Musings on Life

OK, so I want to write the dream for the rest of my life? I decided that last weekend. Well, at least write the dream for the next phase. Last week, I also decided that the dream would not be a copy of anyone else’s dream. I plan to make my dream of my characteristics, things which seem unique to me; or at least my qualities which are way way away from the peak of the normal bell curve of human life as it is around me.

What I like: running, being an athlete, spiritual study (A Course in Miracles), green tea with soy milk, dieting and eating off the bell curve, my apartment, my Prius, and communion with my soul.

Things different about me: doing life as a solo, woman engineer always working with men, endurance, intelligence, not-going-along-ism, thinking, discipline, adaptability, my choice of fiction.

Features of my life: the levy where I run, fear of spiders, process safety, money, God and Jesus.

My life is devoid of: alcohol or mind altering drugs, friends, sex, potato chips, music, TV, voting, holidays, meat, medicine and disease, pets, property, social position, career advancement and religion.

God has been a problem since I was 22. Shortly thereafter, Jesus came into the picture. Jesus was not tossed immediately because he represented a potential promise: salvation. I don’t want salvation as it is explained in the Christian denomination: accept Jesus as Lord, be forgiven your sins and get into heaven when you die. I want salvation in different terms, like: enlightenment, transcendence or contemplatio. These terms are living things. These terms are for the now.

I deeply deeply want to escape from something I call this world or ordinary human outlook. I want something more; and I’ve been on a determined quest for the reality beyond for decades.

There is a series of doorways through which I’ve ventured. In each one, I found interesting things and useful tools, information, pain, disappointment and growth. Despite a long series of seeming failure, or at least only partial success, I seem to have a limitless supply of energy for the quest. Do I keep on? Or do I try to find something different?

I already did: dysfunctional family, world travel, therapy, alcoholism and recovery in AA, career, Harley Davidson, being a girl friend, fasting, meditation, cloistered monasticism. I reject status, titles and identifying logos.

My something different idea, my change to procedures, is to take an active role. I plan to be the conscious projector, and not be dissociated from my projections. I am going to dream the meaningful content and then perceive it materializing.

I have the tools and the energy. I’m not sure of my raw materials. I don’t think I have a blueprint, a design. Or perhaps I do have a design but I don’t understand it. Or perhaps everything needed is lying at my feet, but I am afraid of pain so I haven’t sat down with the instructions and really tried to understand them and put the pieces together.

As I wrote that last paragraph, I strongly thought that A Course in Miracles was the instructions and that I have been piecing things together. I’m just not done yet.

Different. I’ve got to be different than the unconscious people I see. I don’t want what the other people have. I want a unique pattern and I want to continue to evolve. I imagine the unlimited and endless possibility for life as an ego-less person. I can live a transcendent spirituality. I have truth, character, integrity and depth.

I am totally thrilled by long distance running and weight lifting; though I cannot explain its transcendental qualities to the non-runner. I cherish celibacy; though hardly anyone has any conception of what this means. The ascetic life is like water to a dehydrated person. A Course in Miracles is still my treasure trove, my secret box of gems. As I write this, I feel a piece of acceptance fall into place. I cannot share the things most important to me with others on the physical plane of reality; but what is wrong with having a secret way of perceiving?

I actually do dream of running forever…Taking the long way home…

Supertramp, “Take the Long Way Home”:

“Does it feel that your life's become a catastrophe?
Oooohh, it has to be for you to grow, boy.
When you look through the years and see what you could
have been oh, what might have been,
if you would had more time.

So, when the day comes to settle down,
Who's to blame if you're not around?
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
You took the long way home
Long way home..
Long way home..
Long way home..”