I am not my ego's hate and fear.
I can only be the Self of Love.
These are the phrases I jog/walked with today; 20.1 miles. I spend my time pondering God and the Holy Spirit, along with wondering how far I am going. I don't really plan these runs. I just put on a full hydro-pak and keep going until something hurts, it gets too hot or I run out of water.
Every weekend the inner ultra runner raises its head and takes command of my life. Now that I have discovered that I can run 50 miles in 12 hours while training at walking speeds, I know the inner ultra runner will continue to make its weekly appearance. Today as I was jogging, I thought about this inner determination. I also thought, "why not let it go on?" And so I did.
To want to run ultras is insane. I can't remember that I felt good at the end of 50 miles; and my struggles in my hotel room afterward were not pretty at all. But the rainbow in the sky on the last lap was worth it. The feeling of zooming when you have been running for 10 hours was incredible.
I do not know if I am just wasting my time and my body or building my legacy. Who cares about legacies? I'll be dead. And anyway, several 53 year old women are out there on the ultra circuit, doing better than me. I still feel like a novice wanna be.
My 9 day vacation is over and I go back to work tomorrow. I'll be back to the daily friction of carving 2 hours of work-out time out of a busy work day. Demands from colleagues on all sides. And then the need to regroup after work before I can do a work out. Up at 3:25, do it all and into bed at 9. Disgusting.
I have to go to Germany and give a presentation in a few weeks. It is so important that practice presentations are scheduled as global conference calls. I'm too lazy to go buy some new clothes. I'll look like a dork as always.
Next weekend, I'll be up for another pitiful performance. Luckily, summer may end in Texas. Last night, the temps dipped below 70F for the first time in 4 months. It was the first day in ages that seemed "fresh" or "crisp."