The Holy Road - Ultracentric Report

Is it this?

Or this?

I've done both. The first one is of the chapel at The Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration. A place where I spent several years. The second is the road at Ultracentric. Ultracentric is an ultra-marathon. this road is part of a 2 mile loop.

I'm not sure there is a difference between a nun and an ultra-runner. None is more special to God; as God gives salvation to all.

I just spent 15 hours and 54 miles on the Ultracentric road. I met several people. Many of the people are retired, but able to walk all day for several days. One gal had a broken arm but walked like crazy. One man had osteoporosis, but 50 years ago, he was an Olympic cyclist. Some were great runners who did run most of the time.

The park was near Dallas Fort Worth airport. As I watched the planes all day, it occurred to me that I was totally glad to not be waiting around there for a frigging airplane. But I also realized that I got the "no place like home" feeling whenever I came in for a late night landing from a business trip.

They had a wonderful tent kitchen on course making food for the racers. But it was meat centered. So no lunch for me. I realized that I am so outside the pale as a vegetarian and that I don't lead a food centered life any more. I'd gone through this same awkwardness at work on Friday as the department had lunch together; but I refused to eat the oil soaked pasta and ate my home-made salad. This not-part-of-the-society life is a friction. But I felt a new courage to be me. The non-food-centered life is part of my monastic legacy; or maybe just an ongoing loathing to sit and eat with people.

I did real well with my 4 mph pacing up through 32 miles, but then lost time as the temperatures fell, I put on more clothes and stopped jogging and only walked. I had said my goal was 100 miles so I was being conservative on speed. I was determined to keep walking no matter what.

After 13.5 hours, I looked at my counter and saw that I had been 50 miles. It was dark and cold, few lights in the park. A lady was behind me. I slowed and mentioned that I had just passed 50 miles and that no matter how long it took me, I had done the deed. She had been there a day longer than me and had 130 miles. She was a Chech ex-pat who lived in Las Vegas and was a dealer. She walked with me for more than a lap. She wanted company to stay awake. Her goal was 200 miles but she knew she wasn't going to make it. So we talked. My voice becoming more and more ragged in the cold air (34F).  I discussed my qualms about the long road ahead. I had learned about myself as the day wore on. As the 40 mile mark passed I admitted that I don't really want to tear up my body any more than what is required for 50 miles. I don't like that idea because it might mean that I am out of commission for a couple of weeks. That happened the one time I made it to 80 miles. Nearing the middle of a cold dark night in Dallas, I became concerned about walking just long enough to extricate myself from the situation; going home as soon as possible.

When my dealer friend stopped for a bio-break, I went on by myself. I was feeling ok it seemed, except for 2 bouts with the squirts. It was nearing mid-night. I stopped at my car to eat and think about what to do. Round 3 of the squirts demanded an outlet, luckily my car was close to some really good restrooms. As I walked out, I felt totally weak and uncoordinated: bonked hard.

So I crawled into the car where there was an air mattress and a warm sleeping bag. Well problem A; the sleeping bag fits the Prius good, but I don't. So I couldn't lay flat. Hell of a time to find that out. After 50 miles it is futile to think my body is going to be comfortable on either side. And I was shivering uncontrollably; I guess I was colder than I had realized. Was I going into shock? After awhile, I began to wonder if I was using up all the oxygen in my air tight Prius. But I couldn't open a window without getting up and going around to the drivers side, then all the noise outside would be too great. I had to do something different. I had the number for the Holiday Inn on the top of my BB call log. I called them to see if they had any vacancies. They did and at 2 am, they offered me a fantastic rate.

Suddenly my race was over. Self preservation won. 10 min later, all my stuff was thrown in the car and I was on the road. By 2:30, I was in the hotel lobby and talking with the very friendly clerk who I had met the night before when I stayed there.

I showered. Drank my soy milk and swallowed some spirulina and read my book. Then, I turned off the lights and did go to sleep. At that point, except for a destroyed toe nail, my body didn't seem too bad. I woke up at 8 am and could have gone back to the race course and walked some more. I could have at least gone to get my participants medal. But I couldn't shake the idea that that was stupid. Why go continue to walk around on sore feet. My plantar tendon was the greatest vote. And I didn't go ask for my medal since I didn't want to explain to anyone why I was quitting when people in much more pain continued on.

