Before I went to the monastery, I lived in the main stream of society. I wanted to join with my social group and be one of them. I sat around discussing others and expressing my opinion about this and that, eating whatever and watching TV, cheering for football teams.
Then I discovered contemplative prayer. I began to notice more consciously what exactly I was thinking and make decisions about it. I began to see social functions, entertainments and behaviors as distractions from the spiritual.
I went to the monastery. The cloister took me out of modern society and the main stream of life. The monastic formation provided additional education in contemplation, and time to sit and ponder my thoughts and emotions. The unconscious could no longer hide from me. Contemplative practice is a delving into the dark depths and they become conscious as light is shined on them. The more I did this, the less I was controlled by the unconscious.
I got out of the monastery with this one idea: Love is the predominant mode of existence. I continued my contemplative practice. I tried to re-join secular society. For awhile, it seemed that I was successful in re-joining and gaining an honored place among the people. Until I began to a) question the Church and the Bible, b) start additional health and alternative spiritual studies and c) moved to the country.
I became an outsider, once again outside the main stream of society yet not in a religious cloister, a non-religious solitary. I was free to look at society and ponder it apart from religion. I found my emotions to range from anger, fear, hatred, arrogance, annoyance, incomprehension and pity. I saw magnificent spirits behaving in disgusting and very small ways. I didn’t want to be so judgmental and opinionated, but that was how I was. I knew I was no better.
Then, I moved again. I now lived once again in the middle of my former society, even working at the same location as I did before the cloister. I can’t re-join society because I don’t agree with its norms.
Just this morning, I had this imagery of how I perceive at this point in time. It comes on the heels of my experience volunteering at an ultra-marathon. As an aid station volunteer, I enabled some humans to go through the transcendence experience to get beyond the merely normal runner and be ultra runners.
Namaste. I prostrate myself at your feet holy Son of God (all of us). I view society as a muddy swamp. Most of the people dance around the swamp, slinging mud at each other, laughing at each other, fighting, eating rotten fish, and slowly rotting in fetid waters. Yes, I have said what I think out loud. I am somehow on the side of the swamp as I quit participating in society. It is terrible of me to sit and look back. I don’t know exactly where else to go. I contemplate the swamp. I talk to God about my opinions. I wish I could have loving compassion without judgmental pity.
The only way I’ve found is to realize the swamp is an illusion. The swamp is not the holy Son of God, the truth of what God created, but my ego’s projected insanity. From this realization, once I accept it in my heart, it is possible for me to shift my perception and seeing from the dark swamp to the spiritual light beyond the swamp. I look beyond my ego’s mad illusion to the gently glowing spirit of the Son of God, innocent and loving as holy light. Believing the swamp I see with my body’s eyes is an illusion, I can consciously choose something different. I can switch to looking with my inner eyes and my spiritual mind. I divorce the ego and join my spirit. Thus, my reality is transformed. I see with the spirit that the Son of God is light and love; and live accordingly.
Love is the predominant mode of existence.
Peace.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
An Ultra from the Other Side
Today I got up at 3:45 and did an hour of spiritual study. Then I went to the park and ran 10.8 miles. Then, I went to a 50k race and womaned an aid station.
This was my first experience volunteering at a race. I have run this race 3 times and I assure you it is brutal. The trails are highly technical, including extra mud this year and a need for ropes to get up one hillside. It was very hot, humid and hardly any wind.
Our aid station was at mile 5/20, but it takes the fastest runners nearly an hour and a half to get there. We had some casualties: some heat related, and one sprained ankle. We had a obstinate sixty something cancer survivor who was adamant about going on despite how it took her 3.5 hours to get to us. We let her go to the next station but called ahead so they could watch for her.
It was so hot, I was terribly happy to be volunteering instead of running. I actually could not imagine how I have survived this race. I got to see lots of people in rough shape. They were so grateful to have me pour cold water on their backs. In an ultra, people don't just run by and grab a cup of water and throw it on the ground. They usually need extended care and attention. We fill their hydro-paks, point out where various types of food is. Take a good look at their health. And away they'd go, leaving me in awe, and wondering how on earth they were going to make it (knowing they would).
