Will

There is a thing I wish to speak of: will.

Today, during my long run, I was experiencing will and not-enough-will. I am signed up to run a 50 mile race in 2 weeks. Logically, my Silverton race was great training for a 50 miles race. But I cringe because there is a big difference in running 50 miles over 2 days and running it all at once. It is not a matter of finishing, but of how much pain will I be in?

It takes will to go out there 2 days in a row and complete 20+ mile training runs. Today, I realized that somewhere after 5 hours, I usually decide I've had enough for that day. But to be a better ultra runner, I need to train longer than that. In a race, the other people push you to keep going. The threat of a DNF next to your name keeps you going.

And this lead me to yet another thought: how much of my thoughts are associated with other people. This is why I don't watch TV or participate in society in many other ways. I don't want other people's thoughts in my head. I want my own thoughts. Since I believe the Voice for God is very quiet and wordless, I have yet another reason for being quiet. I really want to hear the Voice for God more than anything else. Even running, when I find my mind wrapped up in worldly thoughts, I can change to a silent channel. Or at least to a channel that plays one of my own thoughts.

Most often, I turn to my spiritual creed and repeat some part of it over and over. Today, "Love based thinking is my one desire. Inner peace is what I really want."

Back to will: I got 5h26 min done today. This weekend was a high mark since Silverton (over 44 miles between Saturday and Sunday). I can imagine myself going further, but in actuality, I don't; except in races.

I have a big question mark: I interviewed last week for an inter-company transfer. The hiring manager and his boss both liked me and indicated they would move forward. But our company is weird and things don't always work out the way a manager wants. So, I keep holding the question mark at bay with my spiritual litany: Inner peace is what I really want.

I realize that there might not be a God. I realize that there may not be any higher power working on my behalf. But I do much better emotionally if I employ faith in a higher power.