Spirit Unleashed: 2021

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Monday, May 17, 2021

Changes

Hello Reader,

Blogger is going to stop supporting the subscribe by email feature. So I have decided to switch my blog to WordPress. I've been working on the new pages. It has a home page and a blog page. The home page has a subscribe form. I'm sure I'll make this fancier as time goes on, but for now, the new blog is launched.

https://ultramonksessays.wordpress.com/

The future awaits. Keep coming back.

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee 2021

It is that time of year. The second edition of the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee. I entered this virtual race again because we got cool belt buckles last year. This year's version is 642 miles. It began on May 1. I have already completed 102 miles.

You can see my current location on the map just above Jackson. 102 miles is 16%.

I find that since the race started, my brain has been focused on doing miles. Not that there is any hurry. A very curious thing about my brain. It thinks it is in the race, therefore, I am compelled to do more miles than normal.

Starting Monday was a 255-mile ultra-marathon. It took place between Phoenix and Flagstaff, Arizona, on trails. For the first time ever, it was live-streamed by many volunteers on the course. I watched as much as I could. I happened to watch the winner finish in real-time, just over 72 hours. It was amazing to watch him run in to the finish, not at all looking like he just spent 3 days in the mountains doing 255 miles. The first female came in about 12 hours later. She did look like her feet hurt. I could feel her pain. However, all the finishers demonstrated an amazing thing about the human mind. The mind can somehow keep a body going and going and going. There was a live chat on Youtube. I could see that many people felt amazed as I did. Every time I logged in to watch, there were nearly 1,000 others watching. Many ultra-runners left the live stream on their computers all day while they "worked from home." And then, I went out to do my own miles.

Speaking of the brain, I just finished another neuroscience book: "7 1/2 Lessons About the Brain" by Lisa Feldman-Barrett. Interestingly, this author thinks that the brain makes the mind, not that the mind uses the brain as a tool. Not a word about "consciousness," unless you count the word "mind" as consciousness. The implications are major if consciousness is a thing made by an organic process with no intentional guidance.

I've read a number of neuroscience books. I can say that most of them do not propose that there is a consciousness, or soul, which is present at birth or that enters the body at some point. Experiments have not been able to detect consciousness.

Neuroscience leaves us spiritualists hanging. There is no data, only individual reports. 7 1/2 Lessons also does not discuss the differing jobs of the left and right hemispheres. Perhaps in writing a logical book, the author did not give the right hemisphere a say; after all, the right hemisphere is non-verbal. If there is a higher consciousness, it would communicate quietly through the right hemisphere. The communication would be an intuitive thought received into the left hemisphere through the corpus callosum, which connects the two hemispheres.

René Descartes, a philosopher who died in 1650, knew as much about consciousness as we do. We still don't know what makes a human out of an animal. We prefer to see ourselves as special in the universe, more conscious than any other animal; but we could be wrong about our specialness.

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Leading Causes of Death

I came across an article from the New England Journal of Medicine showing the number of deaths due to various diseases. It shows COVID deaths in 2020.

Take note: lots of people die from lifestyle than COVID. We the people have control over what we eat and exercise.

Thursday, April 1, 2021

On Love

This morning, I was reading an essay by a philosopher, Bertrand Russell, in his book of essays "Why I am not a Christian." The particular essay is entitled The Good Life. "Love is a word which covers a variety of feelings...Love is an emotion...on one side pure contemplation; on the other, pure benevolence."

Suddenly it struck me, as my mind flashed on Jesus' saying "God is love."

God is an emotion. My mind expanded into the universe.

Abraham always says, "There is great love here for you." Abraham is non-physical energy communicating through one woman. But Abraham is also teaching people about how to connect with higher consciousness. When Abraham says that there is great love for us in non-physical consciousness, what do I take that to mean? Abraham has helped me to deliberately and consciously choose how I want to feel at any given moment. Love is a feeling. God is love. There is great love here for me. Non-physical is here. I am a sentient being. What does love feel like? Love is a variety of feelings. Love is non-physical here in the material world too.

Love is a confusing word. Did my parents love me? Coming from a troubled home, I didn't have that experience. I don't have a husband or children, so I don't know what that type of love means. I love dogs.

In 12 Step groups, people often have difficulty with the idea of God. They really don't want anything to do with it, and this thinking is the biggest defeat of Alcoholics Anonymous. In step 3 we are to turn our will and our life over to the care of a power greater than ourselves. Elsewhere, the textbook of AA calls that power "God as we understood Him." Religion fouls people up because they are seeking a personality, an entity, or a voice to turn their will and their life over to. In my thinking this morning, I thought, "Holy shit! God is an emotion. In this word, there are big implications." We get out of obsessing for alcohol or drugs by getting out of ourselves, usually by a benevolent act, like helping another.

Love is a word. God is love. Love is an emotion or a variety of feelings ranging from pure contemplation to pure benevolence. I am a sentient being. Sentient means I am aware of feelings. I can feel. Love is a feeling. My consciousness is mainly made of the translation of feelings. Thoughts come after feelings. That is, I feel and then I have a thought about how that feeling came to exist. Love is a feeling. God is love. Love exists as a feeling. Love is never a thing or an entity. God is never a thing or an entity.

I can deliberately think and feel my way into love. Contemplate nature or help someone. Feel the feelings.

Geek out on this for crying out loud. It is amazing to have the door open to love and God and the greatness of everything.

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Aslinger Endurance Run

What is this story about? Getting to the finish line is difficult, but if you do, it feels good.

If I tell people that I ran 50 miles last weekend, they say they are amazed, but actually, they have no idea what running 50 miles could be like. It is inconceivable. That I am able to do it is inconceivable to me.

So, part of my brain thinks that 50 miles is easy and that part of my brain signs up for a race thinking it will be fun. Then, another part of my brain kicks in and says, "well the race is in so many weeks. We need to get on the training." And I do get on the training because I like running. And if I am lucky, I don't overdo the training and I don't hurt myself. Then, several days before the race, a sense of dread sets in. The logical part of my brain speaks up, "Why have I signed up for this race. It will hurt and I might not finish." And the logical part of my brain tries to come up with some really good reason for not going to the race. Or maybe no reason, just don't go. "You are 62 years old, what makes you think you can run 50 miles. Forget it. You could really hurt yourself and have to quit. Wouldn't it be nicer to stick around home and have a nice 10 mile run in the forest?" Since most races involve an effort of travel and picking hotels, food for the journey, planning nutrition for during the race, and preventive measures like taping, and shoe choice, just getting to the start line is a major undertaking. So many hurdles beyond the training.

Just that many hurdles came up with the Aslinger Endurance run which took place last weekend. Throw in there a mid-week COVID shot, and I had an excuse. I would tell myself, and everyone else, that I didn't go because of the COVID shot. There. Face saved. No need to stress myself out with a long drive and a run all night. Don't worry about how your feet will feel, just don't go. So, there. Many mental hurdles to overcome.

