Early in life, maybe more than 35 years ago, I saw "Cats" in London. I can still sing some of the songs. This afternoon, I found myself singing "Memories" ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gd_ohoPzYc ).
It is a mournful song, appropriate for and old lady; but not a dead lady. "I was beautiful then...and a new day has begun."
Yet here I am. This morning, I was at Starbucks opening the store at 4:30 am. Then, a decent noon meal,and then book reading while laying on my bed something inside me called me to get up and be present, work on my writing. Now, my brain and body are awake, ready for writing and exercise. It is a moment of feeling great, purposeful, connected to something greater than myself. The song from Cats only added power to my physical being. But the energy came originally from Source. Source called me to get off my bed and come be creative.
Isn't that wonderful? An old lady feels energy and gets busy creating. Some would say this means I'm connected to my Inner Being. I appreciate that knowledge. But I can't prove I have an Inner Being. But I am able to ride the positive, ride the creation energy. I know for sure, for sure, that the creation energy came from inside somewhere. A human amount of energy would have stayed on the bed.
Wait! I'm an old lady? How did that happen? Maybe I am not an old lady. What is an old lady? What is old? What does old mean? I bring this up because I want to go deeper into the meaning of a person who has been alive a long time. I won't go into long discussions of living in Berkeley CA during the Vietnam war. I won't talk about how television arrived when I was a small child and I used a slide rule my freshman year at college.
What is the depth of long years on this planet? It is more than wrinkled skin or grey hear. I don't have any health issues. I ran 15 mile just yesterday.
The only time I ever snuck out of the house as a teenager was to go to midnight Mass. My family had a ski cabin and we were there for Christmas. I went out the window of my bed room and walked half a block down a hill to the church. It was a cold but clear night with many stars. My mother had talked forever about midnight Mass, but we weren't Catholic. We were unchurched. Yet that one time, it was important to me to go to church. Who was God?
That girl who wondered about God. That is the true core of my being.
A new day, has begun.
Friday, December 20, 2019
Thursday, December 19, 2019
On Thinking
I recently made some changes to my life. The change was to reduce the number of shifts I was working at my part time gig. The reason I made this change was that I realized that my brain was spending more time thinking about the gig than on my personal projects. I was losing my capacity for thinking deeply and writing. Also, the gig required that I be there at 4:30 am 4 days a week, which means that prime thinking time was compromised. When I got home from the gig, I was tired, needed a nap. My brain was shut down for most of the rest of the day, being willing only to read other people's books. I realized that the plan for my retirement, to build phase 3 of my life out of creative writing and addiction studies was being sidelined.
Now, this morning, I was able to focus. Thinking is a brain activity, with a spiritual component. Your brain requires energy, so I still need to sleep. I had a subtle under current of self disrespect: aren't you worthless just sitting here thinking? Well, I always wanted to be a great thinker. This morning I thought about how great thinkers spent their time doing just that, thinking. They may have had a seed idea but then they sat and thought and wrote down the thoughts. Media changes the way you think. For me that is scrolling through Youtube or news feeds.
Nicolas Carr wrote a book about how the Net changes the way you think, "The Shallows". Page 8, "...media aren't just channels of information.They supply the stuff of thought, but they also shape the process of thought. And what the Net seems to be doing is chipping away my capacity for concentration and contemplation...my mind now expects to take in information...in a swiftly moving stream of particles."
Honestly, I quit watching TV decades ago because I didn't want to be Programmed by it. Now, I face that same challenge with the Net. Unfortunately, the Net is far more addictive to the human brain. If I want to be a thinker, I need to maintain longer periods of concentrated thought and abstaining from shallow non-thinking activities. This is a tough challenge because the brain does get dopamine hits from scrolling. I need to continue to find longer piece of work, like a long blog or a book or an article, which cause me to concentrate and spend time reading and thinking. Writing then helps keep the focus of the thoughts.
Thinking is also different from just letting my default node network spin around to where ever from my past history it wants to, unguided by my conscious mind. Thinking should have a focus, a path and a conclusion or a progression. Thinking has a subject, but also thinking is objective. The process of thinking should achieve an objective end. Thinking is different from unconsciously seeking dopamine hits.
Now, this morning, I was able to focus. Thinking is a brain activity, with a spiritual component. Your brain requires energy, so I still need to sleep. I had a subtle under current of self disrespect: aren't you worthless just sitting here thinking? Well, I always wanted to be a great thinker. This morning I thought about how great thinkers spent their time doing just that, thinking. They may have had a seed idea but then they sat and thought and wrote down the thoughts. Media changes the way you think. For me that is scrolling through Youtube or news feeds.
