This is an old picture that someone put on a forum I participate in. It is of a muslim groom and a christian bride in Beirut, 1983.

For me: The bride is my soul, the beautiful little spirit that I truly am. The groom is my Inner Higher Love, who comes to help me and guide me to Heaven. The destruction of war is what my ego does each and every day.

Psalm 39:

• ...like a moth you (God) eat away all that is dear to us (our egos); truly everyone is but a puff of wind (our bodies are illusions).
• We walk about like a shadow, and in vain (egotism) we are in turmoil (fear)...
• ...my hope is in you (not this world of ego delusion)...

ACIM: "You do not know the meaning of anything you perceive. Not one thought you hold is wholly true. The recognition of this is your firm beginning. You are not misguided; you have accepted no guide at all. Instruction in perception is your great need, for you understand nothing. Recognize this but do not accept it, for understanding is your inheritance. Perceptions are learned, and you are not without a Teacher. Yet your willingness to learn of Him depends on your willingness to question everything you learned of yourself, for you who learned amiss should not be your own teacher."

Yesterday, alot happened at work. Our company is coming down to the wire on a project, and I am in the position of pushing other managers to show "actual" results. Some of our equipment is broken so we are not in environmental compliance. My boss is working on getting an old guy to retire and bless me with doing only environmental work for all our plants (this is a good thing) except maybe I have a job interview at another company.

As I sat at home last night, humility crossed my mind. Then this morning, Psalm 39 and the above portion of the ACIM text helped ground me in humility. I also pondered that picture and felt more humility. I (my ego) destroy peace everyday. Yet, Inner Higher Love will come to be my Teacher every day and lead me to Heaven.

I admit that I do not understand the world. My desire is to listen to my Teacher. I surrender. On the one hand, I try to realize that I am not a body. On the other hand, I fast and detox in order to vibrate at higher levels, to better hear my Teacher.

I live in this little town.

I work at this crummy little company.

I have these physical and emotional defects.

I seek God.

I run.

Silent JOY is the ground of my being. It rests quietly under the raging ego. I can be JOY anytime I remember. I can remember.

Discovering Source

From Dante’s Inferno:

…weigh with good understanding what lies hidden…

I read through the poet’s Canto once. A couple of thoughts touch me, yet mostly it is mush. I read the interpreter’s explanations and think, “Oh, I didn’t know that.” I realize that it is much easier for me to read the interpreter than the poet. I think, “Why bother reading the poet who is the source? Why not just read the interpreter?” I pause. I think. I shut my eyes and listen for the Spirit. I listen for Jesus. I listen for my companions.

It took me more than one reading to even see the line I quoted above; where the poet encourages me to find his hidden meanings.

That a source text is mush after one reading is not a new phenomenon. The Bible is mush the first time you try to read it. A Course in Miracles (ACIM) is mush the first time you read it. Heidegger’s “Being and Time” is mush the first time you read it. The Rule of Benedict is another example of source material which is ignored by many in favor of clever explanations written by revered monks. Spiritual texts are always mush the first time you read them. You can do like most people: skip the source text and just read other people’s opinions which have been dumbed down. When you accept other people’s opinions as your meaning, you are accepting a second hand experience of a source. Instead, you can apply yourself to the text and try, working together with your Inner Being, to see what it is saying to you; try to listen and learn. Try to think. What is this saying to me today?

Dante’s references to Italian history and Greek mythology don’t mean anything to me. Even so, if I slowly read the text several times, pausing frequently to think, deeper and deeper thoughts occur to me. Doors open. My heart is touched. The frame work of the poet’s journey becomes clear and I see how it is so similar to my own spiritual journey. I integrate the poet into my previous learning so that he becomes part of the fabric of my existance. The poet’s experience becomes my first hand experience. I enter into authentic experience versus someone else’s experience.

I realize I need to do the same in depth thinking about my own life as I do to understand Dante or the Bible or A Course in Miracles or Heidegger or any spiritual source material. I have a richness about me which is revealed in deeper thinking about my life; its physical, mental and spiritual nuances.

If you reading this are a teacher, I say to you: teach your students how to read and think. Don’t just tell them what things are supposed to mean. How to understand is the only thing a teacher should ever teach.

I am trying to learn to love pure water above all else. Who likes pure water better than flavored drinks? Who likes pure water without any caffeine thrill? I am trying to love pure water. I drink the pure water and listen to my thoughts and feelings. I listen to my cravings. Then, in an act of sheer determination, I drink a little more water. I want to know Pure Spirit as well. I want Pure Christ Consciousness to be the one thing I love and prefer above all else. And so I sit in silence and try to drink the Pure Spirit and the Pure Christ.

