So much soul searching today.
I woke up at 4 am, but was stiff from yesterday’s workout. I shut off the alarm, set to go off at 5, and went back to sleep until 7. My first thought at 7 was, “you are piddling away your vacation.” Wow! Positive start to the day.
I think I should be accomplishing something during vacation; like working out more or something. As I sat reflecting, over coffee, I also faced my work fears. That is, sometimes my job and colleagues terrify me: so much to get done (correct and on time), and a “power over” relationship which is pressing my inner child emotional buttons. Then my day's first self denigrating thought extended itself to my entire life: what a waste my life is. I was taught that I should do something great and leave a legacy, but sadly, all my efforts so far have failed (and I have tried).
I sat in silence some more…a moment of clarity occurred. My plan for my life involves going deeper within. I’ve barely scratched the surface of realities beyond the worldly one. It is true that what I yearn for is not here, not within worldly accomplishment. I am a student of A Course in Miracles (ACIM). My practice is to continually deny ego and to deny it’s belief in sin; instead seeing (with inner eyes) “what-God-loves.”
God being love would only make love. This love must be in what God created, but the ego does not see it because the ego does not want it. The ego wants to see others as sinners; so that is all it sees. So I must use a way of seeing which does not involve ego. I call this using my inner eyes, Christ eyes. The inner eyes can see “what-God-loves.”
It occurs to me that the normal mind set (loving a few, annoyed or critical or indifferent to most, hating a few) is not good enough for me. I insist on having a hate free mind because that is freedom for me. I see that what I want the most, and desperately want to succeed at, is seeing things differently, seeing “what-God-loves.” I need to identify with the divine presence in me (what I sometimes call Christ). If you found a way to escape all fear and hate, frustration and sickness, by seeing “what-God-loves,” wouldn’t you drop everything else and run along that way with all of your body, mind and spirit? ACIM is what I’ve been given. I’ve studied it long enough to know what it means, and see enough outcome to know it is true. I have faith in what I’ve been given.
Therefore, here is the result of my vacation/retreat: I am dedicating my life (again) to seeing “what-God-loves;” and learning to use my inner Christ eyes to see it. The Holy Spirit is awarded another year’s contract to be my Teacher.
I have to throw my heart into something. This is THAT THING.
So, then I had a fabulous workout. I used my ex-machines for 2h10 while I listened to NPR. Then, I hit the trails for 2h27 (about 10 miles). I really really am getting stronger. I was able to leap over what I couldn’t before. When I tripped, I could catch myself. When I got to the easy parts, I had the energy to pick up the speed. I’ve found a way to add 9 flights of stairs to each lap, just to add some additional strength and coordination.
Maybe I’ll get some free weights in this evening. Tomorrow is a celebration day. I’m thinking I’ll do another run combo of flats and trails. I plan to add the steep trail up the dam to at least one of the trail loops (for the first time I feel capable). I will end part one of the ACIM workbook and begin part 2 on Monday. I am starting a new nutrition notebook. Maybe I’ll go in a 50k next weekend.