Yesterday, I quit a marathon. I thought because my toe hurt and I was too hot. I didn't feel like suffering.
Today, indeed, the toe had a massive blister. I went for a 4 mile jog/walk. Indeed, my legs are tired and a little bit of DOMs; tape on the toe and a pair of shoes with the toe cut out and I think nothing is really that bad.
I ponder that strange synapse in my brain which triggers flight and I am powerless over it. I watch other people over come pain, much more than my own. But once my flight reflex / synapse trips, I'm gone. Doesn't matter what you say to me. I can't solve any of my problems. I just go.
This has happened in several ultra-marathons. It happened yesterday in a marathon; probably because I had no real need to finish that race. Then the morning after: why didn't I think of doing X or Y or Z which would have helped the problem and I could finish?
Time after time, I approach the barrier and fall back. My brain says that the pain is illogical and suddenly, I am gone. Maybe my ultra-running attempts are about exploring this mental situation. That synapse is primal. It is triggered in my brain long before any serious harm.
Well, I had signed up for another double marathon at the end of May. I haven't cancelled my hotel. I'm sure I'm going to try the experiment again.