Hard things involve doing what some part of the brain doesn't want to do. A step-by-step process got underway. I needed to go to the store to buy food for the journey. I needed to haul my little wagon out of the basement and pile the necessary stuff in it. I also lollygagged and took it easy, resting my legs. I wrote in my journal, asking myself: Why are you doing this? Why would you want to do this?" I remembered a race in 2019 where I did 50 miles and remembered how amazing I felt as I finished.

I also backstopped myself. I set off several foggers in the house so I knew I couldn't come back for at least a day. And off I went on my 5-hour drive.

I made it to the site.

I set up my personal aid station. The wagon is filled with extra clothes, drinks and snacks.

The course was a 1.15 mile loop. 50.6 miles was 44 laps. You get a belt buckle if you go 50 miles. About 80 people were entered into the race.

At the start of most races, they play the national anthem. The men take off their hats. People put their hands over their hearts. On this day, I put my hand over my heart. 2020's numerous disasters flashed momentarily through my head and I became a survivor. Tears welled up in my eyes. This 62-year-old lady is still kicking. I ran so many virtual races. Finally, I am at a race in person and plan to run 50 miles.

The race starts at 7 pm. Now, for a 24-hour race, the point is that you stay on course for 24 hours. But I already know that I can't force myself to stay on my feet that long. Part of this has to do with poor nutrition execution and a lack of crew and painful feet. I am bad at eating during running so I bonk around 34 miles. I look at those snacks I bought just for this race and don't want any of them. So, for a 24-hour race like this, I just plan on taking a long break in the middle of the night when I retreat to a hotel to eat and rest and make any necessary repairs (if I had a crew, they would solve my problems for me). Then I come back to the race and complete the miles needed for 50. I don't try to do as many miles as possible like the race would seem to demand because I already know the results of completely trashing my body. I don't prefer to need weeks or months to recover from one race. So I go to a limit of health and well-being. This attitude is somewhat anti-ethos for ultra-running, but hey, I'm 62 years old and still out there so let me manage my body as works for me.

This particular race was projected to have clear weather, though a bit chilly in the night. We start off at 7 pm. I begin with my easy pace of 5 miles per hour. I figure that I will run like that for about 14 miles, then add in walk breaks and quit sometime after mid-night with more than 20 miles. Then the next day there would be plenty of time to finish off the rest of the 50 miles before the race ended. My feet started to hurt sooner than I thought they should. I began to think that I had made a mistake with my shoes. I fought with the idea of canceling Saturday night's hotel reservation, finishing 26 miles on Friday night, collecting a medal for a marathon, and going home on Saturday morning. See? I'm trying to escape, to quit. But somehow, I never got the energy to pull out my phone and cancel Saturday's hotel. As 11:59 pm passed by, I realized that I was going to have to pay for the hotel anyway so I would for sure need to come back to the race on Saturday. Backstopped by a hotel reservation.

I left the race a little after midnight with 23 miles. That left 27 miles to finish on Saturday. No biggie. But not all was great with my body. The 23 miles had been more painful than I thought they should have been. In the night, I ran in two long sleeve shirts and a fleece, but I must have been more chilled than I realized. After I got into my hotel room, I ate and cleaned up. I decided to switch shoes for the next day. I planned to just go to the race and lazily walk around if I felt bad until at least check-in time for the next hotel (the next hotel was 90 minutes drive up the road. I knew I didn't want to drive all the way home after the race but just far enough to get near a city where the hotels were nicer). After I got in bed, I began shivering uncontrollably. My heart was racing like my metabolism was working hard on fixing my chemistry. What was happening? Well, nothing really. I drank more water. Read my book. Put in earplugs because the hotel was noisy even at 2 am.

I got up at 7. I drank coffee. Ate a large peanut butter and butter sandwich. Packed up my stuff and went back to the race. The sun was out. I felt good. The shoes felt good. I set my Garmin for 3 minutes jog x 2 minutes walk. I really felt good. My feet weren't hurting at all. Even with a terrible night in the hotel, my body had healed itself. And so a very uneventful but glorious day unfolded. I actually was in a sort of zone. My feet never really hurt. I stayed enough ahead on nutrition that I didn't bonk. The miles passed easily. This is why I do these races, this zone feeling. Soon I was on the last lap. I rejoiced, "Hey, look, I did it. I met my goal!" All those tons of quitter thoughts had been refused. Here I was, finishing my race.

I packed up my stuff. I gave the race director a hug (my first mask-less hug in a year but who gives a shit about masks when they just ran 50 miles) and collected my belt buckle. The actual running time was 11 hours and 15 minutes (damn that's fast). Elapsed time was 21 hours.

I look like a little kid. My dream came true. This little old lady is still out there.

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

Book Review -- "Beyond Order" by Jordan Peterson

I am a Jordan Peterson fan. I often eat dinner and listen to his lectures. I read his first book, "12 Rules for Life" several years ago and was thoroughly engaged with it. Jordan Peterson claims to be a psychologist, but he is a very well educated man. Well educated in subjects beyond psychology, such as philosophy, religion, and even biology. He is a university professor and taught at Harvard for several years.

The book "Beyond Order," a kind of sequel to the first 12 Rules book, was written during a very difficult time in Jordan Peterson's life. His daughter and wife had some severe health problems over a span of a few years; then Peterson himself had to go through a very difficult detoxification from benzodiazepines, an anti-anxiety drug. I think this journey through a dark valley is reflected in Beyond Order. While the cover of Peterson's first 12 Rules book is white, Beyond Order has a black cover. The darkness shows up in the writing. Beyond Order is much more complicated to read than Peterson's first 12 Rules book, and projects a much darker, or deep, human ethos. Peterson's favorite word in Beyond Order seems to be malevolent. I think that I only understood portions of Beyond Order because I have listened to many of Peterson's podcasts.

It was at rule eleven and page 353 that I received a great message. Rule eleven is "Do not allow yourself to become resentful, deceitful, or arrogant."

After seemingly endless discussions of how the world and other people are malevolent: "The right attitude to the horror of existence--the alternative to resentment, deceit, and arrogance--is the assumption that there is enough of you, society, and the world to justify existence. That faith in yourself, your fellow man, and the structure of existence itself: the belief that there is enough of you to contend with existence and transform your life into the best it could be. Perhaps you could live in a manner whose nobility, grandeur, and intrinsic meaning would be of sufficient import that you could tolerate the negative elements of existence without becoming so bitter as to transform everything around you into something resembling hell.

"Of course, we are oppressed by the fundamental uncertainty of Being. Of course, nature does us in, in unjust and painful ways. Of course, our societies tend toward tyranny, and our individual psyches toward evil. But that does not mean that we cannot be good, that our societies cannot be just, and that the natural world cannot array itself in our favor. What if we constrain our malevolence a bit more, serve and transform our institutions more responsibly, and be less resentful? God only knows what the ultimate limit to that might be. How much better could things become if we all avoided the temptation to actively or passively warp the structure of existence; if we replaced anger with the vicissitudes of Being with gratitude and truth? And if we all did that, with diligent and continual purpose, would we not have the best chance of keeping at bay those elements of self, state, and nature that manifest themselves so destructively and cruelly, and that motivate our turning against the world?"

It occurred to me that I don't see such great malevolence in the world as Peterson. I see greater well-being. Especially, I see Being as benign. Nature is not out to get me, and neither are most people. I can take Peterson's advice and live in such a way as to make the world a better place. I do not at all have the temptation to warp the structure of reality by doing evil. I have a conscious and continuous practice of gratitude. I have tools to deal with my resentment and anger. And, all I need to do is continue to live in the energy of well-being. Manifesting well-being is the purpose I carry out and my contribution to the world. These realizations about myself reflect many years of emotional work on myself, so it is awesome to feel as wonderful about myself as I do.

Sunday, March 14, 2021

Ethos

Credit for image: https://owl.excelsior.edu/argument-and-critical-thinking/modes-of-persuasion/modes-of-persuasion-ethos/

In the past few weeks, in daily encounters with people trying to make conversation, people have asked me in a casual way, like asking about the weather, “Did you get your COVID vaccine?” Actually, I am still waiting. I am far down the priority list. I’m Only 62. I’m not fat nor do I have any other chronic lifestyle disease. I don’t work in a special job. When I reply with, “I’m not eligible,” people often offer suggestions about how I could beat the system. Beating the system often involves lying or cheating in some way. I can’t do that. This brings me to the topic of ethos. My thesis: the methods by which people obtain a vaccine show their ethos. White privileged Americans are showing their ethos. The predominant ethos is deservability and unqualified right.

What is ethos? Your ethos is your character. In a rhetorical argument, good character is important. You can believe and trust someone with good character. Ethos is how you show up in the world. What is your ethos?

There are some basic privileges which the currently vaccinated have, although they may not recognize them. They are things like internet access, transportation, and time. These privileges do makeup one’s ethos, even if one doesn’t think about them. If one didn’t have these privileges, one wouldn’t yet have received a vaccine. Another way to get vaccine privilege is to work adjacent to a privileged category, like to have an accounting job in a hospital or the business end of a nursing home. This person is not exposed in their job, but the hospital will finagle an extra dose for these employees. Some people have bribed their way into the vaccine line. Money buys many privileges, vaccines are just one of them. Some people are just lucky. They were standing in the pharmacy at the end of the day and happened to snag an extra dose. Maybe in today’s moral environment, there is nothing immoral about any of this. But somehow, other than old people, I know many younger people who got a vaccine through some back door method like this.

Another way to get a vaccine is to have a lifestyle disease like obesity or diabetes. Yes, I say it now. These people are at higher morbidity risk from COVID. But their problems are of their own making. Why should they get special privileges? From a public health point of view, yes, special categories of people should get vaccines as soon as possible. But it is a situation tinged with special privileges, maybe earned through years of physical neglect. Victimhood is another description of “specialness.”

Where you live is a vaccine privilege. It is not just the country, but where in the country. Notice that in the US, within any state or county, vaccine privileges vary. I live in a Democratic city in a state with a Trumpist Republican governor. Despite the state being short of doses in general, the Republican governor sent more vaccines to the Republican countryside first. Presumably, that is where his voting base resides.

If you don’t have vaccine privilege, what do you have? Vaccine poverty. Many people who were poor to begin with don’t have the rest of the means to obtain a vaccine. Many people don’t have specialness, or luck, or some other back door. So they are vaccine-poor.

The liars are the ones that really bother me. I have been offered several methods for lying in order to get a vaccine. People I thought were pretty good people are telling me to lie to cut in line. I can’t do this. My ethos is not that. The other people who bother me are those who flaunt their vaccine cheating without at all realizing that they are flaunting an ethos of cheating.

My ethos has something to do with personal integrity. Only a humble or sincerely honest ethos can defend against claiming unqualified rights and privileges. I am politely waiting in the vaccine line until it is my lawful turn.

Thursday, March 4, 2021

Psychic Epidemics

I am just sharing something I read and thought interesting. I have to question myself: what psychic epidemics am I participating in? How is my mind infected?

Carl Jung wrote of the dangers of what he called psychic epidemics, collective outbursts of mass psychosis that can take hold of entire societies and sweep them along to disaster. Having witnessed both World Wars, he warned that these were not unique events: “the gigantic catastrophes that threaten us today,” he wrote, “are not elemental happenings of a physical or biological order, but psychic events. To a quite terrifying degree we are threatened by psychic epidemics.”

What should you do?

This is a good time to walk away from activities that bring you too close to the collective mind.

Second, put more time into your spiritual life. That’s a risky thing to suggest just now because certain modes of popular spirituality function very efficiently just now as conduits for the psychic epidemic building around us

Third, spend time outdoors in nature as often as possible.

Monday, March 1, 2021

COVID Vaccine Thinking.

Are you a young person who has not yet been vaccinated against covid? Do you wonder if the vaccine is good for you and your biome?

Go to minute 32 of this video and listen to the vaccine discussion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hZ4AotgJGI

Make your decision.

Now, the whole video is fascinating regarding human activity on the plant. If you have the time, listen.

Sunday, February 28, 2021

Long Run

Winter is waning. Warmer temperatures are here. The birds are singing merrily away. I ran 20.1 miles today in a forest. I am entered in a race that is 19 days away. My feet and legs are really in good shape, better than for several years.

Honesty and Integrity, Anti-corruption

Here is an article in The Atlantic that interviews Adam Kinzinger. Adam is one of the Republicans who stood up to Trump. And he makes a point that the other Republicans are afraid of losing their jobs, so they don't stand up to Trump. I totally agree. As a person who had to quit a job over ethical matters, and whose career in process safety meant dealing with ethical matters on a daily basis, I say to those frightened Republicans, put on your big boy pants. Stop lying. Also, Trump is busily TURNING more legislators, somehow blackmailing or bribing them to obey him. We need to stop this.

Check out a new movement. I joined it. www.Country1st.com

Democrat or Republican, bring back integrity to legislators. And don't vote for any Trump syncophants.

A golden Trump image = Disgusting!

BELOW IS COPIED FROM THE ATLANTIC ARTICLE LINKED ABOVE:

Adam kinzinger is a liberated individual—liberated from his party leadership, liberated from the fear of being beaten in a primary, liberated to speak his mind. The 43-year-old representative was one of 10 House Republicans who voted to impeach Donald Trump for inciting the attack on the U.S. Capitol.

“I don’t have a constitutional duty to defend against a guy that is a jerk and maybe says some things I don’t like,” Kinzinger told me, explaining what had pushed him to finally break with the president. “I do when he’s getting ready to destroy democracy—and we saw that culminate on January 6th.”

This was the sort of language a number of Republicans used in the immediate aftermath of the riot. “The president bears responsibility for Wednesday’s attack on Congress by mob rioters,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said on January 13. But by the end of the month, McCarthy was traveling hat in hand to Mar-a-Lago to meet with Trump.

“I was really pissed—I wasn’t surprised, but I was really upset,” Kinzinger said. “And to have seen it in just such a short amount of time go from ‘Donald Trump bears blame’ to ‘I’m going to go down and kiss the ring’ because you want to win your speakership. I mean, really? It’s that important? For what?”

In Kinzinger’s view, McCarthy’s Florida trip was an act of betrayal by a man who was supposed to put the interests of his own caucus—and of the country—first. “Starting about eight months ago, I noticed that he was never interested in defending [House Republicans] … He would throw us under the bus and defend Donald Trump,” he said. “And that was just more of what this is. And then [Minority Whip] Steve Scalise goes down” to Mar-a-Lago, two weeks later. One by one, most of the leaders of his party knuckled under—but not Kinzinger.

“I just refuse to bow.”

Kinzinger is a man on a mission; he sees politics not merely as a way to gain power but as an arena that tests character. In 2008, he watched John McCain run for president. “He said, ‘I would rather lose an election than lose a war.’ I admired that.” Inspired, Kinzinger ran for Congress in 2010, and won.

Like McCain, Kinzinger served in the military before entering national politics. He joined the United States Air Force in 2003 and flew missions in, among other places, Afghanistan and Iraq. He’s still a pilot, now a lieutenant colonel in the Air National Guard. Military service “made me a much better person in terms of being able to relate to people,” he told me.

“I think any time you fight for something bigger than you, that is life-changing. I think any time you are willing to put your life on the line for something, that’s life-changing.” That belief, he continued, is “the thing that has always driven me, ever since I’ve gotten into politics.” He’s attracted to the idea of voluntary national service, because like military service, it takes people from different life backgrounds and life experiences and creates bonds, mutual understanding, and greater unity.

Kinzinger’s political stance—his willingness to criticize the most popular and feared figure in his party, when the overwhelming majority of his colleagues have either gone silent or defended the ex-president’s indefensible actions—can’t be understood apart from his military service.

“Because we ask [service members] to die for the country, we have to be willing to do the same thing. But”—here he turned incredulous—“we’re too scared to vote for impeachment, because we’re going to lose our job? Like, seriously?”

For most of Kinzinger’s colleagues, the answer is: Yes, seriously. When I asked Kinzinger how many Republican votes there would have been in favor of impeachment if it had been a secret ballot, he told me 150. Instead, there were only 10.

Wednesday, February 24, 2021

Running

A week ago, or so, we were finishing off 10 days of arctic cold and snow. Yesterday, it was above 60degF. I went for an 18 mile run.

Today, another 6 mile run in the forest. No ice anywhere!

Now that I am a college student, I have to think about spring break, when I won't have homework or classes. I signed up for a 24 hour race during spring break. It is basically 3 weeks away. My goal for the race is to get to 50 miles. I have hotel reservations since the race is a 5 hour drive away. My body is in really good shape right now.

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Polar Retreat 10 - end

This is the last day of my Polar Retreat. Tomorrow will still be cold and maybe snowy, but not polar cold.

It was like -11degF last night.

Thanks to some Texas power plants being offline, power in Missouri was stressed. This morning at 8am, my power shut off for 30 minutes. The temperature in the house went from 63 to 59.

This morning, I got my car warmed up and drove a half mile to the gas station to top off the gas tank. The car is good. I have two faucets in an outside wall which I have had dribbling for three days. I didn't want those pipes to freeze. I'll shut them off tomorrow. I'll do laundry tomorrow. Because of the power shortage, our local power company has asked us not to run dryers. ok. I have on new underwear.

Classes have been canceled today. I need to study for a philosophy quiz. I've been reading a book about the cost of college so I've learned about merit awards. That is, almost no one pays full price for college. People either get need grants or merit awards. This caused me to check out the web page of a local private college, William Jewell. I saw that they have published the price tag for community college transfer students. It was very reasonable. That gives me hope. My retirement plans are to be a scholar and an athlete. I'd hate to quit the scholar part just because it was too expensive.

This morning, I rode my elliptical for an hour. Ran fast on the treadmill for 3 miles. Then went outside to jog for another 5.1 miles.

I like Tuesday nights. I usually have class from 6:30 to 8. Then there are two ultra-running live streams to listen to, beginning at 8 and at 9. I play free cell and listen to the latest in the distance running world.

Monday, February 15, 2021

Polar Day 9

Temperatures are below zero degrees Fahrenheit. They will stay that way for another 24 hours. Snow on the ground and maybe a little more to come. It is snowing lightly now. The salt truck has been through my complex, but I don't know what that will do given the severe temperatures.

Goggins DNF -- In so far as a workout at 11 pm precludes sleep, and since I was filled with endorphins, I grew confused as to why I am doing a Goggins. If lots of workouts were not going to tire me out so I can sleep, then why should I do them? At 2:30 am, being awake, I shut off the alarm. My body relaxed and I felt closer to sleep. When I woke up at 7 am, I did not immediately jump on the treadmill. I went to the coffee and the morning reflection and reading. I noticed that Billy Yang did his Goggins with a zoom meeting of 150 people and Goggins himself. Doing it by yourself might cause you to wonder why. I am not Goggins. Still, working out all day does help me to get through this terrible polar vortex. There will be workouts today, but of the cross-training type. My knees are somewhat tired of the treadmill anyway.

Today, workouts will be mostly using elliptical, rower, ex-bike, and ski machines. I need to lift weights. I probably will walk on the treadmill some as well.

I have an English Rhetoric zoom lecture today. I have been struggling with friction. There is friction between what I want to say about Plato's Allegory of the Cave and what the teacher seems to want to be said. She has given bullet points to address in our essay, but my interests would point in a different direction. However, this morning, I think I was able to piece together a point of view that would cover the bullet points and my opinions. Plato's allegory is about the spiritual journey to the knowledge of The Sun, and the enlightened person's responsibility to return to the world.

Diagram of Plato's Cave:

Sunday, February 14, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 8 - Goggins 1

It is 1degF outside and the temperatures are going down. It is snowing now. I went to the store this morning to stock up on groceries. Now what?

Maybe a Goggins 4x4x48. That is 4 miles every 4 hours for 48 hours. If you are not an ultra runner, you might not have heard of David Goggins. He wrote an inspirational book and has many Youtube clips. That should see me through to Tuesday morning. The 4x4x48 sounds difficult. Yes, it is difficult. I don't know if I can do it. But at 11 am, I began with the first 4 miles.

The 4x4x48 challenge is not guaranteed to me. But something to focus my mind on while I wait out the polar vortex. I will concede a little during the 3am workout, assuming I make it out of bed. I don't want to shake the building and make noise perhaps waking my neighbor. So I'll use the elliptical for that workout.

Billy Yang and Goggins:

The weather:

Saturday, February 13, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 7

Today was too cold outside for running, even though it was sunny for half the day. The sun was beautiful and it shone in the windows. But since it is clear now, it will be even colder tonight, tomorrow and Monday. It is a little windy too. Today's temperature was 40degF below normal.

So I ran 13 miles on the treadmill. During this run, I listened to the Senate impeachment proceedings. Are you a Republican? Then face the fact that you are a Trump Republican. There is no other kind anymore. Maybe you are happy with that.

I will probably walk some on the treadmill this evening, just because, bored. I watched a good deal of the Black Canyon ultras because they had a live feed all day. It was amazing to see so much coverage of a 62 mile race in the Arizona desert. The winners of this race get Golden Tickets to the Western States 100 mile race.