Joy and Chores

I thought again this afternoon how a person needs to be able to hear from their own insides what the Spirit is saying to them. This opinion means that you have to take a break from other people’s books and elder masters and just listen. To some extent, you have to leave “community” because you need to see what solitary listening is. Even sacred scripture and homilies and mother’s advice must be laid aside; so you can hear the love present in your own heart. For me, working on my own is something of the ultimate dogmatic challenge. The years of Roman Catholic hierarchy programmed me for believing the Church knew better than me. The years of Benedictine monastic life programmed me to believe I should be obedient to my superiors even if they were wrong; and that monks in community were the best kind of monks. The years of A Course in Miracles (ACIM) may have been helpful in that the Text claims the Holy Spirit and Jesus as Teacher and Guide; or harmful in that many ACIM teachers insist that you need a teacher. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they talk about having a sponsor, which I did for about the first 10 years. But now I have 23 years of sobriety; I don’t know anyone who knows more about the art of living sober than I do.

I risk sitting alone with my ego. I risk failure at the one area of life that interests me: God consciousness. I will take all I’ve learned in distance running, sobriety, monasticism, Catholicism, ACIM, engineering, fasting, contemplation and relationships; and let it integrate.

The result of integration is joy. I not only am certain of this, and completely know it, I trust my heart and my faith. I have completed every prayer possible except the one of my beating heart, my breathing lungs, my running footfall. Joy is my work. Joy is my practice. These prayers are my joy. Joy is my prayer. Not asking for it but living it, every moment. My joy is God’s joy. There is nothing else.

On a lighter note, I ran 16.2 miles this morning. I was industrious with my chores this afternoon. It is a sunny warm day and I completed the outside ladder work needed before winter. I am now ready for my right arm to be destroyed by surgery once again. I swept up another million “crop” bugs.

Spiritual Tools and Gratitude

I wanted to express additional gratitude to God.

My life is focused on the spiritual. So few actually want "seeking God" to be the main theme of their life. How grateful I am. How happy I am. I have been given a wonderful spiritual tool kit...and the willingness to use it.

Some tools are obviously spiritual: contemplation, lectio divina and worship.

Other tools are adjunct, but in my opinion necessary: fasting, raw food diet, colon cleansing, spirulina and chlorella, juicing, filtered water, sobriety, exercise.

So many of us bemoan our pocket books or envy the other people. I am rich with health and spiritual connection, Christ consciousness. Yet most people would not want to use my tool kit. Most people would not trade their bar-b-q for my colonic irrigation. Most people would not want to trade an hour of TV for an hour of contemplative prayer.

I am happy and grateful for the wealth of willingness. I don't yet know how I unlocked my spirit initially, but all of my practice since then has only opened the door wider and wider. I say again, how grateful I am.

Playing with Love

In solitude and silence,
Love will be my light;
dark drunk defiance,
my own demons I fight.

Dedicated to Love,
through emerald eyes I gaze.
Heart pumping, thoughts streaming,
I chase Love through the maze.

A sugar mountain loomed large.
I veered down gasoline alley.
Through the vapors of death,
My strength Love's call rallied.

I revived on Love's Mount;
soul sickness purged, I was free.
Love stood erect and open.
Power impaled me.

Eternity thereafter my dwelling.
Love's light a seamless space.
My pieces together gathered.
Love's cloister the silence of grace.

Continuing the Journey

Midway in our life's journey, I went astry from the straight road and awoke to find myself alone in a dark wood. (Dante's Inferno)

White Bird Flies Free

Psalm 119:129,30:
Your decrees are wonderful; therefore I obey them with all my heart.
When Your Word goes forth it gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

I live 1.5 minutes from work, and go home for lunch. I get a little prayer time that way. Today, as I was pondering that Psalm, the following thought came into my mind:

"Spirit Flower, you have studied A Course in Miracles (ACIM) enough to know:

• how to forgive; thus realizing Oneness and joining the Sonship;
• that this ego world is a dream, the separation never happened and you are a thought in the Mind of Love;
• to take your ego's inventory and give the darkness to the Holy Spirit's light for healing and correction;
• to choose again, accepting the Atonement;
• to listen to the Voice for God;
• and to be responsible for your part/function, allowing yourself to be a channel for miracles.

Spirit Flower, that is it. You have learned The Course. Now just go live it."

I realized that ACIM is no different than engineering school. You learn the concepts and then use them in your work. You do not need to keep beating yourself over the head with first year physics. You may decide to take ongoing education, of course. But you do graduate from college and you do go on to live your profession. Self just explained to me that I am living my ACIM profession. No sense in complicating it any further.

I am free.