So, I had a non-stop trip to Houston; and with no commuter traffic, I was home in 4 hours.

Ultracentric - On the Road

This is how my car looked as I got ready to come to work today. See the blue air mattress and how handily it fits in a Prius?

I had a dream last night. I ran one 2 mile lap of the course and then stopped. It was a beautiful course. I couldn't remember why I stopped because there didn't seem to be anything wrong with me. So I started to worry about what excuse I would use to tell others why I didn't finish the race.

Very metaphysical!

I am letting go. I don't control what time I get done with work today or the traffic getting out of Houston. So, let the adventure unfold. Whatever happens, happens. The Holy Spirit is in charge.

Ultracentric Prelude

I have several things on my mind related to this race. But the first one is: how traffic will there be getting out of Houston at 4:30 tomorrow. Normally, I'd cut work, but as of now, I can't. I'll feel much better after I get off the Hardy Toll Road and onto I45 heading north.

I've been shuffling my things around the house; some for this bag, some for that bag, some in the car, some for the cooler. I've been making final adjustments to the shoes. The air mattress fits perfectly in the Prius.

But, why? I've failed 3 times at 100 mile attempts. Either I'm just in too much pain; or I lose heart.

I started doing ultra-marathons as part of my Self Transcendence project. I don't think I've ever been far enough or long enough to transcend anything. But I still do the long distance running.

I think alot about my quest for enlightenment, or Self Transcendence. I think about my convent life and how it never could have worked. The "Grand Silence" I practice every night at home and all weekend long is more than the convent had. My long distance running is a Grand Silence.

So, back to the 100 mile question. I guess I won't know what the prize is until I obtain it. Certainly, what it means to me is not what it means to others. I've read lots of race reports. I don't think I want what they have.

It is now Wednesday evening. I've played with this blog several times today. But the answer finally hit me: its whats on the race shirt I got in Colorado last summer.

See, my Colorado training vacation was almost ruined since my left foot was killing me. But I saw this on the back of the race shirt and started crying. I realized that despite my decrepit body, I was out there completing a half marathon, even if I got last place.

I'll toe the line at Ultracentric but after that, I don't want to measure myself in comparative numbers but in heart. If I throw my heart over the bar, thats all I want.

It's Hard....

.... to blog when your mind is quiet.

Today, Sunday, I went for a easy 14.3 miles in Seabrook. It was a final check on my shoes for long distance comfort. I needed to see if I got my customization completely comfortable. It went astoundingly well.

I spent the run with the following phrases from ACIM Lesson 76: "I am under no laws but God's." Hold your mind in silent readiness to hear the Voice which speaks of the truth of Love.

So, if you have a truly quiet mind, there can't be much to say. In worldly terms, it is not a life. I accept this emptiness and just wait. I get up each day and do what must be done and go to bed with the same amount of nothing I woke up with.

Do interesting things happen? Yes. Are the interesting things over and then I move on? Yes. Excitement seems to not stick with me. I have nothing most of the time.

That said....

I am getting ready for Ultracentric in Dallas next weekend. I am signed up for 48 hours, but this is just because I can't finish 100 miles in 24 hours (the next lower race). I have not obtained more than 86 miles in any one race. So this is an attempt at an unknown. Can I keep walking long enough to go 100 miles? Or at what point will the pain win? There will be pain.

Year to date:

Today is my anniversary of my migration to Texas.

My life has been through many phases. Born and raised in Berkeley California. College at the University of California. Moving to Missouri and working in various places. The years in AA. The years riding Harley's. The years in the convent. The years in a small town in Kansas. And now, Texas.

At this point, silence returns. A Course in Miracles is my chosen theosophy, but it urges silence. Space and time must be given to silence. Silence returns silence.

Desperately Searching....

.....for a hill.

I live in a totally flat area. No hills for 60 miles. So today, I bit the bullet and started training on tall grassy mounds. Up down around, up down around, etc. Well, the quads do get some work that way.

The tallest mound there is about 20 feet, surrounded by long 5 foot mounds. So, there. I did it for a little while today.

