streamed. I know several people in the race and saw them on youtube. I so wish I was an ultra runner. But, when my feet start to hurt, I always quit. I can't seem to get past the pain like others; and maybe that is smart. But I never got to the miles I wanted. Somewhere around 38 miles, I wonder why I am doing this. I do however enjoy my 7 to 10 mile runs I've been doing in parks here in Kansas City. So many nice bike paths and parks. I've really enjoyed myself. Is running who I am?

The jury is definitely out on my job at Starbucks. The store is always packed with people and even if we have enough baristas, we can't keep up and rush like crazy. My job is usually to supply baristas with what they need. It is an endless stream of: make more coffee, make cold brew, make iced coffee, make mocha sauce, get more vanilla, get more cups, get more ice, take out the trash, take out the trash, take out the trash, get milk, get lids, make more coffee, make black tea, get espresso beans, make green tea, make whipped cream, make sweet cream, get more frapp mix, wash the dishes, make cold water..... make cold water? There are two ways to make cold water, just to you know. Being busy makes the hours go by fast, but it is tiring and many mistakes are made. Sometimes I feel good after a shift, sometimes not. So, the jury is out. Is working who I am?

Part of the problem is me. I am so critical of myself. Yeah, main problem of my life. I could be outstanding and amazing on the outside; but terribly critical on the inside.

I get tired at work and then don't write. My novel languishes a bit. The app has languished. I need to gather momentum for these dreams. So, that is on my mind. How do I organize my life to have energy for carrying out dreams? Will I get used to Starbucks and then have more energy for other stuff? I don't know. The jury is out. Is writing who I am?

My other job, as a tax preparer, is tugging at my time. It will get into swing more the second week of January. This job has been on my retirement bucket list for over a decade, so I will definitely keep it. The question is do I keep Starbucks.

Part of why I left my career was to have time in this lifetime to do more than work. Discover my self. So you may find me trying a variety of things. I juggle my Artist Mind with my Critical Mind. I like these terms better than inner child and inner parent. Discovering is in the moment, but also over a period of time. We'll see how this goes. The Universe keeps sending me clues.

Christmas Dinner

Fancy table setting at Clyde monastery:

And the chapel:

Morning Pages

Yesterday, I discovered a new book, "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. For those of you in recovery, it does not mention AA, but it does mention that she got sober in 1978. And the book is filled with "higher power" and "spiritual experience."

I'm sharing this tool, Morning Pages, with you because I think is helps me to feel better. If you are an Abraham Hicks fan, I think this tool will help you to get on a high flying disk, write rampages of appreciation, get in alignment, stop doing that thing you are doing, get all the way to San Diego instead of stopping in Yuma and going back to San Antonio.

Lets review where I am coming from. I quit my job because I wanted to become a writer, yes. But also because I want to be the real me sometime before I die. The corporate engineer me is a logical brain construction and mainly exists to earn money and protect me from the world. Very little joy, or happy consciousness is allowed by the logical me. I'll be 60 in January. It is time to let go and find some joy in life. To find some happy reason for my existence. Yes, I can die as a millionaire, but did I experience The Universe's love for me?

Truly, I've sought Love for most of my life; and only caught glimpses. The logical brain always calls me down.

"morning pages are 3 pages of long hand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness..."

Right there, I become unstuck. I was trying to write a rampage of appreciation when I had none. Or I was taking my inventory and only feeling worse. Or trying to write a novel instead of getting in touch with me.

"These morning pages are not meant to be an art. Or even writing. I stress at this point to reassure the non-writers working with this book. Writing is simply a tool. Pages are meant to be simply the act of moving the hand across the page and writing down whatever comes to mind. Nothing is too petty, too silly, too stupid, or too weird to be included.
     The morning pages are not supposed to sound smart...."

But I will share further promises.

• All that petty stuff you write down in morning pages is what stands between you and your creativity.
• The morning pages are the primary tool of creative recovery.
• We are victims of our own internalized Censor who constantly criticizes us. The morning pages are a way to evade the Censor and find your Artists Brain.
• The morning pages are meditation because the stream of consciousness writing gives us insight and helps effect change in our lives. Moving from the logical Censor to the Artist Brain is meditation.
• We meditate to discover our own identity, acquire a connection to our inner self. Morning pages build a link to the inner creative identity. (What wouldn't I give to have that. I've spent my life wanting that.)

If you made it to here, google "morning pages" or go to the library and get the book The Artist's Way. I'm not going to type entire directions for morning pages here. But I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE INSPIRED. A being inspired feels good. Inspiration is good energy and I love it.

Today was my first attempt to get 3 pages written and I was successful. I couldn't do this when Abraham said to write 3 pages of a rampage of appreciation every day. Because, I don't appreciate that much or I am too afraid of the Law of Attraction looking in on my crummy thoughts and sending me more. Judgments and restrictions on my writing allow the Censor to shut everything down. And then I have nothing. But if I just free flow write with no restrictions or judgments, I find that the positivity does come out. Free flow writing is a way for me to dig myself out of my negativity. My negativity is mainly fear. My life has sort of mainly been about fear. What if I could dig out of feat and actually love being alive?

In any case, it felt good to let go and just write whatever. I feel better and that is important. This morning, I realized an important point: the life I created here in KC, post career, has room for the Artist and the point is that I need to learn who I am and be who I am. So working at part time jobs  with a hap hazard schedule does that. 

Also, I have created in my life some people I need. Like last night I met my tax office boss. But who I really met is a young guy who is extremely creative. By young, I mean really young. But he shared alot of his creative activities and explained why he like working for the tax office: to have time during the off season to be creative. So, I had the same life I have now 15 years ago, but went back into engineering because of the money. Also, 15 years ago, I had no creative projects so no reason to have a life with room for creativity. Now however, financial insecurity is not an issue and I do have creative projects. So, while this kid is my boss, I can surreptitiously watch a guy have a creative life. A real person, not a book author.

I feel inspired now. I feel good about my life. What could be more important than that?

Christmas on Shoal Creek

Today's walk was really nice and the little tree that someone decorated sparkled. I felt really good being outside. The air is so fresh and crisp here.

I am in a period of life where I feel good most of the time. I think it is because Abraham Hicks' (google that) teaching how to deliberately feel good. Like, yesterday at Starbucks, we got absolutely slammed. We were missing two partners and the store was filled with people the entire 6 hours I was there. So the 4 of us who were on duty were running the whole time. Driving home in my car however, I felt energized. While I was working, of course it was a struggle. You wouldn't believe how many bags of garbage I took out (making coffee drinks generates lots of garbage from grounds to milk bottles). I toted ice from the machine to the bar. I washed dishes. I made all sorts of sauces. But still, somehow, it feels good at the end of the day.

I know this because yesterday also, someone from my old career contacted me to inform me that my old boss was moving on and his job was posted. I did go look at the posting. But I felt no happiness at the idea of going back.

I'd rather focus on the real purpose for which I came to this time in my life. I want to be a writer. I have two writing projects. I know that I can engineer words and produce kick ass products. That's my path. Truly, everything is on that path. I just need to keep putting ink on paper, typing up the first drafts, connecting with helpful people, learning how writers publish and become successful. Not easy or quick but doable.

And in the mean time, enjoy the beautiful paths and my vibrant health.

Youthful Exuberance

Yesterday, I got up at 3 am to spend an hour on my writing project, clocked in at Starbucks at 4:30 am, spent the morning making coffee and taking out the trash, clocked out at 11 am and did shopping quickly for my Secret Santa project, went to a noon meeting because I wasn't tired yet. After the meeting, went home to eat and rest. Then work online for my other job for 2 hours, then suddenly remembered I had a WordPress 101 class so ran off to the library for the class. Got home at 9 pm. Wow! I actually spent more time working at various jobs than I would've at my old job. I'm surprised that a 60 year old is still going this strong.

People think that since I retired, I don't do anything. But now, I'm not chained to one one job all day so have time to fit in many jobs. I'm more energetic than ever since a corporation is not sapping all my energy.

But here's the thing: I felt exhilarated about this day. I was energized by it; not exhausted. Not locked in an office, not bored. I am happy shifting around between various work activities, being flexible. If this busyness is retirement, and it looks pretty busy for the next 5 months, I'll take it. I retired to have more fun and enjoy my life; and that's what my current work gives me.

I got to run for over two hours on a trail today. It was a beautiful day and I love my new trail shoes. Slippery mud? Bring it on!

Merry Christmas

Here's where I'll be:

Wishing everyone alignment with their inner being for the new year.

Just Like I Thought

Howdy Folks!

Hey guess what?

This year, my Christmas stocking is hanging in a Starbucks:

Yeah, thats me. Barista!