I think that once you get running, the world shifts and what is impossible for by-standers is possible for you. Furthermore, you wake up the next morning wanting to do it again. This shift in reality is the beauty and agony of ultra-running. The ultra-race environment is very different from the marathon environment. It is small and quiet. Most people enter into intensely personal struggles. Everyone finds out who they are from the inside. Experiencing that other world where you can run and sweat forever leaves you with a call to return which is irresistible.
And we love it so we do it again!!
This was my first experience volunteering at a race. I have run this race 3 times and I assure you it is brutal. The trails are highly technical, including extra mud this year and a need for ropes to get up one hillside. It was very hot, humid and hardly any wind.
Our aid station was at mile 5/20, but it takes the fastest runners nearly an hour and a half to get there. We had some casualties: some heat related, and one sprained ankle. We had a obstinate sixty something cancer survivor who was adamant about going on despite how it took her 3.5 hours to get to us. We let her go to the next station but called ahead so they could watch for her.
It was so hot, I was terribly happy to be volunteering instead of running. I actually could not imagine how I have survived this race. I got to see lots of people in rough shape. They were so grateful to have me pour cold water on their backs. In an ultra, people don't just run by and grab a cup of water and throw it on the ground. They usually need extended care and attention. We fill their hydro-paks, point out where various types of food is. Take a good look at their health. And away they'd go, leaving me in awe, and wondering how on earth they were going to make it (knowing they would).
I think that once you get running, the world shifts and what is impossible for by-standers is possible for you. Furthermore, you wake up the next morning wanting to do it again. This shift in reality is the beauty and agony of ultra-running. The ultra-race environment is very different from the marathon environment. It is small and quiet. Most people enter into intensely personal struggles. Everyone finds out who they are from the inside. Experiencing that other world where you can run and sweat forever leaves you with a call to return which is irresistible.
And we love it so we do it again!!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 5 Peace
I love this park!This morning, I woke up at 3:50 and shut off the alarm which was set to go off at 4. And I slept until just before 8. Then I got up and did my spiritual study. At 9, I did a free weight and core workout (65 min) and went to the park. I ran 10.8 miles before the rain scared me off. After I got home, it was time for lunch. The multi-day is over.
I'm glad I did this multi-day. I am amazed that I arrived at today without injury. It was more than I've done before. I think I went to the edge of my energy capability. I realize what I am and what I am not. I enjoyed the time working out no matter that nothing was official about it. I know and that is enough.
I was totally at peace with going back to sleep. It is good that I follow such a message when it comes. As I lifted weights, I thought consciously how peaceful that was and how at peace I am. During running, I thought of my life as the reflection on top of a calm pool. Yes, I can see activities in the reflection, but I know I don't need to respond. I keep the water calm and look deeper into the depths.
I think running is part of my conversation with God because I am nearly always focused on conscious contact with God the whole time I am running. For example, my spiritual lesson for today contained this little stream of thoughts: “I walk with God in perfect holiness. I light the world, I light my mind, I light all minds, which God created, one with me.” I could jog quite easily to the gently flow of these thoughts. I kept my thinking inside the stream of these thoughts. Gandhi said, "...be the change..." Well, keeping my mind in the light is the way I am the change. Running is a great time to train my mind to stay where I want it and not wandering down dark and frightening corridors. I look beyond the fearful reflections of the world which are on the surface of the pond and attempt to distract me from the depths underneath. yadda yadda.....thanks for coming with me.
I'm glad I did this multi-day. I am amazed that I arrived at today without injury. It was more than I've done before. I think I went to the edge of my energy capability. I realize what I am and what I am not. I enjoyed the time working out no matter that nothing was official about it. I know and that is enough.