The whole time, I was thinking about a guy I met a Silverton 1000 in 2011. His name is Ed Ettinghausen. You can Google him and find out that he holds a record for running 135 marathons in one year. What I most remember about him at Silverton is that he seemed to be barely moving. Yet, when I checked the results later, I saw that barely moving adds up after awhile. I was impressed. I want to be like Ed. See, my knees/heels aren't pain free and won't be in this lifetime. But, I can go forward slowly. What I lack is the mental stick-to-it-ive-ness. Yes, I have tons of perseverance, but it usually fades before the end of my physical resources.

So I have some racing challenges in my future where my mental game will get a total workout.

Re-group

Last night, in the Charlotte airport on my way home from Germany, I saw a young female sailor in her whites with a big back pack and carrying her cap. I felt a slight swelling of tears. That was my wish a long time ago: to be in the military. I stood at the recruiting table in college and yearned; but back then, women didn't get to do anything interesting. I wanted the uniform and the way of life. I couldn't have it.

The same thing happened when I stood at the doors of The Church. I realized that within those doors was a mysterious religion governed by men. I couldn't go in. I went and became an Episcopalian. I eventually breached The Church and even entered a convent and went to school at a seminary. But in the final analysis when I decided to walk away, the all male hierarchy was something I couldn't devote my life to.

The customs agent was making small talk with me as she checked my passport last night. She wanted to know what I did. I proudly said I was an engineer. She seemed to perk up and wanted to know what kind. I even more proudly said I was a Process Safety Engineer.

So, I got home without any problems last night. I slept ok but got up at 6 am. I have been drinking tea and reading A Course in Miracles Text: The laws of chaos, chapter 23.II. I am doing laundry and I am dressed in running clothes. I reflect on my life as it continues on. I realize that Germany was good for my career, but not a dopamine reward experience. And then a breakthrough thought....

My convent life was really about leaving the world physically. A Course in Miracles is about leaving the world in your mind; because you learn it is an illusion. So, I have been on an intentional journey away from dopamine rewards (ego) and the result is that the world means nothing. Again I decide today that only God consciousness means anything to me today.

And so a person gets out of bed in the morning. I look forward to a practice of God consciousness and the ACIM practice of looking beyond. And whatever else, training or working, is not the focus. The focus can only be God.

The young woman in the sailor suit? I hope she gets her dreams. and I know that my dreams were yearning for Something. I now define Something as God consciousness. God is all I want.

Reflections on Germany

I am in the Charlotte airport on my way home from a 10 day business trip to Germany; home base of the company I work for.

I can't frame this experience at all really. I used to have definitive points to assess about sizable events in my life or seeming milestones. But I don't find any big rocks for this trip.

In terms of A Course in Miracles, this lack of emphasis could be the right thing. It means that my life is not hanging on ego or dopamine reward experiences.

I'll list my musings:
My talk before the large group went very well and many guys said I did good; even the next day. What I remember is that Mr VP who introduced me also took credit for me as formerly of his group; and I got an ovation on my way to the podium (most only got the final ovation).

I had written "Be Awesome" on my hand. Later, I e-mailed my picture to my boss in Houston. She said I was awesome.

I felt gratified that I got up early and went in a race on Sunday. Not that I did well, but that I got out of my  easy rut and challenged myself to drive to a strange place and go through all the normal things done at races, only in German.

The fact of meeting important people and flying around first class hasn't gone to my head. In fact, I did remind myself of something from the Rule of Benedict: I am a worm and no woman. Staying small headed is how I go through a day with a good deal more joy than if I got too big.

I went to a group banquet. It lasted 5 hours and the wine was flowing freely. I didn't drink. I don't often mention that I am a sober person. In fact, I haven't been to AA or even spent any time thinking about sobriety in years. But, during the banquet, during a quiet moment in the ladies room, I thanked God that I was sober. See as a drunk, I'm sure I would have somehow embarrassed myself and felt terrible shame. As it is, nothing happened. What didn't happen was I didn't become a drunk with a big head and mouth.

I ran almost every day in Germany. I completed 100 Yurek Crunches all the days but one. I did my spiritual study every day.

So all these musings lead me to wish I had some thread of learning. But I just live my life each day. None of these events throw it out of balance. I have no huge mental fantasy regarding my glorious future in my company. Actually, I just hope for a good trip to Ultracentric in 2 weeks.