Nicolas Carr wrote a book about how the Net changes the way you think, "The Shallows". Page 8, "...media aren't just channels of information.They supply the stuff of thought, but they also shape the process of thought. And what the Net seems to be doing is chipping away my capacity for concentration and contemplation...my mind now expects to take in information...in a swiftly moving stream of particles."
Honestly, I quit watching TV decades ago because I didn't want to be Programmed by it. Now, I face that same challenge with the Net. Unfortunately, the Net is far more addictive to the human brain. If I want to be a thinker, I need to maintain longer periods of concentrated thought and abstaining from shallow non-thinking activities. This is a tough challenge because the brain does get dopamine hits from scrolling. I need to continue to find longer piece of work, like a long blog or a book or an article, which cause me to concentrate and spend time reading and thinking. Writing then helps keep the focus of the thoughts.
Thinking is also different from just letting my default node network spin around to where ever from my past history it wants to, unguided by my conscious mind. Thinking should have a focus, a path and a conclusion or a progression. Thinking has a subject, but also thinking is objective. The process of thinking should achieve an objective end. Thinking is different from unconsciously seeking dopamine hits.
Thursday, December 5, 2019
A Valley
Here is more of my story. Writing it on this blog might help me figure it out. It relates to Law of Attraction, alignment with my inner being, and finding my way to a new vibration.
Being in a spiritual valley can be a good thing as it causes you to look at what you have been doing and make changes for the future.
Nov 8/9, I ran a 50 mile race. The race it self was an experience of being in the zone. It was so easy to accomplish. And the drive home featured a magnificent sunset which seemed like the Universe winking at me in joy. I mention this because it was the top of a mountain experience. I've since fallen off.
I took off work the day after the race (Sunday). Monday and Tuesday I had shifts at Starbucks. These turned out to be difficult as my physical resources were largely depleted, and I had a couple of blisters which made time on my feet painful. Also, after a conversation with one of the shift managers, I made my decision to quit working at Starbucks.
When I talked to the store manager about quitting, she didn't want me to quit, especially for my reasons: feeling disrespected and worn out. So, I didn't quit, only reduced the number of hours by more than half. But I also had two more weeks of survival mode. Survival mode is how I've survived getting to work at 4:30 am four days a week for the past year. I sort of knew I was in it, but didn't consciously ask myself about it. I just did it. Well, survival mode had been feeling worse and worse. Like everyday asking myself, "How am I going to get through today?" As I looked at Thanksgiving week, coming off 4 days of work in a row and going into 3 more days after Thanksgiving, plus going to the monastery for Thanksgiving, I knew I dreaded the whole thing. So I got a cold. Trying to manage the cold and go to work (after Thanksgiving) meant overdosing on cold medicine. Bad mistake. I got a sinus infection.
Now, this week (Dec 2) is the first week of reduced hours, only two shifts of 5.5 hours. I felt free the moment I got out of the last long shift (Tuesday). I felt my focus move from Starbucks to writing and conscious creation. That was yesterday (Wednesday) morning. But, God, my head was still full of gunk, bad gunk. However, the guidance I got from my inner being, since I was meditating instead of going to work, was to look on google for remedies for a sinus infection (since doctors are powerless over virus's). I learned about sinus rinsing, and apple cider vinegar. Wild horses could not have stopped me from enacting sinus rinsing. I felt that push of alignment with my inner being. I know, I felt it over an unspiritual thing like a sinus infection but it really felt like spiritual alignment. I obtained the materials at CVS and have tried it 3 times. Now at least the mucus is fluid and clear.
This morning (Thursday), I finished another chapter of my spiritual writing, four now done. Then I looked at the title page, which I have not looked at for months. I realized that I like the title alot. "A THOUSAND MEDITATIONS -- For Addicts and Other Humans" I have 3 more chapters to edit and write introductions. That is a bit of work. I feel good about getting it done.
I still think that phase 3 of my life is in a valley, not yet climbing very far up the mountain. I feel much happier with Starbucks off my mind and not a focus. Being sick has caused me to pause. I ask for guidance for each next step. Abraham says,"I'll never get it done." This saying means, I am an extension of Source energy, an eternal being, and so there is always more. I want to understand more about being a vibrational being. I have the space in my life to focus on my inner being.