For as long as I can remember, I had envisioned retirement as being downsizing and working part time. And that is exactly what has happened. What is a surprise are the writing projects I have going on. Plus the ability to go running on park trails during day light ( spent the 38 years of my career running at 4:30 in the morning).

I have been very happy the past few months since leaving my career. I can't explain why I couldn't stand my career for even one more day. I can explain why I had to get out of Houston (all health related). My attitude about my career sucked and I couldn't go on living like that. So I am glad I changed my venues.

Now, I drive off to work in a snow storm and feel like the luckiest and happiest person on earth. Obviously I feel that way from the inside; not because it is that much fun driving in the snow, or having a job where you take out the trash and make coffee. I just feel better. I feel free. I love my access to trees and wooded pathways.

Besides Starbucks, I also work for H&R Block. I've never worked harder to get a job! You have 60 hours of education plus examinations. And the first year won't be such a big deal as far as pay goes. But after the first year, you have clientele and you make commissions. Eventually, this will be my only occupation. At HRB, I find myself in a leading edge electronic environment. It is exciting to be using the latest; stuff like Watson!

I urge anyone: the instant you can live on a small bit of grocery money, you should down size and shift your life so you have time to enjoy yourself and the world around you. Don't stay employed just for health insurance. I assure you, there are health care solutions and you don't need to be trapped in a corporation. Don't wait for social security retirement age; take social security early if you have to. Get a smaller house if you need to. Don't stay in your corporate job because of the stock market. Life is for living. Give yourself the gift of life as soon as possible.

Last night, I was in a class with about 25 new tax preparers for this region. I noticed several people just like me: tired of the corporation, tired of being in jail 40 hours a week, but not ready to quit. So we have all crafted out individual lives of freedom, doing what seems fun.

Today I went for an 8 mile run and tomorrow, I hope to have time for 12 miles. Then, a Christmas party in the afternoon. I bought myself some new trail running shoes for Christmas.

I love my life and myself for the first time ever.

Hit the Trail Sunday

Yesterday, I had a really great run along Line Creek. I rained for about one hour of the 2+ hour run, but I was dressed for it. It was enjoyable to actually run the whole time; not having to put in walk breaks because I was so hot, as I did in Houston. And to run on hills. I can't tell you how much I enjoy hills.

Today, I went for low impact trail running. Trail running is good for using more muscles than you do when running on roads because of the tricky footing and needs to balance. I enjoyed today.

The Value of $96

I noticed today that my new employer deposited $96 in my bank account. It was for a few hours of working; and I am satisfied with the pay. You better believe that I felt proud of and happy with that money because I have to pinch myself that I work at that place. When my former employer deposited $x,xxx every 2 weeks, I barely noticed or cared. Today I said, "wow! Look! Company X deposits money to my account." I felt happy and I could see a satisfying life stretching out before me.

Come down in the world eh? Yes thank the Light. My life is not about money at this point. It is about living the dream. I am satisfied with the progress of the dream.

Waiting for the Snow

My intention for the day is to go for a walk in a snow storm. I will get what I want. In another hour or two, it will be snowing and I will get all bundled up and go outside. There is something about a long walk in the snow which is necessary for my life.

In addition, I've spent the morning reading about God. Also, this is Thanksgiving weekend. I went for dinner to the monastery and had a nice meal. Since moving to KC, I've spent a good deal of time reading my diaries from when I lived in the monastery. I am trying to understand what happened. How did my emotional condition get so distraught?

This morning, reading about God, meditating, waiting for a snow storm, I wonder if there is no answer to the question. It just was. I just am. Which brings me to what I really wanted to say at this moment.

My life just now is only an existence. I am just being. People who are just being do need to buy food at the grocery store, and go to work to earn a little money; but there isn't so much of a long term agenda. In my career, I had an agenda. It drove me crazy with its desire to get from others. So now I have stepped away.

My entire life it seems has really been about wanting to know God. Clearly I know when that search began and all the things I've tried to know God. Today I will know God in a snow storm. It seems that I need to decide each day to just be, which also means to allow. I allow God to love me and I receive the love, however that looks. Today, it is a snow storm. I'm excited about that.

I had to come to the place where I am in order to just be. Or explore just being in more detail. I wanted to just be in the monastery; but really, I wasn't doing that. It is easier for me to just be here outside the walls. I have realized that I don't need to fix myself any more. It is better to focus on allowing universal love, a feeling of satisfaction, ease and flow. Focus on letting my cork bob.

I am trying to learn the difference between appreciation and gratitude. Think about it. Why should this matter?

Pilgrim Pacer 2018

I ran a half marathon on Sunday. It was cold:

The Universe Responds

Do you remember how you felt when some coincidence happened to you at the exact right time; so that you knew there was some greater force at work which was helping you? You needed a boost that day and you got one! Some call this big magic. I am going to tell a story of magic today.

Spiritual stories are hard to tell because the meaning is a feeling of knowing. The feeling comes about as a result of a myriad of thoughts suddenly snapping into place to form a clear picture.

Right now, fresh from the sudden realization, I know that my feelings are telling me that the Universe does respond to deliberate thinking and that I am in alignment with my inner being. I gained enough of the receptive mode, through deliberate thinking, to receive what I needed. So stop the worry and self criticism. Spend the time on deliberately feeling good. Think deliberately positively and the answers will come. And if the answer is "not yet," then you feel very trusting, and believe that Life is Good (see story which now begins).

I didn't sleep last night. My brain was attacking me over an unresolved issue. The result was a feeling of failure and self denigration. Early this morning, I had a chance to talk briefly with a man familiar with the law of attraction about my specific issue. What he replied was what I was already practicing, so I felt ok about that. That helped.

Then I asked inwardly what I should do next. I decided to go for a long hike in a forest which I hadn't been to for years. While walking, I was practicing appreciation and practicing feeling generalized satisfaction. Then I drove downtown to pick up a race packet. While there, the race director, who I hadn't seen for several years, gave me a hug.

Driving downtown took me off my normal flight pattern; and there was a bit of timing to exactly where I was at what moment. I noticed a jeep pass briefly in front of me. Its wheel cover said, "Not all who wander are lost. Life is good." I had seen the "Life is Good" on many jeep wheel covers; but not the "All who wander are not lost." The phrase struck a note in my mind. I have a writing notebook with that phrase on the cover. Since the notebook is hand made, I had thought that the man who made my book had made up that phrase. As of today, I see that the phrase has a larger meaning.

So, I'll give you a clue: pay attention to these little things.

I got home and completed a couple of chores. Then I crashed on my bed with a book. This is my preferred "escape from myself" position. After a bit, I stood up. Shoot, I want to be a writer and I should be working on writing right this minute; instead I'm vegging out on the bed.

I got my lap desk and writing notebook intending to put ink on the page somehow. At that moment, I became curious about the phrase "All who wander are not lost." My ipad was right there so I looked it up. AH HA!!!!! The Universe is talking to me today. Today when I really need some spiritual support.

The phrase is from a poem by J.R.R. Tolkien found in volume 1 of The Lord of the Rings, chapter 10 "Strider", in a letter written by Gandalf to Frodo speaking of Strider:

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

The poem gives me a deeper meaning of the phrase. I felt like I was being told that while gold, I might not glitter. I'm not lost even though I feel like I have wandered off the well trodden path. My deep roots are fine. I shall arise from the ashes. In other words, I felt touched by the Universe with a message of hope and assurance to keep going on my path.

This message reached me on a day when I needed to hear from my higher self. I occasionally fall off an inner emotional cliff. The cliff is: not trusting that I am able to hear inner guidance and follow it when making daring moves; and criticizing myself for not doing "it" right. What is "it"? It is metaphysics, the law of attraction, being in receiving mode of guidance from my inner spiritual self.

I've had my notebook for several months now, but it was just today that I got a hint of a bigger message. Timing. Big magic has timing.

I am something of a wanderer from the ordinary path of life. Trading a lucrative secure engineering career to become a writer is certainly not the normal thing to do. At this time, I am years away from being a published writer, if ever. I am practicing being a writer but I am like a first grader learning an art form.

Here at the beginning, it is very easy to let go of a long long project which has very little hope of success anyway. Wouldn't it be easier to quit trying to learn a new craft, to quit the pursuit of the creative life; and just work a few more hours at my regular job?

I can't get what I want out of life if I don't seek. So I wander for the sake of the search. I accept the message of spiritual connection in order to enhance my knowing of my inner being. That inner relationship is all I really have anyway.

Maybe I jumped ship in Texas too soon. I wasn't ready. Now all I can do is play catch up. But I am on the right path.