I also bought myself a two hour Abraham broadcast. It was amazing how Abraham answered the questions I had for non-physical, my Inner Being. I've been listening to Abraham for several years. I'm realizing how this world is about vibration. I will probably listen to the broadcast again tomorrow since I'll be inside all day again. It might snow a little just to add to our predicament.

I have an English paper to write. Books to read. Books to write.

Friday, February 12, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 6

It was colder and windier outside today. So I didn't go running outside. Instead, I used my elliptical, ski machine, rowing machine, and ex-bike, plus lifting weights. Some chores even got done. Tomorrow, I plan to run on the treadmill.

While working out, I listened to Trump's defense lawyers. If that was the only side of the matter I ever heard, I'd believe that Trump was an angel. Good thing that I am currently a college rhetoric student so that I can judge the sophists of both sides of the argument. Both sides edit films and quote people out of context. One really needs to question the data of both sides.

Today is Friday. This weekend is to be below zero degrees Fahrenheit, plus maybe some snow Sunday or Monday. But then Tuesday the temperature start to climb to more reasonable highs, like +10 degreesF.

Patience. Patience. I purchased an Abraham Hicks live broadcast for tomorrow afternoon. I have English writing to do. I've been working on my own book.

I appreciate that my heating works. I have food. I have books. I have the internet and electronic devices. I appreciate my exercise equipment. I appreciate Amazon for bringing stuff to my door. I appreciate my garage which is keeping my car from getting radically cold. I appreciate thought provoking English assignments. Overall, I am doing really well, even if slightly more confined than I want to be. This too shall pass.

Thursday, February 11, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 5

Day 5, Thursday, is today. I am writing this late in the evening of Thursday. We are expecting a big dip in temperatures for the next 4 days. Down into the cold valley we go, get some snow, and then slowly climb out. Be patient. Hold tight.

Good thing I didn't try to drive to Houston today. There was ice on the roads and a huge accident around Fort Worth, one of my favorite places.

Today, I ran 8.3 miles outside. I did laps around my complex. It was a little bit windy, so my face got a bit colder. This evening I walked 4 miles on the treadmill. I don't know if I'll go outside to run tomorrow. It is supposed to be colder and windier.

Today, I went out for a late lunch with a friend. It is the first time I've been out with anyone in months. We picked a very uncrowded restaurant. It was weird to sit and talk and eat without a mask. But it was tremendous to talk to someone for a long time.

My college English class is focused on Plato's cave. Interesting to answer deep questions I should've answered 40 years ago. But when I went to college the first time, I was focused on getting an engineering degree and getting a job. I knew nothing about weightier questions like, "What makes life worth living?" or "Who are you really?" I had no answers. I just wanted to make money so I could move out of the alcoholic household I grew up in. Actually, I honor myself for taking care of myself. After I started my career, much of my life was focused on earning money so I could quit, and then do what I wanted with my life.

So now, finally retired, I can think about who I really am. I have 30 more years of living available. I am in college and taking English composition and rhetoric. I am learning to write kick-ass essays. I am stuck in the house for a few more days, so I will be pondering Plato and symbolism and answering hard questions with essays.

Wednesday, February 10, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 4

I just watched the 13 minute video of Trump's mob storming the capitol on January 6. It is very disturbing but I suggest everyone watch it. I fully believe that Trump needs to be held accountable (ie punished) for his lies and instigation of violence.

Yesterday's exercise: 60 minutes on elliptical, 35 minutes running really fast on the treadmill, 75 minutes walking uphill on the treadmill.

I attended my philosophy class via zoom last night. Then I watched my usual 2 podcasts related to ultra-running. Looking forward to the Black Canyon Ultra this weekend. It is to be live-streamed. Several big names going for golden tickets.

This morning I noticed that the roads in the complex were mostly dry, though salt covered. It was 10degF and not too windy. So I ran laps around the complex for 8.4 miles. I am very happy with that.

I wasn't able to get right to sleep last night so I did some reading. I still woke up at 7 though.

I am pretty much at peace with the solitude. I wish it was a little warmer, or that no more snow was forecast, but otherwise, my life is sort of normal. Thinking, writing, reading, running. I am getting tired of the book "Caste" because there are only so many stories of whites brutalizing blacks that I am interested in reading. I did read an interesting proposal this morning which sort of explains Trump's working-class white mob. A moment of, "Oh, that's why they follow him." But also, I should stop and reflect that had I been the wife of a Southern white in 1950, I probably would have stood around and watched lynchings, hoping no one noticed me. It is true that most of us would have supported Hitler had we been German.

How do you step outside the mainstream, the mob, and stand for peace and equality? Well, I guess you pay the price of violence to your physical apparatus.

Day by day, my older friends are texting out that they got the shot. I'm happy for them. It is easy to become a tad bit annoyed knowing that I won't be eligible to get a shot for months. But then I remember to celebrate well being. I have incredible good health and well being. I celebrate that I am not in one of the sickly groups who go to the head of the line. I'm 62 years old and I ran 8 miles at 11 minutes per mile in the bitter cold this morning. Celebrate. Drink another green tea.

Picture of a bare salty road in the complex:

Today's weather.

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 3

Still very cold until Tuesday, when 20degF will seem like a heatwave. Patience.

Exercise yesterday: 10 miles in 2 hours on the treadmill during the morning. In the evening, I rowed and ex-bikes and lifted weights. Yesterday on the treadmill, I was looking out the window. I watched the truck plow the roads and lay down salt. Our homeowner's association pays for that. It is a wonderful thing.

I got some new English/ Rhetoric assignments yesterday. I'm very happy with that because they are causing my brain to contemplate. I like writing essays. I have zoom philosophy this evening.

Reading on in "Caste" I came to realize that Trump is a scared fake alpha male and Bieden is a true alpha male. Trump's impeachment trial gets underway today. I will say, I never want that guy in office again. Yes, I think he should be held accountable for his actions on January 6.

It really is tempting to drive south, like to Denton. Denton has a wonderful bike path along the Trinity which would be good for long-distance running. BUT, freezing rain in Oklahoma on the day I would want to drive down there. I wouldn't mind the cold so much if there wasn't snow all over the place. Patience. Segment intend.

Monday, February 8, 2021

Polar Retreat Day 2

According to Weather Underground, this polar retreat will last another week. Shoot! Accept the situation. Be patient, but recognize the frustration of cold and snow restricting movement. It is worse than a pandemic because going outside is difficult.

Exercise yesterday: an hour on the elliptical got things started. Then I dressed in many layers, put yak-traks on my shoes, and went outside for a 5.4 mile walk in a snow storm. I was warm enough and I'm glad I did that. In the evening, I got on my indoor ski machine for 30 minutes and my ex-bike for 20 minutes and did my hip and core floor exercises.

I worked on personal writing projects and English homework.

I had ordered a book from Amazon that wasn't supposed to come until Tuesday. But it arrived yesterday. I was eager for the book because a friend recommended it and I needed something to focus on. The book is "Caste" by Isabel Wilkerson. It is a discussion of white supremacy in America. It is the fourth such book that I have read in the past 6 months or so.

