The Wonder of It All

Yesterday evening, I ran 8.2 miles around Brummerhop Park across the street from where I live. I didn't know how that would feel this morning, but all was ok. So I did a jog/walk of 18.12 miles at Meador Park. This evening, I lifted free weights and did another 10 minutes on the ex-bike, 30 minutes on the elliptical and 5 minutes on the Versa Climber.

While I was running today, I decided to sign up for a 12 hour run in St Louis over Labor day weekend. This will keep me from going to Silverton Colorado (a good thing), but still give me a race to look forward too. St Louis is very easy to get to also.

And that is why I pile up the hours of exercise. I look forward to 12 and 24 hour races. I still have a race in Oklahoma in October I'm considering and another in Dallas in November. Plus the likely possibility of running a night race in Oklahoma over 4th of July.

While I was exercising tonight, I closed my eyes and thought about my spiritual phrases for the next 24 hours: "There is a peace which Christ bestows on us," "The gift of Christ is all I seek today."

Christ, that inner presence, not anything to do with the denominational Christian Christ.

As I think of sharing my life with the inner Christ, it seems like a joining a poignant as making love.

Fenton City Park, here I come:

Who am I?

And what am I doing here?

I am the woman I always wanted to be.

But the meaning of my life doesn't seem to be known to me.

I thought going to a monastery would be meaningful. Last night, I had a dream about it. I was in the monastery and was to be professed that evening. I had been asked to come back, pre-approved for profession. So I went because I wanted to be joined. But, I also wondered, "Why do you want to join this place when you have looked at their blog for the past 2 years and thought it was stupid? Why do you want to spend every day on Catholicism? You don't believe in it."

As I sit here and type, I think, "Whats wrong with running?" Look at the girl in the picture who is running a decent but not fast half marathon. She is happy. Several e-friends have said they are jealous of the muscle cut arms. In the original picture I have here at home, I look even better.

My quest of transcendence might be a quest to merely be human.

Americans are taught to keep trying to be more. This teaching produces agitation and dis-satisfaction with ordinary loving situations.

I'd love to go back to the Silverton 1000 and run for six days. But I'm pretty sure that the current condition of my knee would bump me off the steep hills on the first day. Whats wrong with totally pleasant half marathons interspersed with 20 hours of training a week?

At work, several great things happened. On Thursday, after a long day of goal setting with the Basic Chemicals team, I was apologizing to the leader for not staying for happy hour; because such things are usually semi-mandatory team building. He said that it was totally optional and no one should ever apologize for not staying or feel bad for not staying. That is the first time that the guilt has been totally removed. He was a messenger of love.

Yesterday, the Environmental Control manager drove me all around the site and pointed out all the water, utilities and infrastructure items he is responsible for. Really, the Chem-park where I work is huge. Nearly a city with 3,000 people and the massive usage of materials as well as disposal needs. I felt very good about riding around and seeing all the sites. He was a messenger of love.

Then, after a very long meeting, I got a golf cart ride from a guy named Mohammed who is very strictly practicing Halal. He is my co-worker and about 20 years younger and really cute. He was asking me how I liked Houston and talking about how he missed the Philadelphia ghetto. It came down to a friendship discussion and how few real friends (maybe only one) we had. He understood when I said that with most people I carry on superficial relationships, not saying anything important but getting along fine. See, he may be on the opposite end of a religious continuum than me, but we feel the same. I left him feeling like he was a real friend simply because we could discuss the subject of friendship. He was a messenger of love.

Whats wrong with being satisfied with a friend in a chemical plant above monastic profession or ultra-marathoning?

Is this love?

Or this?

We should accept all love as equal, no matter where it is found. Nobody is more holy than anyone else.

Really Good Run

I had a really good run today: 20.2 miles around the loop from Meador Park to Pine Gully Park. I did it at ultra low impact slow pace. And that is what made it incredibly good: very little aches and pains.

I got to dream of doing another multi-day race or 24 hour race later this year. I haven't quite decided which one yet, but it looks like I am coming out of my transition difficulties.

Here is a picture from last week's race. I ordered it from PR Photo, but this is a screen shot:

The lessons I kept my mind on were: "The stillness of the peace of God is mine." and "Today belongs to Love. Let me not fear."  I can be hurt only by my own thoughts. Keeping them on spirit, I did not feel pain.

A Good Gift

As luck would have it, I went to an offsite meeting today; which was over at 11:30. I then had a mission to complete. I have an ultra running friend who ran 44 miles on her 44th birthday. She is an impressive and inspiring lady who did 44 miles despite some health issues. She inspired me as I sat in my meeting this morning reading her blog. The good gift was an afternoon AWOL so I could complete my birthday running plan.

My plan was not quite as difficult as my friend. I decided to commemorate my 53 year by running 53 laps around the park near my house:

A lap is about 0.27 miles or 3.3 minutes. It took me 2h53 min to complete the 53 laps. I have a lap counter I wear on my index finger.

I thought much about multi-day races I have done. I wished I could get to one again; but my body is not really able to do an all day event right now.

I also thought about something I heard on the radio this morning, "...athletes have come to Houston this weekend hoping to become Olympic athletes..."

This weekend's Houston marathon is the US Olympic qualifying marathon. The Olympics have always touched some sore spot inside me. So I teared up as I drove along thinking about the joy of winning.

As I ran, I repeated over and over a couple of lessons from the ACIM workbook: "I am surrounded by the Love of God"; and "Creations gentleness is all I see." Tomorrow's lesson is, "My heart is beating in the peace of God." As I stop to allow the reality of my heart beating in the peace of God, all the world stops too. Total peace emerges and heaven is known.

Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is my birthday. I usually don't pay much attention to birthdays because I have no family. So no one really notices its my birthday, or cares really. Its no big deal.

This year, probably because my life is in such transition anyway, the annual milestone is causing great reflection. Yesterday, the occupational medicine department at work got ahold of me and drew samples along with various tests. I will next week meet the doctor and see how well modern medicine thinks I am.

The main point of reflection came out of the question: what does it mean to be human? Or what does it mean to be alive at all?

See, I've not ever been a person who really wanted to be here. And since leaving the monastery, I've had to come to my own conclusions about why I am alive. I could let a religion tell me; or somebody's book/blog. But it is really more important for me to decide on my own why I am alive.

I have studied several religions. I have read other peoples opinions. I am a product of middle class America. So the chances of me believing anything too radical seem at the outset quite slim.

I have the following points:

• I do find myself leaning more and more to the "reality is an illusion" theory of being. Even so, I believe the illusion and act as if I was here pretty much the same as everyone else.
• I don't need to stay alive because of family responsibilities as most people do.
• I can stand behind continuing to participate in the illusion if I have a purpose given me by something greater than me. I'm willing to uphold my end of a deal with a higher power.
• The higher power could be a soul, a self or God.
• I am happiest when I surrender my life moment by moment to God; believing that the peace of God is everywhere, always and that I actually live in it. I can experience this peace whenever I chose to stop experienceing everything else. That is, if I give peace priority as the top level of my consciousness, and not the illusion of the world, then I am experiencing peace. This works everytime.

I totally find comfort in God. I really can't live without this reliance.

Quiet....

...is peace in my soul. In a very conscious way, I enforce it in my mind.

The only way I keep from sinking into utter and total hatred for myself is to continuously practice disciplined thinking. If I don't control my thoughts, they circle around and around, further and further into fear and hate. I don't care if this is spiritual or not. I need to do it for sanity.

My running since moving to Texas has changed. I haven't quite identified why "things" are different. so I am patient. I love going out for 4 hour jog/walks. I go very slow and this keeps me from irritating what seems to be a heel spur. I still wish I could just run endlessly. But also, when I am cross training in my house, I like to put ear plugs in (so I can't hear the equipment) and shut my eyes and put my mind on repeating Course in Miracles Lessons. This turns into an endless dream of nothing just as much as running does. Maybe more since I am in solitude when I do it.

Today, I woke up at my lowest weight since September 2011. I haven't been doing much to lose weight; but during my move and transition last November and December, I did over eat a little and put on about 4 pounds.

But what is becoming clear to me is that my body hardly needs any calories to maintain weight. So if I expect to age as an athlete (not becoming obese like to many of my gender), then I'll need to keep up the exercise. I can't see 1500 calories/day as a successful endeavor. But 2000 cal/day with over an hour of exercise is completely doable. I've been doing that for over a year. It is a reality of modern life. I am essentially sedentary except for exercise. I have high cravings if I attempt to limit calories very much. the easiest thing for me to do is to keep up the workouts.

Tomorrow I am going in a half marathon trail run. It is in a state park which is supposed to have alligators. I hope to see some!

No Resolutions

I hope everything stays the same in 2012. I have no need but to keep on keep'en on.

I moved and got a new job in 2011. So I hope neither of those things happens for years.

I find myself totally in love and dedicated to "The Goal of God" in this lifetime; as a student of A Course in Miracles. In fact, to say I am totally head over heals in love with God and the Course material is an understatement.

I'm going to be 53 in a few days. When I was younger, I don't think I reflected on what that would be like. I can only frame my life in it's spiritual quest; of which endurance training is a part. I do not life in the main stream of society. Running and physical fitness is one of the ways I renounce the world.

I am the owner of a new duplex in Texas. I still walk downstairs and look around the living room and can't believe I own this place. It is very much a palace to me. It is also the most practical thing for me to live in given the current circumstances of my life. I do not know what anything is for. The purpose of God is all I really care about.

That I live in Texas was not in the plans for 2011. So I do have to wear the garment of the world loosely. I can't really say what the illusion I project will look like.

I have a spiritual creed. I occupy my mind with these thoughts, along with the ACIM work book lessons. When I am running or working out on my equipment, I keep repeating these spiritual thoughts instead of letting my mind wander down dark corridors of fear. The creed hasn't changed for months. I touches me deeply and I cling to it. Some of it can only be interpreted by Course students. Terms (like forgiveness, miracle, innocent, Christ vision, atonement, truth, love, holy instant, mind) have different meanings than those used by non-Course people.

Father in my soul's name remind me of,
Your love for me and of my love for You.
If I am afraid I am deceived.
I am spirit, Grace means most to me.
Fear is lack of love. Atonement heals.
Expanding love is my reality.


In the holy instant I forgive.
Miracles come forth as love expressed.
I am not alone my soul is here.
My soul is the undoing of the dream.
The Holy Spirit is the Voice for God.
I hear Him speak quietly in my mind.


Giving and receiving are the same.
True appreciation is my gift.
The innocent see perfection truly.
Christ vision is where they put all their faith.
My mind holds only light and it shines out.
I see God's majesty in all others.


God is not symbolic. Love is fact.
His peace is always firm. Love I believe.
Into Your hands I commend my spirit.
And so my mind awakens from the dream.
Eternal Silence lives It's life in me.
Still and silent Love has set me free.


Truth is my commitment. Joy I am.
Love is my intention. Silence seen.
Love based thinking is my one desire.
Inner peace is what I really want.