Facing Inward

Yesterday marked one month since I quit my job. One month of moving, unpacking, beginning new things. I knew when I began this life that it was out on the edge of the norms of my social class. That is, what is considered financial security and what is considered success in occupation. I took my dog out of the race.

Yesterday was really the first day where I sat in my kitchen in the morning and felt peace. There were no pressing issues, like needing to go to the license bureau or do homework. So I could remember, experience and feel good about my dream. My dream is an existential dream; it could be monetized but that is not really its point. Actually, I wanted subsistence living so I could have time for existential pursuits.

It is a new way of being for me. I have a life. I have life itself. I have time for inner connection, reflection, just being.

Money anxiety lurks. Not all is perfect nor is the buffer invincible. I feel the emotion of scarcity. This emotion is taught. It is not real in my case. This feeling is in fact what I want and need to generate in my subsistence life. I wanted to make just such a discovery as I made this morning. Money anxiety is just a form of general existential human anxiety. This general existential anxiety drives some people to achievement in order to hide from it. It drives others into addiction to hide from it. I want to heal it for myself and for mankind.

I remember my dream. It is a dream of knowing my depths, human depths. There is no way to find your depths without facing the inner. The inner seems to be filled with the demons of emotion . Maybe under the demons is a void, an emptiness, a silence of truth. My dream is to find this. So I have to proceed with a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety is my soul's sand paper; the constant reminder to let go and remember Source energy.

I think, "My new life, my dream." This thought gives me energy and hope. I feel better. Not hope for security, but hope for inner knowing. I absolutely must find the inner before I die. I feel good thinking about this.