Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Choosing Again

Students of A Course in Miracles have heard of this choice. Heck, Ken Wapnack wrote a whole book on it.

It struck me this morning that what I have been doing the past couple of days is choosing again: I am as God created me. God is love and created only love. Anything I think I see which is not love is an illusion of my own making and and error in my mind. I can at any moment choose again and get help from the Holy Spirit.

Why do I think this? I was thinking alot on Tuesday during my run about how I cannot re-enter a normal social life, religious life, family life or even running life. When I took my running out of the race, I took myself off the page when it comes to relating to others. I wondered if I should hire a shrink to make me swallow my opinions and practices and go be a normal person. I wondered if I am depressed? I was experiencing the stress and tension that comes from an ego realizing it is outside of any sort of ego affirming activity and likely to remain there. To take your ego out of the race is a way to achieve solitude.

Then a little voice said, "Why do you think there is something wrong just because you don't behave as others? You are free. Stop worrying about it and just be free." And I did stop worrying about it. Today, the choice became clear; and it is one I just re-affirmed. I accept that I am as God created me. I am love; therefore, I give up trying to fit in this world. What matters is the choice to be as God created me.

I hear the call to listen deeply to the inner voice. I want to continue giving it all I can.

Between yesterday and today: I cancelled my hotel reservation in Oklahoma for a 24 hour race in October; I corresponded with one of the racers in the 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race which reminded me of contemplative running; I haven't kept up my running mania journal for 2 days. I got involved with contemplation because I wanted to sit in a room by myself and meditate. My monastic journey was an attempt to achieve solitude. I want to listen to God. So I have cancelled a number of other things. I want eliminate other things besides listening to God. That has been my downfall: too many worldly activites.

That deep inner silence is so attractive, I simply must go to it.

No comments: