Doing Time

Write a blog in 5 minutes? OK...but, I won't have time to muse, edit, rearrange etc. Just raw thoughts, insane and incoherent.

This morning, I went for an early morning run. I have in mind that I will run a marathon in 8 weeks; but regardless of what I am accused of "training for" I would have been running anyway. I can runa marathin in 4+ hours. Every now and then, I dream of qualifying for Boston or winning an award. "Qualifying for Boston" is a purely egotistical desire. It doesn't mean anything. Fast 50 something women runners finish marathons in 3:30 or less. I couldn't do that even when I was 20.

So, ultimately, "training" is just doing time. If I do the time, I can do the race. If I do the race, big deal. I come home with my finisher medal and age group plaque and a deep sense of emptiness. I have accepted trinkets and baubles to represent an inordinate amount of "doing time running." Before the race I had high value of my self. After the race I have littleness.

5 minutes is up. I must go. I am on my way to Illinois in a corporate plane. Oh joy!

My Current Understanding

EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION - I declare my freedom from ego slavery and prison.

This world is a bad dream lived by my ego consciousness. I am not an ego. I am dreaming. I am the dreamer. I believe the dream because I am asleep. If I would wake up, this bad dream would vanish and I would see I am but a thought/idea of love in the Mind of God. I cannot wake up by myself so Jesus and the Holy Spirit have entered my dream and are helping me to wake up. It doesn’t really matter how the dreaming began. What matters is that I now, right now, this instant, choose to wake up. I wake up by following the teaching of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has been helping me to see why I don’t make this choice. If I give the why to the Holy Spirit, it can be healed so that I come closer to waking up. When I have finally given my entire bad dream to the Holy Spirit, I will be ready to wake up and God will awaken me gently. The awakening won’t scare me because I was ready.

This weekend, I have given considerable thought to my fear of financial insecurity. I have been using the “financial crises” as my touchstone. Like most people, I think I need money. But I am dreaming; in the real world, money is meaningless. I keep talking to Jesus and the Holy Spirit about my fear, my terror. It may be a dream but I believe it and cower at the thought of not having money to protect myself. Here, we arrive at exactly the point: I think money will save me. I do not believe God will save me. Here, going deeper, I look at the entire world as one huge frightening disappointment. Every time I thought I grasped salvation in the form of a material savior, it was ripped from my grasp by fate, by God. How over and over I have been terrified and believed that God would not save me. I believed it was God who ruined my dream. I somehow began dreaming because I hated God and pushed Him away. In the dream, I am afraid of God because I think it is God that is punishing me, not that I am punishing myself. My why: I am afraid of God because I believe I did something to hurt Him; and in my guilt and remorse, I made a dream of self punishment. Suddenly, I am able to admit that I have created this dream as a self punishment. My why, self punishment, can be given to the Holy Spirit for healing.

To get out of this dream, to have my fear vanish, I simply tell this to Jesus and the Holy Spirit and listen to their story of how I am holy because God created me holy, of how I am not the dream but love because God is love and nothing else is real, of how I am dreaming and in reality, I exist in the Mind of God and have never left it. It is impossible that I could hate God, fear God or leave God. God is love, not punishment. Instead of hating the other people in my dream, I see them as light with me in the Mind of God; they too are dreaming, but I don't have to believe any dream. I can keep choosing to listen to the story told by Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Their story is beautiful. In their story, we have peace and light and joy. Money is meaningless because I am only a thought of love. What could a thought of love possibly need money for? Bodily pain, age and disease is meaningless, because I am not a body. Over eating and getting fat is meaningless. Even running and weight lifting are meaningless.

Only love means anything. Love is not a vain attempt to get another person to treat me a certain way. It is peace and joy and comfort provided solely in God. I have a vision I use. I see my self as an idea in a world of light. I look and see a tiny black spec. The black spec is my bad dream. I am not the dream. I tell Jesus and the Holy Spirit of my bad dream and give it to them. The black spec vanishes and I am simply safe in the light.

OK. I don't want to live my life in fear. I deeply believe that the true answer to fear is in the spiritual world. It is not in: a government bailout, not in railing my financial advisor to find an investment that will grow, not in frugality, not in increased savings, not in worrying about my job. No investment in this dream world will work. Only investment in the spiritual world will work. Truth can only be found in God. My help is in allowing Jesus and the Holy Spirit to teach me how to live in the spiritual world and not in the bad dream.

The Kingdom of God is in you. My peace I give you. Sell all and follow me. To save your life, you must lose it.

I am under no laws but God's. God is Love.

A New Beginning...

The only good that I have to contribute to the world is my thoughts, my mind. Whatever is in my mind is what I am doing to create reality; that’s my contribution and I am willing to pacify it. However it is that I have thought about things and seen them for the past 50 years has to change.

It is clear I have lived my life with a mentality of hate and fear. Having discovered this, I also realize that I don’t want to finish my life with that same mentality. My decision of what to do about this was not arrived at without some considerable consideration taking many years. I read the Bible and participated in Christianity for 2 decades at least. When I was a nun, I went to seminary. After I left the convent, I was deeply immersed in parish life. I have thoroughly studied Catholic theology and community. I have read Buddhist and Hindu texts. As a person in 12 Step Recovery for over 23 years, I have the literature practically memorized. I’ve been in psychotherapy several times. But it is A Course in Miracles (ACIM) that has most improved my mentality. ACIM is what has disclosed to me my truth and offered my a better way.

ACIM has brought me closest into relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. It has most helped me to change my thinking and perception. I do not recommend it to anyone because it takes more work than most are willing to expend to learn entirely new concepts of what a human is, what relationships and love are, what Jesus is, what this world is, what time is, etc.

My ACIM workbook lesson for today urges celebration and gratitude that today is the day of a new beginning for me and everyone. Driving home from my early morning grocery foray, I looked around. The sky was clear, the sun just coming up, the fields are a bare winter brown. I had the distinct realization that I was looking at it for the last time, that not only this beautiful landscape, but also the things I had been afraid of in the night, would not be perceived the same way ever again. I was in a place of both grief and celebration. I am leaving prison, yet I grieve the many years spent in a dark cell. I walk into the light with jubilation, anticipating a new life, yet unknown.

I put my life on pause this weekend. I wanted to think the new thoughts and listen deeply. The form of what seemed to be my life (work, running, money, people) will go on; but the content of it (thoughts, perceptions, spirituality) will be 100% different. I know it. I am on my second trip through the ACIM workbook. I don’t remember each lesson but I know I am changed since the first time. I see words that weren’t there the first time. I experience faith, hope and belief in God at much higher levels.

Several new things have occurred even this morning. I am going running; but instead of Gu, I am going to try out Succeed sports drink. It means I won't have to remove gloves to open Gu packages. I just got the Succeed in the mail. I've had it at ultra races. The sun has perhaps raised the temperature from 4 to 10. I just called Road Runner Sports and they happily adjusted their bill to what I thought it should be. I just talked to a nice lady photographer who lives on my running route. The government rejected my passport application because the photos weren't exactly according to specification. But, as she lives in such a great place, I think I will discuss having her take my 50th anniversary strength pose photo. I want to show off my stringy 50 year old body.

Real Light

I sit in meditation and observe the inner light. I call it the sun of my loving Self. I practice this day after day; morning, noon, night and in between. I do not know what could be true or real about this light. I repeat the journey to the light on faith. At a minimum, when I am looking at the light, I am not listening to ego. That is my claim to peace.

From A Course in Miracles:

• The special relationship is the renuncuation of the Love of God, and the attempt to secure for the self (ego) the specialness that He denied.
• There is no veil the Love of God in us together cannot lift. The way to truth is open. Follow it with me (Jesus)...straight to the Heart of God.

That phrase "straight to the heart of God" is gripping to me. The Heart of God is truly where I want to be. The Heart of God is the focus of all my desire and all my spiritual practice. Why are some surprised that I give up TV or shopping for this?

The Runner

The Runner

While I am running, the world goes on around me.
The cops chasing the stoned teens.
The woman yelling at the kid about homework.
The man driving and talking on the phone.
The girls taking pictures.
Power tools whining in a garage.
A dog barking.

