Who am I?

Strangely enough, I am not at a half marathon race today. I signed up a week ago when the temperatures didn't look too bad; but that changed. As of last night, the low was to be 20F plus a wind chill. I reconsidered the 3 hour drive and the 2.5 hours in the cold.... I didn't make it out of bed.

So that left me with time to relax this morning and regroup on my dreams. Yes, it is easy for hopefulness and creativity to get lost in the ordinary world.

It is new years weekend and this year, Across the Years 6 day race is being live streamed. I know several people in the race and saw them on youtube. I so wish I was an ultra runner. But, when my feet start to hurt, I always quit. I can't seem to get past the pain like others; and maybe that is smart. But I never got to the miles I wanted. Somewhere around 38 miles, I wonder why I am doing this. I do however enjoy my 7 to 10 mile runs I've been doing in parks here in Kansas City. So many nice bike paths and parks. I've really enjoyed myself. Is running who I am?

The jury is definitely out on my job at Starbucks. The store is always packed with people and even if we have enough baristas, we can't keep up and rush like crazy. My job is usually to supply baristas with what they need. It is an endless stream of: make more coffee, make cold brew, make iced coffee, make mocha sauce, get more vanilla, get more cups, get more ice, take out the trash, take out the trash, take out the trash, get milk, get lids, make more coffee, make black tea, get espresso beans, make green tea, make whipped cream, make sweet cream, get more frapp mix, wash the dishes, make cold water..... make cold water? There are two ways to make cold water, just to you know. Being busy makes the hours go by fast, but it is tiring and many mistakes are made. Sometimes I feel good after a shift, sometimes not. So, the jury is out. Is working who I am?

Part of the problem is me. I am so critical of myself. Yeah, main problem of my life. I could be outstanding and amazing on the outside; but terribly critical on the inside.

I get tired at work and then don't write. My novel languishes a bit. The app has languished. I need to gather momentum for these dreams. So, that is on my mind. How do I organize my life to have energy for carrying out dreams? Will I get used to Starbucks and then have more energy for other stuff? I don't know. The jury is out. Is writing who I am?

My other job, as a tax preparer, is tugging at my time. It will get into swing more the second week of January. This job has been on my retirement bucket list for over a decade, so I will definitely keep it. The question is do I keep Starbucks.

Part of why I left my career was to have time in this lifetime to do more than work. Discover my self. So you may find me trying a variety of things. I juggle my Artist Mind with my Critical Mind. I like these terms better than inner child and inner parent. Discovering is in the moment, but also over a period of time. We'll see how this goes. The Universe keeps sending me clues.