I was filled with this idea this morning. I was pondering because: since I started going to early morning Mass, I created a lady who now expects me to be there and says something if I don’t go. In terms of A Course in Miracles, she is a perfect projection of my ego and it's guilt. But, her interest in me has ruined my ability to make a free choice because part of my brain, my ego, has to figure her into the decision: should I rebel or not? Come to think of it, I rebel against almost everyone who expects me to show up at their thing and tries to guilt me into it.
This morning, I realized I needed inner communion no matter what. If I didn’t have that, no outer communion (Mass) has any meaning. I start my inner communion in silence, mental and physical. I wait and look inward. This worked to bring me peace and a connection with truth instead of illusion.
I went for a short run in the cool dark. I am a city road runner now. I crunch over glass and kick other unseen debris. I wear a ball cap in order to shade my eyes from head lights. I have the orange reflective vest. I am still an unidentified phenomenon flowing through public areas.
After the run and shower and making my green smoothie for work, I had plenty of time to get to the church 25 minutes early and settle down for additional inner communion. I did that. I noticed that the first word I said today was “Amen.” It is now almost 8 am and I still have not said anything other than liturgical language.
I am still in inner communion.