I need to vibrate in the vicinity of my higher self; to receive its guidance and timing, to hear its hints, to get a glimpse of deliberate creating, to see that the Universe is love. A message about "All who wander are not lost," and the timing of its arrival when I needed it, is just such an assurance I need from the spirit world to continue my spiritual pursuits.

Don't quit before the miracle. Life is good.

Riding the Rocket

A story of positive momentum.
The Law of Attraction: that which is like unto itself is drawn

It was a Saturday morning. I was sitting on the stool in a nice hotel room in Dallas. I think about what is about to occur: an Abraham workshop, and my heart suddenly goes crazy; thumping madly as if for a job interview. Maybe it is. I have expectations for the day: will I get called on? Will I experience tremendous emotions? Or not?

I calm down, take my bag out to the car and go reserve my seat in the workshop. The seminar is at 9. The room opened at 7. I got in line at 6:50. There were a few early birds who got there before me. I did get a front row seat. It should tell you something that people strive to get front row seats. It is not like church or school or seminars where no one wants the front row. I want to be as close as possible to see Abraham; and if I get called on, it will be easy for me to walk up.

Having now 2 hours before the show would begin, I walk into the Galleria mall to Starbucks. I use my new partner card for the first time. It worked! I am in the computer. I bought a latte and a protein box for 30% off.

What brings me to this room is a decades long desire to know my higher self. I was introduced to Abraham a little over a year ago and those teachings really improved my love for myself, trust and confidence in my self, ability to dream a creative and fun future. After many many YouTube videos, I am now going to see in person.

The room began to fill. We are in a huge hotel ball room and I guess at least 500 chairs. The room is filled with high energy. We all watch the countdown clock on the screen. The room explodes as Esther (Abraham) comes out. The workshop consists of a brief opening by Abraham and then conversations between Abraham and participants. We have all watched many videos, some for more than a decade. Some of these people have been to many Abraham workshops, but also, many of us are first timers.

What Abraham says is a help to deliberate creation of a life experience. The whole teaching is on how to use the Law of Attraction. Most people think that the Law of Attraction is for those greedy people who want to be wealthy (so?). However, today's workshop focuses more on the thoughts which are the manifestation, not the things. That is because things only interest us for a little, while the journey of creation is very fascinating.

My experience is shaded by the me I brought to the workshop. Habitual feelings of being less attractive than others, as well as my habitual trashing of experiences not being good enough, color my ability to have joyful experiences and fully receive what is given by the Universe. And so, I just start from where I am and work up the positive scale.

The day is only 4 hours of conversations with Abraham. I pick up on several phrases: ease and flow; satisfaction; make satisfaction my practiced vibration; be under the influence of my higher self; joyful expansion; joyful journey; joyful purpose; don't be so serious; savor the birthing; its about thoughts turning, not so much the things.

Of course, this blog can't reproduce this experience. I can share my feelings. During the workshop, my thoughts kept going over the idea that I am riding a rocket into the Universe, a creative world which is now my life. My higher self just kept saying this over and over: you are riding the rocket, just stay aboard. I struggle to stay on the rocket. Listening to Abraham, I felt a moment of knowing what ecstasy is, and that some part of me lives in ecstasy. I can allow this. This feeling was a knowing of something I carry inside; not an emotional dopamine hit, which the human me always wants. See what a dichotomy that is: human me wants euphoria before it will believe; while deliberate creating me generates the knowing of a world greater than the human world and true ecstasy is there.

Driving home, I realize the both / and of my personality. There is the habitual negative self punishment: I didn't get called on so I must have done it wrong. There is the continual positive thoughts: I am on my journey, supported by Spirit, moving forward creatively. Just keep riding the rocket. Enjoy. I am a joyful manifestation.

Now, the morning after, I realize that I have received a subtle energy shift. There wasn't a huge dopamine reward. The human part of me wants to trash me because of that. More quiet is the knowing of an improved vibration. Soon after getting up, I know that I'm not quitting my quest for growth and expansion; to make something of my life, to actually live it. I realize that how I feel right at this instant is a choice: I can choose to trash my experience; or mine the gems, remember the gems, receive what my higher self had to give me. As I choose the positive aspects, I feel better. Feeling better is what we want. Positive momentum. I did and am now generating positive momentum.

I am grateful to Abraham. The whole room was grateful to Abraham. We are all living at higher energy than before meeting Abraham. We all feel better about ourselves because of Abraham.

How Do You Know?

How do you know that taking a risk was the right thing? You will. Knowing is a feeling. Pay attention. There will be moments of clarity even though the results of your decision are years away.

Two months ago, I quit my 6 figure engineering job to get a part time job as a barista and pursue a writing project. What idiot does that?

Here is a story about the past few days for me and how I received messages from my spiritual self.

There is a situation I was anticipating; an author sending me some books. But it wasn't happening very fast, so I forgot about it and decided he had forgotten me. Then they came, on a Friday, in the mail. I had quit being annoyed (annoyance is resistance if you are using the law of attraction) that so and so hadn't sent the books and let go; then they appeared. Metaphysics in motion. The art of allowing.

That evening I stood in my kitchen and looked at the package. Somehow it was a profound moment of the universe sending me a message. I felt it. I was holding the package unopened in my hands knowing that some weighty moment would occur related to these books. Not only do the books contain inspiring words for me on my journey, the Universe's message is along the lines of both let go (stop resisting) and don't give up (allow). Let go so the Universe can do it's job. Don't give up on believing the miracle will happen.

Inside the package are two books signed by the author. He had sent them for free. One of them is small and leather bound. Opening the package and looking at the books, I am again reminded of how much work I have to do on achieving my desired writing lifestyle. To be an author, you have to write. And it takes a few years to develop your skill. I can do it, but I have to do it. It is up to me. And I plan to do it with The Law of Attraction, plus many keystrokes as words come into being.

It was a long journey from high paid engineer to creative-writer-in-progress. About 2 years of discernment: what is my spiritual self calling me to? Do I stay in this engineering job, collecting a huge salary, but being bored and frustrated? Or do I follow my creative idea, give my life to it, let my spirit soar? How much financial insecurity can I stand? How can I get health insurance after I leave mother corporation?

I landed with a crash in my new life as a writer. Mother corporation used to take care of everything and now I was on my own. I didn't realize until I got here how much brain time can be devoted to finances until that was all I had. My house in Texas hadn't sold. The stock market had crashed. My house in Missouri needs new coils for the heat pump. I didn't want to live with those worries as my only consciousness. Why was I creating such a downward slope? The question still plagued me: What have I done? What idiot quits such a high paying job to pursue an idea? Was the Universe really speaking to me? I was waking up in the night with cortisol pouring out of my brain into my body over the financial issue. Return to the law of attraction. Rely on Source energy, not the money in this world

The two books went onto the table, unopened, to wait. I had library books on writing which needed to be read first, before their due dates. Saturday night I went to a group celebration. I ended up at a table where I met a lady that also wants to be a writer, only she is about 3 years ahead of me. She immediately started discussing writers groups in this area and some of the other things that writers need to go through. She wanted to get together so I had her put her information into my phone. It was a moment of gift. I had sat at the one table where I would meet someone who could help me on my journey. Intuition? I choose to believe that yes, it was intuition, and intuition is how my spiritual self speaks to me.

Sunday evening, I took one of the books, "Look Ma, Life's Easy; how ordinary people attain extraordinary success and remarkable prosperity" (Ernie Zelinski) into the bathroom and started a little reading. You know, in order to cram one more book into my day, I read on the stool; luckily I am a girl so there is more time sitting there. The story starts out with a person of color who is down and out about how he doesn't have any white privilege and how unfair life is. He meets a rich man who is trying to encourage him but the poor guy will have none of it. Then the poor guy finds a small leather bound book in a bathroom. "Life's Secret Handbook; reminders for adventurous souls who want to make a big difference in this world." It appears to be a very valuable book, left by accident. He looks inside. Inside the front cover is a hand written note:

"To whoever winds up with this handbook: You are privileged to own a copy of only 500 printed; billions on this planet do not own one. It is no accident that this handbook has found its way to you. Your duty is to put it to good use. Open this handbook at random and reflect on the content. Perhaps the words on the page you arrive at will be of life-changing significance to you. Please share what you learn with others. -- Traveling Monk from the Himalayas" 

The book is a collection of proverbs. The first proverb, still reading from Look Ma Life's Easy while sitting in the bathroom, says: "Every great accomplishment in the history of humanity started with one small thought. We all have these thoughts. Few people do anything with theirs, however. What do you intend to do with yours?”

Bammo! WTF! I own one of the 500! That is what the other book I haven't looked at is! WTF! Holy crap! Big Magic just hit me in the face!