I was totally at peace with going back to sleep. It is good that I follow such a message when it comes. As I lifted weights, I thought consciously how peaceful that was and how at peace I am. During running, I thought of my life as the reflection on top of a calm pool. Yes, I can see activities in the reflection, but I know I don't need to respond. I keep the water calm and look deeper into the depths.
I think running is part of my conversation with God because I am nearly always focused on conscious contact with God the whole time I am running. For example, my spiritual lesson for today contained this little stream of thoughts: “I walk with God in perfect holiness. I light the world, I light my mind, I light all minds, which God created, one with me.” I could jog quite easily to the gently flow of these thoughts. I kept my thinking inside the stream of these thoughts. Gandhi said, "...be the change..." Well, keeping my mind in the light is the way I am the change. Running is a great time to train my mind to stay where I want it and not wandering down dark and frightening corridors. I look beyond the fearful reflections of the world which are on the surface of the pond and attempt to distract me from the depths underneath. yadda yadda.....thanks for coming with me.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 4 Emptiness
Today I got out of bed ok. I thought I better start out running early because of t-storm prediction and what was on the radar. I got to the park about 5:20 and it was still mostly dark. My first lap felt extremely slow. After 2 laps, I had to go to the shorter lap because of the fireworks barricade. Then, I quickly lost count and just ran for time.
Was it stupid to run for 5h56min? I don’t know. I don’t know what I accomplished. There was nothing romantic, euphoric or seemingly wonderful. Except whenever I got myself into the moment, I felt infinity. It was hot. I peed a lot. I worried about drinks. I worried about weather. I watched the clock in order to make sure I walked the 2 minutes. My legs hurt after a long time. I think my slow speed makes me look bad.
Well, not that bad: some teenage boys that I passed after 5.5 hours asked me if I was training for Ironman.
Sitting here now, I wish I had an answer. I am staring myself in the face. I ran 5h56min today and I have no answer as to why. I’m feeling depressed, empty. Fear lurks: What if I wake up in the morning and my legs feel ok and I do it again? Emptied, not hungry at all, I sit here.
There is a war going on outside. Some people call it our country’s birthday. How fitting that the people of this land think that large numbers of explosions celebrate a nation under God. Oh yeah…and getting drunk.
I read the blog of a man named Anton. He ran the Western States 100 mile race in 15+ hours and came in second. The 3,100 mile race goes on and on with 11 runners running 55 to 72 miles each day. I am a 51 year old lady contemplative who thinks running is a conversation with God.
What I did today is never done by the masses of people. Those who do run that long usually do it for t-shirts and medals and “official” times. A small few do it in the name of “training” for some future race. A tiny one or two or three do it just to do it.
The spirituality of running is not in the suffering or the record book. It is in the endless time for contemplation, just being, just running. I only know the point after I ask God; and then sit in silence. I asked today and the reply was, “Enjoy being empty.”
Hands off. Let it go. I have no purpose or point. I have a pair of shoes, a bottle of water, a bag of Gu and a little park with a dirt path where I can go around and around. The endlessness of it is tremendous, sacred, holy to the bone.
Was it stupid to run for 5h56min? I don’t know. I don’t know what I accomplished. There was nothing romantic, euphoric or seemingly wonderful. Except whenever I got myself into the moment, I felt infinity. It was hot. I peed a lot. I worried about drinks. I worried about weather. I watched the clock in order to make sure I walked the 2 minutes. My legs hurt after a long time. I think my slow speed makes me look bad.
Well, not that bad: some teenage boys that I passed after 5.5 hours asked me if I was training for Ironman.
Sitting here now, I wish I had an answer. I am staring myself in the face. I ran 5h56min today and I have no answer as to why. I’m feeling depressed, empty. Fear lurks: What if I wake up in the morning and my legs feel ok and I do it again? Emptied, not hungry at all, I sit here.
There is a war going on outside. Some people call it our country’s birthday. How fitting that the people of this land think that large numbers of explosions celebrate a nation under God. Oh yeah…and getting drunk.