So, I am in a valley but looking forward to climbing another mountain. I don't know what the next mountain is, but I know it is there.
Monday, November 18, 2019
Nice People
The couple stood there outside the library. The day was not too terribly cold, but it was a November day and there was a chilly wind. He was in a suit and she was in a skirt. He was brunette and she was blond. They were a nice looking couple, at least for a white suburban location.
Beside them was a portable set of shelves carrying religious pamphlets and books. By the look of the tracts, I knew what religion these people were proselytizing for. I had seen other people from that religion in that same location before. Usually I give them a wide berth, as I enter the library. The couple looked a little forlorn since it was a quiet time of day at the library, and anyway, the library makes those kind of people stand a distance away from the entrance.
Today was different. As I parked my car, looking out the car window from the parking lot, I realized that I knew these people. I worked with the girl, and her man also came into our workplace. It would be rude to just brush by them without looking. I may not be religious, and prefer not to interact with proselytizers, but I am not rude. I may not believe I am a sinner. I may not believe I need a savior. Despite my lack of religious belief, being nice is wired into my humanity.
So, I looked out my car window and saw my peeps standing there with their little book shelf. I realized that I was going to go over and say hi to them and be nice, regardless of their religion or their purpose in standing there. And that is what I did. No I didn't pick up any tracts. But I was nice.
Who I am, and who any human really is, is nice. We just are. Accept it. Believe it. Isn't it wonderful that humans are so nice? Doesn't it make you want to be one?
Beside them was a portable set of shelves carrying religious pamphlets and books. By the look of the tracts, I knew what religion these people were proselytizing for. I had seen other people from that religion in that same location before. Usually I give them a wide berth, as I enter the library. The couple looked a little forlorn since it was a quiet time of day at the library, and anyway, the library makes those kind of people stand a distance away from the entrance.
Today was different. As I parked my car, looking out the car window from the parking lot, I realized that I knew these people. I worked with the girl, and her man also came into our workplace. It would be rude to just brush by them without looking. I may not be religious, and prefer not to interact with proselytizers, but I am not rude. I may not believe I am a sinner. I may not believe I need a savior. Despite my lack of religious belief, being nice is wired into my humanity.
So, I looked out my car window and saw my peeps standing there with their little book shelf. I realized that I was going to go over and say hi to them and be nice, regardless of their religion or their purpose in standing there. And that is what I did. No I didn't pick up any tracts. But I was nice.
Who I am, and who any human really is, is nice. We just are. Accept it. Believe it. Isn't it wonderful that humans are so nice? Doesn't it make you want to be one?
The Next Phase of my Development
So. ten days ago, I ran 50 miles in a race. It was a high time. I was in the zone for many of those miles. No injuries. Yesterday I had an 11 mile run in the forest. Today I ran 7 very fast miles, 10.3 min/mile. Yesterday's video:
In the middle of this week, I decided to carry out some thoughts which had been in my head for awhile. Yes, a couple of events brought emotion into the picture and I snapped. I tried to quit my barista job. Mainly because it was interfering with writing. My identity is really not:barista. So I don't want barista work occupying my brain and using the morning hours which are best for reflecting. As time went on, I was becoming more and more tired and less writing was happening. I tried to quit all together, but the store manager talked me into reducing to 2 short shifts per week, only one early morning and only one weekend day. That helps a lot to lighten the physical and mental burden. I can also plan on keeping the healthcare benefit for another year.
But now, I have my mornings for writing and editing. I won't be as exhausted. I'm excited to have the free time and mental space to create new situations. I also have more freedom to follow intuition. I feel momentum increasing on my book project. This morning was my first time in months to do Morning Pages. Less work returns me to the plan I had a year ago when I retired to do writing. But I must not have been ready so I got a part time job. Now I'm ready to try again. I know a lot more about what I need to do.
In the middle of this week, I decided to carry out some thoughts which had been in my head for awhile. Yes, a couple of events brought emotion into the picture and I snapped. I tried to quit my barista job. Mainly because it was interfering with writing. My identity is really not:barista. So I don't want barista work occupying my brain and using the morning hours which are best for reflecting. As time went on, I was becoming more and more tired and less writing was happening. I tried to quit all together, but the store manager talked me into reducing to 2 short shifts per week, only one early morning and only one weekend day. That helps a lot to lighten the physical and mental burden. I can also plan on keeping the healthcare benefit for another year.