Me and my idiotic idea that I would quit my job and follow my idea and see that it came to life. A message! I just got a message. Yes, I should do what I am doing. Chills went through my body and I got a euphoric feeling. The law of attraction: I am attracting other like minded ideas.

Sunday night was another sleepless night. The message had not fixed my uncertainty yet, I guess. In the night, I was at least productive by reading Anne Lamott's book "Bird by Bird" which is about how to write. Early in the morning, I had a successful spiritual workshop with the law of attraction before tackling tasks. I had to fill out many online forms for Starbucks (my new employer). I had to do some homework for my tax preparation class. Then I tackled an application for affordable health care. For some reason, I was extremely anxious during the application process with my body shivering uncontrollably. I noticed the emotion and wondered what energy in my system I was touching; metaphysics in motion again. But finally I got through all the questions and got to the Success! screen.

I can't explain why, but in that moment of accomplishing the health care, I suddenly felt like everything was not only true but all right. Somehow, clicking the final button was an act which suddenly opened my mind to knowing: yes, I am on the right path. All that discernment and decision making was not a mistake. Just walk the path. Whatever I need will be provided. My house in Texas is an asset. There are no worries regarding it. It will sell at the exact right time. I feel this huge drive to work on my writing. Ideas abound and I begin to think all the time about new concepts: plot, characters, narrators...

Feeling these positive energies and affirmative intuitive thoughts is huge. It is Big Magic. It is my soul speaking to me, encouraging me. I wanted to make more of my life than sit in a chemical plant and earn money. Something more. Something creative. I was willing to risk everything. Put all my skin in the game. I so appreciate those moments of clarity, gifts from the spirit world. Appreciate these and you'll get more of them.

On another note:

I voted today. I vote at a community college. They must have had a huge geographic area going to that location.Standing in a long line, some of the line out in cold temperatures, you get to see the largely silent population which upholds this country It is the population which has jobs and pays taxes. It is mostly white suburban native born. They mostly live frantic lives of working and family, without much time for making noise. But they will today. They do care about integrity and honor. They wish to see good character in Washington. They want to see government for the people not totally for the corporations. Unfortunately, we are all voting based on incomplete information. Aside from a total anarchist implosion, I don't think we can dislodge politicians who are in it for the money.

The Law of Attraction

Here is an unbelievably cool incident involving the Law of Attraction. If you don't know about the Law of Attraction, I suggest listening for awhile to Abraham Hicks on the subject. Or the movie "The Secret."

Formally, Law of Attraction states "that which is like unto itself is drawn."

So, phase 3 of my life, years 60 to 90, rely heavily on consciously creating my reality. I am going from a corporate job, sustained by mother corporation to being a sole proprietor / creative artist sustained by Source Energy. It is a big change, largely enabled by the teachings of Abraham Hicks.

So, I landed in my new life with a crash. The market is down and my house isn't sold. My life long fear of financial security is around. I am a upper middle class raised American, and trained to think always about money. After all, houses and college and cars and etc are not that cheap. Anyway, my new life involves transferring my reliance to Source Energy in a very direct way. I need to learn to use the Law of Attraction and consciously create my reality.

Abraham has a technique of spending $100 emotionally every day as a means of creating the emotional environment of prosperity, and prosperity will flow to you (  The Money Game ). While I was out walking today, I asked myself how I would emotionally spend $100. I didn't get too far with my emotional trip because all I ever want to buy is running shoes. So my brain switched to mulling over the formal statement of the Law of Attraction, using Oprah Winfry's voice in my head since I heard her say it. And I was thinking about words which give me a positive feeling.

As I am walking, I notice lots of little white scraps of paper littering the side walk. Then I notice that each one is a copy of a $100 bill. Suddenly I practically yell, " F**k." If Abraham can have a game about spending money, I can surely pick it up off the sidewalk. My brain doesn't actually know the difference between these copies and the real thing; and I get the emotional experience of picking up money that easily. So I start picking up all the $100 bills. Then I am walking along the street counting them. I have over $4,000 and still counting when the phone rings. It is my future employer offering me a job!

No sh!t. I got the offer just as I was counting the free money off the street. Law of Attraction worked. I set up my emotional condition, clearly I was in the receptive mode, and then the Universe responded with a job offer.

One of my thoughts while I picked up the money was to show the Universe that I could see positive aspects. I am not blinded. Richness is all around me, free for the picking up.

So, now my life is set for a few years: part time job with benefits, learning to be a writer and going to school part time (free tuition from my job). Living sweetly in my little house. Enjoying creativity.

The Path

It had been an emotional morning. Not that anything in particular had happened to create emotions. These were the type of emotions that rise up when one has space and time. The sort of anxiety for no reason, but which picks on some minor issue of human life. The type of emotion which plagues the quiet emptiness of the solitary soul.

As usual, attempts to focus thoughts or quiet thoughts were initiated. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. No phone call. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. 5 minutes. Still no e-mail.

Emotion is thought. Reach for a better feeling thought they said. I did. I just could hang on. Better thoughts disappeared as my feelings were too slow to grasp them. The crowd of anxiety moved back in.

And so the forest called. The forest had a nice path, beautiful trees and clean air for lungs that need to breathe deeply.

The path is cemented. Someone has brushed off the first batch of fallen leaves. The intense crackling of a foot landing on dry leaves is gone. Walking proceeds in silence.

Many leaves have fallen. Those still hanging are mostly brown with some green or yellow. Here and there, a gem, an orange maple. The orange takes my mind and stills all thought except for a wordless awe. Orange against a bright blue sky.

The path is neither flat nor straight. One cannot see beyond the next curve or over the next hill. The trees line the path in untamed existence. The old fallen ones left to rot amongst the living.

And rocks. A creative person has been here. Along the path, little piles of shale pieces. That mound looks like a man. That mound looks like a bench. That mound should fall over but doesn't.

Cold weather has silenced the cicadas. Beatles crawl cross the path. Daddy long legs. Don't step on the bugs. Rustling in the leaves is squirrels. Water falling over rocks soothes. Stop to listen to the water fall. It is a real sound, the real thing. Not an app. Pause and listen.

Then head back to the car. A purposeful brisk walk has helped the lungs to cleanse the body The forest has absorbed the emotional energy. The idea of serenity is the mood received.

Super Saturday

Today is a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the 60s. I decided to go to Weston Bend State park for my run. It is hilly. I did 5 laps of the 2.75 mile loop. Here is a video of a beautiful orange tree.

This week I continued to work on my writing project. To augment this work, I got a book from the library on the business of writing. How to be a writer. And I had to rededicate myself to putting my energy into this new phase of my life. Recreating my life is really what I was trying to do  with so called retirement.

So called retirement: well, I did get hired by a sporting goods store to be their part time "Running Specialist." That so plays into my personal brand. And I get to wear a radio. I also have an interview on Monday at Starbucks. The reason for that is that Starbucks has some awesome benefits for part time employees. We'll see. I am open to all creative opportunities, but need to leave space in the schedule for writing.

Overall, my life is enjoyable. Part of the reason for so called retirement was to enjoy my life some time before it is over. So if I get to run in a park for 8 miles every day: Success. That and connect with people. That and spend 2 hours or more a day in spiritual work. You could say that my life is exactly what I wanted.

Facing Inward

Yesterday marked one month since I quit my job. One month of moving, unpacking, beginning new things. I knew when I began this life that it was out on the edge of the norms of my social class. That is, what is considered financial security and what is considered success in occupation. I took my dog out of the race.

Yesterday was really the first day where I sat in my kitchen in the morning and felt peace. There were no pressing issues, like needing to go to the license bureau or do homework. So I could remember, experience and feel good about my dream. My dream is an existential dream; it could be monetized but that is not really its point. Actually, I wanted subsistence living so I could have time for existential pursuits.

It is a new way of being for me. I have a life. I have life itself. I have time for inner connection, reflection, just being.

Money anxiety lurks. Not all is perfect nor is the buffer invincible. I feel the emotion of scarcity. This emotion is taught. It is not real in my case. This feeling is in fact what I want and need to generate in my subsistence life. I wanted to make just such a discovery as I made this morning. Money anxiety is just a form of general existential human anxiety. This general existential anxiety drives some people to achievement in order to hide from it. It drives others into addiction to hide from it. I want to heal it for myself and for mankind.

I remember my dream. It is a dream of knowing my depths, human depths. There is no way to find your depths without facing the inner. The inner seems to be filled with the demons of emotion . Maybe under the demons is a void, an emptiness, a silence of truth. My dream is to find this. So I have to proceed with a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety is my soul's sand paper; the constant reminder to let go and remember Source energy.