When I read these books, I am reminded of a difficult situation I had during the last two years of employment as an engineer. I was on a workgroup that had 5 other women engineers and two old white men. 4 of the 5 women were technically insufficient for the job. 2 of these women were white and 2 were black. I experienced frustration with all of them because I had spent my career gaining competence. I wanted to be equal to the white men I always worked with. I felt that these incompetent women engineers were making women, and me in particular, look bad in front of white men.

One of these black women caused me additional grief because she was very beautiful with a large well-presented bosom, and the white boys would stare at it. I wanted her to be competent and less attractive so the men would respect her competence. I failed at coaching her on engineering. She didn't want my help. When reading white supremacy books, I've always thought of this black woman engineer and my anger at her. Now, however, in this book "Caste", I've finished 100 pages, I felt like letting myself off the hook. I tried to help but got rebuffed, assuming because I am an uppity white lady.

At this thought, I completed an Abraham Hicks meditation on relationships. I realized that what others think of me is not my business, and I allowed that saying to hit home with this particular relationship. Abraham would also say that my inner being is not looking in that direction and that's why I feel bad. I need to change the direction in which I am looking. I began to appreciate myself for all I did do and appreciate that black woman for all she had accomplished in her life.

It is strange to me that a book on white supremacy would help me let myself off a hook, but also wonderful that Abraham would guide me in a productive vibrational direction. That is, I fixed the vibration so that energy can move forward. The fixing of vibration could be the most helpful thing that anyone should be doing for all relationships.

Aside from my personal whiteness, I read these white supremacy books because I might learn something about Trump's base and the Republican party. What is the future of this group of people who believe lies? I am watching and trying to understand how anyone could believe what that group believes.

This morning, it is cloudy but not snowing. It may snow a little later. There is hoar frost on the trees. It is still incredibly cold. I have zoom English at 1:30. I will run on the treadmill and eat lunch before then. More contemplation and exercise after that. I may be going crazy. We'll see.

Sunday, February 7, 2021

Polar Retreat 2021 - Day 1

For about 10 days, at least as far as I can see from the weather forecast, it will be very cold here, with intermittent snow. A couple of days ago, I thought maybe I would run down to Texas and skip this weather. But I would have had to drive 12 hours, and it looked like it was going to be cold and rainy on the Gulf Coast. So why do that?

Last night, I decided to put on my big girl pants and face my situation. An then it struck me. I could have a somewhat deeper retreat during this time. I can't go outside as much but that is the only real difference between all this snow and cold and regular February cold without the snow. Less driving around is a good idea, but the car still needs to be warmed up occasionally.

Acceptance. Non-resistant thought. All my machines, like the heaters, internet, computer, and treadmill, work fine. I made a list of things I've been putting off which can be done around the house. Acceptance. Stop pushing against the weather and enjoy things as they are.

The retreat is something of an exercise in conscious awareness. That is, how am I feeling right now? What should I do about it? Stop and tap into that bigger consciousness that has been with me all my life. That bigger consciousness is what matters and it never leaves me. That said, I don't think this Polar Retreat will be a religiously focused retreat. I call it a retreat because I have to step back from the world, but maintain sanity.

Thursday, February 4, 2021

The Object of Life

Solzhenitsyn, in The Gulag Archipelago, is attributed with saying:

"Bless you prison, bless you for being in my life. For there, lying upon the rotting prison straw, I came to realize that the object of life is not prosperity as we are made to believe, but the maturity of the human soul."

Sunday, January 24, 2021

To Care for My Soul

That long essay regarding failure to understand a philosophy exam helped me to feel better. This activity felt like I was caring for myself. Instead of letting my emotions rage, or trying to bury them, I worked them out in writing.

Your soul is not some mysterious thing. It is the entity that lives here in you, with all its various levels of awareness.

Taking the time to process your emotions. Taking the time to listen inwardly. Taking the time to reason things out. Taking the time to become aware of yourself, who you really are. These are examples of taking care of your soul.

It seems to me, at times, that my whole job here on earth is caring for my soul. All my relationships enhance and expand this activity. So caring for my soul must be a relationship with my soul. Does it help to call my soul my inner being? That being which is quieter than my emotional thoughts? Become aware of that quieter presence inside. It helps a lot to pay attention to it.

Saturday, January 23, 2021

A Tale From The Emotional Abyss

Tales From the Emotional Abyss

An Essay

A situation in my life has caused me to feel fear in my guts. Another situation has caused me to feel eager to write an essay. I can imagine myself developing the art of writing essays. From Jonathon Franzen's essay "The Essay in Dark Times," I have found this nugget, " Writing or reading an essay isn't the only way to stop and ask yourself who you really are and what your life might mean, but it is one good way" (6). And also, he says, "The discipline of fashioning a compelling story can crystallize thoughts and feelings you only dimly knew you had in you" (8).

I need to work out a problem.

I am bothering to write an essay as a means of organizing my confused thoughts and fears regarding my "Minds and Machines" philosophy class. This class is an MIT extension class, taken online. It doesn't count for anything as far as credits or grades count for a degree. It took the course because it advertised philosophy of mind. I didn't know anything about the philosophy of mind, but I am very interested in the consciousness question. Where does consciousness come from? I am also taking a beginning philosophy course at a junior college. The junior college class is starting from the beginning with topics in philosophy and I am learning.

The problem I'm working through regards the second midterm exam for the MIT philosophy class. I already know I cannot get the correct answers. So, I don't want to answer the questions wrong and see the red Xs. So maybe I should skip doing the exam at all. Getting questions wrong results in me disliking myself or thinking I am stupid. It is open book, but I simply can’t figure out what the right answers are. On the other hand, it is very unlike me to just blow an assignment off and go on with my life. But looking at the test questions, I feel a knot of fear well up in my guts. I believe I am training myself to fail philosophy. I don't want to do that.

Having been in the MIT course now for 3 months, we are only starting the actual unit on philosophy of mind. I have known since the first couple of weeks that the material was completely new to me and I had great difficulty understanding the lectures. And the lectures seemed to be covering material in which I had very little interest. And the questions seemed like riddles to me. I couldn't solve them on the front end. I could click several times and get the answer and then study the answer to understand the point, but this back end process is very unhelpful for answering exam questions that have to be figured out on the front end. Furthermore, the fear and anticipated failure feelings are carrying over to the very easy questions in the junior college philosophy class.

My question, should I ignore the MIT exam? This is turning out to be an existential question, not just much ado about nothing. Existential because the fear and the failures are becoming my ethos. Was the ethos always there and the MIT class uncovered it? Or is the MIT class developing it?

P1: I don't have the intellectual ability to puzzle out the MIT material, so I get everything wrong.

P2: If I fail at MIT, I'll start to fail at junior college because the fear of failure is becoming embedded in my guts.

P3: The MIT exam presents me with a situation where I am either a quitter or a failure.

C: Don't take the MIT exam.

The existential crisis involves premise 3. I don't want to feel like a quitter or a failure. So there must be a different way of looking at this which proves premise 3 wrong. That instead, premise 3 should say,

"P3*: The MIT exam helps me to validate my self worth and know my own brilliant inner truth."

How do I get there from here? Counter-arguments.