But now, I have my mornings for writing and editing. I won't be as exhausted. I'm excited to have the free time and mental space to create new situations. I also have more freedom to follow intuition. I feel momentum increasing on my book project. This morning was my first time in months to do Morning Pages. Less work returns me to the plan I had a year ago when I retired to do writing. But I must not have been ready so I got a part time job. Now I'm ready to try again. I know a lot more about what I need to do.
Saturday, November 9, 2019
Because I Can
An awesome thing happened to me today: I ran 50.4 miles. The awesome part was that I didn't have to and there was no reward for doing it. I did it because I wanted to.period.
See, the belt buckle was given when I reached 50k (31 miles). But, then, well, I felt good. Why stop there. I was in no hurry to go home, so ahead I went for another lap. And then another lap. And then getting up to 42 miles, I thought, why not go for the 50? I had the laps in me. Nothing was wrong other than a bit tired legs. And it was warm. And I could do it before the sun went down.
I wasn't the only one. It was a 24 hour race. Everyone got a buckle at 50k. But most of the runners continued on, even up past 100 miles. The only reward is internal really. The feeling of what you did is a thing to be remembered and contemplated.
Let me focus on what really astonishes me. I did it for no reward. Not for a bigger buckle or an award of any kind. I just felt like continuing to run even after I got the buckle at 50k. I felt like it so I did it. Usually, I stop when I get the buckle. Today, I just kept going because I wanted to. Sorry to repeat myself three times, but the feeling of going on and on was new to me. The feeling of running more than the required number of miles just because I felt good was incredible. Some mental hurdle disappeared. No resistance at all. It changed the way I look at my life:
I go to work at Starbucks because I can. I jog in forests because I can. I drive a cool car because I can. I drink purified spring water because I can. There is almost no "have to" about my life at the moment. I do what I want because I can.
Driving home, Kansas gave me a treat of a magnificent sunset. Perfect!
See, the belt buckle was given when I reached 50k (31 miles). But, then, well, I felt good. Why stop there. I was in no hurry to go home, so ahead I went for another lap. And then another lap. And then getting up to 42 miles, I thought, why not go for the 50? I had the laps in me. Nothing was wrong other than a bit tired legs. And it was warm. And I could do it before the sun went down.
I wasn't the only one. It was a 24 hour race. Everyone got a buckle at 50k. But most of the runners continued on, even up past 100 miles. The only reward is internal really. The feeling of what you did is a thing to be remembered and contemplated.
Let me focus on what really astonishes me. I did it for no reward. Not for a bigger buckle or an award of any kind. I just felt like continuing to run even after I got the buckle at 50k. I felt like it so I did it. Usually, I stop when I get the buckle. Today, I just kept going because I wanted to. Sorry to repeat myself three times, but the feeling of going on and on was new to me. The feeling of running more than the required number of miles just because I felt good was incredible. Some mental hurdle disappeared. No resistance at all. It changed the way I look at my life:
I go to work at Starbucks because I can. I jog in forests because I can. I drive a cool car because I can. I drink purified spring water because I can. There is almost no "have to" about my life at the moment. I do what I want because I can.
Driving home, Kansas gave me a treat of a magnificent sunset. Perfect!
Thursday, November 7, 2019
Immediate Help
Last evening,I fell into an emotional hole. I knew that if I continued to think the thoughts I was thinking, I end up going down a certain path which I didn't think I wanted to go down. I knew I needed help from my Inner Being. I hadn't truly been conscious of the fact that I had fallen into an emotional hole or why. I felt down on myself and despairing of ever been good enough for my work situation. Clarity was achieved this morning. I slept good and long and I have a day off to reflect.
Be that as it may, last night, I asked for help from my Inner Being, and help was immediately sent. I noticed it. First, as I was driving to a fellowship meeting, I felt gratitude for the work situation which seemed to be troubling me. That is, I remembered the positive aspects. Second, at the fellowship, I sat next to a man who has known me for more than 30 years, and who also is a wise man older than me. Out of the blue, he said, "You seem completely different since you came back. Completely relaxed." Well, this was someone else seeing in me what I could not see in myself, at least not in a moment of emotional turmoil. A gift from the Higher Power since I immediately felt the truth of it. This man has been associating with me for the past year, so however I felt in the moment, my overall vibration is relaxed. Third, the fellowship discussion was on "Go With the Flow." Wait another synchronous event, message from non-physical, reply of the Higher Power. And several people shared how they do prayer and meditation. These three things helped me relax and realize that I need do nothing about my situation.