I think, "My new life, my dream." This thought gives me energy and hope. I feel better. Not hope for security, but hope for inner knowing. I absolutely must find the inner before I die. I feel good thinking about this.

Retirement week 4

Don't worry, I won't keep weekly reports forever. I do it now because I am so damn happy still.

Tonight I went to my first class at the library; and it was really good. And they are so friendly and eager to help anyone. Such a great resource.

Today, I went to a new trail, Line Creek. This trail wasn't there when I lived in Kansas City before. I really enjoyed it. And, I fixed my toilet. That was exciting because it was really easy.

One of the reasons I retired was to have more time to work on my writing projects. Each day I spend 2 to 3 hours either writing, doing research or now learning about the business end. The original writing part still goes quite slowly but at least I don't have to shut it down in order to go to work.

I am also enrolled in tax school. I have class twice a week and several hours of homework in between. Our first mid-term is this week so tomorrow will be spent studying for that. I think doing taxes will be a good gig; and probably will find another gig.

I've been spending about 2 hours or more a day either jogging or walking. Some days I've gone as much as 20 miles. And I finally got my other exercise equipment and weights set up, so I add that in also; especially on days when there is no class. I am signed up for a 24 hour race in 3 weeks so I am trying to balance time on feet while moderating the running part to prevent injury.

12 step groups are more like spiritual fellowships than whatever you saw on TV about AA meetings. I have reconnected with the AA group I got sober at 33 years ago. It has been exciting to see many of the same people, plus new ones. I was promptly asked to be archivist; and said yes. Service work is important.

I am living on the edge of a new life, discovering new ways of being in the world. I have old beliefs that need to dwindle away. I practice new ways of loving. Letting go of the hustle and strict scheduling. I don't think about my old career hardly at all; and it is very easy to notice when an old resentment comes up so it can be shut down before it gains momentum. What is frequently on my mind is the explanation to myself of why it was financially ok for me to quit my career. Just today, I suddenly realized how much of the day had been spent going over these facts in my mind. Now that I am aware, I can switch channels to the one playing my fabulous future. This work of controlling my thoughts is important because I create my own reality.

Once again, I recommend to anyone who wants to create a fabulous future life, check out Abraham Hicks on YouTube.

Retirement - Week 3

The alarm went off and I got up. And so I have time this morning before running off to accomplish administrative tasks. I had time to reflect on my life and my career; ending in gratitude.

I'm still in a little bit of shock for what I have done. Did I really give up a career and move away? The decision and implementation of the plan took more than a year; but now that it happened, it feels like an impulsive move. But I still agree with it. I needed to move my life on to a different environment.

When I came squirting out of college, it seemed all systems were go for a magnificent and successful career. I had been elected outstanding senior. I had been elected president of engineering societies and leader of a senior project team. I could have got a job anywhere. As soon as I hit the corporate world, something was wrong. I didn't fit exactly. Oh, I am a great engineer, just not really able to commit to a corporation. I didn't really want to work as much was expected. I didn't really care that much how many pounds of product went out the door. "Business" didn't excite me.

My career never made it above technical expert, and then technical expertise became boring futility. I couldn't stand the dead beat managers, lack of recognition and opportunity for creativity. Still, and always, I had more energy invested in my private studies and running endeavors. Privately, I was achieving. At work, I was earning money. So, I guess my career gave what I wanted: money.

Onward. Suddenly, here I am in Missouri and wondering how this happened. That is a long story, yet to be fully unraveled and appreciated. But I still need to move forward. I truly want to do more with my life. So....

Today is exciting. I went to the license office and took care of business. Then I went to the library. OMG! They have so much help for small business and writers. They even have people to help you. They have a book printing machine. They have classes and groups. I got a book! Not knowing anything about running a small business, even a business with only 1 employee has been bothering me. I'm so ignorant of everything. Now, I have a fantastic resource. I know where I will start to learn.

Nothing can stop me. Incredible.

Notice how excited I am. I am excited about my writing project and it was for this that I quit my day job.

Rampage of Love

Early yesterday morning, as I was deciding whether to get out of bed, the word "love" popped into my mind. Maybe that word alone was why I got out of bed. In my writing practice, I decided to write on this word and see what came out.

At this time in my life, I am in a dopamine desert. I am not playing the dopamine reward game with anyone; most particularly a work environment. If you have not read so much on neuroscience, maybe you don't know that every human brain loves dopamine. We feel good when we have dopamine. Most of us unconsciously go from situation to situation attempting to trigger a dopamine hit. We try to get other people to approve of us, thus triggering the dopamine; or we find an addiction which triggers the dopamine.

The game is to get another person or situation to somehow make you feel good for a little while, like through praise or recognition, approval, reward, honor, etc.

I should mention that the first Christian monks went to the desert to practice contemplation. My dopamine desert is an analogy with those early desert monks. Stop for a moment and imagine yourself in a very silent desert cave, gazing at a star filled sky, and feeling the divine presence. That is how I want to experience my desert.

I came to my dopamine desert. I brought with me a dream. A dream of creating and giving. That is, I would take my monastic education and spiritual studies, write and publish for others. It is a dream of connection without distraction with all that is; and receiving vibrations which I would turn into words and give to others. I would turn vibrations into thoughts and then words, thus making the creative dream a reality.

To have my dream and to live in the dopamine desert, I must believe in myself and in cosmic reality, the forever partnership of us. I have a monastic education, that is, I lived in monastic formation for 3 years. Life as a monk gave me tools for consciously enabling the divine partnership. I also have sources for ongoing spiritual education.

Most of all, I have my own soul. Every soul speaks towards their human in quiet whispers. Every human can tune themselves to their soul.

Everything I do before I die will be to enhance and enjoy the relationship with my soul and the miracle of my human life. There is an unconditional love which doesn't depend on the world's dopamine rewards and which embraces the human spirit.

Everyone has a path and access to the soul. How conscious are we? I approach the monk's life of direct focus on the divine presence more than once in my nearly 6 decades of life.

This little journal post was started with the word love and you can see where it lead me. Implicitly, to know the divine presence is to love unconditionally.

Retirement - week 2

The first week of my retirement I spent around the Houston area; packing up my house, running in the rain, trying to avoid mosquitoes. And the moving tuck came.

The second week I spent driving to Kansas City, setting up my new house, running in various parks, beginning tax school, working on my writing project.

Yesterday, the moving truck came. Now all my belongings are here; still mostly in boxes. But the washer and dryer are hooked up and work. I got the printer onto the new network and it works.

Even though I got rid of alot of stuff before I moved, I see that I moved alot of stuff I don't really know what to do with and haven't bothered with for several years. Aggghhh!

What is really important is better thoughts, better feelings. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, "I believe in myself." Wow! What a great thought! When I had a job, I woke up depressed and hateful and hopeless for having to go to work. Last night, I realized that my writing project will take years to complete. I've been pushing it forward everyday, like I worked on it for 3 hours today; but it takes awhile to produce a great work.

I still need to learn to enjoy my existence for its own sake. I feel better than ever about myself; but I suspect that some rocks still need to be dropped.

Today I ran 6 miles in English Landing park. Here is a picture from flicker.

Running here is very easy on my legs and I have good success. I've been feeling very good despite a lot of miles; so I signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of October.

Hills

I love hills. I so missed them when I was living in Houston. Houston is pancake flat. Today I went to feed my addiction in Weston Bend State park.

Yesterday I was able to do my first 20 mile run since the middle of July. I did it in English Landing park, which is flat gravel along the Missouri River. It seemed really easy and I was happy to do it. Today, there were no repercussions from the 20 miles, so I had no problems doing 12 miles in Weston Bend.

I signed up for a 24 hour race at the end of October. I'm happy about being in such shape as I can do such things.

First Priority After Arriving in Missouri

Here's what I did right after arriving in Missouri:

A Moment in Between

Yesterday I spent my time with movers, packing up my house in Texas. Then I drove to Oklahoma and spent the night. Today, I will continue driving to my new home in Missouri.

Some of my thoughts yesterday reflected around how momentous this thing I am doing is. Sure, everybody retires some time. I took my time earlier than most based on a desire to grow. Seriously, I had to move on. Where I worked was "not that bad," in fact pretty good. The condition of the work place alone does not justify quitting.

Finances provided an escape route, something like a catalyst.

But the real crux of the matter is the interior of my heart and soul. There were positive desperate needs and negative desperate needs. Ultimately it came down to a dream, a plan, an idea.

I just started reading a book written by a doctor about addiction, its neuro-science and its childhood development. I have to admit that a few screws were maladjusted in my childhood. This makes for a life outside the norm. And now I can see that I am embracing my truth.