1. First grade versus sixth grade. Your parents would say, "Honey, you haven't taken a philosophy course before and you jump into something beyond what you know. Don't feel bad." I can think of many rational excuses for not understanding the MIT material. They may all be true, but my guts don't accept them. My guts want a new vibration.

2. Jordan Peterson's 7th rule: “Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient.” The questions of the MIT material seem like silly riddles to me. And studying the material isn't giving me the answers. But I don't care about the answers anyway. So, don't pursue what is meaningless. Spend your time on what does mean something to me. The lectures of the MIT class do seem meaningful (at times) and are worth listening to. It is just the questions that seem meaningless. What does mean something to me is to follow the trail of knowledge of the MIT course, from theories of mind through brains and minds.

3. Eagerness for essays in rhetoric. Just because I don't understand the MIT material doesn't mean that I can't be a deep thinker or write great essays. I feel eager to write essays. Being a philosopher does not mean that I need to be irrelevant in my essays. Brilliant inner truth can shine forth in the writing of an essay.

4. Well-being. Well-being is a vibration. It is a vibration that feels harmonious with consciousness. It is an ethos that is calming and joyful. Focusing on well-being, one is not a quitter for letting the MIT exam go. Brilliant inner truth can shine through in the intentional experience of well-being.

5. The irrational. Fear is an irrational emotion most of the time. Fear of being a quitter is based on false pride and early childhood teachings. When feeling this type of fear, one should know that the experience is irrational. That making a good decision for yourself is separate from fear.

The counter-arguments should be allowed. My existence is retained because I have an ethos of well-being and eagerness for something, namely essays. By writing this essay, I had to consider myself and my fear. I had to realize the existentiality of my fear. I had to not fall prey to basic teachings about quitting and failure.

I feel much better now that I wrote all these words.

Thursday, January 21, 2021

12121 Letter

Yesterday was an emotional day. I was happy to see Trump gone. I was so grateful for normal people and diverse people at the inauguration. I find that I am white and want to extend that privilege to all. I find that I want the government to lead a unified approach to the pandemic. I'd like to see easy access to voting and an end to gerrymandering. I'd like to see affordable healthcare and continued social security. The government shouldn't just be for corporations. The trickle-down theory doesn't work.

I was very moved by a young Black woman reading a poem. Hope. Dream. Inspiration. Allow it. Here it is:

“The Hill We Climb”

Amanda Gorman

When day comes we ask ourselves, where can we find light in this never-ending shade? The loss we carry, a sea we must wade. We’ve braved the belly of the beast, we’ve learned that quiet isn’t always peace and the norms and notions of what just is, isn’t always justice. And yet the dawn is ours before we knew it, somehow we do it, somehow we’ve weathered and witnessed a nation that isn’t broken but simply unfinished.

We, the successors of a country and a time where a skinny black girl descended from slaves and raised by a single mother can dream of becoming president only to find herself reciting for one. And, yes, we are far from polished, far from pristine, but that doesn’t mean we are striving to form a union that is perfect, we are striving to forge a union with purpose, to compose a country committed to all cultures, colors, characters and conditions of man.

So we lift our gazes not to what stands between us, but what stands before us. We close the divide because we know to put our future first, we must first put our differences aside. We lay down our arms so we can reach out our arms to one another, we seek harm to none and harmony for all.

Let the globe, if nothing else, say this is true: that even as we grieved, we grew, even as we hurt, we hoped, that even as we tired, we tried, that we’ll forever be tied together victorious, not because we will never again know defeat but because we will never again sow division.

Scripture tells us to envision that everyone shall sit under their own vine and fig tree and no one should make them afraid. If we’re to live up to our own time, then victory won’t lie in the blade, but in in all of the bridges we’ve made.

That is the promise to glade, the hill we climb if only we dare it because being American is more than a pride we inherit, it’s the past we step into and how we repair it. We’ve seen a force that would shatter our nation rather than share it. That would destroy our country if it meant delaying democracy, and this effort very nearly succeeded. But while democracy can periodically be delayed, but it can never be permanently defeated.

In this truth, in this faith, we trust, for while we have our eyes on the future, history has its eyes on us, this is the era of just redemption we feared in its inception we did not feel prepared to be the heirs of such a terrifying hour but within it we found the power to author a new chapter, to offer hope and laughter to ourselves, so while once we asked how can we possibly prevail over catastrophe, now we assert how could catastrophe possibly prevail over us.

We will not march back to what was but move to what shall be, a country that is bruised but whole, benevolent but bold, fierce and free, we will not be turned around or interrupted by intimidation because we know our inaction and inertia will be the inheritance of the next generation, our blunders become their burden. But one thing is certain: if we merge mercy with might and might with right, then love becomes our legacy and change our children’s birthright.

So let us leave behind a country better than the one we were left, with every breath from my bronze, pounded chest, we will raise this wounded world into a wondrous one, we will rise from the golden hills of the West, we will rise from the windswept Northeast where our forefathers first realized revolution, we will rise from the lake-rimmed cities of the Midwestern states, we will rise from the sunbaked South, we will rebuild, reconcile, and recover in every known nook of our nation in every corner called our country our people diverse and beautiful will emerge battered and beautiful, when the day comes we step out of the shade aflame and unafraid, the new dawn blooms as we free it, for there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.

Sunday, January 10, 2021

The American Gulag

I have been watching the snow melt. I have wanted to use certain bike paths, but some of them still have patches of ice, meaning I fear running on them. But, success will be had in the next day or so.

I watch the bush outside my kitchen window every day. This time of year, of course, it is barren of leaves. The only activity is very small birds which sometimes sit there. Above the bush is the sky. In the sky, various larger birds soar, hawks and geese.

Today, I picked up two thoughts from Alexander Solzhenitsyn's Gulag Archipelago, Volume 1.

Page 271, "for mercy one must have wisdom."

Page 280, "if in order to live it is necessary not to live, then what's it all for?"

Stop and think. At first, I could not understand that bit about mercy and wisdom, especially not in the context of the concentration camp. Perhaps it was a joke about the Russian jailers. But in my life, what does it mean? It refers to my personal relationships and having mercy on whoever I seem to resent. Having mercy or having wisdom seems like character traits not used enough today. And there I go, judging the mass consciousness.

Now, the second quote. What is living? Who is really alive? When I read the second quote, I immediately thought of my career. I left my career in order to be really alive. I didn't want any longer to sit in an office performing meaningless boring tasks. Now I have choices, but it is up to me to consciously choose. What is the most alive way of being available to me right this moment. The right choice is not always an activity but always involves turning on my intellect and engaging in something thoughtful.

In this instance, I ask fellow Americans, "What is being alive to you?" How are you being? Do you feel enlivened? Even at work, awaken to Life Itself? Even if I am watching snow melt or a barren bush, I need to capture Life. Life must be mine, or what's it all for?

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

Virtual Marathon, An Experience of Conscience

Awesome Houston Marathon swag.

Marathons are hard. They are all hard, for the fast and the slow alike. Some people don't know so I'll tell you: a marathon is 26.2 miles. In the time of COVID, many races got canceled and many popular races offered a virtual race. A virtual race means that you run the distance by yourself, on your own course, and report the results. Then, the race organizers send you the swag: a medal, shirt, and bib.