I read the blog of a man named Anton. He ran the Western States 100 mile race in 15+ hours and came in second. The 3,100 mile race goes on and on with 11 runners running 55 to 72 miles each day. I am a 51 year old lady contemplative who thinks running is a conversation with God.
What I did today is never done by the masses of people. Those who do run that long usually do it for t-shirts and medals and “official” times. A small few do it in the name of “training” for some future race. A tiny one or two or three do it just to do it.
The spirituality of running is not in the suffering or the record book. It is in the endless time for contemplation, just being, just running. I only know the point after I ask God; and then sit in silence. I asked today and the reply was, “Enjoy being empty.”
Hands off. Let it go. I have no purpose or point. I have a pair of shoes, a bottle of water, a bag of Gu and a little park with a dirt path where I can go around and around. The endlessness of it is tremendous, sacred, holy to the bone.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 3 Commitment
Day 3 of Personal Multi-day: solo race against myself.
Today I met what I came here for. It was a challenge to get out of bed this morning. Not because of tiredness or soreness, but because of a recalcitrant ego. My ego is worried about the why of this personal multi-day and thinks it can win out by with excuses, and saying it doesn’t matter. No one will know. I will know. I am accomplishing something in the mental and spiritual realm, precisely because it appears so valueless in the material world.
I faced a little battle of no vs. yes. I weighed the excuses vs. the plan of action. I listened to the insidious question of “Why?” The question is allowed to defeat the soul or answered by the will in support of the soul. My life blood, my vitality, is dependent on the outcome of this mental and spiritual struggle.
It must be spirit who ascends above the ego in the darkness as I choose to get out of bed. To get up and work out for a third pseudo-50k-of-sorts, for no recognition, is antithetical to the ego. How is it that some transcend these ego cesspools and some sit in them? How did I want the spiritual sunlight enough to get out of bed and work at the foolish task of endurance?
1. Somewhere I developed the desire for spirit above all else in life.
2. I surrendered to the call and began to follow it wherever it went.
3. I have tremendous gratitude to spirit for the feeling of Presence I find whenever I stop to consider it.
Way way back, as a pre-teen, I knew I wanted “something more.” I could see light from somewhere beyond my ridiculously shallow and tormented existence. I felt the pull at age 14 as I looked at pictures of B.K.S. Iyengar and tried to stand like a mountain, or swam laps by myself, or rode my bicycle in the Berkeley hills. I could hear a call even though I had no idea what it was or where to find it.
Back to the present. First thing in my kitchen this morning, I considered downing some vitamins and protein; but realized, “I am not going to die.” That is, my endurance task for the day was no longer so daunting that I had to carefully plan calories and electrolytes. I could mainly just go do it. As I completed the first 30 minutes on the ex-machines, I felt the inner doors of power flow open. I gave them permission to open. I allowed higher power to flow into my consciousness. The acceptance of this higher power is not magic powers but an attitude of connectedness to a power which provides all for all.
After 2 hours on the machines, I loaded up my hydropak and drove to the park. I had to park a ways away, due to a parade in Parkville, hence was carrying 50 oz of drink. It was starting off a humid 77F. I began my 8x2s at a slow pace. After 6 laps, 16.2 miles, I decided to just keep jogging instead of going back to do another hour on machines. I was in the running longevity zone: aches and pains were stabilized, I put more water in the hydropak and had 2 Gu stashed on me. I felt I could run forever. I felt oneness with ultra-runners all over the globe. This decision to keep running could have been a function of a heat deranged mind, but I just felt like I could gently keep going. I approved myself for another 80 minutes. When I finished, after 4h24min, it was 88F. I had done 21 extremely slow miles.
The sock combo worked great again and I had no heat rash on my legs: excellent. Oh…I love the new Nike swim bikinis under my shorts.
I have never worked out for 6+ days in a row before. I have never had my current level of fitness before.