By "outside the norm," I don't mean badly weird. I mean that suburban life, going along, just earning money in a good corporate job and carrying out that life to the end, was not enough. Look, I have moved around alot in my life from job to job. Look, I ran off to a monastery in mid-life because I was interested in contemplative prayer. Look, getting married and having kids could never have been for me.

Without the surroundings of a corporate culture, I don't have to pretend to be like "them" anymore. Like, you work with people daily for years, never talking about sobriety; because they wouldn't understand and might hold it against you. The spirituality of a 12 step program, or ultra-marathoning, is impossible to express to the un-initiated. I even had trouble admitting that I got up at 3:30 am every day in order to have time for both spiritual study and running.

I don't know how my creative ideas will turn out. But I can clearly see the next 2 or 3 trail markings.

I am a bit apprehensive for arrival at my new digs. How will I feel once I finally get there? The whole decision to buy this place and get out of Texas is an emotional affair. Yes, I can scream about logic, but the emotion is really what life is.

So, enjoy the ride. I am where I am. My life is now totally about the "receiving mode." The Receiving Mode is something I heard about from Abraham Hicks. I have to strengthen my spiritual practice above all else.

Wow! Now that I am free, I can allow my mind to just go crazy with ideas and creativity; and I have the means to capitalize.

Last Run in Texas

Holding Pattern

I quit my job a week ago and on Monday a moving truck comes. These few days have been a waiting period. Done with my life here but not yet started with my life there. The rain has hindered running a little bit, but mostly it is the mosquitoes which are keeping me away from the parks. Even if I spray myself, a cloud of the little buggers hovers around me trying to find places which are not sprayed, like my face.

This little holding pattern got me thinking about how my most of my life has been a holding pattern. A holding pattern of waiting for work to be over so I could do what I want.

First look at the pattern: get up at 3:30 am, time for spiritual study, time for exercise, go to work at 6:30 am (to beat the traffic), be at work, come home from work, eat, rest, exercise, read fiction, go to sleep at 10. Five days a week, an incredible 3+ decades of work.

Astonishingly enough, my work as an engineer was mostly boring; only occasionally would an interesting project come along. Rarely was creativity needed. Most of engineering work is "putting the lines on the page." That is, after the initial excitement, carrying out the project is a routine technical activity. Often, completing a project does not bring a reward. They don't tell you this in engineering school, but most of engineering life is putting lines on the page.

There wasn't much dopamine reward in my work pattern. Mostly I went to work to earn the paycheck. My work environment was like many others. It was cynical and underfunctioning. I obeyed the rules. I played nice with others. I kept my mouth shut. Mostly I was surviving. My work was a holding pattern because for most of this life's daylight hours, I was restricted to the work environment. Creative ideas had to be shelved for later or discarded entirely. Even work related creativity mostly got discarded.

My dopamine rewards were not coming from work. The good feeling brain chemicals came from morning and evening exercise, spiritual investigations; and running marathons or ultra-marathons on the weekend. The little medals given at the end of a race represented more rewards than I obtained at work in years. And this comment comes from a highly competent, reliable engineer; not some slacker that nobody liked.

Americas best minds are warehoused in the work related holding patterns. Every corporation is wasting these resources. I am not unique.

So is it any wonder that I left the system as soon as possible? I am filled with creative ideas. I want to carry them out. Even the act of writing this blog would not be possible if I had needed to go to work an hour ago.

A New Canvas

Two days ago, I walked out of my job and my career. Those first few steps out the gate felt amazing. I felt the spaciousness of having no obligations, maybe for the first time ever. I had done everything purposefully for nearly 2 years with the goal of getting to the start of a new life. I looked at the sky and thought, "I have a completely blank canvas. I can paint whatever I want on this." So amazing.

And then, haha, day 1: I spent 2.5 hours of day one doing homework for a class I am enrolled in.

And then, day 2, I got time to go to the park and make my usual round of Seabrook trails. My knee was feeling awesome. I don't know how I hurt it a month ago, but today it felt like a good knee. It was so humid this morning, so even though I mixed alot of walking in with running, I still felt heat related dizziness. I had to take an electrolyte pill along with my water. Another reason I want to get out of Texas is I cannot afford this chronic heat related illness every weekend.

Here is a video from today. Sorry about the abrupt ending but when I tried to get the mosquitoes I accidentally shut off the camera.

Excellence

This morning I read something interesting in Ernie Zelinski's book "Career Success Without a Real Job."

"Most people don't do their best because they don't enjoy what they do. They are working primarily for the reward of the paycheck, at the same time resisting the jobs they don't like. As a result they don't know the definition of excellence and never do their best. If you ask them how they are doing, they will reply, "Average." They even think that being slightly above average is quite a remarkable accomplishment.

"Take a little time and list the things that promote your being average, including the people with whom you hang around. To rise above mediocrity you must remove everything in your life that represents mediocrity. Surround yourself with people and things that represent excellence and you will be inspired to do your best so that you too represent excellence."

You know, my work group, and much of most corporations, is filled with the mediocre. I don't think that bright young minds start out that way, but end up that way as a result of continuous employment within one system. In some ways, staying in the same system for decades has to be killing your excellence. We know it kills creativity because corporate systems have too much inertia for one creative idea to make it.

I cannot tolerate working for a mediocre boss. It just kills me.

Personal Mount Blanc

It is Labor Day in the US. I still had to run outside to put out the garbage since I heard the truck. The waste company has put several people out of work since they went to automated trucks.

I have time to sit and reflect. I read the blogs about the Catholic Church sex scandal, The Benedict Option. I watch YouTube videos of Ultra Trail Mount Blanc (below) and tears come to my eyes. I think of my own situation.

I am on the cusp of quitting my career. I wanted to retire before my body got too old so that I could go in lots of races. As I sit here now, one of my knees is somehow in trouble; so I won't hit the ground running.

The thought crosses my mind as I look at the faces of the three women winners of UTMB (video below), "I want to be who I really am." This thought also brings an important point to the surface. I am quitting my career, not just because I have the money, but because I was caught in fake me.

Real me is an athlete and scholar; and has been allotted an hour or two of living each day for my career. Real me is incredibly smart, creative and peruses the metaphysical universe seeing the energy connections of life itself. Real me runs miles and lifts weights. The fake me shoves itself into a corporate box and uses the intelligence to out perform inferior colleagues, please under-functioning bosses and make money. The real me is bored with an engineering job which became rote a couple of years ago, and frustrated with the niche of expertise. The fake me continues to wish for some sort of corporate recognition; which will never come because thats not what corporations do. Fake versus Real is an emotional conflict which I am allowing Real to win. I want to be authentic.

Now, facing retirement, the real me is eager for more time to write, to work on web pages, to learn the business end of being a professional writer, having a personal brand. No one can stop me.

I, and we all, have an inner spirit, a real me, that refuses to be boxed. For the first time in my life, I have the finances to give the real me both space and time. I realize a transformation will occur. Even I, who knows that inner energy, don't really know what will happen.

I have my own version of Mount Blanc. I've been climbing for years. Sometime soon, the next few years, I'll reach the finish line. And then go on.

I will keep the agreement with my inner spirit. I'm leaving the ordinary world and stepping into the extraordinary. Yes I can.

Entrepreneur Journey

Most people I know think I am retiring; however, I think of myself as becoming an entrepreneur starting phase 3 of my life. An unlikely thing for an engineer who has long worked for corporations.

June a year ago, I had an idea. Actually, I was praying at the time, something like this, " God, what do you want me to do with this? What was it for?" The "this" of the prayer was the 4 years spent in a monastery, and the more than 30 years spent in daily study of the great books by philosophers and theologians. Suddenly... Eff! .... That's what I could do!

It was an idea for an app, but it was also a way to put in writing the thousands of facets of my relationship with my soul. And this writing project was something I wanted to do above all else.

The idea for an app, and maybe related opportunities, expressed the dream of my life. It was a viable idea because I knew that I could do everything necessary to bring it to life. And what ever I didn't know, I could easily find out in order to bring the idea to fruition. I immediately started to work on it and I've done that everyday for a year and a couple of months. The app needed content and I have been writing the content.

After I got that idea, I knew it was just a matter of time before I quit my day job to work full time on my idea. In February of this year, I realized that I had the funding to live simply until I was 65, not even touching my retirement nest egg. After that realization, I began to get up in the morning and the first thought through my head was, "When am I going to quit?" Every Morning I was getting up and working for 40 minutes on my writing project. And then my momentum would have to be slammed into a wall as I had to go to work.