In 2018, as the gun went off in January for the Houston marathon, I was sitting on my bed with a box of Kleenex and feeling miserable. It was the only time I had entered the Houston marathon. I had been entered for a year because the race fills up. I did not start, DNS.

So, fast forward to 2021, I no longer live in Houston. However, the Houston marathon is canceled and a virtual option is available. I signed up just to get some Houston marathon swag. It means a lot to me to have this swag for my collection of virtual marathon medals.

But running a marathon in January is a tricky thing in Missouri. It is usually too cold to spend 6 hours outside jogging and walking your way through 26 miles. I had assumed that I might have to run the Houston marathon on a treadmill. This year, however, the weather is pretty warm. The problem is snow laying on the ground. The snow on the bike paths means I can't use them for running. But in the little complex where I live, the roads have been spectacularly cleared.

I picked yesterday to run my Houston marathon. It was supposed to get warm. I had devised a 1.2 mile loop around the complex. I could return to my home for pit stops. I had to start the marathon after the sun came up, but early enough that I could finish before it started to cool off. I got started at 8:40. The first miles were a bit slow and tricky because of...black ice. I only fell once.

The day was beautiful. I settled into lap after lap. What happens in my head during 6 hours of boring running? Frequently, my head is trying to figure out how to quit. Falling on the ice was the first excuse. Along with excuses for quitting, there are devious plans to fake results and post them anyway just to get the swag. It is only a virtual race so what does it matter if I lie about the results? Truth is, my brain wants to quit in real races and often suggests that I cut the course.

I have never cheated in a marathon or anything. While some part of my brain goes on and on with cheating suggestions, some other part of my brain quietly pursues real achievement. I call this quiet part of my brain my conscience.

Up until 14 or 15 miles, I find jogging quite easy. The black ice has been disappearing. The sun is out and actually doing its job of warming the earth. But after that, my feet begin to hurt and persevering becomes harder. I cut myself a break and start adding short walk breaks. Once past 20 miles, I know I can finish, even if I walk the last 6 miles.

For most of my life, I've been a runner, sometimes sacrificing hours at work because I need to go running. I spent my career getting up at 3:45 in order to go running before going to work. I often wondered if I was wasting my life. But now, I think not. What I am doing each time I complete a marathon without cheating, especially if I am doing it by myself, is experiencing a higher-order consciousness than ego consciousness. I experience my Conscience. The experience of Conscience is one of the highest things a human can experience, and running marathons gives this to me.

Sunday, January 3, 2021

2021 Focus of Intentions

In the quiet of my consciousness, in the depths of my heart, what do I really want? How do I want to feel about being alive or while being alive? How do I want to be? During this time of decreased social interaction, my focus is on being. There is little else to my life at the moment. So what I want is ways of thinking and feeling and being, quite separate from society.

1. The consciousness of Life Itself: Life Itself comes to me as an actual presence that I can feel. Life Itself is what some would call a higher power or god. Life Itself is a pure consciousness that comes and inhabits and lives as one with me. This is what gets me out of bed, or goes running, or does homework for school.

2. Well being: My life has been filled with well being for the past couple of years. I meditate every morning with a well being meditation. My intention is to increase my reliance on well being, to intend for well being consciously. To segment intend well being for each daily interaction.

3. The Art of Allowing: Mostly allowing or generating non-resistant thought. To inventory my thought and continuously consciously choose what I want to think about which helps me to feel good.

4. Appreciation and positive aspects: Every night, I make a list of things I appreciate that day. The list might be a simple material thing, like my car, or a non-physical thing like inspiration. I recognize when I felt awesome and the sunrise which was awesome.

5. Joy: I forget this one all the time. But joy can be felt at any moment if consciously chosen or focused on. Joy feels good. I can do it.

6. Expansion of mental states: Greater depth of thought. I recognize through my 2020 philosophy class that I was superficial in my thinking. I want to embrace the study of philosophy, which means greater depth.

7. Abundance of Existence: Abundance is a feeling greater than how much money you have. I want to and can feel abundance. The abundance of existence is not necessarily running around doing impressive things, but a feeling of abundance from the inside. Like I have an abundance of heart.

Yes, I will continue to be a scholar and an athlete. Marathons will be run, weights lifted, college attended, bills paid, meetings, groceries, chores. Material life will be lived. My intentions are about the quality of daily life. I bring Life Itself into my life, my consciousness.

Saturday, January 2, 2021

2020 was a Good Year

In 2020, I ran 3,016 miles. This amazing number is brought to you by covid unemployment. I got a number of weeks off work during the shutdown, but then I quit my part-time gig altogether in October. Since many running races were canceled in 2020, I completed numerous virtual races and obtained much swag as a result. Running virtual races did give me something to look forward to. I was surprised at how seriously I took them.

By the time November rolled around, I broke the rules and went to Dallas for 2 real races. By November, smaller races had figured out social distancing protocols so we could all be safe and run races too. I also had the very great pleasure of giving my Godmother a ride to Dallas so she could see her grandson for Thanksgiving. We all did due diligence regarding covid safety and no one got sick.

In 2020, I became a college student. It began with the idea that I could take some English composition courses to improve my writing. It has continued on because I would like to learn more about the humanities. As an engineering student 40 years ago, I took mostly math and science in college. Now, I want to be educated in philosophy. I am also taking a philosophy course online from MIT. It is very difficult and way over my head, but at least I've been exposed to deep concepts and will be able to assimilate them over time.

In 2020, I've been filled with well being. I've realized that I have many friends even if I don't see them as much. I've reached out more and had great conversations on the phone. I've read many interesting books. Thank you Mid-Continent Public Library for your service.

In 2020, I've spent more time on the news. At the start of the lock down, I subscribed to The New York Times and The Atlantic. I've liked access to longer articles and focuses than I'd get from scrolling through my phone on Apple or Google News. Most of all, I've subscribed to Heather Cox Richardson's daily newsletter. She is a history professor. I've been astounded at her knowledge of history, much of which I didn't know, and her analysis of politics. It has been wonderful to hear the news without hype or mainstream media.

In 2020, I prospered. I expanded mentally, emotionally, and economically. It is lovely to have investments work out or to have the government send you money. But of much greater prosperous evidence is thinking and feeling abundant, or feeling connected to your higher consciousness. Higher consciousness is actually a misnomer. Higher consciousness is an inherent quality, one is never without it. Consciousness is.period. Get quiet and you'll know it is there.

In 2020, everything worked out for me.

On New Year's Eve, I went for a 14 mile run. The sun was out and it was about 30F. Went on one of my favorite routes. I jogged the whole way. I am in great appreciation of my ability to do this.

A picture at Hodge Park Golf course:

The trees had ice on them from a storm 2 days earlier. The ice was all sparkly in the sun.

Here is a brief clip from Hodge Park:

And then, yesterday it snowed. The 6" of snow means no running outside until I can find some bare pavement. I think by tomorrow, I'll be able to run around the little complex where I live. Our guys do a great job of clearing roads and sidewalks. I did go for a walk during the heaviest snowfall yesterday:

I wore microspikes for this walk:

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