More about commitment: my pondering during my run. What I am doing with this personal multi-day is keeping a commitment to myself. I thought about my monastic education. As a novice prepares for vows, one of the things they talk about is the commitment to monastic profession. It is a public vow and it is thought that the publicness of it helps the person keep it. At this point in my life I am aghast at the teaching. If I want something in my soul, I’ll battle avarice and sloth (ego characteristics) to the death in order to obtain my soul’s desire. It seems so cheap and fake to think other people’s eyes would have anything to do with how I honor my soul’s requests. The blood and guts of my life is to defeat ego and support soul. And that is what my personal multi-day means to me.
Today I met what I came here for. It was a challenge to get out of bed this morning. Not because of tiredness or soreness, but because of a recalcitrant ego. My ego is worried about the why of this personal multi-day and thinks it can win out by with excuses, and saying it doesn’t matter. No one will know. I will know. I am accomplishing something in the mental and spiritual realm, precisely because it appears so valueless in the material world.
I faced a little battle of no vs. yes. I weighed the excuses vs. the plan of action. I listened to the insidious question of “Why?” The question is allowed to defeat the soul or answered by the will in support of the soul. My life blood, my vitality, is dependent on the outcome of this mental and spiritual struggle.
It must be spirit who ascends above the ego in the darkness as I choose to get out of bed. To get up and work out for a third pseudo-50k-of-sorts, for no recognition, is antithetical to the ego. How is it that some transcend these ego cesspools and some sit in them? How did I want the spiritual sunlight enough to get out of bed and work at the foolish task of endurance?
1. Somewhere I developed the desire for spirit above all else in life.
2. I surrendered to the call and began to follow it wherever it went.
3. I have tremendous gratitude to spirit for the feeling of Presence I find whenever I stop to consider it.
Way way back, as a pre-teen, I knew I wanted “something more.” I could see light from somewhere beyond my ridiculously shallow and tormented existence. I felt the pull at age 14 as I looked at pictures of B.K.S. Iyengar and tried to stand like a mountain, or swam laps by myself, or rode my bicycle in the Berkeley hills. I could hear a call even though I had no idea what it was or where to find it.
Back to the present. First thing in my kitchen this morning, I considered downing some vitamins and protein; but realized, “I am not going to die.” That is, my endurance task for the day was no longer so daunting that I had to carefully plan calories and electrolytes. I could mainly just go do it. As I completed the first 30 minutes on the ex-machines, I felt the inner doors of power flow open. I gave them permission to open. I allowed higher power to flow into my consciousness. The acceptance of this higher power is not magic powers but an attitude of connectedness to a power which provides all for all.
After 2 hours on the machines, I loaded up my hydropak and drove to the park. I had to park a ways away, due to a parade in Parkville, hence was carrying 50 oz of drink. It was starting off a humid 77F. I began my 8x2s at a slow pace. After 6 laps, 16.2 miles, I decided to just keep jogging instead of going back to do another hour on machines. I was in the running longevity zone: aches and pains were stabilized, I put more water in the hydropak and had 2 Gu stashed on me. I felt I could run forever. I felt oneness with ultra-runners all over the globe. This decision to keep running could have been a function of a heat deranged mind, but I just felt like I could gently keep going. I approved myself for another 80 minutes. When I finished, after 4h24min, it was 88F. I had done 21 extremely slow miles.
The sock combo worked great again and I had no heat rash on my legs: excellent. Oh…I love the new Nike swim bikinis under my shorts.
I have never worked out for 6+ days in a row before. I have never had my current level of fitness before.
More about commitment: my pondering during my run. What I am doing with this personal multi-day is keeping a commitment to myself. I thought about my monastic education. As a novice prepares for vows, one of the things they talk about is the commitment to monastic profession. It is a public vow and it is thought that the publicness of it helps the person keep it. At this point in my life I am aghast at the teaching. If I want something in my soul, I’ll battle avarice and sloth (ego characteristics) to the death in order to obtain my soul’s desire. It seems so cheap and fake to think other people’s eyes would have anything to do with how I honor my soul’s requests. The blood and guts of my life is to defeat ego and support soul. And that is what my personal multi-day means to me.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 2
First off this morning, I wrote:
How many days, decades, lifetimes have been spent waiting for You?