This morning, after that long sleep, I realize that working 6 days in a row may have exhausted me, and when I am exhausted, I am very emotionally sensitive. And my perception of events at work yesterday left my inner child in emotional turmoil. It seems reasonable now, but last night I was spiraling into an emotional hole.
This morning, having a day off, I pulled out my writing work and continued my editing. This is the first thing I read:
Have mercy on yourself. Stop and be calm a moment. Look inside. We all need to get beyond the raging thoughts in our heads, and get to know our truth.
“As soon as we settle down in hope and confidence to discover the deeper forces within ourselves, they begin to become active.” (Brunton, The Quest for the Over Self, pg 206)
Meditate/ contemplate on your own depths and inner strengths. These are your silent deeper forces. They wait for your attention. Merely shift focus from your obsession to the depths of your being. Get beyond the raging obsessive thoughts and pay attention to the deeper forces.
Listen and new thoughts will come into your mind.
Shoot. My own writing really helped me: Have mercy on yourself.
Also this morning, I got an e-mail from someone who appreciated me. That was super great timing. All the above is to say: I get it. The Universe helps me along. My Inner Being gives me the information I need. Without the synchronicity, or the ability to notice it, I could have headed down a path to changing my life in unnecessary ways. When really, my life is arranged at the moment in a way which facilitates carrying out my dream. I need patience and perseverance because carrying out the dream takes time. Also, related to my emotional turmoil and carrying out my dream, I watched a video yesterday about a woman who saved a kitten. She said she accomplished saving the kitten through "pure stubborn-ness." And for me to accomplish my dream, I need stubborn-ness.
I need do nothing. For the next several weeks, my work schedule returns to a normal pattern of only working 2 or 3 days in a row, not six. I can return to my writing project.
I'm going in a race this weekend. The weather looks perfect. Yee Ha!
Be that as it may, last night, I asked for help from my Inner Being, and help was immediately sent. I noticed it. First, as I was driving to a fellowship meeting, I felt gratitude for the work situation which seemed to be troubling me. That is, I remembered the positive aspects. Second, at the fellowship, I sat next to a man who has known me for more than 30 years, and who also is a wise man older than me. Out of the blue, he said, "You seem completely different since you came back. Completely relaxed." Well, this was someone else seeing in me what I could not see in myself, at least not in a moment of emotional turmoil. A gift from the Higher Power since I immediately felt the truth of it. This man has been associating with me for the past year, so however I felt in the moment, my overall vibration is relaxed. Third, the fellowship discussion was on "Go With the Flow." Wait another synchronous event, message from non-physical, reply of the Higher Power. And several people shared how they do prayer and meditation. These three things helped me relax and realize that I need do nothing about my situation.
This morning, after that long sleep, I realize that working 6 days in a row may have exhausted me, and when I am exhausted, I am very emotionally sensitive. And my perception of events at work yesterday left my inner child in emotional turmoil. It seems reasonable now, but last night I was spiraling into an emotional hole.
This morning, having a day off, I pulled out my writing work and continued my editing. This is the first thing I read:
Have mercy on yourself. Stop and be calm a moment. Look inside. We all need to get beyond the raging thoughts in our heads, and get to know our truth.
“As soon as we settle down in hope and confidence to discover the deeper forces within ourselves, they begin to become active.” (Brunton, The Quest for the Over Self, pg 206)
Meditate/ contemplate on your own depths and inner strengths. These are your silent deeper forces. They wait for your attention. Merely shift focus from your obsession to the depths of your being. Get beyond the raging obsessive thoughts and pay attention to the deeper forces.
Listen and new thoughts will come into your mind.
Also this morning, I got an e-mail from someone who appreciated me. That was super great timing. All the above is to say: I get it. The Universe helps me along. My Inner Being gives me the information I need. Without the synchronicity, or the ability to notice it, I could have headed down a path to changing my life in unnecessary ways. When really, my life is arranged at the moment in a way which facilitates carrying out my dream. I need patience and perseverance because carrying out the dream takes time. Also, related to my emotional turmoil and carrying out my dream, I watched a video yesterday about a woman who saved a kitten. She said she accomplished saving the kitten through "pure stubborn-ness." And for me to accomplish my dream, I need stubborn-ness.
I need do nothing. For the next several weeks, my work schedule returns to a normal pattern of only working 2 or 3 days in a row, not six. I can return to my writing project.
I'm going in a race this weekend. The weather looks perfect. Yee Ha!
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