While I am running, my world stops.
I am one with a fine orange cat;
seated like a queen on a white car.
One with a woman frozen on a bench;
hunched over a book.
The sun frozen in the sky.
The sky a benign infinite blue;
No birds, no clouds mar the smooth blue surface.

While I am running, I don’t know anything.
I ignore my ego’s trafficking in grievances and guilt;
Its offerings of idle wishes;
Its bartering in dreams of sickness and disaster.
Running, I release tormenting fantasies of hell on earth.

While I am running, there is nothing else.
I am a void to the world, a nullity.
I am the worthless, the not living up.
I am the withdrawn, not special.
A runner, a piece of landscape, a mind unoccupied.
Silent, anonymous, free.

Inauguration Day

Today, decide to deny your ego and allow the Holy Spirit to rule in your mind. Then, having made the decision, celebrate by inaugurating Him. Swear Him in and have a ball!

There are certain events going on in the ego world today which seem of great importance. Use the delusion to enable LOVE to ascend to the place of supreme ruler in your heart. Imagine all the host of heaven crowding your inner temple of God and the hush as they watch you elevate your Higher Power, as you turn your will and your life over to Him. The most important thing in any life is to return to God. Making the desire for God real is my number one goal. I want to want to know my Self (Christ) above all else.

From ACIM:

• ...the Holy Spirit is part of you...He is both God and you, as you are God and Him together.
• They are quite real as part of the Self you do not know.
• ...you who hold Him and whom He holds are the universe...
• ...this Self must be there...this Self you clearly do not know...even though IT functions...what functions must be there...it is only ikf you deny what IT has done that you could possibly deny ITs Presence.

Stop putting up barriers of unbelief against this Self. IT is there. Decide for IT. Deny your ego instead.

Jesus, I want desire to know my Self to be highest priority, highest desire, highest area of action in whatever I do. Please help me. Please help me hear.

Holiday - Holy Day

I am enjoying a day off. I have a day off because of an extra gift from my boss; that today is MLK holiday is coincedental.

Since I did my long run (22 miles) yesterday, and I had no fellowship meeting on the schedule, I slept in and spent extra time studying A Course in Miracles, meditation and reflection.

Here are a few ACIM gems:

• ...if you will merely sit quietly by and let the Holy Spirit relate through you, you will empathesize with strength...you choose neither to hurt it (any relationship) or heal it in your own way...step gently aside and let the healing be done for you...
• The power of love, which is its meaning, lies in the strength of God that hovers over it and blesses it silently by enveloping it in healing wings.
• Humility is strength in this sense only; that to recognize and accept the fact that you do not know is to recognize and accept the fact that He does know.
• ...the nature of miracles you do not understand...yet they have been done through you...so there must be Something in you that does understand...
• ...your relationship with Him (the One Who speaks for God, Host of God, Christ, Self) is real...to acknowledge Him is to deny all that you think you know...
• The Host of God has called to you, and you have heard. Never again will you be wholly willing not to listen. This is a year, in which your listening will increase and peace will grow with its increase.
• This year invest in truth...Have faith in Him...

OK...sorry, I could go on and on because ACIM is full of candy and sweet things for contemplation. Someone asked me to pray for them today. What they get is my willingness to "sit quietly by" and let the Holy Spirit help them. A request for prayer is a request for me to allow Love to heal; and the Holy Spirit picked the person who needed a miracle.

In my morning meditation, I took my consciousness to the inner Light. I sat and looked. I was in a place where I was willing to believe that each time I go and ponder the Light, I love it and want it a little more. I was willing to let go of the need for some emotional event to prove that the Light is real. I considered it more like a long slow conversation of non-words. All I needed to do was go there and sit quietly. The relationsip would grow and I need not understand how or have expectations. The Light is the "Something" in me that does know. All I do is give some attention.

All I want is to want the Something. Since Something is benign and peaceful; it is hard to detect and hard to want. This is why I seek solitude; for listening. I do not know but I am devoted.