Separations

Out running this morning, I had a startling realization. When I got sober and joined a 12 Step Fellowship, it was when I began to consciously have two separate lives. There was the world, which mainly consisted of work and there was the fellowship. I kept the two separate because of the stigma of recovery at work.

I got along in the fellowship and the people helped me through early sobriety. I was attracted to 12 Step Spirituality. It is the spirituality that has been important to me. As time has gone on (24 years), the people in the fellowship have not been my focus. In the monastery, I was a third person. As a contemplative and solitary, I am a fourth person. As a runner and athlete I am a fifth person.

I said in my last blog that I live in a different paradigm. Today, I see how I got started with having all these different personas. Who am I really?

The one thing I really want out of life is to know God. I have tried many paths and persevered for decades. I may have made some progress; but I often hear my ego tell me I am a failure. The one thing in life at which I am not a failure is running.
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At 51, I am speechless that I have become a body builder in the past 5 months. I met with the trainer today to get some more ab exercises. Does it make sense now? Most women my age are weak and flabby and over-weight and on medication. Yet I thrive on exercise: the more difficult, the heavier, the hillier (running).

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