So I realized that I needed to pick a date. I couldn't go on indefinitely wanting to quit. I picked a date. Now I realized that when I walked out of my company, I would be taking the expertise with me as I was the one in the work group that knew how to do everything (my boss didn't). So to be fair, I gave several months notice. March of this year, I submitted my resignation.

Now, I've lived with that decision for several months. I only have 4 more working days until "retirement." I've never thought that my decision was wrong; but there have been many moments of self query. My gut feeling was always in favor of ditching the day job. I created this path; and starting to walk down it, I see it is a pretty easy path and it is filled with miracles (God doing for me what I can't do for myself). The ease and good feelings about the initial steps let me know I have chosen the correct spiritual path, the path of my heart's desire. It is like paddling down stream.

I am a kick ass engineer and I know for certain that I can produce a kick ass product out of words; and sell it.

The Importance of Self Importance

Somewhere along the line, I became an expert at what I do. Then I noticed than while what I do is important to the company, it is very boring for me to do. The more expert I became, the more boring and administrative my job became. I began to sit in meetings and listen to people talk about how important and serious and difficult the job was, knowing all along it was stupid and easy. This so called important job was merely checking a box for the company.

My non-expert colleagues continued to need me to answer silly simple questions, write down how to do everything and check their work. And they became annoyed when I explained that this job was basically just filling out an extremely long form and there was really no special concern involved. Just learn the rules and follow them blindly. You'll be fine. Unfortunately most people can't learn the rules or don't understand what they mean.

Upon losing my sense of importance, I also lost my mojo. Then I noticed that there is no reward for expertise in our company. The experts are pigeon holed, and promotions and pay raises end. Time after time I was pushed back into my box.

I began to look at my bank account and ask myself how much money I really needed to live out the rest of my life. I looked seriously at OBama Care to find out how a precious subsidy could be obtained.

I meditated and listened to my inner self, hoping for the answer to my question of what I should do. One day, during my spiritual study session, the answer / idea came: THIS is what I want to do with my life. I immediately began to work on that idea for a little while every day. Nine months later, my bank account somehow tripped across the line. I saw that funding was available to down size my living space and go to work full time on my ideas.

If I was still gaining ego pleasure for my status as expert, and still felt important in my work, I'd never leave here. My ego would continue to thrive on self importance. But that didn't happen. I just can't keep up the show. I need to go do something that matters to me which is not just ego dressing. Even if it means spending my savings instead of adding to my savings.

Some people are like that you know. They want to do more with their lives than collect money while bored. We are just too smart for the world.

Something - A Poem

Every day of my life
I wake up and wonder
Will something happen today?
Sometimes something happens
But then that something is over, gone
That something was really nothing.
And then I hope for another something.
Something else.
Something more.
To cease the search for something
Is to sit with nothing.
Nothing was really something all along.

Life in the Grip of God

I am nearing the end of my career. Just a few more days and I will quit my job, take my savings and fund a life of spirituality and service. The compensation won't be monetary, at least at first. The people I work with have not understood why this is happening at all. Why would anyone quit a six figure job at such an early age? Dreams are hard to carry out, why give up the surety of a salary and company health insurance?

I haven't been able to explain because my spiritual reality does not really overlap with the corporate reality of which these people are a part.

This is not the first time in my life when I pursued a spiritual life as my only work. At the age of 40, I also quit my job, gave away everything, and went off to live in a monastery.

Walt Whitman does an admirable job of explaining why I do this:

"Well, every man has a religion; has something in heaven or earth which he will give up everything else for -- something which absorbs him -- which may be regarded by others as being useless -- yet it is his dream, it is his lodestar, it is his master. That, whatever it is, seized upon me, made me its servant, slave -- induced me to set aside the other ambitions -- a trail of glory in the heavens, which I followed, followed with a full heart....When once I was convinced, I never let go....  "

Bryce Canyon Ultra - the morning after

I am sitting in a very nice Best Western, getting ready to drive to the airport and go home. No 50k medal, but a great vacation experience.

Yesterday I completed 19 miles of a mountain trail 50k race. The trail wound up the mountain through pine trees and mountain meadows going from 7,000 to 9,000 feet. At one place I got to stand at the bottom of a beautiful Hoo Doo type cliff, and then stand at the 9,000 foot top looking over a vast horizon.

The trail was difficult in spots being steep in places. Not a problem going up, but my mind snapped shut at the thought of going down. I have no quads because there are no natural hills where I live; and anyway, my knees are not perfect.

I spent most of my time in pine trees looking at the trail in order not to trip. There wasn't much time to see and enjoy as I was trying to meet cut off times for the race. While the race management was allowing people to keep going as long as they wanted, they were closing aid stations; which meant no water if you got there too late.


At 19 miles, I was a little past cut off and heading into the severe down hill part of the course. It would have taken me more than 4 hours to get down the mountain, with tricky steep downhill parts. I couldn't imagine doing it. So when they said that the extraction vehicle was there, I jumped in it. I was going to get a "did not finish" (DNF) no matter what I did, so might as well skip the pain.


I have to admit that the trail in the mountain was either too long or too difficult for me. I see that I have limits. I can do alot but not everything. Or if I plan on doing everything, it might take awhile.

Trail runs are a weird animal. You must look down and watch the tripping hazards or you are going down. Even a second of inattention can bring you down. This concentration and focus is meditative in the sense that you can't think of too much else. If you want to look around, you have to stop or find a piece of trail with no hazards. My life is like this. Most of it has been spent concentrating on the trail in my immediate view, not looking around to enjoy anything.

I wonder if I can fix that when I enter retirement? Both inner and outer vistas need to be enjoyed and pondered. Stop trying to achieve, or ward off the competition, or finish projects at work as I people please bosses. My life so far: Survive a dysfunctional family. Go to college and get an engineering degree. Get a job and then get another job and then another job and so on. Who am I in all of that?

Getting sober was meaningful. Getting spirituality was meaningful. Running was meaningful. But these are things hidden from my co-workers. So, while I've spent humongous amounts of time at work, most of it was acting. I wasn't really me.

In a weird way, I am DNF-ing my career because I am resigning at the age of 59; with money but not a retirement as far as the company is concerned. No gold watches. The golden hand cuffs are being ripped off, not released. But I don't think I will DNF my life. I think I must quit my career in order to finish my life successfully.

Success for me is more about thinking than achieving, even though I have spent a good deal of my life beating other people.

You know, you can run laps around a small park for hours and look inward toward greater things. This is prayer. You can sit in your house meditating. This is prayer. You can wonder why you were at a trail race and what happened to you during it. This is prayer. I look at my career and admit my feelings about what happened. This is prayer.

During my 3 day vacation, I felt alot of appreciation for seeing Utah and hiking some incredible rocks.

See you again soon.

Zion Reflection

It is a Friday. I am in Utah in order to run a 50k race tomorrow. The race is in Bryce Canyon, which is why I was inspired to come here. I saw the pictures and said, "I must see that place."

Yesterday, I hiked around Bryce Canyon National Park. It was every bit as spectacular as I imagined. Incredible. No matter what happens with the race, I got to see that place.

Then there was the dilemma of what to do today. Lots of suggestions for beautiful things to see in this area. "Everyone" says to go to Zion. I don't want to go to Zion because I don't want to deal with crowds of people and shuttle buses. I want scenery, yes; but I also want quiet reflection walking. So I picked 2 other places to go to today.

Because I am not trying to organize a trip to Zion, which would have involved getting up early and beating everyone else to the parking places, I have time to reflect here in my hotel room.

I'm missing Zion, the most spectacular, in order to be quiet. Hummm...

I have a book called "Career Success Without a Real Job" by Ernie Zelinski. I brought it with me. I read it a few months ago as I pondered my decision to retire from my real job. Now, decision made to retire and I know what I am going to work on next, I brought the book for review and inspiration.

The second page caught my eye. "The purpose of this book is to inspire people loke you to reclaim their creativity, their freedom, and their lives." This sentence coming after a paragraph about engineers unsatisfied with corporate live and "they suffer their jobs badly and with silent indignity." EXACTLY!

The book is also for those who: want to find their own important mission, true calling, or passionate pursuit; want to gain courage to leave the corporate world; want to live an extraordinary life.

Yes to that. I need courage to leave mother corporation. I feel the call to do something more of my own creation. I have the desire to soar. I want to escape the boredom and waste of my job because it is killing my spirit.

I order to do this, I have to continually pump energy into the project of retirement and plans for "employment." Otherwise, I would succumb to the attitude of my current co-workers: just kick back and earn this great salary. Why pay for your own health insurance? Isn't it easier to have this salary than to try to do something on your own?