We who sit, know He sits with us.
I am alone, yet part of many.
We quietly devote ourselves to The Awareness.
The great texts point us to It.
The Master said, "He is within."
I prostrate before The Master in gratitude.
I kneel before The Awareness in love.
Poignant.
Passionate.
Compunction.
Postulation.
There is no greater thing than to lay down your life for your Friend, The Awareness, Love Itself.
Do you think I do this to get something?
Can you not see there is no reward?
Except for The Knowledge, the richness palpating a hidden place within.
___________________________________________
And so, I completed another pseudo-50k-of-sorts today. 2 hours on ex-machines. Run 16.2 miles in 3h09, faster than yesterday by a smidge. Then 1h5min on machines; went 5 min longer on the nordic track since I ran faster.
I have broken new ground: never worked out for 6+ hours two days in a row. I'm aware of those achieving greater feats of endurance. I'm pleased to see my own personal progress: back in December, I thought just the 16.2 miles for 3 days in a row was alot.
So, eat, sleep, get out of med in the morning and try again. I swear, this is happening courtesy of a power greater than myself.
How many days, decades, lifetimes have been spent waiting for You?
We who sit, know He sits with us.
I am alone, yet part of many.
We quietly devote ourselves to The Awareness.
The great texts point us to It.
The Master said, "He is within."
I prostrate before The Master in gratitude.
I kneel before The Awareness in love.
Poignant.
Passionate.
Compunction.
Postulation.
There is no greater thing than to lay down your life for your Friend, The Awareness, Love Itself.
Do you think I do this to get something?
Can you not see there is no reward?
Except for The Knowledge, the richness palpating a hidden place within.
___________________________________________
And so, I completed another pseudo-50k-of-sorts today. 2 hours on ex-machines. Run 16.2 miles in 3h09, faster than yesterday by a smidge. Then 1h5min on machines; went 5 min longer on the nordic track since I ran faster.
I have broken new ground: never worked out for 6+ hours two days in a row. I'm aware of those achieving greater feats of endurance. I'm pleased to see my own personal progress: back in December, I thought just the 16.2 miles for 3 days in a row was alot.
So, eat, sleep, get out of med in the morning and try again. I swear, this is happening courtesy of a power greater than myself.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Personal Multi-day - 1
Ok so, I have five days off work. I decided to stage my own personal multi-day endurance event. I wondered what I would do. I wondered what for.
.
It is not for anything. I've decided that right up front. My event is not for finding the holy grail or achieving enlightenment. It is just an environment of sorts, just a place to be...period.
.
Today, I worked out on my machines for 2 hours. Then I went to Parkville and ran 6 laps, or 16.2 miles, in 3h12, or 11.8 min/mile. Then I came home and jellified myself by doing another hour on the machines. That nordic track seems harmless enough but it is a jelly maker for sure.
.
After eating and napping, I realized that I had worked out for longer than it takes me to run a 50k (31 miles). It was a pseudo-50k-of-sorts. So that is my plan: 5 x 50k in 5 days. That is an endurance event beyond the box of what I have done so far.
.
It is not for anything. I've decided that right up front. My event is not for finding the holy grail or achieving enlightenment. It is just an environment of sorts, just a place to be...period.
.
Today, I worked out on my machines for 2 hours. Then I went to Parkville and ran 6 laps, or 16.2 miles, in 3h12, or 11.8 min/mile. Then I came home and jellified myself by doing another hour on the machines. That nordic track seems harmless enough but it is a jelly maker for sure.
.
After eating and napping, I realized that I had worked out for longer than it takes me to run a 50k (31 miles). It was a pseudo-50k-of-sorts. So that is my plan: 5 x 50k in 5 days. That is an endurance event beyond the box of what I have done so far.
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