Monday, March 23, 2009

Lent - Desire for Jesus

In 2003, August, I got kicked out of the monastery. The story of how this decision was made is not what I am up to at the moment. What I am up to at the moment is Jesus. The day before I left, I was in the office of my novice director (this is not the story of our failed relationship either). I remember telling her I was totally afraid that if I left there I would lose Jesus. In fact, I did lose the nice safe well defined Jesus that they worshipped and pretended to be espoused to (as if anyone could actually be a bride of Christ). But it is true, you cannot keep playing the game if you are not living in their tiny environment without any challenges to the theology.

What I am up to now is connecting with God apart from not only the monastic support environment but also that of the Roman Church or any other Christian denomination. I have dared to study various scholars and come to believe that we do not know what Jesus said and did and that this information is not contained in the Bible. However, I do have faith in a power greater than myself. I am learning to be comfortable with a God beyond all books. It may be conditioning or programming that I have not over come yet, but I still feel determined to have a personal relationship with Christ. I just think that He Himself is forcing me to be honest about it and not relate to the false Biblical delusion.

There is no tried and true method that produces a tangible proof of God. People are comfortable with religion because it provides a material world activity. The problem is that the activities are not based on historically true evidence; but the private control agenda of a handful of men. The material world activities actually prevent me from seeking the truth of God or learning to love the ineffable intangible Presence and Power. My desire is for God alone. My urge is for the pristine pure Love, which I faithfully believe is there. I will never have proof of what I find because it is encountered silently in contemplation. My only hope is that this Love is efficacious in calling everyone to truth beyond this world.

Personal statistics: I ran a short 3.5 miles this morning. Trying to taper for this Saturday’s marathon, I didn’t work out twice. The 40 mph winds must have taken out a power line. I lost power for about an hour. It is back on now, but there is a new pole laying on a truck in front of my house. I have been raw vegan for 34 days. I intend not to splurge until after the marathon. On Saturday I ran 16 miles at a pace of 9 minutes per mile. That kind of speed was surprising to me. I credit the way I am eating, especially the green smoothies.

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