Years ago, more than 30, I was introduced to "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck. I have mentally and spiritually been on that road. The energy of the words has never left me.

I must fly free. I have a budget which say yes I can. Somewhere I crossed a line which said, "more money is not the most important thing to me." Now, I am breaking the rules of corporate culture and also facing humanity's rules of survival. I must fly free.

How to Retire Early

Retiring early is a journey not an event. There are complicated material, psychological and spiritual aspects. There is a "going to" and a "going away from." To successfully retire early, you must address all aspects, not just the money. Money is actually the easiest part.

I have been exploring various aspects of: I have a mission I want to accomplish which I need to quit my day job to get the time. I have enough money to support myself at a middle class level for life. I am quitting a very secure six figure engineering job where I am skilled and respected.

I have for my entire career thought that I would quit as soon as I got the money. Now, at the age of 59, I have the money. But I am the child of a man who never quit. He had a heart attack at the age of 76, was alive in the hospital calling clients and working, and then coded out while in the hospital. I am the child of a mother who retired at 55 and enjoyed the life provided by her husband. That is a conflict between 2 very different personalities. I am struggling on the inside with my early cultural editing.

I work with people who have mostly worked for the same company for their careers. My boss has been there 42 years! I am a person who has been laid off several times; and I even took a 4 year leave from my career to live in a monastery. Upon leaving the monastery, I had to work at 3 small jobs for a year before I got a job back in engineering. My view of my life is that it can be re-started after a discontinuity. Quitting my job now and thinking I can have a successful phase 3 of my life is thinking beyond that of the people around me. The people around me don't understand. They logically think that nothing could be better than slouching around the company collecting the huge salary. Taking it easy is their choice; not daring to try something completely new.

Once I took my dog out of the race at work, and became extremely good at what I do, I also became extremely bored as well as realizing how largely useless and administrative my job is. Actually personal growth is important enough to me that I'm willing to quit a lucrative salary in order to find something new.

And yes, there are personnel issues at work which I don't like dealing with.

I am going to something. I have for 33 years been doing daily spiritual studies. I have a collection of books written by wise people. Last June, nearly a year ago, I had an ah-ha moment. I realized what I could do with my 4 years in a contemplative monastery plus all these years of spiritual studies. I immediately started working on it and have continued daily to work on it. I also know that I live in the internet age. No one can stop me from creating a web page, an app and publishing a book. Many other people have been successful at those tasks. I can learn how and have fun learning.

For now, my quit date is not until September. So I struggle at work with less and less interest in the pettiness.

More on this journey as I go along.

Ode to Joy

This is a little story of synchronicity, of paying attention to the Universe, of cooperative components coming together. And most of all, appreciating the spiritual entities who can help us accomplish meaningful lives.

I noticed yesterday how a respected 104 year old scientist, David Goodall, had died peacefully listening to "Ode to Joy". I wondered what was so important about that music, by Beethoven, that this highly intelligent and deep person would chose to die to it. But I didn't pursue it at that moment.

Then today, I was on page 201 of Jordan Peterson's book "12 Rules for Life" where it says, "What is meaningful by contrast is the organization of what would otherwise be expedient into a symphony of Being. Meaning is what is put forth more powerfully that mere words can express by Beethoven's "Ode to Joy," a triumphant bringing forth from the void of pattern after pattern upon beautiful pattern, every instrument playing its part, disciplined voices layered on top of that, spanning the entire breadth of human emotion from despair to exhilaration."  I deeply want to feel my life as a symphony of Being.

Suddenly, I had to pull out my phone and ask it to play "Ode to Joy." Well, yes I know this song. But as I listened to it in the context of the 104 year old scientist plus "symphony of Being," I realized my life being lived for the Universe and my gift to the Universe. I felt the truth of the emotion. I felt the symphony of my life and all its ups and downs as a wonderful gift given and gift received.

I wouldn't have felt that depth of my life's worth if I hadn't been paying attention to the clues, the little trail of bread crumbs left by my higher consciousness, my soul or spirit. Feeling high on life is wonderful and seldom felt by me.

I wouldn't mind dying to this magnificent truth either.

Resignation Stories

I am planning on resigning my job in September and moving on to phase 3 of my life. But quitting a good corporate job, even if you have the money, is a surprising challenge. That is giving up a secure salary in favor of spending your savings and doing something different defies belief systems and causes angst.

This angst has to be worked through in order to be happy. So my resignation is an emotional process. I have to face all my conditioning and resentments in order to obtain a free and happy soul.

So, 3 stories have become important ways of framing what I am going through.

First was Plato's Cave. It is a story about people sitting in chairs in a cave. They are facing the rock wall and watching shadows on the wall. Watching these shadows is their reality. Then one day, one of them stands ups and look around and sees the sun shining through the mouth of the cave. There are other people walking past the cave and these other form the shadows on the wall of the cave which are watched by the people in the chairs. My take on this: I have stood up and seen the sun, but still too afraid to walk out of the cave. The cave is the only reality I have known. Can I make it if I leave the cave?

Second is about training flies. If you put some flies in a jar  with a top, and then some time later remove the top, the flies will not leave the jar. They just won't. My take on this: As a corporate employee, I have a hard time leaving my corporate jar. The way to freedom is there for me, but I still just look at it.

Third is about catching monkeys. It is said that the way to catch a monkey is to get a large jar with a mouth just large enough for the monkey's hand. Put rocks in the jar to make it heavy. Scatter treats around and in the jar. The monkey will come for the treats and eventually reach into the jar to get those treats. But the monkey can't get its hand out of the jar with the treats balled up in it. So you have caught the monkey. My take on this: The treats are the corporate safety and salary. My hand has long been in the jar. To get out of the jar, I have to open my hand, let go of the corporate salary. There are other sources of treats but first, I have to let go.

So these stories illustrate and help me understand the angst I experience in my transition from corporate slave to free creative entrepreneur. I don't even need to make money as entrepreneur, just go be one, leaving aside the corporation. The white middle class cultural template of "go to college and get a good corporate job and eventually retire" is the conditioning I have been living. But now, I want to be free. I think I can be "more" by being free.

Understand this is an emotional journey not a logical one. Logically, I am fine. Emotionally, I am breaking my conditioning and parts of my brain don't agree. The tension is the emotion. Most of us don't like being emotional. But what is human life without emotion? Beliefs about emotion itself are a form of conditioning.

The emotional journey will continue.

The 5th Lap

This is a race report about the Trailracingovertexas race Wildflower 50k in Bastrop State park, May 5, 2018.

But what is the 5th lap? It is the lap you can't believe you did and what you get from that.

But first, overall, a very successful trip. This weekend was my first camping trip with my Honda Odessy. Here is a picture of the back with my cot installed:

This worked pretty well. Not perfect. Improvements are needed, but for a first try at camping, it was a huge success. I also say that this van is very comfortable for long drives.

Next was volunteering at packet pickup. I met a lady who was 67. For her 65th birthday, she walked 900 miles of the Appalachian trail by herself. Wait. What? You did that? I was impressed. I didn't know 65 year olds could do that by themselves.

The following day was race day. How nice to be right in the park! The weather was clear and a little cool, to start at least. Although there were many runners, and the race started immediately uphill on single track, the whole conga line thing didn't bother me. It was dark so I wore my head light. I made it through the darkness without tripping!

Once we could see, it was a beautiful park with lots of green. Not that much shade as forest fires took out most of the trees.

The big challenge for me was that this was a trail race in hilly country. I live in a city that is totally flat, so the ups and down plus the rocks was all new to me. The audacity of me thinking I could do 50k on a trail! So I spent the first 2 of 5 laps thinking I would quit. It was going to be hot after all, and surely my quads would collapse on me. Somewhere during lap 2, I thought, "this is what it means to be fully alive."  During lap 3, I knew I would do lap 4. No heat related illness was felt which means I took enough electrolytes and drank enough fluids. Win! During lap 4, I knew I would do lap 5. What changed about my mental condition? Was this my doing or the work of my higher consciousness? Despite all those quitter thoughts, it was very easy for me to get back out on the trail for the final lap.

Having some mental gift to get back out and finish a race is a transcendence. It is also wealth and abundance beyond money. A rich experience, especially if it brings meaning to your life or knowledge of what you are made of, is worth more than money in the bank. It is abundance already in your possession. I mention my learning because I am still struggling with the idea of early retirement. Logically, the money is in the bank; but breaking my father's rules and spending instead of saving is still difficult mentally and emotionally. Going away from my lucrative but boring day job to pursue interests which don't pay that well seems to scare me. Living my life at a different vibrational order of being is new. These are the gifts of meaning and self esteem gained by going out on the 5th lap.

Well, I did finish the race: